Liner Whiner Notes 4/23

I'm writing this from a new template Blogger decided to change (over the weekend?) and I'm furious. I'm furious because for the last ten years, the template has looked and felt pretty much exactly the same and now I have to write in a strange land and I'm already completely on edge and this just... threw me over. I had all of these photos I wanted to share from our week and our weekend and Fable breaking her karate board in her princess dress but instead I just want to throw a pity party dot com. Because much like logging into blogger this morning, I am having a hard time figuring out where I belong and we belong and Mercury must be in wtftrograde right now, no? Everything feels very... messy? Or maybe I'm just over playing make-believe and living in a state of Everythingiswonderfulland. 
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I'm pissed. And frustrated. And anxious. A lot of this has to do with our house woes, which, yes, it's just a house and we'll figure out a plan B. (We're already looking into temporary housing for Hal, storage options and potentially making plans to crash with my parents for a few weeks/months this summer.) Still, it's been too overwhelming to think about so I've pushed it all under the rug nonchalantly.

Until this week when the rug sort of... disintegrated.

Not because anything happened per se. The opposite, actually. NOTHING happened. Nothing is happening. And there's nothing any of us can do.

And sure, everything will work out.

It has to work out.

It always works out.

It's just a matter of... stuff happening.

And sometimes stuff happens slowly. Or, in the case of Blogger, overnight. And now I'm trying to talk myself out of this being a sign that I need to change to Squarespace or start writing in word documents or start looking into rental houses... because maybe all of the many signs that seemed to be pointing to YES  were actually signs pointing to something else.

Maybe it was opposite day. And then opposite day after that.

I don't know. I feel lost this morning.

At the doctor last week (I'm fine, by the way. Sinus infection + antibiotics = already feeling much better) I realized I was thirty. I realized I was thirty when I was asked to write down my age and I wrote: thirty.

And then I realized I'm going to be thirty-one in two months. And that my "occupation" isn't something I could answer in "one word" and that I weighed 167 pounds (because that's how much I weigh right now) and all of a sudden I felt defined by this stupid questionnaire and I found myself trying to explain myself in the margins. My job and my body and my lack of sleep... my inability to spell my own name correctly in the first line. Our address being temporary...

Well this is where we live now but not for long and this is what I weigh now but not for long (I keep saying that but the weight is NOT coming off. It just isn't) and professionally, it's kind of a long story and I'm not allergic to anything except bees and once I ate too many cherries and got hives. 

I think I'm just tired

Sleepy tired and also tired of myself.  I used to be a lot more fun.
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I love my babies more than anything but their inability to nap and sleep through the night is taking its toll. I assumed they'd be sleeping through by now but OH NO THEY DI'INT. Oh no they don't. Last night Bo and Revi kept waking each other up and I kept tripping on the same pile of books, half-asleep, running back and forth between them and then to the kitchen to make a bottle that then leaked all over the bed I barely slept in.

One would never know by looking at them that sleep is not their jam and I'm fortunate that they don't ACT tired. It's just me and Hal who are struggling. And sleep deprivation does strange things to people. Remember that movie Insomnia? Yeah.
IMG_2523 (they actually look super tired here, never mind.) IMG_2588 (but not here! IMG_2508 (or here!) IMG_2505 (they don't even sleep in the car. EVER. I snapped this after an hour car ride! Still awake!)
IMG_2511 (their eyes always look like this!) IMG_2510 IMG_2509
The other day I overheard Archer explain to Fable that her best friend should be herself. She was talking about her best friend at school and he was like, "No. She can be your second best friend. But YOU are your first best friend because you have to be able to hang out with yourself forever for your whole life."
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I recognized his words. I knew they came from my mouth first and yet, I listened with my ear against the wind, collecting their sentences so I could replay them and potentially manipulate myself back to normal.

It was just one of those weeks.

Fable's been having night terrors, which I also had at her age. I had them until I was eight, even nine years old. The same dream every night, over and over. It was awful and, naturally, I'm very protective of myself (and my kids) because of them. I don't watch scary movies. I won't let my kids watch them either. It doesn't make a difference, though, it seems. Some of us have fear in us that cannot be helped and it kills me to see that my (happy, seemingly fearless) girl has it too.
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By morning, she had forgotten. I always ask the kids what they dreamt about the night before and Fable always answers the same: "I dreamt about beautiful rainbows."

