and then they laughed themselves to sleep and I wrote this post

This whole house-hunting, wanting-to-move thing is consuming me. It’s consuming all of us as, as evidenced by the amount of times I’ve blogged about it these last few weeks and I apologize.

But here’s the thing I’ve realized in my short time here on earth: focusing on the things you can control are great distractions from the things you can’t.

The last year I've spent in professional retrograde - busting my ass behind the scenes of these blogs pursuing things that I have yet to really write about here. Because what is there to say? A lot of maybes. Maybe nots. Question marks. Close calls. High hopes. Low mopes. Et al.

But most of all, a lot of writing. A lot of writing about women who are a lot more interesting than I am, children who belong to me in different ways - stories I want desperately to come true.

I’m sharing this with you because over and over I’ve been asked where I’ve been and why I’m not writing as much as I used to, and I feel like I owe you an explanation.

The last several months have included a string of panic attacks. Posts written that I have decided not to post at the last minute out of fear:
1. Because I’ve opened myself up to strangers and as of late have had to deal with the repercussions.
2. Because some days? I want to just live my life without feeling obligated to write about every. fucking. thing. FUCK.
3. Because too often I have asked myself, “is this worth it?” and then answered, “no.”

... ... ...
We’ve been in our house for as long as I started this blog. (I was blogging elsewhere for three years before starting GGC.) Four years is a long time to be in a small space with a growing family but it wasn't until recently that I started feeling antsy.

It started when Fable was born and escalated dramatically when Fable moved out of our room and into her brother’s and we all lost sleep.

When Fable wasn’t waking Archer up in the middle of the night? Archer was waking up Fable until we were all awake, exhausted, frustrated, unhappy, tripping over sharp objects in dark halls during wee hours.

“We need to find a bigger house,” I said to Hal. “We’ve outgrown this one.”

So we started looking. To buy. To rent. To whatever.

We saw our first place, yesterday.

Looking for a new house has held larger meaning for me these last few months as I pursue new stories not my own - making meetings, deleting drafts, trying to define high-concept in three acts and five acts and eight acts and ninety-five versions of the same story later...
"Thanks so much for your time. I look forward to hearing back from you at your earliest convenience."
So I refresh craigslist instead of waiting by the phone. Because I can control a cursor and a mouse. Because that was always the beauty of writing online. Of being online.

Still is.

... ... ...

Last night I put the kids to bed, kissed them both goodnight and left the room. Fable whimpered as she often does when I leave her and then...

“You need to learn how to sleep, Fabes. Here. I’ll teach you. First? Put your head on the pillow like this and then you close your eyes and then you sleep, like this, see?”

Silence.

“See Fablela?”

Silence.

“Are you sleeping?”

And then... laughter. First hers and then his until both Archer and Fable were laughing hysterically in the darkness. I couldn’t see, outside the door was I, but hearing them make each other laugh was like a remote control falling ninety-five stories onto my head.

...Bonk.

I paused, waited for their laughter to subside into silence. Then I turned around.

"If they didn't share a room they wouldn't be able to make each other laugh in the dark," I said to Hal. "Fuck a good night's sleep when there are moments like that."

Hal agreed.

"I need to chill out."

Hal agreed.

I stopped refreshing craigslist. Swept the floor. Made the bed... watched the children sleep.

Content. Safe. Sweet dreams.
... ... ...

Today, after dropping Archer off at school, I came to the coffee shop to write as I do three mornings a week. I took a swig of my latte, opened up my computer to resume work on a script and wrote this post instead.

It was the first time in a long time that I wanted to blog. That I really, truly wanted to share in a non-obligatory way.

Because last night I had an epiphany that gave me permission to slow down. Because, contrary to all the ways I've been pushing myself this past year, the spinning of wheels with vibrating wings, I stopped still and was happy. And now, as I write this post I am reminded of why I started this blog in the first place: so I could work my shit out.

... ... ...

It's clear to me now that we don’t need to move tomorrow. Or even next month.

Because the children are happy sharing a room. And most of the time I'm happy writing about my life, talking about my experiences.

Of course it isn't all awesome all the time. (Nothing is.)

Of course there will be nights when the kids wake each other up and none of us get any sleep. Just like there will be days when I’m tired and scared of sharing – sick of the sight of “I” and “me” on my Blogger and Movable type templates. Stagnated in my own hypothetical puke and predictability.

But...
1. I'm lucky.
2. We're lucky.
3. All of the above.
The truth is, changing homes and jobs isn't going to answer all of life's questions. I've realized dreams before only to wake up the next morning and feel just as defeated. It never goes away - the drive - the need to move forward- to change - to want to make your family, friends (even strangers) proud.

At least, it never has for me.

