tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post7622354958589312086..comments2011-02-15T12:29:34.563-08:00GIRL'S GONE CHILDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07130764109593048451noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-15511764865384023862007-10-02T08:54:00.000-07:002007-10-02T08:54:00.000-07:001. How did you as a childbearing woman separate your sexual self from your baby making self?<BR/><BR/>I really tried (and succeeded pretty much) to not over-think this one. I spent most of my teens and twenties being really screwed up when it came to me as a sexual being. It was actually a relief to me when I became pregnant because I didn’t have to worry about doing “wrong.” I know that the previous comment could ignite a powder keg (the whole “right and wrong” thing), but I just mean that once I was pregnant I chose not to back out and I felt that I had to just surrender to it (which I was able to do). Due to some abusive and confusing sexual experiences I was unable for many years to just surrender to my sexuality (if that makes any sense). I had more (great) sex during pregnancy that I ever had before.<BR/><BR/>2. Does sex feels different for you after vaginal birth? How so?<BR/><BR/>It took me a while (my son is 15 months) for it to not feel weird (physically- son was 9 and a half pounds of un-medicated vaginal birth and I had some internal tears and an anal fissure- tmi, I know). Since the same things just weren’t getting me off I really took matters into my own hands and experimented more and been more vocal about what I want. I would rather be sexually fulfilled than quiet and unhappy. I know that this may sound flip and I don’t mean it to. It was a tough but liberating conclusion that took me a while to come to. My husband is awesome by the way, and definitely appreciates this as well. <BR/><BR/>3. Do you have more sexual hang-ups after a vaginal birth? Less sexual hang-ups? Why do you think this is? <BR/><BR/>See two previous answers  Fewer sexual hang-ups for sure. I think I felt like the sex I was having and feeling hung up about before pregnancy never led to anything but my own feelings of inadequacy. I spent so much of my pre- preggo years dwelling on my effed up feelings about sex, being depressed and hating myself. I couldn’t understand how my husband could love me. I felt a lot of shame for being so sexually dysfunctional. Being pregnant and being a mother felt right to me- I was really lucky in that way. I respect my body a lot more now and I want to try to give it some rewards. <BR/><BR/>4. How do you perceive your bodies now that you have given birth and how has that perception changed your sex life if at all?<BR/><BR/>My body is certainly more “womanly” now, and for me that is a good thing in some ways (especially in the boob dept- for now). I think that my husband found it novel and fun to experience so many different incarnations his sexual partner (he is at least nice enough to let me think so). The breastfeeding dichotomy was tough for me at first, but I got over it pretty quickly. I never had breasts before though, so I think it helped me to value them sexually for the first time (weird at that may seem).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-42349781886273585022007-09-27T12:50:00.000-07:002007-09-27T12:50:00.000-07:00Siiiiigh. 27 (going on 28), married for 7 years, no kids but a GIANT thank you to GGC and all of the amazing commenters on this post. I'd really like to find out what would happen wrt sex/pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding. <BR/><BR/>The reality though, is this: my husband would completely lose interest in me as a sexual being the second I got a ++ and I'd probably be a horny(er) raging mass of hormones and frustration. So I enjoy the hell out of my friends' kids and read inspiring (real!) blogs like yours instead. <BR/><BR/>Thank you.Mayawww.chocklate2.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-58093106323370554652007-09-19T12:41:00.000-07:002007-09-19T12:41:00.000-07:00I am 33, have been married for 6 years, and do not have children yet. Its time to get it done, though, I suppose. <BR/><BR/>The thought of going through any and/or all of this scares the hell out of me. Its enough to make me not want to do it at all. However, it is something my husband agreed that we would do. And I want to - except for all of the above. Like the poster above said, if being afraid of lack of sex drive, depression, self-esteem issues, wizzard sleeves, tearing, bleeding, pain, etc., makes me immature, then I guess I am.<BR/><BR/>Its great to get a real view of how things are. Thanks for sharing - you are all very brave!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-4034075483679111322007-09-14T08:08:00.000-07:002007-09-14T08:08:00.000-07:00Sex sucked after the c/s.<BR/>Third degree tear with homebirth of #2.<BR/>New tears added to the old ones with #3 (she came out in four minutes flat, after my water broke).<BR/>Sex after hbac's.... ROCKS.<BR/>Husband once quietly told me that he feared another cesarean... sex was that awful after it.