tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post2398090960229934573..comments2023-11-02T07:53:45.876-07:00Comments on Girl's Gone Child: The StrangerGIRL'S GONE CHILDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07130764109593048451noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-11199961008639675352011-04-08T11:49:15.805-07:002011-04-08T11:49:15.805-07:00Someone mentioned that she is ultimatey "look...Someone mentioned that she is ultimatey "looking out for a child." I think people often criticize parents under the guise of protecting the child, and it's BS. You can tell by the demeanor and how they offer it that it comes from a place of judging you and not concern for the kid. But in this instance...blaming the parent is obviously not even on the table. So I do truly think she is thinking of the kid here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-4406139407087311872011-04-08T11:46:25.265-07:002011-04-08T11:46:25.265-07:00I was under the impression that it was an idea she...I was under the impression that it was an idea she contemplated solely because early intervention was so critical for these kids, and drs. are failing at that. Maybe her mistake is that she assumed the mom wasn't aware or figuring it out. I hate when people assume you aren't addressing something in your own way, just because they don't know. <br /><br />My son isn't on the spectrum but has issues that I have struggled, fought, and begged to figure out and in my experience, healthcare providers suck at helping if you aren't a textbook case, so perhaps in the end some parents are the best first step of help.<br /><br />I've recently been intrigued by babble, but it is not impressive. A lot of poor writing, poor editing. I thought this piece was better than most though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-64430519020225414862007-11-23T13:04:00.000-08:002007-11-23T13:04:00.000-08:00They're just pointing out the fact that parents do...They're just pointing out the fact that parents do NOT always know what's best for their kids and that sometimes parents choose, either willingly or unintentionally, to ignore certain things in their quest to present that "perfect family." For example, the father that refuses to believe that his child is on the spectrum, or the mother that refused to believe her daughters are being sexually abused by her husband. Two total and completely different situations, but two situations where parents are "blind" to the situation at hand, in the need to present a normal, unflawed family.<BR/><BR/>That being said, I don't think it would be any of the Babble writer's business to go up to a perfect stranger she's never met and bluntly say, "Your son has autism." Because she's not a professional health care provider. All she has is her own experience to go by. But, as others have pointed out, some people aren't aware of what autism looks like and would have liked a little direction from someone in their child's earlier years. I do think, in the end, she handled it pretty well, saying the boy reminded her of her own son and then making a suggestion that didn't even have the tones of the term "autism."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-551281551209364002007-10-03T08:55:00.000-07:002007-10-03T08:55:00.000-07:00What I find unbelievable is that a child with deve...What I find unbelievable is that a child with developmental delays that need pointing out (by a stranger, again. A stranger) is being compared to a child being abused that needs rescuing. Whaaaa?GIRL'S GONE CHILDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07130764109593048451noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-11633610794919127222007-10-03T03:14:00.000-07:002007-10-03T03:14:00.000-07:00I feel similarly to the last two anon. commenters....I feel similarly to the last two anon. commenters. I feel that adults do have an obligation to the children in their community to look out for them. <BR/><BR/>And, unfortunately, not all parents always know what is best and do what is best for their children. If this were so, we would not need CPS and child abuse laws and so on.<BR/><BR/>Remaining closed off to others' suggestions or comments might do a disservice to the child, who may actually benefit from the suggestion, regardless of how intrusive or tactless it may seem to the parent. <BR/><BR/>And the best interest of the child is what this is about, and thus even intrusive comments may be appropriate if they are made with that intention. <BR/><BR/>What parent is always right about his or her child's needs? Ask any teen or adult where their parents went wrong and you'll likely have a long list of answers. What's wrong with a system of checks and balances that allows for other input and other perspectives that may help the child? <BR/><BR/>Sometimes we can't see what's right in front of us for being too close to it, and an outside perspective is exactly what we need--whether we realize it or not.