She can't remember the flailing and the screaming and the kicking of walls. She doesn't remember the dreams or finally waking up from them.

Instead, she makes up a story that makes her feel happy. I used to do the same thing. I guess I still kind of do.
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GGC

106 comments:

kate | 12:11 PM

can I tell you how familiar a lot of this sounds? so familiar. such trying stuff. thankfully this stuff is just like dreams, when you have some good ones, the bad ones become hard to remember.

Angelique | 12:19 PM

Moving and not knowing where you'll be living in the near future is very stressful. So is being sleep deprived. Be gentle to yourself.

Jen | 12:23 PM

Well, you certainly don't LOOK like you weigh 167, not that there's anything wrong with that.
I am fascinated with your blog these days (although I've always liked it). I am currently pregnant with twins and already have a toddler. I am 12 weeks and still cannot wrap my head around this new life that I'm going to lead. I very much appreciate your honesty.

Martha | 12:25 PM

A vacation to live with your Mama is in order, I think! WIshing you speed on your house, and for your babies to sleep. I appreciate your honesty about difficulties. New babies are wonderful and exciting, but they are freaking exhausting (time two for you). Revi's dress is seriously gorgeous, is that a new WWW creation?

Traci | 12:34 PM

I love your blog, I have a 9 month old, if you seriously weight 167 you look utterly amazing...

Ariana | 12:34 PM

I had that happen with blogger, too, and lost it. You can change it back though!! I don't remember how but on either the main screen of blogger or when you're writing a post, somewhere there is a button that says go back to old version. I felt like crying when I found it!

I know you used to weigh less but 167 is just fine. You look super healthy and gorgeous. If I saw you on the street I'd think you were thin.

It's funny, we're going through the EXACT same thing right now with moving but not having a new place. The way you described it- I felt like I was reading my own journal.

Good luck.

Anonymous | 12:35 PM

GMail forced me to change to their new template today and it took me five minutes to find the "Send" button to send an e-mail. I cried. I feel you on the frustration of something changing (in this case technology) that has ALWAYS been a certain way, for so many years, I know how to use it, and then BOOM - a forced change I have no control over, didn't even ask for. Aggravation ensues. Hang in there.

Amber S | 12:38 PM

No sleep is the WORST! Sending good energy your way...I weighed exactly the same yesterday. And cried in yoga when my twin skin popped out of my shirt.

Kayla | 12:39 PM

My rug recently disintegrated too. I feel anxious and frustrated and those feelings are about things that I have little control over. I find myself talking about "rainbows" to try and forget the bad things. Isn't it crazy how alike we all can be? I had a similar experience recently-feeling defined by what I had to write about myself on such a tiny space. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal.

What Archer said to Fable (you said to Archer) about being your own best friend is so beautiful. It's incredibly true. I need to learn to be my own best friend.

I hope the process of things looking up goes super quick!

Anonymous | 12:42 PM

Hang in there lady. Babies+?=sleep. I never, ever figured that one out. All my kids were always awake, while everyone else had the type that would pass out in strollers, standing up or in shopping carts. I was always so jealous of those people but would comfort myself by how alert and curious my kids seemed. It was pretty cold comfort as I looked like I'd been through a war and was impersonating a zombie, but it helped the tiniest bit.
I wish you luck on the home/Esteban-front. Sometimes charming Spaniards take their sweet time committing.

Laura June | 12:50 PM

Sleep deprivation can do messed up things to your mind. I got one full night of sleep over five months and had a breakdown. Thank you for sharing so openly about the woes of parenthood. I wish more people were so open and honest when times are tough.

Amanda Ivanov | 12:56 PM

Being sleep deprived due to child raising leaves all of us in this state of anxiety because you are always keeping yourself in a state of action, though you DESIRE rest desperately. I can only imagine with two babies through the night! I believe writing it out (or yelling it out alone in the shower) makes some of that anxiety disapiate. I do know and know that it is inspiring to hear another woman be honest about how overwhelming the day (or being at odds with our body) can be. I feel right beside you and appreciate not being alone.

