tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post297620476233535696..comments2023-11-02T07:53:45.876-07:00Comments on Girl's Gone Child: On Compliments and other ControversiesGIRL'S GONE CHILDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07130764109593048451noreply@blogger.comBlogger98125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-23443776039223791642012-07-23T11:28:20.447-07:002012-07-23T11:28:20.447-07:00I love this! I am raising two daughters myself and...I love this! I am raising two daughters myself and it is something I have struggled with in trying to figure out my parenting philosophy.<br /><br />My husband came from a very religious and conservative home where his mother doesn't wear make up or jewelry to me...which...well that ain't me...<br />I am trying to explain the value of both sides of the coin. Love it!!Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17264343647674626431noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-1880886161282280442012-06-25T19:36:12.991-07:002012-06-25T19:36:12.991-07:00Follow-up to previous comment:
I just read a bunc...Follow-up to previous comment:<br /><br />I just read a bunch of the comments already here, and a lot of people are commenting on the balance as well. I guess I did miss it! My 18-year old eyes just ain't what they used to be...<br /><br />P.S. All of the pics of Fable in this post are hilarious. What a great lil' troop you've got.<br /><br />All the best <3Sophie Lesherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17539543610543318476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-39204310614904831972012-06-25T19:30:54.004-07:002012-06-25T19:30:54.004-07:00I, personally, quite enjoyed/appreciated the HuffP...I, personally, quite enjoyed/appreciated the HuffPo article. However, I also appreciated/enjoyed yours. What I didn't get from the HuffPo article that you seemed to was that you shouldn't tell little girls that they're pretty. I felt that Bloom was merely saying put emphasis on the fact that they're also reading things and knowing things that a lot of people (read: strangers and family friends, because that's the perspective from which she was writing) neglect to mention or ask about.<br /><br />That being said, I thoroughly agree about making children, especially our daughters, feel that what makes <i>them</i> feel good is what they should do - be that reading, chemistry, or playing princess (and, in most cases, all of the above)! <br /><br />I just feel that what I missed, perhaps, in your commentary, was that balance. What happens when other people don't see your child the way you do? I'm not what most people consider to be "attractive," so I would have appreciated, as a young(er) girl, people commenting on my looks in a positive way. Conversely, because they didn't, I would've appreciated people who took the time to look past my appearance and asked me what I was reading or what I liked to do in school or, even better, what I liked to do outside of school.<br /><br />It can't be just one or the other. That doesn't work for anyone. It has to be both, so it can work for everyone.Sophie Lesherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17539543610543318476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-87092910291957518392012-05-20T19:27:12.231-07:002012-05-20T19:27:12.231-07:00THANK YOU for this! I've seen that Huffington ...THANK YOU for this! I've seen that Huffington Post blog circulated by several friends and that article infuriated me. I can't see just walking up to a little girl and saying, "What are you learning in school?" - SERIOUSLY?<br /><br />My parents never, ever told me I was beautiful or pretty. Not even once when I was growing up. I got told I was smart over and over again. What did this lead me to deduce? That I was smart, but might as well forget my looks. I was ugly. Hideous. My mom didn't dress me pretty like the other little girls. I ended up having self esteem issues because I always felt inferior to the little girls who looked like girls.<br /><br />My mom cut my hair into an unflattering bowl cut. I wore ugly plaid pants. During picture days, I looked more like an orphan that someone's loved, cherished, little girl. Inside, it killed me. I grew up this way believing I wasn't pretty. As hard as my parents tried to UN-pretty me so I'd develop intellectually or whatever they were hoping for, it didn't make a bit of difference as to how the REAL world works. Pretty is valued. You don't even have to be a textbook beauty genetically, but being clean, having neat hair and keeping a neat appearance is very important.<br /><br />I hit puberty and still thought I was hideous. About 16, boys started noticing me and I didn't know what to do about that. For the first time in my whole, entire life someone told me I was beautiful - and I LATCHED onto that boy and was with him for 7 years and married him. I didn't care that he was a drug addict, cheater, loser. He thought I was pretty. Nobody else was ever going to think that about me in my eyes. Over the years, I blossomed even more and soon everyone was telling me I was pretty and it was like I had woken up and realized that I had been lied to. I thought I was so ugly nobody would ever want me and so I settled for the first loser who came along.