But I have to remind myself that fulfillment comes in all forms. Perhaps, then, it will be my finest life achievement to learn to be happy with what I have. To be ambitious, sure, but also to be content, here. In this moment - buzzed on caffeine and realizations.

I'm happy where I am. I recognize that today. I recognized that the moment I sat down to work on a script and wrote a blog entry instead. I recognized that last night when we went to see the perfect house and I didn’t feel at home.

One day our family will move and I will move on. Pull my life and my kids from the infinity of the Internet, label large cardboard boxes with a sharpie and move into our dream house, but for now? I must recognize the importance of sharing. For my children on the nights they laugh each other to sleep. For myself on days like today when with all my heart I want to share my life with you.

GGC

95 comments:

Abby Johns | 1:26 AM

You know, your post really hit home with me.

Last month I thought I might be pregnant, so naturally, I started to freak out. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment. Our daughter is 11 months old. We would have to move into her tiny room so that the two kids could share our big room. There just wouldn't be enough room. I breathed a sigh of relief when I found out I wasn't pregnant.

Then you know what happened?

I decided the next week that I missed being pregnant. That I missed having a small baby that depended on me. That I was ready whenever he was.

We came to different realizations, you and me, but the lesson is still the same I think.

Life is just fine how it is. Whether it is staying the same or it is changing.

Thank you for sharing with "us", and I understand when you don't always want to.

Hanasu | 1:44 AM

I know I don't know you, but your writing is powerful enough to make me happy, sad, empathetic, and even jealous sometimes. I thank you for wanting to share your life with me. Thanks.

Cat | 1:50 AM

Seriously, we are, I am, incredibly blessed to have you share your life with us. You put words to emotions I didn't know I had until I read them. So not enough to say, "thank you" but really, truly, from the bottom of my flawed soul, thank you for all that you give. Xo

Bea | 1:58 AM

Totally with you here -I've been very happy blogging over the last couple of weeks while working hard at other 'projects', but then woke up in a bit of a dark spot today. Not so interested in sharing, and not so interested in blogging about anything else.

Glad to hear you've come to terms and happiness with what you have toda - long may it continue!

Mads | 2:05 AM

A good post, as always. I've actually never commented on your blog before. But I stumbled across it and read Every. Single. Entry...Then I bought your book. Which was also amazing.

Uh, without wanting to sound like a creepy stalker chick (because I'm afraid that's how I sound)- my point is simply that I read your work voraciously because you write really well. And people only write really well when they want to write, you know?
Otherwise it's all just...technically and carefully constructed uses of writing conventions that don't really make me stop and think, or smile at the image that settles in my head from the way you write.

Anyhow, I only want to read if you want to write. And I'll keep reading as long as you're writing. I hope you do keep it up. But I'm also glad you realised that just because you run a wildly brilliant blog...Doesn't mean it has to run you.

And for the record, I wouldn't be freaking about putting all your personal shit out in cyber space. (Unless it's your address and phone number-then you're screwed.)

I wouldn't think that you had anything but pride to feel that your words are immortalised in the 'ol WWW.

:)

Mads | 2:06 AM

A good post, as always. I've actually never commented on your blog before. But I stumbled across it and read Every. Single. Entry...Then I bought your book. Which was also amazing.

Uh, without wanting to sound like a creepy stalker chick (because I'm afraid that's how I sound)- my point is simply that I read your work voraciously because you write really well. And people only write really well when they want to write, you know?
Otherwise it's all just...technically and carefully constructed uses of writing conventions that don't really make me stop and think, or smile at the image that settles in my head from the way you write.

Anyhow, I only want to read if you want to write. And I'll keep reading as long as you're writing. I hope you do keep it up. But I'm also glad you realised that just because you run a wildly brilliant blog...Doesn't mean it has to run you.

And for the record, I wouldn't be freaking about putting all your personal shit out in cyber space. (Unless it's your address and phone number-then you're screwed.)

I wouldn't think that you had anything but pride to feel that your words are immortalised in the 'ol WWW.

:)

Girl | 2:06 AM

I don't know you personally but you inspire me so much. I love your writing, I love your perspectives, and I am about to become a mom for the first time. I look to you as a woman who embraced motherhood even though it blindsided you. Thank you for your shining example of gratitude through adversity.

Peta | 2:14 AM

I only just found your blog a few days ago and I have become lost in it many a time since. I'm not a mother, but your writing has struck a chord and moved me more than I can say. So thank you for the sharing, as exhausting as it may be at times. Until the day comes that do decide you pack up and move on, your posts will be appreciated however frequently (or infrequently) delivered.

Annabel | 2:42 AM

My brother and I shared a room until I was about 7/8, even though we had an extra room. I think it made us close in that sibling way - we're very different, and would probably never be friends, but love each other - I remember the bedtime jokes and giggles, and my mama reading us both stories at the same time.
Keep sharing as long as you want to - we love it.