CassBuhl | 12:57 PM

Sleep deprivation is THE WORST. Throw in anxieties about job, health, house buying, and taking care of your children and this is just the formula for STRESS!

BUT looking at your kids, you can tell they're happy, content, and loved, and that in spite of everything you're doing a fantastic job.

ps. You gave yourself 18 months, remember? Besides, not to be redundant, but you look totally great at 167.

Elise | 1:02 PM

Wow, you look fantastic. I am currently your exact height and weight and do NOT look supermodel chic.

As for the back-up plans, I'm a big proponent. A back-up to the back-up is my preferred security blanket. Do you have a sense about how long short sales take in your area? The last person I know of who bought in a desirable area waiting 9 months. So maybe the back-up plan should be THE plan and then if things go through you can figure it out from there.

This is not a very karmic solution, but what about just not moving when your lease is up? I know the rental laws where I live make it nearly impossible to evict someone with children. It might take 6 months for the landlords to get a court order.

Jen | 1:09 PM

Gah. I love this post because of its honesty, but mostly because in this weird way, it's what I'm predicting for myself. I'm pregnant with our first baby and am so excited and yet so fearful/confused/ack! about the ways in which it will change me - or change my perception of myself. This post was hard to read, but comforting in a weird way. Thanks. xo

sara | 1:10 PM

It's so hard to be stuck in a situation in which you have no control. When I was renting i would stress out for months before my lease terminated, even if it was too early for places to really be on the market yet. That was with no family to worry about so I can imagine that even if your kiddos were sleeping through the night you wouldn't be given the Esteban scenario. Hopefully you are able to focus a bit on the moment when you're taking these beautiful pictures.

P.S. What baby carrier are you using in that last pic?

Jadzia@Toddlerisms | 1:26 PM

I think we're having the same day.

1. Blogger sucks. I HATE the new control panel, too! New stuff: bad! God, I sound like a toddler.

2. The weight situation doesn't sound so bad for having just had twins. I've got officially 19 pounds to go as of today. (30 down, but it's a big weight loss from four pregnancies, not just 1.)

3. If my baby doesn't sleep through the night soon I will go mad. I'm pretty much crying every day now because of sleep deprivation.

So... fist bump. This probably makes little sense. I plead 5 months of sleep deprivation.

Brynn | 1:27 PM

Give yourself grace, you have A LOT going on and this is a stressful time of year! I'm so glad you realize it's just a season and babies (not to mention twins) and sleep deprivation, make everything worse. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, breath deeply and don't forget self-care (wherever you can squeeze some in--no matter how small). I will say a prayer for you and your precious family!

Sascha | 1:30 PM

Your honesty is endearing. I feel like I've been there and have those days still. I so get the overtired thing. My twin boys are 3 1/2. My only goal was to get them to sleep through the night. The book 12 hours sleep by 12 weeks by Suzy Giordano helped so much ( doesn't matter how old babies are) and Suzy knows, she is a twin mom! A mom's sleep deprivation is a disability and certainly can make normal stressors HUGE BIG stressors. There's only so much we can endure. Hang in there, we're all rooting for you.

B. | 1:34 PM

My twins are two now and NEVER napped and didn't sleep through the night for months. I promise it will get better very soon and you'll feel like a new person once you get to sleep again.

Mindy | 1:55 PM

Heh. 164 and 43. And my new husband who lost 80 lbs during/after his divorce? 155. Pass the fucking whipped cream.

I hear you on the sleep deprivation, and so wish I could give you hope but I make it a habit to be truthful with friends: it will probably last years with these two. They just look like they'll stay up painting each other's toes their entire lives. (I think it was 8 years before I slept through the night and now I can't get them out of bed for school.)

Jessica | 1:57 PM

Have you thought maybe fable is having nightmares about robin williams peering over her shoulder? Yikes!
Had a week like this and oddly enough a night of movies,cuddling and more (oh so much more) helped me feel instantly better. Kind of recalibrated. Whining also helps. You bring the whine, i got the balloons -it's a pity party and everyone's invited!