<br /><br />This is what happens to little girls whose physical attributes are looked over and IGNORED. It's just delaying the inevitable force of nature of a girl coming into contact with her sexuality and embracing it instead of running from it. I highly advocate your daughter hear it from you first that she is beautiful. Otherwise, the people who are going to be telling her are teenage boys...and that's when you lose her forever and she loses herself. Thank you for speaking your mind. I believe this whole movement is borne out of jealousy for beautiful women and has no basis in reality or sanity, for that matter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-77344758792761427642012-01-25T04:50:32.141-08:002012-01-25T04:50:32.141-08:00But what if your 'beauty' is not considere...But what if your 'beauty' is not considered such by community. What will you tell your daughter then ?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-12289652705160789252011-12-02T09:01:01.566-08:002011-12-02T09:01:01.566-08:00I love reading your website, and I honestly wish t...I love reading your website, and I honestly wish that all parents had your insight into growing as a person and an individual in society and in ourselves. <br /><br />The idea of being less feminine to be smart is ridiculous. I love makeup and fashion, but it's not all of me. I also love reading, psychology, law, documentaries, etc. Equating ugliness with intelligence and beauty with vapidness is just as dangerous as any other stereotype. People should teach their children how to figure themselves out, figure out their own happiness, comfort levels, and personalities. Whether it's lipstick or tonka trucks or both. Or whether they pretend to be a princess or a doctor. I remember getting complimented on my looks as a child, and I remember it fondly. But I also got complimented on my intelligence, and that meant more to me, because it was something I did, something I could control. <br /><br />I don't plan on having children, but I do have a niece, and when she gets to an age where she can ask questions and think about things like body image, I'm going to be honest with her. I'm going to take her shopping for clothes and for books. I'm going to tell her that beauty can be fun, and sometimes useful, and should be appreciated, but that the idea of beauty varies wildly. To some it's Monet, to others it's graffiti. There will always be someone out there who will appreciate what you have to offer. <br /><br />It's like the house you went to look at, with the beautiful entrance way covered in vines. It was alluring and it drew you in, but when you got inside, to what was important - the things you would have to wake up to everyday, that's what mattered the most. The inside made the decision for you.Jennifyrhttp://www.robotshavesoul.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-85205364726774712262011-10-07T12:34:41.851-07:002011-10-07T12:34:41.851-07:00I love this post. Couldn't agree more that bea...I love this post. Couldn't agree more that beauty and intellect are not mutually exclusive. So well said.Jordanna Fraiberghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00921646280623165723noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-82053083425509230942011-10-05T15:00:53.752-07:002011-10-05T15:00:53.752-07:00I am well into middle age, and grew up hearing &qu...I am well into middle age, and grew up hearing "beauty and brains don't mix." I knew I was smart, so figured I must be ugly--especially since I was not allowed to wear makeup, etc., and not often told I was pretty. As a result, I spent much of my young adult life screwed up, trying to prove to myself I was physically attractive as well as smart. (And I am, BTW.)<br /><br />Have we ever thought that we might do young girls a huge disservice by NOT acknowledging their beauty? That perhaps they might go overboard trying to be sexy or whatever simply because no one has ever validated them in that way? It's a basic biological human need, for pity's sake, to be seen as attractive.Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14772523100354602686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-17146117507942020022011-10-05T09:38:17.709-07:002011-10-05T09:38:17.709-07:00I saw this article, and it just seemed to fit in s...I saw this article, and it just seemed to fit in so well with your post: http://www.chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption/2011/10/pink-is-not-the-enemy-stereotypes-are/<br /><br />Couldn't agree more!Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06389157235676351214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-91841539189097997182011-10-04T11:43:27.488-07:002011-10-04T11:43:27.488-07:00Yet another inspiring IMPORTANT piece written by y...Yet another inspiring IMPORTANT piece written by you wonderful and great Rebecca!!! As a beauty "expert" this subject is something that I am personally constantly addressing with raising two daughters and a son. Noticing, complimenting and honoring beauty is intuitive in all of us and spreads far beyond our daughter's looks. We acknowledge beauty in nature, art, words. Though I appreciate Lisa Bloom's point that acknowledging what a little girl is reading is a great conversation route vs strict focus on how adorable her curls are, to blame women's societal self image downfall on placing value on looking cute is too extreme. I am proud to know that as a woman I have the ability to achieve greatness by using everything I've got. My body, mind and spirit. My focus as a mother is to link all the physical beauty and strength to other areas of importance. The more I encourage my daughter to tap into her strength abilities in her body she not only gets the importance of healthy living, but she gets more out of practicing her cartwheels on the grass. I urge her to connect her physical radiance as a direct result of her heart being filled with love on a daily basis. I compliment her clothing so she knows she has the power to be and represent herself with confidence any way she chooses. It's not superficial, it's deep to know we are beautiful confident creatures inside and out. It's my job to explain through nature, art, literature and yes, pop culture, that beauty is individuality. We as mothers and as woman and as friends have a responsibility to encourage each other in every area. Acknowledgement isn't what limits us, fear of our power does. <br />Love you Rebecca xoxoxoxoMolly R. Sternhttp://mollyrstern.tumblr.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-32544082318131319142011-10-03T13:07:59.808-07:002011-10-03T13:07:59.808-07:00Thank you - very well put. When my first daughter...Thank you - very well put. When my first daughter was an infant, people commented all the time how beautiful she was, to an extreme amount. So, we'd do affirmations, in a mirror, each morning (yes - with an infant). I told her she was smart, funny, caring, loving and beautiful - and I made sure to reiterate the beautiful, for that is a positive thing, along with all the others. We don't do the affirmations any more, but I do tell her about all her wonderful qualities, including how stubborn she is and how beautiful.cora dhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10414189718003492021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-20688337001137383882011-10-03T11:30:53.572-07:002011-10-03T11:30:53.572-07:00I found that entering my three-year-old triplets i...I found that entering my three-year-old triplets in beauty pageants did a lot for their poise and self-confidence. Plus they look adorable in maribou feather trimmed elbow-length gloves and sequinned thongs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-1660267486032136072011-10-03T09:54:00.888-07:002011-10-03T09:54:00.888-07:00I grew up with a mother who very seldom told me I ...I grew up with a mother who very seldom told me I was pretty. What resulted was years of bad makeup/hair/clothing choices because I was so incredibly insecure with myself and how I looked.<br />Of course my mother loved me, and she showed me in other ways, but I can't help but wonder how differently things might have gone if she had ever told me I was beautiful.<br />When I read Lisa's article, I appreciated what she thought she was doing for little girls everywhere, but I am a perfect example of why her theory doesn't work.Mary L.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-53581578850137643222011-10-02T17:06:29.081-07:002011-10-02T17:06:29.081-07:00While I've read millions of your entries, this...While I've read millions of your entries, this has to be one of my faves! Every sentence had me saying, "Yes! You go girl!" I can't agree with you more -- I have a daughter and my goal in life for her is to balance both beauty (both outer and inner) and brains.Jennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-49792123702330893852011-10-02T16:31:53.359-07:002011-10-02T16:31:53.359-07:00I remember reading that article too and thought to...I remember reading that article too and thought to myself after I read it, did I raise my 13 yr old daughter up all wrong and am I destined on the same path of raising my 4 yr old daughter.. <br />Society as a whole needs to lighten up and let people be people no matter what gender.<br />Why does there have to be any particular way of raising girls? I do not recall reading any articles like this when it comes to my 15 yr son.<br /><br />I agree with you, tell your daughters they are gorgeous and can do and be whatever their heart desires!!!bbgHappY1https://www.blogger.com/profile/13975708073019568146noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-48472909246839840622011-10-02T10:23:25.624-07:002011-10-02T10:23:25.624-07:00Yes, well said! I agree that Bloom's best poin...Yes, well said! I agree that Bloom's best points relate to the importance of asking questions and thinking about how we engage with children before we toss off an obligatory compliment. <br /><br />Did you see the Heidi Grant piece, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/heidi-grant-halvorson-phd/girls-confidence_b_828418.html" rel="nofollow">The Trouble with Bright Girls</a>? A really interesting piece about how complimenting girls for being "so smart" can ultimately limit their perception of their own capabilities. Really good read, and one that resonated with my experience of growing up as a "bright girl" far more than the Bloom article. Probably because being told I was pretty didn't turn me into a junior stripper or anything.