Mom101 | 3:50 AM

There will be so many more moments of the kids sharing jokes in the dark you'll never understand, playing quiet games, singing each other to sleep. Every time I think I'm so horrible for cramming my two in one teeny room I realize how much they love it. Especially the night they fell asleep holding hands, Thalia in her little bed, Sage on the mattress right next to her on the floor.

You can move tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next month. But try to enjoy today.

Nicola Proctor | 3:57 AM

Aw... much love to you, girlfran. It stinks when you get into a funk like that and I'm glad that you are on your way out of it. I hope you know how inspirational you are to me -- to all of us.

I moved across an ocean to live in a place where I don't know very many people. My life is my husband and 4 year old and our new baby. There are some defifinite parallels between our family and your own and more often than not, your sharing about your kids, your life, your days, helps me to feel like I have a like-minded 'friend' out there who makes me laugh/cry usually when I need it most. I'm lucky, too.

susie | 4:01 AM

Lovely.

Michelle | 4:52 AM

Well said. It is difficult to be content with what you have and not always want more. Being highly motivated is not a bad thing as long as you are appreciative along the way. Write your blog for yourself and you will never regret it! The rest will come if you are true to yourself.

Hiker - Kelly B | 4:58 AM

This blog entry makes me even more convinced that my husband and I should do the opposite, as I have been longing to pare down our space for a simpler existence. If we decide to have a second child, it WILL be okay for them to share a room. Thanks for sharing!

Heather | 5:08 AM

this was just a fabulous and touching post, I really really enjoyed it, I am a first time mom and hope to also have a girl one day, and I will probably get to experience these same wonderful things :)

Erin, Nick and Merrick | 5:22 AM

Beautiful.
Those moments are amazing, when your children bring you back down to reality- show you what is truely important.

Elena from Greece | 5:50 AM

touching...

robyn | 5:57 AM

Thank you for sharing, Rebecca. Really, truly.

Sarah | 6:03 AM

I'm so jealous. I wish I had your life.

I live in my dream home. All 4000 sq feet of it. I have 2.5 kids (one on the way), and a dog. We have a large back yard, apple trees, and 2 vehicles. My husband is a very successful lawyer.

Every morning I drop my children at school and come home and sit in my house. Alone. I sit and I wait until I pick my children up again.

I wish I had a tiny space where we would all be together at one time. Where I could hear laughter and conversation.

Instead, my walls echo.

I am so envious of your space. I read your blog everyday and wish it was me hearing the laughter, arguing with my husband (who I seldom see), writing about family (who we never see).

Your blog inspires me.

Emily | 6:08 AM

I needed this today. To hear these words. To slow down. So, thanks.

Kendra | 6:11 AM

Learning to be happy with what you have is the hardest thing in the world. It's so easy to keep trying to find the thing that will make you as happy as the people in the antidepressant commercials, and I'm definitely guilty of that. But I, too, find that my moments of greatest satisfaction and joy come not when I've made some major change but when I've embraced what I have. I'm glad that you actually wrote because you wanted to; I hope that all your projects go well and, mostly, that they continue to be the things you want to do. And that your whole family--and mine--can laugh itself to sleep.

Amy, Bryan and Zoey | 6:30 AM

Awwww. What a sweet post! I can so relate to the concept of uber-controlling some aspects of life just when most other things are feeling so out of control. And I love the days when my daughter reminds me (without even knowing it) how important it is to be present in the moment with her. Kids rock.

Marie | 6:38 AM

Thank you for posting this. I'm 23 and moving 3,000 miles away to San Fransisco in less than 3 months, and your post brought comfort to a control freak in the midst of a major, partially unplannable life change.

For the first time in weeks, I feel unconsumed. Thanks for putting into words all the feelings I've been having over the last month.

theparakeet | 6:45 AM

Thank you!
I have also worked myself into a full-blown panic/depression this year.
I also blog.
I also need to give myself permission to chill and be happy. I'm not with you yet, but I love so much that you are there.
And that you shared.
Thank you!

ailen | 6:46 AM

I really enjoyed reading this post. You know, my brother and I shared a room for years and years because my parents couldn't afford a bigger place...looking back, I'm really glad we did. We shared a lot of laughs, but also had wonderful conversations. Today, we are incredibly close. I just had a son, and I think that, even though there's enough room in my house, if he ever has a sibling, I'll have them share a space for a while.

mommymae | 6:55 AM

my girls still laugh themselves to sleep some nights. it can be frustrating when it's 10pm & they have to get up for school at 6am. thanks for reminding me that they'll only have this once...or at least until one of them says, "moooooommmmm! i want my own room!"

hayley | 7:04 AM

Hey Rebecca - I'm guessing that if you can't write (and I don't mean necessarily just on this blog) you can't survive. (As a writer, that's at least how I feel.) Your blog gives lots of happiness to a lot of people - but no one's happy if mama's not happy. For the record, I love when you share, and thank you so much for sharing (over, and over, and over...), but very, very much understand your need not to share sometimes too. (And 95 versions? Oy!)

anna | 7:18 AM

Me and my two sisters shared a small room until I was eleven. Then I got my own room, but my sisters shared all the way through until the next one went to uni at 18 (and they still share when they're back in the house!) They are both more social than me and I wonder if that's part of the reason why...