Dena | 1:57 PM

Wait you had two isn't the rule you sleep and they take care of each other.

NOELLE ALOUD | 2:01 PM

Your words feel like the inside of my head right now. The details are different, but the tone is exactly the same. SOMETHING out there in the Universe must be seriously out of whack because, just, WTF, world?!

Ashley | 2:02 PM

That is a lot of STUFF to deal with when your brain is so tired. It is AMAZING how different a day feels when you are well-rested. Each day feels like a life-time when you are sleep deprived. I hope the twins learn whatever developmental thing is keeping their brains up at night and start giving you longer chunks of rest. Sleep, sleep, sleep - wishing you sleep.

Clandestine Road | 2:08 PM

Sleep deprivation is unbearably painful. Everything hurts and feel thirty seven percent worse. I'm so sorry things are so stressful. I wish you and Hal so much sleep tonight.

Angela

The Shopping Mama | 2:15 PM

Gah! I can so relate to this post. Always, but particularly today. After last week. A week of dealing with a move across the ocean (only we don't know exactly when or where we'll live - thanks, Air Force!) this summer, of dealing with my much-too-big postpartum body, sleepless nights with a 2 month old who cries unless *I'm* holding him... It's just too much. So thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. Because it sure feels like I am.

Jenny | 2:16 PM

I don't know you in any way other than from reading your blog for years, but I hope it's not patronizing or creepy if I say what first came to my mind, which is: Oh Sweetie - you are having a hard time right now. You're not sleeping, you don't know where you're going to live, and then that doctor's form makes you feel like you're just the sum of a few numbers, some of which you don't like much right now. Of course you feel like crap.

I totally feel your pain and hope things get better soon (though I would punch a nun to only weigh 167!).

Tove | 2:16 PM

Good vibes to you, hope you get some sleep because after some good sleep bad things feels better! Those last pictures (especially the one with the blue wall) make me happy and I love the thing about being your own best friend.

duck | 2:34 PM

Been there with the night terrors. Just. Awful. We didn't know what they were until we went to the Dr. Our daughter walked around as she flailed. One of the best investment we made was a baby gate on her door. We could step over it to get to her but we knew she was safe in her room. As well we had luck with music on in her room. It seemed to make the wakings fewer in one night. At one point she was up 7-10 times a night. The music brought it to about 4. On other thng that helped with us - but might not work in your situation is we took nights, not turns. We had been so caught up in doing me then him for going into the kids neither of us was getting any sleep.S o we moved to nights. My night then his night.
As for change. It just sucks. I am no good at it and its taken me 31 years to accept that about myself. Some folks are fine with it, not this person. So I think you are handling it all with grace. Be gentle on yourself. Archer spoke the truth and friends are gentle on each other, forgive each other when we slip and stumble on piles of books.

Megan | 2:35 PM

New babies and moving house are an unsettling combination. And trying to lose weight on top of that...lethal combination...I know how you feel. I'm the biggest I've ever been in my life, we're moving in 4 weeks from Australia to Canada, and my 11 month old is still waking up at least twice in the night. The lack of sleep is crippling and right now chocolate is the only thing that makes me feel better, and yet it makes things worse in terms of my barge arse....I try to tell myself every day "to keep a bit of perspective" - and to accept that this is my 'current' not my 'future' reality. We are truly blessed really, but sometimes it sure doesn't feel that way....especially when I catch a glimpse of my barge arse in the mirror. Chin up girlfriend!