<br /><br />And the resulting "don't tell girls they're pretty" hysteria has gone a little far with some people. A friend posted a picture of her daughter on fb the other day, and after a few "how cute!" and "she's getting so beautiful!" comments, someone pointedly posted "She looks so smart!" I know, right? I rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain for a second.Christyhttp://www.betterbombshell.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-46518101156350665282011-10-02T08:56:51.841-07:002011-10-02T08:56:51.841-07:00Oh come on! They won't get vain if you tell th...Oh come on! They won't get vain if you tell them they are pretty. As a matter of fact they may get too obsesed with their looks if you don't as girls will always want to look pretty, with or without parents' support. If you tell them they are pretty , they won't tend to try so hard. Of course, awareness of one's looks being only one factor of confidence, it will contribute to them feeling more worthy and not settle... For anything. Why does it have to be all or nothing? It is not like that is all you will be telling them.<br /><br />It is even more important dad tells them they are pretty.<br /><br />Raising a balanced child is an art and skill most of us learn as we go and never master. But if I am going to err, the safe side for me is getting them to feel they are worthy of every compliment. <br />Just relax and enjoy your daughters.Draganahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08045812307777171775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-34140176594419743702011-10-02T07:31:34.580-07:002011-10-02T07:31:34.580-07:00Thank you for this.
My daughter loves to dress up...Thank you for this.<br /><br />My daughter loves to dress up in fancy dresses and tutus. She spent the entire summer in them. At the same time she wore those, she was roaming the yard with binoculars, crawling through the dirt, "exploring". She kept a notebook of all of her finds and then came inside to look them up on the computer and learn more about them. Then she'd run to her room to sing at the top of her lungs while dancing around. She's five. We make it a point to tell her how smart and creative she is, but we also tell her how beautiful she is, inside and out. No pressure from us. Be who you want to be, baby.<br /><br />I don't think compliments need to be mutually exclusive. It's ok to ask a friend's child how her day was at school and compliment her shoes in the same conversation.<br /><br />My final thought: girls always need to feel pretty, even smart ones. If a girl is never told she's pretty, she's going to look for acceptance elsewhere, often in the wrong ways.Meg @sleepynewmommyhttp://www.twitter.com/sleepynewmommynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-67500930373528357802011-10-01T21:42:50.636-07:002011-10-01T21:42:50.636-07:00We tell our daughters or we're supposed to tha...We tell our daughters or we're supposed to that they have all the choices in the world. Then she chooses to be a princess and society expects us to quietly discourage the -wrong- choices. You have all the choices in the world - wait! Don't choose that...<br /><br />Princess doesn't have to mean bimbo - I remember Princess Di helping get rid of land mines - that's pretty bad ass if you ask me.<br /><br />If I have learned anything about being female even more so since becoming a mother. Women take on a million different roles mother, teacher, friend, sister, daughter, librarian, repairman,and even princess. Although the last time I was a Princess it was so my son, the shiny knight could save me.<br /><br /><br />I tell my DD who's only 24 months she's gorgeous when she brushes her hair in the mirror. I tell her she's a smarty pants when she finds letters in a book. Both are true and she seems equally happy with both.Shayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07433774416466589150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-75168083872066400062011-10-01T16:04:12.530-07:002011-10-01T16:04:12.530-07:00I would recommend reading Peggy Orenstein's &q...I would recommend reading Peggy Orenstein's "Cinderella Ate My Daughter." It got me thinking very closely about all this, and how I raise my daughters. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that it's more than okay to embody what culturally may be seen as a paradox. I can rock hot red lipstick and heels while being the most staunch feminist there is. We all can! Here are my more thorough thoughts: http://blogalacart.com/2011/03/cinderella/<br /><br />Perhaps a read for your midnight shift with the babes! :)Ashhttp://blogalacart.