But mostly, it was so much fun to share a room! We could play that game where you had to go from one side of the room to the other without touching the carpet (because the carpet was sharks). At night we used to play pretend whilst we were in bed. We each had a wall to stick our postcards, and later, posters, on. And then there were BUNKBEDS. I'm sure we're all so certain on our feet because we used to leap off bunkbeds and onto stools and try and balance in doorways.

Sorry for the overshare, I just remembered all of this reading your post!

eefpeef | 7:22 AM

Pretty much exactly what I go through every other week. It comes in cycles.... and then I remember that it is indeed all about contentment. And that change doesn´t equal happiness or improvement. I wonder if I´ll ever learn to be content with the here & now. So much is wasted by always wanting the other & elsewhere.
P.S. I, too, experienced post-partum euphoria. It lasted for about one whole year and did drive other mothers a little crazy. Actually, it started when I conceived & didn´t stop until Ari´s toddlerhood set it. Made me want to be pregnant forever. (and I am....expecting in December). I am the best version of myself when I am pregnant.

Caitlin | 7:24 AM

THANK YOU for opening the windows into your life. To extend the metaphor: everyone needs to shut the curtains sometimes.

Our lives can be filled with somedays, and we forget to focus on the Right Nows, appreciating what we have in the moment.

Thanks for sharing, Rebecca

SuZ | 7:25 AM

It's a powerful thing to realize this... and as writers, bloggers and especially mothers we have moments where we can't stand to put pen to paper. But moments like this come along and we remember and it's a great feeling.

Glad you found yours. :)

Anonymous | 7:32 AM

That right there is wisdom beyond your years....

Kate | 7:34 AM

Thanks - don't know how you write about your life and your family as you do. Wouldn't blame you for stopping at any moment. But - without feeling any guilt of stopping or responsibility to continue to we who read your words - know that people are blessed, challenged and changed by your prose. Just reread these comments.

Aidan Donnelley Rowley | 7:37 AM

"focusing on the things you can control are great distractions from the things you can’t."

Love this. So true. Because there is a ubiquity of things we can't control. There will always be spinning wheels and vibrating wings as long as we are human.

Thank you for your rawness, honesty, humility and truth. I'm a relative rookie in this world, but your words are keepers.

Thanks.

pamela | 8:37 AM

keep on keepin' on! you are wonderful. and i so appreciate your talent as a writer. your honesty. your creativity. your love. and the fact that you admit that life isn't always easy for you. it makes us all connect. we feel your pain, because we live it to. don't stop with the "I"s because when you say "I" i say "ME TOO!"

Megan | 8:46 AM

Beautifully written, as always.

(Also, I just ordered Rockabye, and I cannot wait to read it!)

Anonymous | 9:03 AM

Dude. Have you seen this place? Check out the windows!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/apa/1407471394.html

mamabird | 9:18 AM

Your unique voice puts universal truths into a story that speaks to people and helps me feel that, despite how hard some things are, I am not the only one out there who has encountered it. Your writing is some of the most honest and beautiful that I have found. Thank you.

Gillian | 9:25 AM

I have a three year old girl and a seven year old boy who have never shared a room until this summer when they asked to. Like you, I get frustrated at times but we've stuck to it because they love it. And the love EACHOTHER. And so many books and cartoon and friends out there in the world don't seem to honestly love their siblings, to WANT to be with them.

I've loved reading your blog for two years now and am always astounded when people make rude comments. It is a joy to read as much or as little as you will write and anyone who thinks otherwise should bugger off!

Jasie VanGesen | 9:27 AM

I'm a person who is so often fixated completely on the future and the big picture and the what-ifs that I totally lose sight of the RIGHT NOW. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. We're on the verge of moving out of our tiny two bedroom apartment into a modest 3 bedroom house and I'm alternating between full blown freak out, sadness, elation, and just generally being confused by my own thoughts and reactions.

Mo | 9:42 AM

God, the highs are so good...even when you are realistic enough to know the high will not last. I have to remember to back down from the mania like this, too- to know that the "revelation moments" will come again...and again... if I let them...and are so much more important than all of the anger and angst.

I really felt this post. Thank you.