Abilew-who | 2:36 PM

So. I was endlessly patient with my first baby. I was tired - but always did what felt right in my gut. I stayed up with him at night - got up with him often. Then summer came and my teacher husband decided he'd had enough (how that's possible when I was doing all the heavy lifting, I'll never know), but he did it. That child slept through the night. 12 hours. For two years. And then I had another one. And she had very similar baby sleeping patterns. But I had become used to rest. As much as I wanted! I got up with her when she was an infant - because that's what you do, right? But when she turned 7 months and was still doing it? I kind of went crazy. Like. I love that girl. But I was too tired to be effective as a mommy much less a contributing member to society. So I bought a book, which I don't do. Ever. But it worked. And holy cow - it was hard. But it worked. And she was never alone. And I slept after a week. And you can also call the author and she'll coach over the phone! And there's a chapter on twins. Check it...

http://www.amazon.com/Sleep-Ladys-Good-Night-Tight/dp/1593155581/ref=pd_sim_b_12

Good luck. You're a beautiful lady. Next year this time when you're outside planning your own family garden for Esteban, you'll look back at all this and know it was worth it.

shannon | 2:43 PM

I have followed you since you were 3 months pregnant with r&b and found myself ironically pregnant with my twin girls. I have laughed,cried, and sympathized with you through my entire pregnancy. Mine are now 4 months, and at 3 months we moved out of state and are currently living in temporary accomodations while waiting on the nightmare that is the sell of our condo in boston to finally be over. I felt relief knowing someone out there could possibly have an understanding of what I am going through, then immediately felt bad that I felt this sense of relief. I completely understand the temporariness of everything...weight, job, house. As I write this the update to my iphone is telling me not enough storage and all i am thinking is touché iphone, touché..

amyunicorn | 2:47 PM

Wow, the Best Friend thing is just So Profound. I hope you don't mind that I copied it as a status update on Fbook (I gave credit to you). Cause, yeah. SO TRUE!

Things will work out, they always do. Hugs to all of you.

vickichristine | 3:10 PM

well all the stressful things aside, you are still an amazing writer, woman! i love your posts. and i feel your pain on the home buying process. it's so bad i'm still in the "renter-fo-life" stage. and i'm 30 too. i get it, i so get it. xo

minny | 3:10 PM

You are lovely, Rebecca. You will never again be as run ragged as you are now - your babes will get older and easier, and you'll be full of fun again very soon. Thank you for your wonderful blog - that you keep posting when you're so tired and anxious is a great feat.

CP | 3:13 PM

This. Too. Shall. Pass! Hang in there fellow mama, we feel for you and know how hard those sleepless nights and seemingly endless, uncontrollable days can be.

AP | 3:17 PM

Okay, so I never comment on blogs (well, at least those of people I don't actually know), but I have to say two things. One...you look amazing in your photos, and NOT "for having had twins not so long ago" amazing. Just, amazing. Two...at least for me personally, when I'm not getting any sleep my body won't let me drop weight. That fact wasn't so fun when my 1st (with whom I had preeclampsia and gained 55 pounds) didn't sleep AT ALL for the first 15 months of his life. I could not lose the baby weight, no matter what I did. I stayed about 30 pounds overweight until he finally started sleeping and then you know what? The extra weight went away. Sure, there were workouts and healthy eating and all that jazz, but I tried those things when he wasn't sleeping too. It wasn't until my body was rested and not so pushed to the limit that it started cooperating. Basically, I'm saying, I'm hoping you can cut your poor stressed out body some slack until things get easier and at least revel in the fact that you look WAY skinnier than you feel.

Red Stethoscope | 3:17 PM

Aww, I feel you on so many things.

1. Eff Blogger! Another gem that you have yet to discover: scheduled posts do not come up! I've had to manually post "scheduled" posts twice now. Thanks, Blogger.

2. Waiting for something (anything!) to happen is the worst. Good luck with the house. xoxo

3. I cannot imagine your level of sleep deprivation right now. It's definitely contributing to your anxiety about other things, and maybe even your difficulty losing the rest of the weight (but don't quote me on that...I'm just a medical student. We don't know anything). Can your mom come and help again for a couple of weeks, so you and Hal can sleep?

Candace | 3:22 PM

Oh man do I feel your pain. We just relocated to California from New York and we have no place to live. My husband started his job last week and me and the two girls are living in a hotel, actually we are on our third hotel. Trying to get housing here is insane, it is like people don't actually care if they rent their properties or not. The whole California "I will get to it later" business really sucks when you have kids that need a home.

