Comments on Girl's Gone Child: ... because I can't help but talk about sex any ch...

me and my son's father broke up before I could hav...

2008-12-13T01:05:00.000-08:00

me and my son's father broke up before I could have sex again (thank God cause he's now under investigation for something horrible) But I met up with a high school flame when Jareth was 3 days old "The One That Got Away" he's divorced and had an at the time 3 year old daughter so the sex after pregnancy thing .... not really new news to him he was understanding Gentle Kind (and if you knew Kevin you would know that he acts like a hard ass former Army man with a purple heart so his friends would be shocked to hear he has a soft side) but as much as he wanted to he waited tell I was ready and said ok I'm comfortable with this Idea I've always been a sexual person as far as that I enjoy sex (I'm not a slut I'm 22 and have more fingers then I've had partners i choose wisely .... well try to... Jareth's dad Probability not such a good pick but hey I got my kid)
and Kevin and I were up and kicking like Jack rabbits so long as the baby was asleep which he was also really helpful with me figuring that all out because I was frustrated a few times and he just gently help me through. good man good good man

I know I'm late to the party, but I have to weigh ...

2008-11-28T15:01:00.000-08:00

I know I'm late to the party, but I have to weigh in on this topic, because sex is important!

My body definitely feels less sexual now. Right after my son was born, I was so desperate for some "adult normalcy" that we had sex when Westley was about a month old. It hurt me (and he was worried about hurting me) so it wasn't much fun for either of us. But that was more about needing to connect as non-parent adults/partners than libido.

Now, things are rocky. I don't think I look sexy, so I don't feel sexual. It's hard for me to have orgasms because I'm so aware of my body being different than it was, and most of the time I can't make my mind shut up long enough to concentrate on what feels good. I didn't have any stitches after the birth, but I did tear internally a little and one of my inner labia split--and I feel the scar tissue every time. It doesn't stretch like the skin around it, it doesn't react the same way, and enough lubrication in other places is never enough in the scarred areas. Sex TOTALLY feels different. I'm amazed that people say it doesn't. Even oral sex feels different.

I want my "swagger" back, but it's hard. But it's not something I'm willing to give up.

i've never been tremendously sexual, but the body ...

2008-11-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

i've never been tremendously sexual, but the body images post pregnancy have definitely made it worse. in fact, just last night i said to my husband "while my boobs have never been what one would call perky, the sagginess i have now is just downright depressing." And while I've worked hard and lost the pregnancy weight (my son is 4 months) and started making a dent in the 50 lbs i needed to lose pre-pregnancy, i can't help but be insecure about the soft flabbiness and stretch marks.

and then there's the pain. while i only had a small tear, and was given the go-ahead at 6 weeks, it HURT! and it still hurts. when we have sex, i can feel *exactly* where the stitches were, and it's not pleasant. so, all of these things have made me feel even less sexual than i did before, which, to be honest, is not something i ever thought possible.

I know this is totally off topic, but I would love...

2008-11-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

I know this is totally off topic, but I would love to know the details of your makeup (eyes+lip) in this momversation. You look stunning!!

ahhh an awesome topic.. Ok, I have two kids, 10 an...

2008-11-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

ahhh an awesome topic.. Ok, I have two kids, 10 and 7 (both csections) after my first son I lost my sex drive..i mean LOST like to never be found again, and believe me, I looked for it. But I was young, 18 and this should be easy, but sex was hard, it was hard to get in the mood, it was hard not only because we had a new baby, but because we were newly married and we didnt have the us time we should have had before having a kid..I also felt ugly, and fat, going from 115lbs to lets not say, and going from not having boobs to having these HUGE things that my kid was sucking on all day, the LAST thing I wanted is for my husband to be sucking on them as well. Before I was prego, we could have sex 6 times a day and that wasnt even enough..We also went through some rough years, we were young and tied down but we also loved each other deeply. After our second son, i was a nympho..seriously I couldnt get enough and I didnt care where..in the car, on the porch whatever! then eh, I lost it again.. I think what really helped me, was my husband and I got reconnected, WITHOUT the kids.. it seemed everything was about them, and once we finally focused on one another it rocked! We rocked! we still do.. I think the key is to stay connected to each other.

Thanks for addressing such an important, and I thi...

2008-11-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

Thanks for addressing such an important, and I think, underdiscussed topic, ladies!
For me and husband, since our daughter was born, things have been, as Rebecca said, different - sometimes better, sometimes worse, but definately different. We manage the fatigue, the scheduling, the interruptions, and in someways we are so much closer, and the sex is, therefore, that much better. The fact that this man has helped clean my incision post-c-section and still finds me sexually attractive is both astonishing and incredibly sexy, let me tell you.
However, I have to echo the earlier comments re: breastfeeding. To put it bluntly, I'm having trouble reconciling my breasts and my tits. I love breastfeeding, but it makes sex more or less tits-less, so I'm hoping that will change once baby is weaned.
Thanks again, Becca!

