Comments on Girl's Gone Child: Epiblogues: Marriage vs. Motherhood

ok so i have to keep saying it i love love love yo...

2009-02-15T21:36:43.912-08:00

ok so i have to keep saying it i love love love your blog. i had never seen it that way...i always always have felt restricted in every single one of my relationships...and its true we build our own cage (in some cases...not all). i saw things the same way... and maybe it is age but i think also our spirit is free. and so anything resembling a cage...i.e. marriage seems terrible...but maybe its all in our minds....thanks...love your blog

I truly LOVE reading your words.

2009-01-17T16:18:24.238-08:00

I truly LOVE reading your words.

Long-time reader delurking to say thank you, thank...

2009-01-16T09:31:30.675-08:00

Long-time reader delurking to say thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty. A breath of fresh air. Congratulations on that hard-won happiness!

Thank you for posting this. I've been depressed a...

2009-01-16T07:58:48.638-08:00

Thank you for posting this. I've been depressed and feeling trapped in my own marriage for sometime. I think maybe you have inspired me to change my thinking. Thank you!!

It's so nice to find a story that parallels my own...

2009-01-15T07:31:26.789-08:00

It's so nice to find a story that parallels my own so closely. 21, pregnant, quickly married and totally in over my head. We to found that once we quit trying to pretend that it was all a fairy tale, things were much, much easier. This post eloquently put into words what I haven't been able to. Thanks!

I don't think there should be lines to stay in or ...

2009-01-15T07:24:53.314-08:00

I don't think there should be lines to stay in or out of, at all in a marriage. A commitment between two people is custom fit for those two people. Some couples find that being totally monogamous works. Some are polyamorous, some swing, etc etc..

The decision is up to the couple. It is not right for a person outside of this union to judge what works for a certain couple.

All couples are special, little snowflakes... no two are alike :-)

***major dork points***

Also, to Being Judgemental:

I think if you read the well written comments here, you will see that not everyone agrees with GGC's viewpoint, but they are able to remain respectful, without being insulting.

I think for some homework, you should do some deep, self examination and ask yourself this question: "What do I really gain by anonymously putting people down, whom I don't know in person, on the internet? How does this benefit my life and happiness?"

I am really starting to feel pity for these grand, saints of the internet. If only we all could be so chaste and righteous.

Wow, Thanks Karen for responding to me before. I ...

2009-01-14T21:06:03.856-08:00

Wow, Thanks Karen for responding to me before. I love opposing viewpoints from interesting and intelligent people! and Thanks GGC for giving us the opportunity to get days worth of entertaining debate out of one blog post!

Hey Bec,Beautiful.

2009-01-14T18:07:35.801-08:00

Hey Bec,

Beautiful.

Wow. Thank you. Thank you for speaking candidly an...

2009-01-14T18:00:22.615-08:00

Wow. Thank you. Thank you for speaking candidly and being completely open. I have been struggling with what sounds like are very similar to what you felt in the beginning years of your marriage. I'm a little over 2 years in and we have only been together for about 3 and a half in total. In the beginning (year one) I was ecstatic and in love and birds were chirping over my head. Suddenly, I feel trapped, and so so so lonely. I can't get away from it. He's so wonderful and sweet, but I just feel so closed off to everybody. I know I should probably be a) happy my husband is a total love and happy I'm married to a wonderful man or b) be talking to a therapist, but for now, your blog has helped me really think about my feelings and be honest with myself. Thank you.

i really appreciate your openess... sometimes i ca...

2009-01-14T14:50:55.732-08:00

i really appreciate your openess... sometimes i can tell my boyfriend feels the same way. it's good to see "the other side." i think almost everyone is afraid of forever.

I finally found actual love (after two failed marr...

2009-01-14T10:37:19.244-08:00

I finally found actual love (after two failed marriages) in a with my Mr. W. Our relationship began with absolutely no expectations due to our own personal baggage and fear of a third disaster on both sides. Somehow that "no expectations" thing was the key and we bloomed into something I never knew existed. It amazes me every day that I can feel this way...no expectations, 100% honesty without fear, and honest-to-goodness LOVE, the way we were (brainwashed) lovingly taught it should be as little girls.

Was totally inspired by this discussion so I linke...

2009-01-14T10:14:48.772-08:00

Was totally inspired by this discussion so I linked to you from my blogging gig at WeTV.com...

http://www.wetv.com/blogs/mama-drama/2009/01/is-your-marriage-a-cage.html

The porn conversation is interesting. As a single mom all of this is fascinating me actually. Single parenthood is on the rise - dramatically - but in my experience it's the men who leave, not the women.

I'm an exception. I left before he ruined me.

I think the key to this discussion is that each and every mother and woman needs to know who she is first and be able to communicate that with a trusting spouse.

Karen, please please PLEASE don’t think I was skip...

2009-01-14T09:30:57.536-08:00

Karen, please please PLEASE don’t think I was skipping over the porn tangent as some sort of slight to you. I was just skipping over it because I knew if I started talking about porn (home-baked or otherwise) and third-wave feminism then talked about monogamy, my comment would be the full length of War and Peace. As well, the porn tangent here was my college thesis, and as such I’ve already talked more about porn than any reasonable person ever should. I’m pretty convinced there’s no end to that topic. That’s all. I wasn’t at all skipping over it to be rude!

I am really enjoying reading these last two post o...

2009-01-13T22:00:50.754-08:00

I am really enjoying reading these last two post of yours, as well as the comments, GGC. I am getting married on Sunday and am really looking forward to it. I do know that a "happily ever after" marriage doesn't exist, and that it will always require work and compromise. I am really happy to hear that so many people were able to get through rough patches and make things work.

And before anyone says anything I realize that it ...

