Archer Road Rages, And Takes Self Portraits

Here's the thing, friends and strangers: I have a dirty, cussy mouth. Especially when I'm driving and people are being dickfarms: changing lanes without a turn signal i.e. cutting a bitch off. Archer's speech-delay has sort of tricked me into thinking Archer hasn't been absorbing every word I've uttered in the last so-odd months. Like "shit". And "holy balls" and "dickfarm" of course, which is a word I coined myself. Thank you, thank you.

I don't even notice when I say these things, of course. I accidentally curse in front of little old ladies and small children and oh, sweet lord! I'm a horrible role model! When you see me RUN. THE. OTHER. WAY! ( coming soon to a browser near you!)

So Archer's cussing, now. He says "Oh, shit" and "GO! Adhole!" when we're in the car. I've created a monster which is not good (at all) especially because Archer starts preschool in T minus three-weeks and I'm seriously scared. Because a child with a speech delay who can curse like a sailor? Well, that's kind of suspect.

Okay, really suspect.

At least he's cute. I mean, how can anyone be hard on a rubber ducky who makes bathtime so much fun?

Oh, who am I kidding. I'm so fucking effing busted.


In other news, Archer masters the art of the self-portrait, and I flirt with the idea of *actually* printing my own digital photos for once in my life. Sheesh, I have issues.


Anonymous | 5:05 PM

Thank you for this whole year of watching Archer grow up! You are an amazing writer! xoxo

Stimey | 5:33 PM

Um, yeah. My now-six-year-old dropped the F-word in his 4s preschool class. And my 2-year-old recognizes curse words when I say them and says, "That's a bad word." or, "Don't say that word."

Does that make me even?

Badness Jones | 6:03 AM

Hee! Glad I'm not the only one. Princess is a little older though and tells me "That's not a nice word mommy", and "maybe that guy has to go somewhere and doesn't have anything else to drive but his tractor"....yeah, maybe, but if so he should drive across the fields, dammit, and not on my effing road!

A Mom Two Boys | 8:30 AM

Oh...I wrote about the same thing a few weeks ago. My almost 3 year old's favorite word is "fudk." He uses it totally appropriately whenever there's some sort of problem. Like, Thomas crashes "Oh, fudk" or I drop something in Target "Oh, FUDK!" Of course in Target, it's always loud and repeated.
But, YAY for Archer! Talking is talking, right? Even if it's not words you necessarily want to encourage! :0) I say good for him!

Unknown | 6:48 PM

HeeHee. Dickfarm. OK, seriously can't stop giggling. In our house it's more that the little guy learned how to yell at the dogs (my fault). He says NooO! Down!! And points at them with a mean stink-eye face. Oops. I try to keep the "shut the eff up"s to a minimum when they are barking incessantly at the neighbors. Sigh.

Jaelithe | 2:33 PM

Oh, trust me. He will not be the only child at preschool cursing like a sailor. I remember my little brother picked up "motherfucker" from the kid next door when he was four. (And the kid next door was also four.)

I just tell my kid, "It's not polite to say that in public." And then I try to follow my own advice. Hah.

Jaelithe | 2:40 PM

P.S. Archer looks so much like his dad in that top photo. Looks like he really IS yours, Hal :P

Anonymous | 2:47 PM

My son's preschool teacher once cornered me and asked in a hushed voice if my husband's friends might, perchance, use bad language around our son. She knew my husband was a quiet, mild gentleman who would never permit an obscenity to cross his lips. Therefore his mysterious "friends" were the culprits who had taught the boy to snap "douchebag!" when another kid bogarted the sand table.
I should have taken advantage of her innocence and blamed it all on the nonexistent potty-mouthed friends.
Instead i confessed. "It's me. I say douchebag a lot when I'm driving."
Her disappointed expression spoke volumes. I was unmasked as a sleeze disguised as a Nice Mommy.

Anonymous | 8:27 PM

i love dickfarm almost as much as asshat. i make up some interesting ones when i drive, too. i stopped, but not soon enough. i knew the day my dear sweet baby asked me if he (other driver) "...pulled his head out yet." at least i was quiet enough for her not to know my theory on where i thought his head might be.

Anonymous | 8:52 PM

Love your writing, can't wait for the book. First time posting, but I had to tell you that you are not alone in your potty mouth, trash talkin' ways. My twins are 3.5 and their fave words right now are "God Dammit" and Fuckit! Is it wrong that I'm proud when they use them in context?

I keep telling my daughter not to say GD, especially not at school (church-based preschool) and she says, "I will not say God Dammit at school today, mommy!" YIKES!

Table4Five | 6:57 AM

My two year old daughter dropped something the other day and said "Shit!", except it was more like Dit. But I knew what she meant. And at traffic lights? When the light turns green and the cars don't start moving? She has picked up on my cues and now yells "Go Go GO!" except it's more like "Doe Doe DOE!". That's my girl.

Oh, and that top photo of Archer? Holy cow, when did he become a BOY? What happened to your baby? Sniff!

Kat | 12:57 PM

I will never forget one day when my mother was driving me to high school after missing the bus. My 3 year old baby brother was in the backseat (second marriage) and he yelled "Shit!" My mother looked at me with such disappointment in her eyes - thinking I taught him that word...only I never used that word...shit was *her* curse word!

Times changed after that.


Unknown | 8:08 PM

I knew I would I love my friend Vanessa when her 18 month tripped over a stick and said SHIT. I about lost it.

It isn't appropriate in polite society, but I think it is funny when little kids cuss. My daughter (almost 2) repeats me often. I try to remember, but I don't always. I just hope it is something like fuck or shit not cunt that she repeats.

I also figure, if other people look down on me, it is only because my kid is cooler than theirs. (this excuse works for a lot of things)