Mama Cas | 10:23 AM

Trust me, they will benefit enormously from sharing a room. Yes, it will suck sometimes, but I feel deep down that it's a very healthy thing for kids to share a room. My 2 boys are in one room and my 2 girls are in another room. I consider us to be lucky...we don't have enough money to move to a bigger house, so we are learning how to make due with what we have. Down the line, my kids will be better off for having learned that life skill. Enjoy their laughter for now. You can move any time you want.

Baby in Broad | 10:29 AM

This did it for me: "I've realized dreams before only to wake up the next morning and feel just as defeated."

It's absolutely true. I've had that experience so many times, and yet, today I'm in the process of crowding my head with "if only"s. Why is it so hard to remember that now is really good, too?

em | 10:38 AM

This rings so true. I keep pinning my hopes on a maybe, putting off happiness until we move, until I finish school, until we get Jane into a freakin preschool. But you are right, a change of living or working situation does not fix the problem. I am searching for contentment in the mundane and learning to enjoy where we are and more importantly who we are. Ahem, it does also help that there have been NO good listing on Craigslist lately.

Glenda | 10:49 AM

Your writing is so real...and when I'm done reading I always say "uh huh!!" Enjoy the moments...every moment... your time to move into your dream house will come... sooner than later I'm sure...but home is your family... the love...the laughter...the tears...what you make out of it... enjoy every minute of every day... the good and the bad... it just makes you a stronger woman...a stronger mother... thanks for sharing your life with US... your kids are beautiful!

dana | 10:52 AM

I recently started writing again and it's made me feel more human. More alive. But I didn't realize until today that it's also helping me "work my shit out," as you say. It's the best gift I've given myself in a long time.

Carlee Ross | 11:01 AM

I totally understand feeling cramped and we don't even have 2 kids living with us full time. my step-son is over every other weekend and we only have a 2 bedroom. We've never had issues with them sleeping in the same room, she slept in our room until about 6 months. But we've also had nights where Hunter will try to calm Lily down, he says, lily, lily, I'm right here its ok you can go to sleep. It's such a blessing and they've loved sharing a room.
I've just recently found your blog, and I love your writing.

stefiny | 11:04 AM

Hi Rebecca,
(Long time reader, first time commenter!)

I grew up with a younger brother and we shared a room for his first 6 years, even though all that time there was a guest room right next door.
I was excited to move into the guest room when I was about 9 years old and turn it into my own room, but looking back - and I didn't really realise it until having just read your post - probably a HUGE part of my brother's and my current friendship is because we shared a room. We shared life in that way for a lot of years.
We still have often laugh at some of our 'shared room' antics! I'm sure our giggling drove my parents nuts at times... but, like you, they were probably also smiling to themselves.

Thank you for this post, and I'm happy for you that your children are getting to share their time together in this special way :)

Amanda | 11:21 AM

Thank you! needed this reminder.

Ray | 11:38 AM

Wow, Rebecca. Beautiful, beautiful entry with such raw honesty. Thank for you continuing to right even though sometimes you just don't feel like it. Your writing brings with it such hope and appreciation and I hope you never stop. Only write when YOU feel like it and not when you feel OBLIGATED to do so.

How beautiful was it for you to overhear your children laughing with each other in the darkness, and for you to realize that your home is perfect the way it is. I guess sometimes we need to be reminded of what we have. I hope that one day though, you do find your dream home. <3

Restless Mama | 11:40 AM

I needed to read this today. I've been struggling with the decision of moving my son and I from Boston to Hawai'i since we moved here. Sure this island is beautiful and has beautiful people on it with beautiful souls but I just haven't been enjoying that. The moment. This island.
I think I'll get right on it and just live my life and enjoy what is in front of us.
Thank you.

Armonia | 11:43 AM

I have never read a blog before i had my child, during my first month with her and my impending PPD, your blog and one other became my therapy, i was glad to see that I was not alone and to see other mother's "true" life made mine easier to do, so I THANK YOU for that Rebecca, besides I love how you write, I bought your book and thought it was great. I understand how you feel but I wanted to tell you many thank yous, where I'm from, mother who complain of tell it like it is are seen as bad mothers or flakes, so I could really talk to anybody but my mom. So having your blog to look foward was great. I hope you continue to write and I look foward to any script, movie or book you write for me to read or see, I will send always positive energy towards you, so you have great success!!
your fan from TJ.
also, if you like natural remedies you can try Ashwaganda, its amazing with stress, dont worry i'm a M.D. and work at sanoviv.com just in case you want to know what its about

Anonymous | 11:55 AM

Love it--loved the post, love your writing, love your insights. Love the way you can knock yourself down and pick yourself back up. It's a pleasure to be along for the ride.

