Thank you.

First of all, thank you for your loving comments, support, personal notes and all around kindness these last few days. I have been working up the courage to post last week's post for... a while, but since the election felt tempered in my enthusiasm and began to question, more than usual, absolutely everything.

Raising money to make a movie suddenly felt petty considering everything that was going on – being an advocate for my project (and myself) felt inappropriate -- like setting up a lemonade stand in the middle of a funeral. I have never raised money for anything before, nor have I been this invested in a creative project, so putting it all out there knowing that the risks are as high as the rewards is somewhat (x 789789718923) petrifying.

I was CERTAIN that 2017 was going to be the year of the woman. That we would be celebrating our female power like never before. I was CERTAIN that, inspired by HRC and women like her, I would watch and learn -- and feel more empowered than ever before to FIGHT AND WIN. Because in 2017, that would be possible. I had this grandiose picture in my head that 2017 would be the female future we all rallied for. I thought that on November 8th, the glass ceiling would smash and we would all dance upon the pieces like YES. SHE DID IT! AND NOW WE CAN, TOO.

Instead, something else happened. And I spent many days and nights thinking about how that something was affecting me, my family, friends, our entire country...  Hillary's loss was personal for many of us but not as personal as her opponent's win... I have known men like him all my life. I have been afraid to stand up to them -- unable to say no... disgusted with my inability to fight back because "it won't be worth it," or worse...

The election triggered something in me that resonates with the core of what PANS is about -- a girl who reclaims her power after feeling like her community has stripped her of it -- not just the boy who assaulted her but the girls who stand by him, refusing to believe her side of the story. And while Pans is, of course, based loosely on Peter Pan, it is also a deeply personal story about finding and creating alliances with people who HEAR YOU while refusing relationships with people who would rather not. It's about the importance of SAYING NO and being UNAPOLOGETIC as advocates for our own bodies/minds/souls.

It's the movie I wished I had as a teenage girl.

It's also the movie I wish I had now.

Since November 9th, I have looked to myself and other women in my community to be my leaders. I have looked to my peers and a younger generation of outspoken young people who are unafraid and unapologetic in their dissent. Since the election, I have repeated ad nauseam to my children, to my family, to myself, that maybe it was never about one woman leading the free world but MILLIONS OF US leading ourselves and each other.

Maybe WE ARE THE ONES WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

Maybe there are thousands of other women who, like me,  have been working on projects for years about ALL OF THE THINGS we must fight against NOW. In trying to find a way to feel emboldened in this moment, I keep going back to that.

If it wasn't for November 8th, I don't know if I'd have an 8 year old daughter signing her journal every night, Your Future President... 

Sometimes it takes the rise of a villain for us all to become superheroes. And sometimes it takes writing fictional stories for us to realize our truths. If more women could tell the stories...if more women could cast more women, could hire more women, could explore more women’s stories, maybe we wouldn't have to fight so fucking hard to be heard.

My experience writing this script was parallel to that of my main character. It took writing this script for me to realize the depth of my own experience in the same way Wynne realizes how profoundly she has been affected by her assault. Perhaps this is why it's been so scary for me to write publicly about this project. My journey as a woman on this project parallels that of my heroine as she, too, finds HER power. Maybe that's always how it works but in my experience it has been revelatory.

Art heals. I don't think it knows how not to. 

So many things happened while working on PANS – reminders at every turn that making this movie is not only important for me and for so many other women,  but mostly for young girls who don’t have the opportunity to watch their stories on the big screen, specifically those about what it means to rise up, speak out against rape and resist the culture that supports it.

Hollywood prides itself on being a liberal mecca but pay attention and you'll see that toxic masculinity, whitewashing, racism, misogyny and chauvinism. (Showvanism?) are a Hollywood institution. Female directors STILL make up only 7% of the top 250 grossing films and to this day, the vast majority of films lack female representation behind the camera.

ED: In 2014, 85% of films had no female directors, 80% had no female writers, 33% had no female producers, 78% had no female editors and 92% had no female cinematographers, according to the Center for the Study of Women in Television and Film at San Diego State University.

On-set harassment, even rape, are not isolated instances. And while, sexism is CLEARLY a problem behind the scenes, on-screen storytelling ripples WORLDWIDE. Exhibit A: Think about the favorite films our generation grew up with. (WTF.) Meanwhile, articles like this are published without irony.

Consumers have always been in control. We don't have to eat what is put on our plate. We can (and I believe we should) demand better.

Anyway. Now that the floodgates have opened, I have so much I want to talk about... when it's an appropriate time to do so.

Later this week, I will be directing a short tease that we will use to launch our crowdfunding campaign, which goes live next month. As of now, we are scheduled to shoot PANS this May on location in my hometown of Encinitas. We have already done one preliminary scout which was amazing. I am going to need a ton of help to get the word out for this project and will post about that more later as well. If you would like to reach me or my production team with any questions and/or investor/sponsorship inquiries you can do so at pansfilm@gmail.com.

Thank you again for your kindness and support as I navigate this project. The next few weeks and months are going to be crucial, so it means everything to me to know you guys are behind me. THANK YOU. We are putting together a really beautiful crowdfunding campaign that I'm really excited to share with you. 

In the meantime, thank you from the bottom of my heart for empowering me to be better at empowering myself. I am, like my project, a work under constant construction, which is why I'm so beyond grateful and consistently overwhelmed by this community.

More soon + love and gratitude always.