<BR/>I also breastfed from 14-21 months after each kid. Lube and patience is the answer to all!<BR/>I feel for women who have episiotomies... study after study shows how brutal they are. Get your partners to knock them out of the doctors hands if they even touch them! <BR/>shuddermmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05785848306521183064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-36208085932750617712007-09-14T00:15:00.000-07:002007-09-14T00:15:00.000-07:00Boy, we've got a lot to say about this topic. I had a "sexistential crisis" during and after my two pregnancies. I didn't feel all sexy like some, I think it might have had something to do with Catholic guilt. After the pregnancy was the hardest because of my husband's expectations and my lack of interest. I remember how during sex, certain positions bothered me because they reminded me of certain birthing positions. I had a hard time getting that stuff out of my head.<BR/><BR/>I'm not too sure of how my girly bits faired with two vaginal births, But I will say that sex gets better and better as I get older. Ever since I had my last baby, it's been great. Maybe because mentally I knew I was done and was out of that baby making phase. We've been married 15 years, and the sex just gets better and better. So, yay me.Nilanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-24031930159387513912007-09-13T13:57:00.000-07:002007-09-13T13:57:00.000-07:00I had two c-sections, and I breastfeed. Like you my breasts haven't been sexual parts to me for long before children, though. But sex was painful for months after each child was born. My husband didn't believe me, which made it worse. I felt as if I had to prove something.<BR/><BR/>The thing is though, I'm not sure, whether sex is more in the head for me or more in the body. ... my guess is that for a lot of women, though, sex is a head trip. With all the stress of new mommyhood (even if you're not so new) sex just isn't the same.toyfotohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17925976386177377987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-81596609179245735962007-09-12T21:58:00.000-07:002007-09-12T21:58:00.000-07:00Following what PunditMom said - My husband and I struggled to conceive for several years before we did (thanks to a large dose of modern medicine). That, more than pregnancy or parenthood is what messed with my sex life. Sex to get pregnant is different (here different = less fun) than recreational sex. I thought we'd bounce back once we could have sex just for fun again, but I am not sure it is the same. Sex and sexuality are a big part of our lives. It makes sense that all our changes (including but not limited to giving birth) will affect that.nonlineargirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05414675024101618604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-7409609089317194202007-09-12T13:39:00.000-07:002007-09-12T13:39:00.000-07:00A long-time reader but a first-time commenter. This post meshed with a lot of my own thoughts on post-baby sex. I would say that right around the time I weaned (at 13 months), our sex life skyrocketed. EVERYTHING is a million times better than it's ever been sexually (in our 10-year relationship), from the orgasms to the variety to the frequency to the emotional connection to the fun and goofiness of it all. <BR/><BR/>I think a large part of it is simply not being physically beholden to a little being all the time. I got my body back, mentally and physically (losing the pregnancy weight certainly helped, though boobs and belly are definitely in slightly new locations). <BR/><BR/>But I think it's also that after being pregnant and delivering our son (an admittedly easy delivery), I sort of feel like my body can do anything. I trust it and respect it way more. Definitely less hangups.<BR/><BR/>It also doesn't hurt to have a patient partner who never stops finding you attractive. Like a lot of women, I didn't want a mirror when I was pushing. I mean, eww. But my husband was the one who insisted, saying that what he was seeing was so amazing that I couldn't miss it. And it was.Ameliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17839277560151381337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-28357119157558951372007-09-12T06:51:00.000-07:002007-09-12T06:51:00.000-07:00I have no children so I can really only address question 5. I've been following this blog now for a while because, not only do I love the writing, but I like to have a peek into what motherhood is like for some people. Over the last year or two I have been seriously questioning whether or not I want to have a child some day. I am 26 and got married 2 years ago, so the pressure is on, so to speak.<BR/><BR/>I have been gathering information about many different aspects about pregnancy, birth, and parenting over this time. Almost every pregnancy story I hear discomforts my mind and fuels my anxieties.<BR/><BR/>I have to say that reading about everyone's experiences here has more or less freaked me the fuck out. But! I am so glad you shared these stories, because I've never heard such candid information on this topic.