zadie in the village with cooper

When I was little, I used to think it was the job of all parents to comfort their children. I used to think that when someone died, the child cried and the parent comforted... When the family pet was put to rest, the children cried and the parent comforted... 

Isn't that what parents do?

I still think that must be the case... and yet, it isn't here. Not right now. Not for the past few days, anyway. We told the kids on Friday that Zadie was at the end. But they already knew.

Her blindness combined with dementia combined with incontinence and an inability to go on walks anymore...

They knew. 

And yet, for the past week, since we knew that our days with Zadie were numbered, my kids have been the ones comforting me.

Just like they did with Cooper when he passed three years ago. I actually just typed "two years" before realizing it was actually three years ago... it doesn't feel like that long. I still miss him. I still dream about him. I still include his name in things... I still can't believe he's gone.

I can't believe they're gone.

***

Last night, I whispered all of the things I remembered about her life, starting with the beginning when we first met. I was about to turn twenty-one. I was a child. So was she.

She would wobble when she walked and always managed to end up in bed with me. She licked my belly when I was pregnant all three times... she licked my feet when they were swollen. Didn't leave my side when I was in pain... physically... emotionally... ever.

"Do you remember?" I asked her.

She couldn't hear anymore. And in the last six months had gone completely blind, but she looked at me and she listened. I swear to god she did.

Zadie has always been an empath and mind reader... when I was sad in my early twenties (and also mid twenties and late twenties and early thirties and mid thirties) she would get sick. Violently sick. She would throw up if I was crying. Like clockwork every time. Before I met Hal she spent every night asleep at my feet. When Cooper was dying, she sat by his side and licked his eyes.

She let the kids pet her and hold her and carry her around the house. She let them dress her up like a lady and wherever I was writing, she would follow me and plunk down at my feet.

Dying is so frustratingly unfair. Cooper didn't know that he was dying but Zadie did. She told me with her eyes. She was done, here.

***

I've cried buckets over the last few days... the kids have been incredibly resilient. Maybe it's because, in the same way I feel the need to rally with smiles and high fives when they're down... they want to do the same for me.

Archer sat with me in the hallway and let me cry in his arms over the weekend and when I looked up to see if he was crying, I saw that he wasn't... he just smiled, instead. Patted me on the back. Let me cry.

Revi held my hand and told me that Zadie was going to "the village" to be with Cooper.

When I asked her what the village was, she said, "it's where all the dogs go when they die..."

Apparently I had told her that once before...

I don't remember.

***

I have no poker face when it comes to this stuff. Not in front of my kids, anyway. I am snotting all over myself and I dgaf because this really fucking sad and I am sad and it's okay to be sad and Fable just painted me a picture of a rainbow and a smily face as I was writing the above sentence and thank you, Fable. I love you. Fable. I love your rainbow. 

I don't know how to end this post. Or feel less sad than I do right now.  It should get easier, this stuff. I'm a grown woman and yet, here I am sobbing trying to say something to do Z's life and love justice... she was my longest living roommate and playmate and immediate family member. She saw me through the last fourteen years of my life... she was here for all of it and I mean ALL OF IT.

And now she's gone and I don't know. I do know that I feel better because of them -- because of the comfort of my children who it turns out are FAR more comforting than I am... Fable with her rainbow and Archer holding my hands in the hallway and Bo trying to make me laugh and Revi comforting me with her words and hugs.

"Cooper is waiting for her, mama. He's waiting for her at The Village."

Cooper and Zadie, 2013
Cooper and Zadie, 2002 right now

***

Thank you for fourteen incredible years, ZuZu.
...You live forever in our hearts.

Eat Well: Blue La La

The following post was written by my mom, WWW. Thanks, Mom!

If it seems like I’ve been MIA it’s because I have been. My son, David and his wife, Alyssa recently moved to Portland, Oregon, and between two trips to visit them, a trip to Texas to hear Rachel’s last doctoral recital, and several trips back and forth to LA for Archer and Fable activities—all in the last two months, so I’ve hardly been home. I fell in love—FELL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE—with Portland. For a green-starved Southern Californian, it was like going to heaven. We hiked up waterfalls, down waterfalls, to alpine meadows filled with fields of wildflowers, ate delicious food, walked to everything near where they live, and marveled at everyone’s gorgeous spring-blooming gardens. I love how many people plant vegetables in the tree lawn in front of their houses. And then there are the berries. All of the woods are teeming with berry bushes of all kinds, as are people’s homes. David and Alyssa have a huge number of raspberry canes, which were just starting to bear fruit when we left. They are now in full swing. 