Sy | 12:57 PM

Wow.This is a beautiful post. It's great to know that you don't have to have something in common with a writer to get the message from them. I don't have children, I don't own a home but I feel the same frustrations and little things are sometimes the only things that can bring me back

Kim | 1:01 PM

What a beautiful post. I have been having the same small epiphanies lately - my boyfriend just moved into my 650 sq foot 1-bedroom apartment, and before he even moved in, we talked about wanting a bigger place. A better place. Our dream place.

It's been just over a month, and though a large portion of our stuff sits in storage in the garage, it's working out just fine. Sure, we'd like a bigger kitchen. Sure, we want to be in a different neighborhood. But for now? Well, for now we've got it pretty good. And it feels nice to step back, take a big breath, and realize how good things can be if you just let them.

Cláudia | 1:07 PM

Thank you

Laura | 1:10 PM

It's such a cliche that I am embarrassed to say it but it's true so I'll say it anyway: the joy is in the journey. I often think that as soon as I accomplish this goal or complete that project that I will be happy, but that just isn't true. There's always something else to do, somewhere better to live, another, bigger project to tackle, and so any accomplishment - while it is of course worth being proud of - can't lead to fulfillment. It is the everyday stuff that does that. Enjoying the process - whether it is writing or whatever - leads to that kind of satisfaction. Thanking you for this great reminder.

BookishPenguin | 1:48 PM

I read this post three times because it was just that awesome. This post has a feeling to it that some of your posts haven't had in a while. We all need to "get off the grid" sometimes and take our lives back from the online crush. But if you're a writer, then you still need to write, in whatever form, and I'm glad to see your voice is as strong as ever.

Whatever you're working on, I can't wait to read it/see it one day.

mrs.notouching | 2:13 PM

You are amazing. And I love you and your work. I know I've said it before, but you keep getting better and better. Like a good wine.
Now, stop reading comments and write another post - I will be refreshing this page in a few minutes.

Sharnanigans | 4:12 PM

true - like a good wine! don't stop sharing with us. It is inspiring!

Anonymous | 4:58 PM

This post was lovely. You are a beautiful writer, and a wonderful mom.

Maternal Mirth | 5:00 PM

I feel ya sista... the blog has been more ugh and less aahhh for a while. Hopefully you're moment to WANT to blog is contagious because, meh, I need it.

BOTTOM LINE: Well put, my dear.

Margie | 5:58 PM

What a great post. We live in a very small 2 bedroom terrace house with a 15 month old who basically lives in he storage room (bikes, vaccum cleaner etc). I have been complaining that we need something bigger etc,
Then I saw this episode of Australian Story and I just shut the hell up.
http://www.abc.net.au/austory/specials/herbeauty/default.htm
Her Beauty and Her Terror.

At the end of the episode the girl says, it's not about what you have but who you have around you. So true.

Megan | 5:59 PM

I had to laugh at your exchange with Hal about needing to relax. It's like SO many exchanges between me and my husband. I guess you can say I'm a little highly strung.

I can't exactly relate to your feelings on sharing your life just yet. I'm a new mom and new blogger. Right now, I'm loving sharing my life, and I only wish I had more readers to share with. However, I can definitely see why you'd feel like that, and I'm sure everyone who writes about their life feels that way.

This was a great post. My favorite in a while. I hate where I live, hate my house, and I needed to be reminded to stop and appreciate how beautiful my life with my husband and daughter really is.

Thanks.

Brittany at Mommy Words | 6:03 PM

Wow I needed this today too. I have missed reading you but like many, that is because I love what you write and I feel a connection to the stories you tell! My kids sleep in rooms next to each other and still make each other luagh by repeating strange noises (loudly obviously) back and forth and then giggling for minutes at a time. If I say anything they laugh at me. It is precious. Sophia is 3 and Miles is 18 months. Sophia will share a room when her new baby siter is born in January and I am sure that as soon as he can make her giggle, she will.

Laughter is a lovely thing. Closeness, while sometimes overwhelming, is a blessing. I was so gald to get my kids out of my room a little before a year old each and now there are many nights that I want them back. Every once in awhile when my hubby is away we have a cuddle night and all sleep in my bed...the laughter and the love goes on and on!

I had a tough day and was forgeting how lucky I am. Thank you.

Leslie | 6:14 PM

Oh, the adorableness. I love that she pretended to be asleep, and then just started cracking up. HILARIOUS. They love each other soooo much, which is great. I love hearing about them.

It reminds me of my cousin's twins, who spend awhile before going to sleep chattering away in their room (they are two).

Sarcastica | 6:36 PM

This post hits home.

We all need reminders to slow down and relax, and children do that reminding in the sweetest, most perfect ways.

Anonymous | 7:19 PM

Like all the others before me, just have to say how much your posts touch me. Your real and raw honestly is so refreshing!