<BR/><BR/>It all seems new and frightening to me, what many of you have described. I guess, as someone wrote earlier, this means I am immature and unready to have kids. I can accept that this is probably true. But if maturity is *not* being scared of the lack of sex drive, the loss of control over one's body, the vaginal scar tissue, the unresponsive breasts, the self-urination, the wizard's sleeve, the pain...I don't know that I'll ever be "mature". I don't know that I'll be able to accept those things. Sex is important to me. Is it worth it to let that go?<BR/><BR/>Are there really not that many "positive" (free of issues, pain and complications) post-birth sexuality stories? Most of these stories here seem to skew the other way. <BR/><BR/>And if anyone doesn't mind sharing more, I'm very curious as to the "positions" some have aluded to...which ones became off limits after birth, and which new ones had to be adopted?<BR/><BR/>Again, thanks so much for all the info...it's sort of overwhelming to hear these things as someone who hasn't been there herself, but it definately is not TMI.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-42043851061812678752007-09-11T20:48:00.000-07:002007-09-11T20:48:00.000-07:00Horrible to admit this but I haven't had sex with my husband since I conceived my daughter 3 years ago. I guess you could say motherhood sucked everything out of me.<BR/><BR/>I am in therapy of course! Ha ha!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-14431748582277364982007-09-11T18:27:00.000-07:002007-09-11T18:27:00.000-07:00Sex versus being a baby-maker - I just sort of grinned and bore it - I compartmentalized a little bit. "Now is sexual..... now is not...." I was luckily at a point where I felt pretty comfortable in my body when I got pregnant, and I really liked how I looked & felt pregnant, too, so I think that helped. I don't remember ever worrying about sex post-baby, I think I kind of figured that people manage to have multiple kids, so they must be having sex post-baby, and it's working out okay for them, so I'll be fine. I think I'm just very naive.<BR/>Sex is different now, but not in a way I can put my finger on. Just different. I have noticed other stuff changing - like, I can't squat over a toilet without making a huge mess. I have to go through the whole laying down of TP before I can sit thing or there are puddles. How childbirth managed to do that, I'll never know.<BR/>I don't really have sexual hang-ups now and I never had any before - sex has always been pretty fun and easy for me.<BR/>Perception of my body, though, that is a fun topic. Fun, fun, fun. I try to do the whole "I gave birth, I am strong, hear me ROAR" thing, but mostly I hate that my boobs are all saggy and I have stretch marks up the whazoo and my vag is misaligned somehow. I don't hate what pregnancy/birth did to my body, though, and I am proud of myself and my body for doing as well as we did with the whole thing.superblondgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08136168968835880155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-56478538422787122542007-09-11T17:07:00.000-07:002007-09-11T17:07:00.000-07:00i knew that hotdog was going to give me indigestion. and i still contend that wind tunnels are a better comparison. mwah. dtbitemycookiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10861685660549332518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-38237562547870069482007-09-11T15:17:00.000-07:002007-09-11T15:17:00.000-07:00after breastfeeding, my formerly unbelievably perky tatas no longer stand up on their own. they are streched and scarred and just not attractive. you know when you were little and drew boobs that looked like "u's"? yeah. and sex for me does feel different. i don't think it's a hotdog in a hallway but maybe a small foyer. so speak on sistah. there may be some who don't have these problems but there are some that do and you make us feel like we're not alone.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-55916507070099411402007-09-11T14:49:00.000-07:002007-09-11T14:49:00.000-07:00I really admire you for being so honest with all of this. <BR/><BR/>I don't have kids, but I know two things already...I'm scared of a vaginal birth, but I'd not fight a c-section if it was medically needed. Two, I don't want to breastfeed. I'm not uncomfortable with others doing it, but I know it's not what I want to do. I don't think women should be made to feel guilty for it, nor should they have to explain it. But I'm constantly surrounded by women who think it's so horrible to bottle feed. Oh well, I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10780589302319316351noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-83827647624574917232007-09-11T14:32:00.000-07:002007-09-11T14:32:00.000-07:00Of course, Susannah! All links are welcome.GIRL'S GONE CHILDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07130764109593048451noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-41154724045631115122007-09-11T14:17:00.000-07:002007-09-11T14:17:00.000-07:00First let me say how much I admire you! You rock as a writer and even more so as a woman for having posted about this subject.