Because everywhere I turn there's a friend with tupperware containers full of dinner or a mother with trays of homemade cookies and love notes or a sister who stops by after work to help me bathe the kids (Hal's been working late these last two weeks.) Because everyone cares. It's blowing my mind. I feel like I'm sleep-walking through my life will all these hands holding my limp body up while I dream of things that still don't entirely make sense.
Watching the tsunami coverage last night I was overwhelmed by nature and its capabilities, by the horror of disasters and how out of control we all are and how much we take for granted as we go about our days, making plans and lists, oblivious to the lines and how quickly they bend into question-marks. And I kept thinking, How can I possibly be afraid of life right now? Of lives? How can I not feel blessed to be safe and healthy and full of tiny faces?
Because I do. I really do. It's fucking scary as all fuck-a-duck, but it's amazing. I'm in awe of my body right now. Not that I wasn't before but this is just beyond insane. I've never felt to overwhelmed by every kind of emotion (hence my lack of eloquence here today).
This is what happens when one attempts to speak while speechless.
When I told Fable the news, she pulled up her shirt. "I ha da two babies in ma belly too, mama!" she said.
Archer's response: "No way. That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard."
I've never seen him so excited about anything. He's convinced they're both girls. Because he can see himself "surrounded by sisters" ... The love is palpable. And yes, the fear will linger on. I accept that. I accept that I will never be fully prepared for tomorrow. For life... I accept that this will be a challenge. But also, an excellent adventure, full of road trips as we'll never again be able to afford to fly!
There is nothing that brings me more joy than being a mother. NOTHING. And so, the truth is? I will likely explode with four to adore.
And do you want to hear what's crazy? My nausea immediately went away upon hearing the news. And as of yet (knock wood) has not returned. I'm eating again. A little bit but still. Huge difference these past few days in my ability to function.
And this morning?
I woke up happy. Like... REALLY fucking happy. Excited. Possessed by this crazy kind of love. For everyone around me. For everyone within me
. For petrified excitement. For minivans.
Thank you all from the bottom of my hearts.