Seeing myself in the mirror that first time...in t...

2008-11-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

Seeing myself in the mirror that first time...in the bathroom...the day after the baby was born...stitches and staples and saggy skin and all...was pretty much the biggest downer I've ever had in my life. Especially since my husband had to help me in and out of the shower as well as putting on clothes/girdle thingy and all the other attractive stuff that comes with post-surgery-delivery. My trainwreck of a body was enough to put me OUT of the mood for six weeks. :D
BUT, I have to say...my body is bangin' now. ;) haha. Well...I do still have the scar and the stretch marks (tho they are fading)...but, sex has been great post baby. I never really had body issues before baby (I've always been on the heavier side of the curve of "normal" weight for my height), so luckily, after baby...I'm just as confident in the sack as before.
Yes, lighting is key...but also, try a little tenderness! And...lingerie always does the trick. ;)

pre-baby: I was down for sexin' in random and odd...

2008-11-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

pre-baby: I was down for sexin' in random and odd locations and felt very confident about who I was.

post-baby: what's sex? whose body is this?

i just watched this at work (with headphones) and ...

2008-11-19T10:15:00.001-08:00

i just watched this at work (with headphones) and gasped LOUDLY when heather mentioned it was 7 months before she & john had sex after leta.

co-sign fleuris: this conversation definitely put the brakes on any "mommy" thoughts i had before watching this video.

yeesh.

Ok, just so you know and can be forewarned...sex o...

2008-11-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, just so you know and can be forewarned...sex on the couch, doesn't work after your kids turn about three. Just trust me on this one. :)

My confidence in our sex life post-children is pro...

2008-11-19T08:41:00.000-08:00

My confidence in our sex life post-children is probably evidence that I am diluted and unbalanced. ;) My body isn't even close to what it was, but for whatever reason, I never went through not desiring sex after giving birth. In fact, I had sex three weeks early after both times.
However, a friend of mine went through just that. After six months of not having sex, or I should say having sex once because she forced herself to and then called me afterward crying because she was still in love with her husband and was heartbroken that making love to him was so much like a chore, she decided to go to the doctor.
Her doctor did a blood test on her and determined that her testosterone was really, really low. She then told my friend that it was extremely common after childbirth and, in many cases, either doesn't correct itself or doesn't correct itself quickly. The doctor treated the problem and my friend got back on track.

Pregnancy and caring for newborns is exhausting physically and emotionally. I remember feeling completely disconnected from the world, as though we were living in a foreign country and I was the only person who didn't speak the native language. I slept when my friends were awake and was awake when they were asleep. It took its toll on me in different ways, but sex was never one of its casualties.

For me, after three kids, which include a set of t...

2008-11-19T03:01:00.000-08:00

For me, after three kids, which include a set of twins, proper lighting (or lack thereof) is key.

I don't think we've ever gotten back to "normal" a...

2008-11-18T22:15:00.000-08:00

I don't think we've ever gotten back to "normal" and my "baby" is two. :( I was always much more sexual than my husband and as such, was the initiator. But post-baby, I struggled with everything you were talking about... and my libido has just dropped. My husband seems a little weird to me because as other wives complain that their husbands are all over them, mine doesn't seem to have an issue with our current "arrangement"... which works out to three times a month. I miss the old me sometimes... but I don't think he does. :/

My sex drive diminished until it was pretty non-ex...

2008-11-18T16:21:00.000-08:00

My sex drive diminished until it was pretty non-existent. I had finally gotten it back, when (much to my husbands dismay) I got pregnant. go figure.

I think this is a great topic for every mother. My...

2008-11-18T14:14:00.000-08:00

I think this is a great topic for every mother. My daughter is 14 months old and like Heather we didn't have sex for about 7 months after she was born. I tore fairly medium and had to have stitches and my hormones were all CRAZY. I didn't have the post partum, thank goodness but I felt like I was a machine, breastfeeding and changing diapers.
I didn't have a maternity leave but was able to take my daughter to work with me until she was about 4 months old, which was great. But I didn't have time to think about it. I felt so bad for my husband. When we did finally do the deed, my sex drive kicked in even more than before my daughter. Now my orgasims are GREAT!
I still don't feel very sexy with 20 extra pounds but my husband loves the extra booty.

I pretty much have no interest in sex, which is we...

2008-11-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

I pretty much have no interest in sex, which is weird 'casue I used to be a real slut.

I have a 7 mo old and sex still doesn't feel "norm...

2008-11-18T10:40:00.000-08:00

I have a 7 mo old and sex still doesn't feel "normal". Physically, it feels almost the same as it did before. A little different, but it no longer hurts.

My big problem is mentally, I'm still not there. I'm breastfeeding and it feels weird for my husband to touch my breasts sexually. And my nipples aren't very sensitive anymore, so it also doesn't feel as good as it used to.