<BR/>To answer the questions:<BR/>1. When I was pregnant I was a horny mess. Unfortunately my husband couldn't get past the idea that he would be poking the baby. I think we had sex maybe 7 times during that whole time. But since then, I neither he nor I view me any less sexually. <BR/>2. I had a c-section so I can't really answer this. But I can say that even though my daughter didn't come out that way, I did spend 3 hours pushing so the first few times we had sex it hurt like hell. <BR/>3. I think I have less sexual hangups, but more body hangups. If those can even be separated?<BR/>4. My stomach is looser, my boobs saggier. This is how I perceive my body. Which sucks but oh well.<BR/><BR/>As I said, thanks for posting this! I just started my own blog and don't really know how these things work--but would you mind if I directed my (few) readers to your blog to read this?? I love it.susannahhttp://petuniaface.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-32773183786114765522007-09-11T13:44:00.000-07:002007-09-11T13:44:00.000-07:001. I don't think that I did. I was actually more secure with my body when pregnant than I was before (or since). I loved being pregnant, sharing my body with my husband, etc. I am currently nursing and plan to for a while yet. At first, my breasts were off-limits to the hubby, now they are fair game, unless I've had a ruthless feeding day, then he doesn't get to play. Sometimes I feel it's a bit odd to have him play and then later nurse Baby, but I'm not turned off (or on) by it - I think I can be both sexual and a mother in that sense.<BR/><BR/>2. Can't answer - had a c-section, which I consider "giving birth," even if it's not in the traditional sense of the word.<BR/><BR/>3. Again, had a c-section. However, I think that the exploring we did to find new positions when I was pregnant has paid off post-pregnancy, too.<BR/><BR/>4. I am not as comfortable about my body. I think that it looks better clothed than unclothed. I don't think I've slept naked (used to all the time) since Baby arrived, 6 months ago. Getting up to nurse in the middle of the night is my excuse, but really, I just don't like to see myself naked. (Not that I loved it BP, but somehow, I am more uncomfortable now.) However, when I have Baby with me, I feel less self-conscious about my body, maybe because I think that people will think "oh, she's a mom, it's OK that her body's not perfect." I am, however, making it a goal to carve out some "me time" at the gym. I won't ever have the body I had BP or the body I had when I met my husband, but that doesn't mean I can't tone up what I've got now!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-28352854269990020132007-09-11T12:55:00.000-07:002007-09-11T12:55:00.000-07:00You Have a beautiful Tummy Mummy<BR/><BR/>You should put your pregnant pictures on <A HREF="http://www.pregnancyexposed.com" REL="nofollow">pregnancy tip</A>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-7753260786580405272007-09-11T12:44:00.000-07:002007-09-11T12:44:00.000-07:00This is a great topic to discuss, Bec! Thanks for having the courage to speak up. =D<BR/><BR/>1. Short answer: I didn't. I *loved* being pregnant and felt even more sexy than I ever did in my whole life, even with the HUGE weight gain. My childbearing self is the same self that is sexual. After all, I am only one person. ;)<BR/><BR/>2. We were ready and raring to go only a couple weeks after I gave birth. I didn't tear (thanks to a water birth) so there was no reason to wait. We got randy even though it hurt a bit..once I got through the pain, it didn't hurt anymore. It felt different at that time because I had a huge, gaping hole. Yes, I took a mirror and got a good look at my girl bits just because I was curious. As a result, I was in awe of my body. I kept looking at my son, amazed at the miracle of his birth and how he came out of ME. Now, 2 years later, sex is more or less the same as before I gave birth.<BR/><BR/>3. I did have a sexual hang-up about 6 months after my son was born. I think it was the stress of having a baby who got up every hour on the hour (he slept through the night until 4 months old). It just about wiped out whatever sexuality I had. Breastfeeding contributed to that too. Now that I've stopped breastfeeding the last month, I notice my sexuality is coming back. Hello, sexy me, long time, no see!<BR/><BR/>4. One word: AWE. This may sound crazy but I have such much more respect for my body than ever before. I was never really body-conscious but I am even more in awe of what my body is capable of. I also feel empowered that I was able to make my own decisions related to everything about my birth experience (homebirth, waiting for cord to stop pulsing before cutting, etc). That empowerment has helped me gain a stronger sense of self as well as given me confidence that I can be a mother and be sexy.Kerihttp://www.jimikiwi.