As for the sleeplessness, it kills your personality and your relationships. My babies have never been sleepers. At 3.6 years and 19 months, they still sleep with me and wake up at night. The extra stress of not having a stable situation really affects them at night.

I know it will all work itself out eventually but for now it sucks. Good luck with the stress and if it helps there are others in the trenches with you!

Tricia | 3:56 PM

being a mother of twins is exhausting and no matter what anyone tells you, no one is ever prepared for the reality. my boys are 7 and their big sister turns 10 next month(she also had the night terrors). i still don't get as much sleep as i would like. my one twin is up at 6am every morning, weekday, weekend or vacation. i know someday soon i will be sitting in an empty house because all the kids have grown and moved on and i will be wondering where the time went, so i try to enjoy the little things. people ask me if it gets easier with twins and my answer is always the same....it just gets different. p.s. sleep is overrated. lol

Anonymous | 4:05 PM

So, I follow your blog almost daily, from up here in Tah-RON-uh (Toronto) and I am humbly offering these words from Anne Lamott's "Traveling Mercies" that keep me afloat during the various shit-storms that life hurls in our direction from time to time... it gives me a little peace, hopefully it gives you some too...

When Things Go Wrong
"Carolyn Myss, the medical intuitive who writes and lectures about why people don't heal, flew to Russia a few years ago to give some lectures. Everything that could go wrong did — flights were cancelled or overbooked, connections missed, her reserved room at the hotel given to someone else. She kept trying to be a good sport, but finally, two mornings later, on the train to her conference on healing, she began to whine at the man sitting beside her how infuriating her journey had been thus far.

"it turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said — gently — that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born — and this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."

Here's to the beautiful thing that's trying to be born in your life right now
:)

Cheers,
Adrienne

Elizabeth | 4:47 PM

Love you, Rebecca.
Even when you're blue, your words are still beautiful. There's a whole world full of us mommas/women/humans who can relate to the things you're going through. Thanks for giving us a voice and reminding us we're not alone.
You're not alone.

Kait | 4:48 PM

My husband has been in Africa for ten weeks trying to bring our son home (after two months together last year followed by six months apart and a total sixteen months since we first saw his face) and I am done. Done. I am tired and parenting three kids under five by myself and damnit I just want my family together. I just want us all in one place after sixteen months of fighting.

And then within a span of a few hours this morning everything fell in to place and now my husband and son are coming home this week.

Shit gets weird sometimes but eventually all the little things fall in to place and it all comes together. It might not make sense but it all comes together anyway.

Hoping your week gets better.

Rebecca | 4:58 PM

167 pounds? You look damn good. Life can really suck the shit out of us sometimes, can't it? Hang in there. Someday you will get to have a cocktail and sneak a ciggie, and think to yourself, "I did it, dude!"

Thank you so much for all you do,
Rebecca

Kathryn | 5:25 PM

The no sleep just sucks. It makes everything sooo much worse than it is. Hope things get better soon for you.

Kitty | 5:46 PM

25 years ago my friend offered this comparison....

You know how you see a litter of kittens all clean and fluffy - scampering, romping, tumbling together with fat little tummies? Their coats are beautiful, their personalities shine. And then, just look a little further and you will see the scraggly momma cat who used to have a fluffy clean coat and bright eyes. Now she looks more like a stray from the streets.

That is what momma's give to their babies; life energy. You can physically see it has transferred.

Hoping for better days for you soon, Rebecca!

Alex | 6:12 PM

so sorry you house thing is going nowhere. i've worked short sales before on the seller side & with the mortgage companies and you are right sometimes nothing is happening. sending you lots of hope that the mortgage company starts moving on a decision for you!

also. could archer BE any wiser?

findingmagnolia | 6:34 PM

A few things:
1. I also hate the new Blogger. HAAAAATE. And I'm generally not hateful! I looked at it and may have said out loud, "As if I need SOMETHING ELSE TO FIGURE OUT RIGHT NOW, BLOGGER." Sounds like you don't need something else to figure out right now either. Doesn't Blogger know it needs to be gentle with you in your current unknown housing situation? The nerve!