<BR/><BR/>This post moved me so much that I was inspired to write a post on my own blog based on it. <BR/><BR/>I think children deserve to have many eyes looking out for their best interest, and on many occasions such concerned eyes and hearts have had great impact on children, even to the point of saving their lives, rescuing them from abducters, and keeping them from ongoing harm.<BR/><BR/>It is always better to be safe than sorry when the welfare of a child (or anyone really) is involved, I believe. It's easy to dismiss unneeded advice, but not so easy to go back in time to erase mistake that was not acted upon till it was too late. <BR/><BR/>I am neither defending nor attacking the situation described by person who wrote the original piece that inspired this post, but I do believe her heart was in the right place--looking out for a child--and that is always something to be admired and treasured.Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14019009149011549894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-10089689819605011662007-10-01T15:23:00.000-07:002007-10-01T15:23:00.000-07:00I may be a bit late to the discussion...just disco...I may be a bit late to the discussion...just discovered it today (October!). Like the previous anonymous writer, I'm going to go against the grain. I'm a bit surprised at the anger directed at the writer of the Babble piece. The whole essay is ABOUT how conflicted she feels, and how she is trying (thoughtfully) to parse the difference between preventing a kid from being hit by a car and preventing another kid from going too long before being diagnosed with a life-changing health problem. She is suggesting an evaluation for the child, not a full-on attack on autism. She's not claiming to be an authority on childhood development, just a belatedly experienced parent who--like many parents--sees signs that only in hindsight does she recognize as troubling. In fact, she's positioning herself as a woman who was once just like this mother--and wishes someone had told her earlier.<BR/><BR/>I'm a bit concerned about how many posters are claiming that parents almost invariably know what's best for their child, and that this woman has probably already gotten a diagnosis, and that the author should just mind her beeswax, etc., etc. But the papers are full of evidence that parents don't always know what's best for their children. I see parents on my street all the time at midnight with strollers, or cursing in terrible, demeaning ways at their kids in the grocery store. The day after the Minneapolis bridge collapse, I was in a Burger King where a mother lectured her 7- or 8-year-old kids about how you can't trust anybody, and that the bridge inspectors must have taken bribes, because that's what bridge inspectors do. Scary. And never mind all sorts of forms of horrific physical abuse. Even if we actively strive to be good parents, we still learn parenting by accident, in dribs and drabs, and we aren't always as expert as we think we are. Yes, that goes for the Babble writer (as many posters here rushed to say), but that also goes for the stranger she agonized over.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-79587206575068174612007-09-25T20:22:00.000-07:002007-09-25T20:22:00.000-07:00"It takes a village to criticize." Spot on. A frie..."It takes a village to criticize." Spot on. A friend of mine told me of a man who told her in the playground that, from observing her child, he thought he might be "on the spectrum" (because this man's kid supposedly was). As you said, what some stranger sees of one's child in a matter of minutes is meaningless. And advice from strangers, equally and utterly so.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-25356645882342611142007-09-18T15:16:00.000-07:002007-09-18T15:16:00.000-07:00The part that is hard for me to understand is the ...The part that is hard for me to understand is the notion of "normalcy" and its effect on people. I didn't realize until I was an adult how hard it is for a lot of people to stand out from the crowd... like it is almost physically uncomfortable for them to break from the "norm". I even had a co-worker confess to me how much he wished he could stop thinking about what everyone would think. I think in a lot of ways this fear drives people's opinion about normalcy.<BR/><BR/>But at the same time, some of the same people who want to step in and make sure your kid is "diagnosed" properly are the ones who just want that label in place. Because that label makes them feel better about not being able to deal with a "quirky" person. In fact, sometimes that label is the reason they can safely ignore the "quirky" people. <BR/><BR/>I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound bitter. I've just seen both sides. You want help so your kids can be the best they can be, but you also want support for your kids, and yet there is always going to be those who won't support the "labeled". I wouldn't ever approach a stranger to give them my pop analysis on their kid. But I also see a lot of people/kids who are quirky or with special needs out in public where everyone else is pretending not to see them. I know it isn't much but I will always make an effort to see them. <BR/><BR/>Normalcy is fucking overrated.