Morgan | 7:42 PM

When I was 6 months pregnant we moved out of our tiny 1920's midtown cottage. We were certain we would have drowned in swings & swaddles. Eight months later The extra space has been put to good use, but I miss that little house more than I ever knew I would. I still drive by when I'm in the area. Saddest part... I always feel like I'm going "home"... I don't feel that way about my new larger house.

spicylikeginger | 10:42 PM

Right on, Rebecca. Right on!! I too, will keep on reading as long as you are writing. And if another project comes up with your name on it - be a TV show, a play, or another book... I'm gonna want to see it or read it.

Rachael | 12:20 AM

What a fabulous, beautiful post. It is nice to hear this voice from you again, and really? There's not much better in this world than giggling siblings.

Anonymous | 12:47 AM

you took the words right out of my mouth. it's comforting to know that i'm not the only one thinking and living this way.

keep it real sister.

Candice | 8:55 AM

I needed this. Thank you.

We let, no make that, insisted that a friend move into our home after his wife left him. He brought his dog- we have a dog. It has been, to say the least, incredibly frustrating. But I'm realizing that I'm more frustrated b/c I'm not in control. I am a control freak- which I never realized before.

This post made me realize the reason we asked him to move in. To love him, to show him compassion in his time of need... He needs us- and now I understand- I needed him (not him but the situation) to show me to slow down and just breathe.

Thanks again Rebecca.

P.S. You're writing is awesome and I come here to read passionate writing. And sure I'm a little bummed when there isn't something posted right away, but you have to do what is best for you. The best writing comes naturally- not contrived.

Go Erin Go | 9:31 AM

Isn't it wondeful how our children make us pause and realize what's really imporatant?

jnet liangster | 10:54 AM

from a stranger, from the outside...you have a beautiful life with unbelievably beautiful children.

Mamacita | 11:59 AM

What a beautiful post, Rebecca. My husband and I are in a similar boat, and we were just saying, isn't it funny how our society has deemed children having their own rooms as an absolute necessity? My husband and his sister shared a room until his parents could afford an addition on their home, and my brothers shared a room until high school. My parents, each 1 of 7, lived in 3 BR homes where one of the bedrooms went to Mom and Dad. When I think about sharing a room with three other people as a child, it seems crazy. Then I remember, as a little girl, I used to sneak into my brothers' room at night and we'd stay up late laughing and talking. We read books, told stories, played board games- all at a hushed whisper so our parents wouldn't hear. Every year when we are all home for Christmas we spend the night together on Christmas Eve, all in the same room, reminiscing about the years when it was a regular occurrence. I am so close with my brothers, despite our 8/5 years age difference, and I think a lot of our closeness is due to late night bonding. Humans crave interaction, sharing a room can be a wonderful thing. I think your post says it all, not just about children, but about adults as well.

andrea | 12:45 PM

thanks!

Nicole | 1:32 PM

Wow. Insightful, thoughtful, hopeful. Thank you.

Miz Kizzle | 2:29 PM

You'll find your dream house soon, I know it.
My kids have their own rooms, thank heavens. Sleep is very, very precious to me. Without it I turn into an evil, shrieking hag.
One summer before my third child was born we rented a cottage on Lake Placid, N.Y. My sons shared a dorm-style sleeping loft above our bedroom. They could look down and wave to my husband and me in our bed. Despite pleas and commands that they go to sleep RIGHT NOW they were up and playing, giggling, tossing stuffed animals onto our bed and in general making me barking mad.
I finally had enough and I yelled that the next stuffed animal that hit me in the head was going to be THROWN IN THE LAKE and then I was going to run away and live with the porcupines. Forever. And somebody else could make their French toast and wash their clothes.
There were gasps of horror at the idea of Barney and Elmo being drowned followed by giggles at the thought of mom going to live with the porcupines.
It cracked me up to. Ever since then one of us is about to lose our shit we threaten to go live with the porcupines.

whitney | 7:42 PM

such a huge accomplishment to be content, even happy in the now. good work woman.

Lauren | 7:33 AM

If/When you do stop this blog - can you do us all a favor and once a year post a photo update of the kids? They are such stunners already!

Tiara Faith | 7:50 AM

Found you through pocoyayo - love everything about your blog. You are so honest and whether you see it or not - your writing brings you to such amazing resolution. Keep blogging! I just found you and it would suck if you stopped. Oh... and what stunning babies!

Calligraphy Girl | 10:33 PM

Loved this.
My little ones (almost 4 and almost 2) share a room...and for the longest time I was eager to expand and give them their own rooms. The longer they share, the more they will be heartbroken to be separated.
I think it occurred to me about 3 months ago: "why do I want them to have separate rooms? They love playing at night and making one another laugh. I loved sharing a room with MY sister!" I realized I wanted them to have their own rooms so my lil girl could have a more girlie room with more space and our lil boy could have a room just for him. But who cares? They have never said that. Perhaps we just need a shed or less BIG toys taking up space. They have gotten so close by sharing a room and my son always wants his baby sister with him (unless of course she is touching his Star Wars toys).
Sure, at some point we will expand. But doubtful our little ones will sleep separately for a while.

