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Twas a little nostalgic last night - birthdays will do that to a girl - so I decided to go through some very old emails from way back when. Bad idea. Very bad. Too many jagged-eyed, stained-sheeted ghosts. Twas a tangle of a mess in my belly and I'm hideous at knots. There are so many things one forgets she has forgotten.

This is why we age, yes? To disguise ourselves from the past and the folks we've left behind. To relearn (like broken records) what love means. To let go the balloons, fill new ones with air, lungs permitting.

Truth = buried memories aren't meant to be shoveled to the surface.

Sometimes I wish I had the balls to = select all + delete.


51. Let Go by: Everest

GGC

14 comments:

messyfunmommylife | 8:59 AM

In the past year just about everything in my life has changed. From my job to where I live to the person I am. Lately, I have been going through and thinking about all of the changes.

Trying to decide what parts of me I am allowed to let go of and what ones have to stay. Making sense of the past with the future and the future with the present.

I dont have the answers. But...I completely understand.

Chantry | 9:01 AM

Oh how I know exactly what you mean... I have a bunch of old love letters from my first love aka the high school boyfriend. And although I always feel a little like throwing up after I read them, I can't force myself to throw them all away. Although I did recently close my eyes, hold my breath, and throw away one letter that would be a bit incriminating should my husband ever stumble upon it. I wish I could just grow a pair and throw them all away so that I could completely move on from the past...

Mrs. Q. | 9:06 AM

Happy Birthday, baby! I turned 40 today, so just go ahead and try to wrap your head around that one; and enjoy! I'm trying very hard not to fixate on what I've done with my years and what I have left to do...

barbara | 9:52 AM

Birthdays get melancholy sometimes. They do for me too. Sending lots of love and birthday wishes.

Boston Mamas | 10:49 AM

First, happy birthday beautiful friend!

Second, it's hard not to go down memory lane. Really hard. But one thing that has helped me enormously in the times I have done that and have felt enormously crappy -- either because of my behavior or what was done to me -- is that I have acknowledged that I did the best that I could as the person I was in that moment. And for those who did poorly by me, I send them forgiveness and peace.

It's hard to do this sometimes, but if you can, it provides immense relief and closure. xoxoxo

Anonymous | 12:00 PM

Happy Birthday!!!

Lovely post.

adhocmom | 12:15 PM

Happy Birthday! I finally was able to delete all kinds of stuff that messed with my head. Such a relief. Gotta make room for other things!

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 12:27 PM

Thanks, all. My birthday is actually Thursday. But appreciate the kind words and love. xo

Christine | 12:29 PM

I read somewhere once that we will remember what we need to remember... but I too have boxes of letters from that guy that broke my heart, and from a friendship that went south.

I almost started writing a journal recently because I was traversing some pretty strong emotions... but decided that I'd probably always want to hide this journal, that it would make me remember things in a sad way, and besides I ain't gonna forget the feelings.

I was heartbroken once when I had to let a friendship go, but it really did allow the insights to emerge. Things change over time and I did come to see not only myself but the other person too... in both positive and negative light.

As Alanis Morissette sings: The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

And Happy Birthday!

Melissa | 1:47 PM

Happy early Birthday,

I'm sort of like you, in that I have about 3,000 emails in my inbox that I am hard pressed to delete. I keep things from the past, memory boxes, old photos, yearbooks, musical posters.... I take it out and look it out sometimes, but more and more infrequently I find. I think it's actually good to do that, it makes you take a good hard look at how far you've come. I don't necessarily toss things because I don't wish to change things. If I weren't that person then, I wouldn't be this person NOW. My daughter wouldn't have been born, and isn't that the point? To show the world to her? That's just my take on it. Take it for what it is worth and have a very happy birthday.

Ray | 3:23 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY REBECCA! =D

"There are so many things one forgets she has forgotten."

So true. I think we forget as a defense mechanism. And remember...Well I don't know why we remember, but that's life I guess. Things sneak up on you when you least expect them to. A reminder of the past for some unknown reason.

"Truth = buried memories aren't meant to be shoveled to the surface."

^^I can agree with this. Though, I still can't help looking back. From time to time.

"Sometimes I wish I had the balls to = select all + delete."

^^And I can relate to that.

I hope you had a good birthday despite looking back. <3 <3 <3

pearls | 3:56 PM

god I love that song, and yes select all - delete would feel soooo.. good. I can't find the balls to do it either. I keep them to remind my self why I shut some doors in the past. I tend to forget, and want to build a bridge back... look back, but always look forward :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Megan | 5:47 PM

Oh gosh, I've been doing the exact same thing lately. Why do we do it to ourselves? Even though the emails are years (and years) old I still feel the same emotions I did when I wrote them. ugh. Like you, I wish I could just delete them all but I can't bring myself to do it.

Anonymous | 7:18 PM

Sigh. Me too.