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-25199387661495532292007-09-18T12:43:00.000-07:002007-09-18T12:43:00.000-07:00I am going to go against the grain a bit. No, a l...I am going to go against the grain a bit. No, a lot. So, are you saying everyone should butt out and mind their own business? Keep their blinders on? Don't look out for others.. children included? That is insane to me. I try to be aware of my surrounds and aware of others. If I felt a child seemed to be acting in a strange way.. be it cowering away from someone (could they possibly be abused at home or else where?), unexplained vomiting that lingered (hello, cancer!), or spinning/pointing/no eye contact (possible autism) then I may or may not mention it to the care taker but if I didn't it would eat at me because I would worry for the well being of the child. If I did say something, it would be in a judgemental way, it would be because I would want the child to get the help and assistance he/she needed.. if any were needed at all. I am no doctor, but if I could help a child in anyway I would. Damn the parent that got in the way. People give me unsolicited advice all the time. I have never been rude to any of them. I take their advice and put it to use if I find it suitable or file it in my mental trash can if I feel it is bunk. Why take offense? It just doesn't make any sense to me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-59192496808444731792007-09-18T11:43:00.000-07:002007-09-18T11:43:00.000-07:00I do wonder why the concern abou the "tens of thou...I do wonder why the concern abou the "tens of thousands of undiagnosed toddlers." Because you know, if there was a problem of a magnitude that NEEDED to be addressed, there would be a diagnosis. If it's a child who is just very mildly different, maybe a touch withdrawn or has a few quirks, why is it of concern for that child not to be diagnosed? Why do we need to put a label on someone who is going along okay, really? There are and have always been plenty of people who are this way, and they had, previously, just been left to their eccentricities, their habits, and so on, as long as they were able to make their way in the world. And most of them do that just fine. why not concentrate on helping those kids who really need it and can't get services? how about that?kittenpiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05215443551546036909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-47608544833055868792007-09-17T19:50:00.000-07:002007-09-17T19:50:00.000-07:00As the mother of two "special needs" adopted boys ...As the mother of two "special needs" adopted boys of another race I know the feeling. What I get defensive about are the judgy judgers who think that all academic and behavioral issues could be corrected with better parenting. I hear it coming out of people's mouth's all the time "If parents would just hold their children more accountable, blah, blah, blah." Like anyone can ever really know what goes on in a family such that they are in a position to judge. On the other hand, I am eternally grateful to the handful of teachers and coaches over the years who have looked to bring out the best in my boys in a way that is positive and nonjudgmental in spite of the challenges. It really does take a village, it's just too bad that some of the villagers are so small minded.Jillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10801409209041280805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-7874255112330863052007-09-17T13:39:00.000-07:002007-09-17T13:39:00.000-07:00Ooh anonymous- any teacher should know that we can...Ooh anonymous- any teacher should know that we cannot diagnose. all we can do is recommend an evaluation. although i have had my suspicions and most have been correct, i NEVER say what i think it is. i only report the facts and suggest an evaluation by someone who is qualified to diagnose. good for you for getting on that gym teacher- she deserved it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-8123570006848406552007-09-17T09:17:00.000-07:002007-09-17T09:17:00.000-07:00I took a gym teacher to task for telling my friend...I took a gym teacher to task for telling my friend she thought her son was neurologically impaired. this gym teacher had no training, no qualifications and no authority to diagnose a child. She just liked the feeling of importance she got from getting in somebody's business. <BR/>There was nothing wrong with the child in question. He was just clumsy and didn't like gym. Who can blame him with a bitch like that for a teacher?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-25061758846058725792007-09-17T08:48:00.000-07:002007-09-17T08:48:00.000-07:00You know, this really hits me. Not because I have...You know, this really hits me. Not because I have a child with special needs, but because I've been the "whispered to" one when someone, in this case my cousin-in-law's girlfriend who works at an autistic center for children, decided another child in our acquaintance was autistic.