93/100

It's been a couple months since I've posted a takeaway show (my favorite kind) so here's a shiny new one, for all the Stars fans in the house/anyone in the market for some pretty melodies to hum throughout the day.

"Live through thiiiiiis and you won't. Look. Back..."

93. Your Ex-Lover is Dead & Haunted by: Stars via La Blogotheque

GGC

Nine Weeks

Over the weekend, my non-showing self sprouted an itty-bitty baby belly. I think. Sans babes, my tum isn't exactly six-pack flat, so there's a chance that this is what my stomach always looks like and I've convinced myself I'm showing because I feel like I should be HUGE already knowing how enormous I'm soon to be.

ED: Over the weekend I bought some books on "multiples pregnancies" and learned that I am supposed to consume ONE THOUSAND extra calories daily which made me feel terrible (see! this is why I hate pregnancy books!) because there's no fucking way. I mean... if my body is telling me NOT to eat, what am I supposed to do, force feed myself grilled cheese sandwiches?

The answer is yes, apparently so.

Anyway. Here is my bump:

And here is a better picture so you can REALLY see that it is indeed slowly growing. I think.

I want to thank all of you again for your kindness and support and to the twin moms who have contacted me with information, THANK YOU. I feel totally overwhelmed by all that this pregnancy is and means and differs from my last two. And even though I'm getting excited to grow these babes and someday meet them, I feel in many ways alone, and overwhelmed by how we'll afford/have the time to take care of all these children. I don't have any friends in LA with three kids, let alone four, so in a way I feel a little like I did when I was pregnant with Archer - like I'm veering into no man's land, here, in my soon-to-be Winnebago of a bod. (I told Hal we're going to have to either convert to Mormonism or become Orthodox Jews to make friends because who the hell is going to invite us anywhere with all these children?)

The other night we were discussing how two babies end up in one mommy. Archer believes that when people die they immediately become babies in a mommy's stomach. That two people must have died at the same time and that's why I'm pregnant with twins. And then he told me to tell my "baby doctor" that when HE dies he'd like to go straight into my tummy again because "I love this family and want to live in this life again."

Every time I feel an inkling of fear of the future, I think of Archer and his words, always wise and kind and comforting and I think, whatever if no one invites us anywhere, or if we'll never be able afford to take a family African Safari or send the kids to out of state colleges... we got, we got love.

GGC

Thank you, Thank you

I feel like all I do these days is post announcements and thank you posts. Like, that's what this blog has become. Surprises and me collapsing at everyone's feet in tears, overwhelmed by the love. Because I am. I'm overwhelmed and so grateful. I have read every single comment you posted yesterday, Hal has too, and because of you, BELIEVE with all my heart that we can do this. Because we can. Because so many of YOU did.

Because everywhere I turn there's a friend with tupperware containers full of dinner or a mother with trays of homemade cookies and love notes or a sister who stops by after work to help me bathe the kids (Hal's been working late these last two weeks.) Because everyone cares. It's blowing my mind. I feel like I'm sleep-walking through my life will all these hands holding my limp body up while I dream of things that still don't entirely make sense.

Watching the tsunami coverage last night I was overwhelmed by nature and its capabilities, by the horror of disasters and how out of control we all are and how much we take for granted as we go about our days, making plans and lists, oblivious to the lines and how quickly they bend into question-marks. And I kept thinking, How can I possibly be afraid of life right now? Of lives? How can I not feel blessed to be safe and healthy and full of tiny faces?

Because I do. I really do. It's fucking scary as all fuck-a-duck, but it's amazing. I'm in awe of my body right now. Not that I wasn't before but this is just beyond insane. I've never felt to overwhelmed by every kind of emotion (hence my lack of eloquence here today).

This is what happens when one attempts to speak while speechless.

***

When I told Fable the news, she pulled up her shirt. "I ha da two babies in ma belly too, mama!" she said.

Archer's response: "No way. That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard."

I've never seen him so excited about anything. He's convinced they're both girls. Because he can see himself "surrounded by sisters" ... The love is palpable. And yes, the fear will linger on. I accept that. I accept that I will never be fully prepared for tomorrow. For life... I accept that this will be a challenge. But also, an excellent adventure, full of road trips as we'll never again be able to afford to fly!

There is nothing that brings me more joy than being a mother. NOTHING. And so, the truth is? I will likely explode with four to adore.

And do you want to hear what's crazy? My nausea immediately went away upon hearing the news. And as of yet (knock wood) has not returned. I'm eating again. A little bit but still. Huge difference these past few days in my ability to function.

And this morning?

I woke up happy. Like... REALLY fucking happy. Excited. Possessed by this crazy kind of love. For everyone around me. For everyone within me

. For petrified excitement. For minivans.

For life.

Thank you all from the bottom of my hearts.

GGCssss