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-83876944253788502102007-09-11T12:34:00.000-07:002007-09-11T12:34:00.000-07:00sex after vaginal delivery has been different for me, for sure. for one, i seem to be one of those lucky individuals who make scar tissue down there--it's called "granulation tissue." i am eight months postpartum and STILL seeing a doctor for silver nitrate treatments because it keeps coming back. needless to say, not much sex is happening. although honestly, despite my scar-tissue issue, and because we waited like 3 months to try, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. but i do think this is such a huge issue that women and men are unprepared for--the emotional and physical stuff women go through post-birth is just staggering and unpredictable. thanks all for sharing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-6575583201882787012007-09-11T08:08:00.000-07:002007-09-11T08:08:00.000-07:00wow. reading these comments has made my heart ache. so nice that the asshole comments of one woman bent on denying every woman's unique perspective have brought out so much understanding and support. go GGC.<BR/><BR/>having an emergency C-section, i was shocked to discover that sex was painful (6 months)afterwards. i had no MIL telling me like it was, and assumed that the scar site was my only sore spot. shit moves around, and i was tighter than i was as a virgin. things got better but it's just all so strange to have your body,life,self-image all change so much at once. great post, thanks.edennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-22874725774680521382007-09-11T07:44:00.000-07:002007-09-11T07:44:00.000-07:00I had a c-section with my first son and a vaginal with my second. I was ready for sex after four weeks with both. It was equally uncomfortable, whether it was my aching incision or my tender vaginal tears. With both, certain positions became difficult and painful. There are still some things I won't/can't do. As far as how I feel down there, how good sex is...I don't feel loose. My doc did an excellent job stitching everything up nice and tight. I gave birth to a 10.5 pounder, so I thought I'd never feel my husband again, but so far so good. I think after having a baby, no matter the type of delivery, things down there shift and change and can be more sensitive. My husband has learned to be a bit more gentle. As far as my sexual hangups, they went away after I stopped breastfeeding after a year. I still hesitate when hubs gets near the nipples, but I am starting to enjoy it again. Mostly I am just really tired, and a little paranoid about the state of my tummy flab. I still think we have a great sex life (3-4 times a week) and it's actually better than some of my childless friends.Jessicanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-1061669498974549012007-09-11T04:53:00.000-07:002007-09-11T04:53:00.000-07:00The funny answer: Sex after babies? Who has time.BOSSYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12137297805742498961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-27710542532159760802007-09-11T00:39:00.000-07:002007-09-11T00:39:00.000-07:00Thank You! for this post and for everyone else who commented. Thank you for not making me feel alone in this. <BR/><BR/>My biggest hurdle has been with breastfeeding. I originally didn't want to do it, but was guilt tripped, by other women, into doing it. It wasn't too bad the first two months (emotionally), but by the third I had had enough. Not to sound too adolescent, but it was starting to gross me out and I couldn't understand why. Now I know. What's worse is that I haven't been able to tell anyone the truth as to why I've stopped. I hate that I can't put it out there and let it just be. Why should I have to explain myself?? <BR/><BR/>It was an agonizing and tearful decision to stop breastfeeding. Torn between "being a good momma" and my desire to reclaim my body as my own. It was supposed to feel natural and I was supposed to want to breastfeed, but it just wasn't for me. <BR/><BR/>I'm normal! I'm not broken and I'm not less of a momma!The Flying Enchiladahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01831840049943978756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18751784.post-26908825577510359762007-09-10T21:33:00.000-07:002007-09-10T21:33:00.000-07:00Jeez. I was hoping that my dampened desire was just from being so effin tired! <BR/><BR/>I definitely feel like pushing out two enormous heads and getting stitched up eached time simply moved things around a bit in the vaginal department. So yes, it feels different. <BR/><BR/>As for hang-ups, after my husband witnessed our second child coming out foot-first in the ER, I thought he would never want to venture 'down there' again. But he does, more than I do. I have a harder time shutting off the buzz going on in my own head. I recently freaked a little when he was nuzzling my boobs and I feared my milk would let down. I'm also more afraid of getting pregnant, which is funny since it took us two years of TRYING to get pregnant with #1.<BR/><BR/>Overall, I'm much kinder on myself and my body. I was always too skinny with teeny boobs; after birthing and breastfeeding two heaelthy babies, I have new respect for my body and what it can do.mrs. Q.noreply@blogger.com