<BR/><BR/>It is no one's business but the parents of the child in question. I couldn't pinpoint what made me so uncomfortable about being told that some friends' son was "definitely autistic," said with such perceived self-authority after she'd only been at the autism center a few months. But you say it so well here. <BR/><BR/>In many ways, I don't think the "village mentality" stops with parenting, though it's definitely the most buzzed about topic by the village. I think as a nation, we've simply become more nosy, more "responsible" for our fellow man. The examples the woman in the Babble article used to say she wouldn't hesitate to intervene were all to do with immediate danger: someone stepping into traffic, someone with a bruise that could be a tumor, and such. Those instances, sure, it's a matter of life or death. But really, equating that to a unprofessional diagnosis of another child is just what my relative's girlfriend did, and it leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-14845227496102071522007-09-16T21:16:00.001-07:002007-09-16T21:16:00.001-07:00or conversation either. ~jjlibraor conversation either. ~jjlibraAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-79351584235289092007-09-16T21:16:00.000-07:002007-09-16T21:16:00.000-07:00just wrote my own post the other day about how har...just wrote my own post the other day about how hard it was to tell a mom that i thought her son could benefit from an evaluation. i am a preschool teacher and it actually is my responsiblity to have that sort of conversation. i hate it. it's the worst part of the job. it's not something i take lightly. not something i would ever do to someone on the street. i have been thanked for helping and hugged for being able to say the hardest thing but it doesn't make it easier. early intervention is best, i can see how someone might feel obligated to try and help someone out but wow- the size of the balls they must have. i can see both sides but personally would never tell a stranger. anyone who would has never had to have that converstation before.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-40375365819645341782007-09-16T19:20:00.000-07:002007-09-16T19:20:00.000-07:00Nice GGC. Love this.Nice GGC. Love this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-32751195334908817882007-09-16T18:20:00.000-07:002007-09-16T18:20:00.000-07:00It's uncanny because I read the Newsweek article t...It's uncanny because I read the Newsweek article the day I got the magazine and I found the link online and E-mailed it to all my family and friends. It so perfectly stated what I couldn't articulate about my experience with my son. Just know that you are the best mom in the world to Archer and he is so damn lucky to have you fighting in his corner. I was going to write more but then realized you don't want a book in your comments - lol - off to write a post, I think!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-10271701851761583102007-09-16T15:29:00.000-07:002007-09-16T15:29:00.000-07:00I never thought there was anything different about...I never thought there was anything different about my chidren; they were just like me. It took a relative stranger having the balls to say something to clue me in and I was grateful to her for it. I've never done that for anyone, though. If friends ask me, I give an opinion, but if not...it's not an easy one, is it? But so far no.Elizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13788282464956879318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-5814757385010508552007-09-16T04:49:00.000-07:002007-09-16T04:49:00.000-07:00Last night, I caught a portion of an NPR program a...Last night, I caught a portion of an NPR program about Asperger's. . .the interesting thing was that they interviewed a bunch of adults who had it and asked if they wished they had been 'cured' of their 'disorder'. None (or close to none) had wished this. They all felt like they had something that had allowed them to develop into someone unique and special.Fairly Odd Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11974404093257620566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-49646914188774293382007-09-16T04:47:00.000-07:002007-09-16T04:47:00.000-07:00These are the kind of posts I love to read. As a ...These are the kind of posts I love to read. As a mom of a "quirky" kid who is choosing not to have him evaluated, I get so tired of the articles that are emailed to me from readers in support of dx'ing. I KNOW the benefits of it and it's a fine route for those who want it. I just believe it isn't the ONLY route for these types of kids. <BR/><BR/>I don't believe I have to have a label to improve his strengths and weaknesses. Come on, it's that the job of every parent for each child? To support their strengths and improve their weaknesses? I see my son and I see him more completely than any person who would evaluate him. I see all that he is and I work with him. <BR/><BR/>Thanks for writing this Rebecca. I find it so supportive on my journey with my son.