When Rebecca was a baby, we lived in New Jersey for a couple of years and had a huge raspberry patch in our backyard. Every day in early summer, Rebecca and I would pick bowls and bowls of raspberries, most of which we would eat right there in the garden. They were by far Rebecca’s favorite fruit growing up, and it was hard to explain, once we moved away and no longer had an endless supply of them, that unless you grow them, they are a special occasion, once in a while luxury that come in very small packages. 

If you live in an area where you can plant perennial berry bushes—raspberries, blackberries, or blueberries—I highly recommend it. There is nothing more gratifying than going into the garden to pick berries. Make sure you check with a reputable source, such as your local farm advisor or a local garden expert, to find out which varieties grow best in your climate zone. (Nurseries are not always a reliable source of information.) Or if you don’t have the space or the right climate, going berry picking at a local farm is also fun. I was lucky last week to get an invitation from my dear friend, Mary, to go blueberry picking 5 minutes from home at a farm that she is working with. We picked about 10 lbs of blueberries, and I’ve been gorging on them ever since. I shared some, froze some but mostly have been eating them by the handfuls.

On Father's Day, I made a delicious recipe for blueberry buckle. (You can also make raspberry or blackberry versions.) This recipe came from The How Can It Be GlutenFree Cookbook by America’s Test Kitchen. It is yummy, easy to make, and the batter can be made ahead of time to be popped in the oven when you sit down to dinner, ready to be served hot from the oven. If you are not on a gluten-free diet, substitute regular flour for the gluten-free flour. 

Individual Blueberry-Almond Buckles 

5 ½ ounces (3/4 cup) sugar 

½ cup sliced almonds, toasted and chopped coarse 

(toast at 325 for about 8-10 minutes before chopping) 

4 Tablespoons unsalted butter, softened 

¼ teaspoon salt 

1/3 cup heavy cream 

2 large eggs 

½ teaspoon almond extract 

3 ½ ounces (1/2 cup plus 2 T) King Arthur Gluten-Free Multi-Purpose Flour 

(or about ¾ cups plain flour)

½ teaspoon baking powder 

3 cups fresh blueberries 

1. Adjust oven rack to middle position and heat oven to 375 degrees. Spray eight 6-ounce (or six 7-ounce) ramekins with vegetable oil spray and place on rimmed baking sheet. 

2. Process sugar, ¼ cup almonds, butter, and salt together in food processor until finely ground, 10 to 15 seconds. With processor running, add cream, eggs, and almond extract and continue to process until smooth, about 5 seconds. Add flour blend and baking powder and pulse until incorporated, about 5 pulses. 

3. Transfer batter to large bowl and gently fold in blueberries. Spoon batter into prepared ramekins and sprinkle evenly with remaining ¼ cup almonds. (Buckles can sit at room temperature, covered with plastic wrap, for up to 2 hours.) 

4. Bake buckles until golden and beginning to pull away from sides of ramekins, 25 to 30 minutes, rotating sheet halfway through baking. Let buckles cool on wire rack for 10 minutes before serving.

VARIATIONS: 

RASPBERRY—Substitute shelled pistachios for almonds, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract for almond extract, and fresh raspberries for blueberries. 

BLACKBERRY—Substitute walnuts for almonds, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract for almond extract, and fresh blackberries for blueberries.

And if you have a bumper crop of berries, freezing them is a wonderful way to enjoy them after your bushes are no longer producing. 

Freezing fresh berries: 

Wash and dry thoroughly. Spread on a rimmed baking sheet so that berries aren’t touching. Put in freezer until frozen (1-2 hours).

Transfer berries to a Ziplock container, sucking out the air with a straw. The berries will be frozen individually and you can take out as many as you want at a time. Frozen berries make great wholesome snacks for kids! They think they are eating popsicles! 

 Enjoy! 

 Love, 

 WWW

271/100

Listening to Dark Dark Dark on the Bright Bright Brightest day of the Year Year Year...

Meanwhile, the Kids, Kids, Kids are home for Summer, Summer, Summer...  Not doing Camp Camp Camp until August August,August.... Trying to Work Work Work but like Ha Ha Ha...

Feeling Overwhelmed Overwhelmed Overwhelmed.

This song helps... 

Sending Love Love Love and endless Light Light Light...
Happy Summer, Lovers.

***

271. Wild Go & Daydreaming by Dark, Dark, Dark