2009-01-13T20:45:02.141-08:00

And before anyone says anything I realize that it is up to the two people getting married to determine their own marriage and how they are going to define it.

I just get frustrated when I see this *shrugging shoulders* "oh well if it doesn't work we will get divorced" apathy.

Some marriages just aren't going to work but I think so many people miss the truly amazing possibilities in their marriage because it is so easy and so accepted to just throw in the towel.

My husband and I have been together 15 years and I...

2009-01-13T20:21:26.393-08:00

My husband and I have been together 15 years and I both agree and disagree with your sentiments.

I agree that it is unreasonable to expect that for the rest of my forever, I will never be attracted to another man. Marriage is not a perfect bed of roses just as motherhood is not rocking your baby in a chair while sunlight streams in through yonder window. Yes I have found myself attracted to other men but my loyalty lies with my husband.

Marriage is messy and hard and wonderful and passionate and hard - in our years together I have loved my husband, lusted after him, and sometimes even hated him. Often all at the same time. If a man had caught my eye during one of our lowpoints and I had thrown away our marriage on the idea that our relationship had reached its "sunset" - oh what I would have missed!!

My husband and I have history together. We have grown into adulthood and parenthood together, we have mourned family members, stood by our children's hospital beds praying for miracles. We have held each other hands, kissed foreheads and boo boos, read books, taken road trips, gone into debt and gotten out of debt. We have shouted and fucked and loved and listened. We know each others eccentric faults and love each other anyway.

Too many people don't honor the history that they have with someone. Too often they surrender to this amorphous idea of happiness and fail to realize the joy (and happiness) that comes from perservering through the "sunset" and watching the dawn together.

Wow, what a timely post. This is something that h...

2009-01-13T19:22:33.009-08:00

Wow, what a timely post. This is something that has been discussed to death by my husband and I the last couple of months, well not only months, but since we first became a couple. Monogamy is something that we both have issues with, we have always been very open with our fantasies. However, right now I'm majorly crushing on a guy who works at Trader Joe's (the TJ's in Toluca Lake has so many hot guys) while he's going to college. He's crushing on me too and I'm feeling the burn of being in a pretty monogamous marriage (I did have a girlfriend for a little while a few years ago, but my husband ok'd that). My husband is not happy with this crush and has become more possessive of me. Now monogamy totally works for him and he doesn't want it any other way. We are still working through things and really one of the best aspects of our relationship is that we can be totally honest with each other and really work through issues we have.

Anyway, I'm commenting because your honesty is refreshing. And it's really comforting to know that I'm not alone.

i <3 this discussion! can't say more b/c i'll wake...

2009-01-13T16:28:50.936-08:00

i <3 this discussion! can't say more b/c i'll wake up boy with my typing.
:)

You're absolutely right, Karen and SLP, I'm so luc...

2009-01-13T15:32:40.493-08:00

You're absolutely right, Karen and SLP, I'm so lucky. Truly. I have the best readers (and comMENTORs) ever.

First off, I'm fascinated that we got from having ...

2009-01-13T15:12:19.400-08:00

First off, I'm fascinated that we got from having different relationships to marriage to discussing porn, and whether or not it's oppressing or exploiting people. Awesome.

This REALLY resonated with me: "I was resenting Hal for the parts of myself I had to sacrifice in order to be with him." I felt the same way. Sometimes I still do, actually, and I remind myself that it's all about me--not him. I'm still me. I just happen to be married to this guy, and we have a baby. But being married doesn't make my dreams, desires, likes and dislikes go away overnight. They may change, or the priorities may change, but that's about me.

Making a change that wounds the essence of YOU (or sacrificing something unwillingly) because you think that's what you're supposed to do to be a "good wife/husband"? Sucks. And not at ALL what a good partnership is about, in my opinion.

Rebecca~I have enjoyed reading your post and the c...

2009-01-13T15:03:11.388-08:00

Rebecca~

I have enjoyed reading your post and the comments that followed (as always). I agree with She Likes Purple, I've been a lot of places on the internet, and what you have here is pretty special.

Peace~
Karen

Ever since I was a kid, dreamy eyed with thoughts ...

2009-01-13T14:29:17.910-08:00

Ever since I was a kid, dreamy eyed with thoughts of a gorgeous wedding and an overwhelming desire for an everlasting love, my very very wise mother said, "always leave a part of your heart out for someone other than your husband cuz you never know when a pot will fall of someone's windowsill on your head and the guy who comes to get you an ambulance could be the one who could love you more." She shattered my dreams yet at the same time paved the way for the most unimaginative proposal answer, 14 years ago:

Husband: will you marry me?
Z: sure. If it doesn't work out we can love other people, though.

ps.: we still hold hands when we are walking. And I love him to bits.

Bec, my mind is spinning with all I want to add/co...

2009-01-13T13:27:14.547-08:00

Bec, my mind is spinning with all I want to add/comment on (I may just have to write my own post, you know?) but I just want to say, your readers and comments section are the best on the Internet. So many intelligent people talking about important things.

And, I'm totally quoting you with this line: "We don't need to color outside the lines because we don't have to stay within them."

That's the whole point (and the point of this post...

2009-01-13T13:04:22.140-08:00

That's the whole point (and the point of this post) ... We don't NEED to color outside the lines because we don't HAVE to stay within them.

I suppose it's the ultimate compliment then, when ...

2009-01-13T13:01:30.757-08:00

I suppose it's the ultimate compliment then, when neither of you choose to color outside of the lines. Or does that not even factor into the equation. Is coloring outside of the lines expected, and agreed upon?

I've only heard from Hal in the one Momversation video, and I intuit him to be less of a free-spirit (I'm probably wrong). He seems devoted to supporting you, and his family. Why did you guys get married anyway? Wouldn't it be less complicated to just date semi-exclusively?