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04455637064686856773noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-9564031957101459182007-09-15T21:59:00.000-07:002007-09-15T21:59:00.000-07:00GGC, you have some really relevant points. If onl...GGC, you have some really relevant points. If only all parents sought out ANY kind of experts. So many parents don't and do their children a huge disservice by not getting them early interventions, which are highly effective. <BR/><BR/>The woman in the article, however, was in no position to lend her "expertise." Her sample is that of one. She has no basis to be making such a diagnosis -- especially since autism is so very difficult to diagnose, even for "experts." <BR/><BR/>You mention that parents know their children best. That is true. To a certain extent. <BR/><BR/>I've worked with parents who seem to subconsciously work around their child's disorder. I once worked with a child who had Aspergers. His family had simply decided he was just "too smart and quirky" and so learned to accept this about him, figuring out ways to communicate with him that were very out of the norm. Unfortunately, his teachers were unable to do the same in a class with 25 other kids. When the teachers expressed concern about his behavior, the parents did not listen. They simply told the teachers they weren't communicating with their child in the "right" way. So the child went without treatment for several years. This only hurt the child. <BR/><BR/>Parents do know their children best -- but in a specific context. How children behave in school, with grandma, the sitter, or peers can often surprise parents. Thus, It is in the child's best interest for parents to keep this in mind. That way, parents don't immediately dismiss what can be vital information from outside resources. <BR/><BR/>Sometimes, we parents are simply too close to our children to see things that could potentially be painful. <BR/><BR/>And -- to be clear -- I'm not suggesting you're dong this Archer. I only mention this as a point to keep in mind for all parents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-30482029777197853632007-09-15T21:32:00.000-07:002007-09-15T21:32:00.000-07:00The biggest issue that I have with other parents'u...The biggest issue that I have with other parents'unsolicited advice is that they always seem to do it right in front of the child. My son is very small for his age and people are always pointing that out in front of him. They'll look at me and ask if he's my oldest with a look of utter surprise on their faces. People are rude, and strange.Meemohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14097227932245447166noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-85912154234290186082007-09-15T21:19:00.000-07:002007-09-15T21:19:00.000-07:00I agree with those commenters above who say moral ...I agree with those commenters above who say moral failure is strong language and who point out that the mom may have information on autism but may not want to share her private situation with a stranger.<BR/><BR/>I also have a son who I believe to be autistic. He has not yet been officially diagnosed, but he is at the very least developmentally delayed, and I know in my heart that he is on the spectrum.<BR/><BR/>I don't offer this information up to strangers, but with acquaintances I will mention it because it is a big part of who he is. I take just as much offense to people who brush off my assertion that he is on the spectrum with comment like, "Oh, that's just the diagnosis they give everyone these days," or "I'm sure he'll grow out of it," or otherwise discount what I know about MY child.<BR/><BR/>This is not something I've just thought up and decided to toss casually around. It is who he is and I am proud of who he is. I don't need to be assured that he is not autistic. I don't care if he is or isn't. I just want him to continue to be the happy little dude he is.<BR/><BR/>I agree with you that it is highly irritating for other mothers to assume they know their child more than you do, even if they have the best of intentions.<BR/><BR/>Guess you hit a nerve with me. Keep on rockin'.Stimeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09685801693683588805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-18958921693860349502007-09-15T19:11:00.000-07:002007-09-15T19:11:00.000-07:00Love how your not afraid to post these kind of top...Love how your not afraid to post these kind of topics.<BR/><BR/>I can relate to you, I got pregnant the first time at 17, and I can tell you some serious stories about people talking down to me assuming I didn't know what I was doing. Nevermind that I had raised my sister and done the "mom" duties at him since I was 11.<BR/><BR/>As this woman pointed out, she didn't know this mom very well. I'm curious how she didn't know that the mom was already thinking autism?<BR/><BR/>I wonder at what point, people decide to be a savior for another person, but freeing them from their problems, or the disabilities of their children.<BR/><BR/>Do I think all strangers should mind their own buisness? For the most part yes. Simply because they are just that, a stranger.Tiffanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15779440042714742035noreply@blogger.com