I assume it will get better as my daughter gets a little older and isn't quite as dependent on me. But then we'll be trying for baby #2 and it starts all over again!

Thanks for posting about such an important topic.

I LOVED your wink ;)

2008-11-18T09:25:00.000-08:00

I LOVED your wink ;)

I think we waited nine days before being sexual ag...

2008-11-18T07:16:00.000-08:00

I think we waited nine days before being sexual again, although we didn't have intercourse for a month (and it was probably still too soon). At the beginning we were at it like crazy, the hormones I guess! Then I kinda lost my mojo, with a very difficult baby, the accumulation of sleepless nights, adjusting to life as a family, and returning to work...
He's still ALWAYS after me and although I'm flattered that he still finds me attractive (I wouldn't say my body is destroyed but I'm still 10 pounds heavier, with a lot more "softness" than before), most of the time I'm like: "Seriously? Again?", which is awful and I feel terrible about. It's not that I don't like it anymore but it's just so low on my list of priorities! It's a cerebral thing more than anything else. I find it real hard to shut down my brain of tasks and things to think about, and get in the mood.

I'm 20 wks pregnant, and sex after childbirth ...

2008-11-18T06:12:00.000-08:00

I'm 20 wks pregnant, and sex after childbirth is something I've been wondering about. Sex is already different for us now, because there's this...BELLY in the way, and it's hard to be very active in bed without feeling like I'm crushing the poor thing.

Anyhoo, I'm enjoying reading these comments & learning. Also, I just got your book from Amazon yesterday and am already almost halfway through!

Actually, one of the best tips for surviving the f...

2008-11-18T05:40:00.000-08:00

Actually, one of the best tips for surviving the first year of having a newborn was this rule (I'd give credit, but can't remember where I read this):

Rule #1: Mom gets an orgasm first.

Whatever else happens during the day is somehow easier if that rule is followed.

Oh Rebecca, how I adore you. I'm in a different pl...

2008-11-18T04:30:00.000-08:00

Oh Rebecca, how I adore you. I'm in a different place than the women in this clip for sure. I'm in my sexual evolution right now- I divorced, my kids are 8 and 3.

My question is rather quite the opposite. It's more like: how do I get back to passion for mothering and stop spending so much time wearing pasties and doing lap dances for my lovers.

Polar opposite ends of the spectrum, and to be honest, I think as a mom, the place that I am in with regard to this aspect is more lonley than being a mom who is grappling with her sexuality.

I wrote a little about it on my blog, I mentioned that after my diovorce intimate ecstasy has reverberated into my life and permanently changed the curve of the wind and the beams of the sun so that it feels as though they are speaking directly to me, like gifts from the universe.

I wrote a little about about about how I have come to see sexuality as a fluid state of mind with gifts that run far deeper than this randy experience, or that great orgasm.

I mentioned that I've come to know that there is great wisdom in the body/mind/soul experience of the erotic just as their is wisdom in the mind/body/soul experience of practicing yoga.

I vented a little that I live in a culture that shoves sex down my throat through advertising and media on one hand, yet on the other behaves like a puritanical anti-sex society.

I want to write about how these books like "Women Who Love Sex" and "Sacred Whores and Healers" affirmed me and helped me to reevaluate crippling morality messages and understand sexuality differently.

But I don't. Because it is "inappropriate" or something. because I also write about my children on my blog, and it feels odd to write about both.

I'm glad you and others are talking about this, and video blogging it.

I am the proud mother of a 4 month old baby boy. S...

2008-11-18T04:24:00.000-08:00

I am the proud mother of a 4 month old baby boy. Sex during my pregnancy stayed about the same as pre-pregnancy(which was about 2-3 times a week). This was mostly because my fiance thinks pregnant girls are hot! I had a very easy birth. We did not make the 6 week mark I think it was about 4 weeks. Now we are having sex at least 3-4times of week!! We always make time to be with each other. It helps me keep my sanity!! Thanks for the interesting topic.

Right now, I'm too tired. If I'm going to lie down...

2008-11-18T00:55:00.000-08:00

Right now, I'm too tired. If I'm going to lie down, my eyes will be closed. I;'m hoping that will change soon, or at least we might have a few minutes to ourselves soon. Since naptimes are over, too, it's not happening. Maybe over christmas holidays when we can send the girl to daycare and be home alone together? Otherwise, we might need a babysitter and a hotel room. That's the biggest impediment.

I'm not loving the whole loose tummy skin and stretch marks and so on, but I can live with that part once I get rid of some of the post-preg weight and bloat, which is, I have to say, dragging me down a bit right now.

i loved reading this post and the comments thread....

2008-11-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

i loved reading this post and the comments thread. so true and so honest. but what i want to know is... do your partners read this? mine would not be happy if i blogged about this! he's pretty openminded but not enough for me to post the details online!