Marcella | 3:32 PM

I realize how nerve-wracking it must be sometimes to have all of this on the internet... but truth is, sometimes you've saved me from a LOT of worry, and I'm sure others could vouch for this as well.

I've read many a blog post from you and afterwards thought 'thank God I'm not the only one!'. You write on an level where it's easy for people to relate to you, but in a way where you're still separate from the rest. You're one of the brightest stars I've even seen in the vast galaxy of mommyblogs.

I'm not going to ask you to never stop writing, because eventually, everyone is going to. But I do hope you don't stop anytime soon because I feel... human when I read your posts.

Thank you for sharing so much with us all. Hugs to you and your beautiful family. xox.

Anonymous | 6:49 PM

re: violence-avoidance and child-rearing: are you going to keep archer from playing chess? those knigts don't dress up and act like that for a walk in the park, after all.

Meemo | 1:14 AM

I'm a lurker who you've been entertaining for years with your wonderful stories. Thank you for always coming back.

Anonymous | 7:18 AM

You need to write another book!!

Just about stuff like this!!

You are inspiring, so real, so true...the world would be so much better if there were more like you in it.

I feel sad for all the women who have been unkind to you as you entered the mothering world. Look what they missed out on.

Anonymous | 7:24 AM

and can I tell you that when you do pack up your boxes and move out of this home? that you will cry such tears that it'll shock you, with the depth of the pain of leaving the house that you brought your babies home to.

it's very sad.

Anonymous | 7:28 AM

You know, we moved into a house 3 times the size of our first home.

That was 6 years ago. I still feel like driving home to that first house at the end of the day.

That house is my home. I still drive by and just want to pull in and open that door, and have all my little children there. That was home.

What I wish I knew then...makes me cry. I'd give anything to just open that door and be back then, all crowded, full of toys, and just FULL.

Not big (4,000 sq ft) and EMPTY. So empty...

Katie | 6:02 AM

I needed to read this today. I have that constant struggle within me too, and it's refreshing to hear that other Mom's feel the same way. Thank you! Keep writing. I love reading!

Musing | 9:28 AM

My brother and I shared a room until I was 13 and he was 12. Those are the best memories of my childhood. He would tell me stories to help me sleep, we would talk about the day, we would talk about our thoughts. I don't understand sometimes why its so important that everyone get their own room. We are a social creature, and how else do we learn how unless it is with a sibling.

The Mom Claire | 9:53 AM

I did the freak out in July. We needed to move, we HAD to move, I WANTED a house. We started looking and found a great house and signed a lease pruchase. 2 weeks before moving in the "owners" stated that they did not feel like honoring the lease purchase that we signed and wanted us to sign something else with stipulations that we did not agree on. We refused and asked for our money back... here we are 3 months later and in serious debt because we have had to go to court twice because they in fact did not own the home and they tried to sue us for work they did on the home before we ever met them. We are out a ton of money and had to quickly find a house to live in because our condo was already rented and the new tenants were moving in the day we had scheduled to close on the lease purchase.
We can not catch up now.
Granted, this move put our daughter in a fablous school system and we have so much room and a yard but I feel lonley here and we are struggling because all of our savings was lost.
Dont jump on moving. It may not be working to your liking but it is working. Give your son a break some nights and have your daughter sleep with you on a weekend night or let him have a camp out in the living room one night?
Just take you time and find something that is right for your family and use a real estate agent. I know that most people think they are a waste of money but after what we went through, we could have saved ourselves a TON of hassle and the loss of all of that money.
Good luck to you!

Andi | 7:22 PM

I just found your blog today and wasn't going to comment, but then I saw where it says "Use your words" so I just had to.
Thanks for this post.

Marian | 8:06 AM

Just wanted to say that we recently moved our kids from separate bedrooms into the same room for sleeping (turned the other into a playroom)-- we have a newly-six-year-old son and a daughter 3-1/2 years old. We thought they might get a kick out of it so we mentioned the possibility and they immediately said they wanted to try it. It always seemed strange to us, having had both of them sleeping in bed with us from birth for a couple years, that they each went to bed alone in a room. Now, it's so sweet and funny! Almost every night, the little one goes to sleep early & right away, & our son can't really awaken her even if he is noisy. On the few occasions when she didn't go down right away, the two of them giggled and screeched for quite a while and as you said, it is so, so precious. It is really working well for us! So, I just wanted to share in the hopes that maybe it would help to take the edge off for you. Enjoy!!!

Sarah | 1:46 PM

Sweet relief in your words. Such a pleasure to have you share your life with us.