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-21107770529560222612011-10-01T15:42:11.412-07:002011-10-01T15:42:11.412-07:00I love what you wrote here. I had a couple of reac...I love what you wrote here. I had a couple of reactions when reading the HP article. 1. I agree with so much of the author's thoughts on the subject & it's obviously a discussion that needs to happen. 2. I'm not going to stop telling my own daughters (twin girls- woot! ;) how beautiful they are ever. And I probably won't stop telling other little girls either. Because like any compliment, it builds confidence, and I just can't see the wrong in that.<br /><br />But... what I take away from all of this is that there is a clear slant in our society when it comes to women. Even the toys and clothes marketed towards our little girls are sexualized (barbies, brat dolls, etc.) and if we aren't careful to counter this at home- big problems in the teenage years. We need to protect them by accentuating other, more important attributes, because our society as a whole just isn't going to.Sarahhttp://www.sarahroot.com/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-43010661960059961842011-10-01T15:41:29.295-07:002011-10-01T15:41:29.295-07:00Thank you! This post has summed my perspective of ...Thank you! This post has summed my perspective of being a woman in this day and age so well.<br />As the youngest of four girls my mum taught all of us that to take pride in appearance was to take pride in yourself, not just with clothes but physically and mentally. I love fashion and design, when my husband tells me I look great I feel great. But I also feel great when he tells me I'm the best fisherman, gardener,camper, hard working, intellectual person he knows & that I always look damn cute in what I'm doing.<br />While I don't do the princess thing I believe that<br />clothes are an outward symbol of you as a person and your views on life at the different stages of your life and fashion has a lot to do with revolutionizing the feminist movement. It's always been entertwined and always will be. <br />Not as beautifully written as the post but you get the drift....<br />Again thanksAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-88723981876250048982011-10-01T12:38:35.071-07:002011-10-01T12:38:35.071-07:00I couldn't agree more. I see it as my job to m...I couldn't agree more. I see it as my job to make sure my little E believes in her heart of hearts that she is the smartest, prettiest, funniest, most creative girl in the world. That she can do anything she sets her mind to. I will do this so that she is well-armed with a self-esteem that as she grows up in a world that will inevitably challenge her at various times, she will always be righted by her foundation of believing she is all of these things and more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-32691361337678264972011-10-01T11:08:14.972-07:002011-10-01T11:08:14.972-07:00Rebecca, I love reading your blog but I feel like ...Rebecca, I love reading your blog but I feel like you almost deliberately missed the point of the article for the sake of argument. The writer didn't say anything about parenting, not complimenting your own children, or teaching your children that they need to be rocket scientists. She makes her finest point in the last sentence, <i>Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. <b>Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.</b></i> It is most important that we are role models that girls can look up to. That is such an important, undervalued power. <br /><br /><i>Of course</i> you think your children are beautiful and tell them so. You're their mother. <i>Of course</i> a girl can be pretty and smart. I noticed that you don't mention in your blog post if, upon meeting a stranger's daughter, you immediately compliment her appearance. The crux of the issue is not whether you tell your girls they are pretty, but how you interact with <i>other</i> little girls you meet for the first time. <br /><br />It is no small feat to give a girl the feeling that a stranger might value her for something beyond physical beauty. I meet a lot of strangers' daughters, and Lisa Bloom is right. You get to know a kid better if you talk to them about something else. Kids are not fixated on the (fleeting) physical beauty of youth like adults are. Most kids think we're silly and boring for our fixation on that stuff. And honestly? They're kind of right. Kids: 1, Adults: 0.Jessicanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-67584265760583021882011-10-01T10:49:39.449-07:002011-10-01T10:49:39.449-07:00P.S. Just to keep in mind when thinking about what...P.S. Just to keep in mind when thinking about what mainstream girls are up against in having their looks define their worth: JC Penney had this shirt in its stores *this year*: http://jezebel.com/5836173/jcpenney-will-destroy-your-daughters-self-esteem-for-just-999Mollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08346964002856633607noreply@blogger.com