2. I am so sorry about the lack of sleep. It's the worst. It makes everything else harder (Blogger and housing situations included). I hope it gets better soon. Like tonight.

3. I had night terrors as a child as well and still have a heightened sense of fear about things which are nightmarish. It just is what it is, I guess, but it must be so hard to watch Fable go through it. I'm glad that she doesn't remember in the morning. So glad.

Alt-Mama | 6:49 PM

Our ONE son (2 yrs old) is a joy and a half, but also doesn't sleep. Never has. We've struggled with baby food allergy and eczema stuff, and much of it has gotten MUCH better, but we're not 'there' yet... there being full nights' sleeps on a regular basis. Or, ever. We're not even considering going in for a second kiddo until this one gets the sleep jam down pat. Anyway, I can't imagine having two babies waking up, and two other kids to parent by day, but I can tell you that sleep dep is a bad scene, and I think you're really, really rockin' it. In a good way. I'm sure you're doing much better than you believe you are. Just know that days will come when you feel miserable and everything looks bleak, but it;s not bleak (look at those bright photos, mama!). It's good. And, if the babies don't start sleeping soon, your body will adjust to one degree or another, and you won't know the difference until you're finally sleeping normally again. Hang in. Thanks, as ever, for your candid approach to this blogging thing.

Anonymous | 6:51 PM

I think yourself, your honesty and your family are one of my favourite treasure gems on the interwebz. Sharing your own inner chaos has made me feel slightly more at peace with my own sleep deprived, uncertain, non directed life. I am in oz and a 100% solo mama to a 5 year old, I have no idea what I am doing with this gig and at 31, I had the words " let your bending I the archers hand be for gladness for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable" it gets me through tougher days. Reading your archives I found you are a fan of the same philosopher, right on :-). Shine on lovely, I hope you feel more yourself soon and I hope your girls get some lovely sleep soon

M. | 7:00 PM

I'm pretty sure this has been mentioned by others, but (said gently): cut yourself some slack. On a number of fronts.

1. You brought two new lives into the world. (Hell, you brought FOUR new lives into the world.) Give yourself credit for growing tiny human beings. Sometimes it's really hard not to weigh exactly what you'd like to, but think about what you'd tell a friend in the same situation. Think about what you'd tell your daughters. You're beautiful - genuinely. And more importantly, you're a great human being who brought some amazing new human beings into the universe. A few extra pounds is a tiny price to pay for improving the world with great babies.

2. The sleep thing is rough on all counts, but it will pass. And bad dreams are just bad dreams - Fable's life is pretty fabulous with such an amazing family.

3. House hunting sucks, and we all know it, but - you have a home and an amazing family and a place to stay if you need it and the housing thing doesn't work out. You'll be able to put down roots somewhere, and hey, a brief exodus to your folks' will give your parents time with grandkids and you time with people who love you. Nothing negative about that!

Anonymous | 7:26 PM

I have been having a year like the week you describe, so I can relate. I love your blog, and getting to know your family, so I don't want to in any way revel in your unhappiness, but it is refreshing to hear you complain, since you usually have just the best attitude.

And, you must be very tall, or very confident or both because those 167 lbs look fantastic on you.

BusyMomofTwins | 8:08 PM

I love your blog, love your honesty and as a mother of twins, I absolutely understand the exhaustion of the sleepless nights. Mine are two and yet, still only the odd, rare, and unexpected night when they sleep right through. Hang in there. You have a beautiful family. Love the gorgeous pictures you posted here. Thank you again for sharing.

http://familyfoodtravel.blogspot.ca/

taniaramsey | 8:26 PM

WTFtrograde!!!! I love it and totally plan to steal it! Hang in there!

Unknown | 8:57 PM

I never write, but I'm sorry to see you are so exhausted and that crap with the house and the not sleeping and the blogger is taking its toll.

It's SO hard the first year with babies. Throw in TWO babies and two other ones just a bit older and it's LOTS TO HANDLE.

On the upside the photo with the two sets of chubby legs hanging outside the carseat was TOO MUCH. I love chubby baby legs. ACK!

My kids are mostly on the old side (I'm 37!!!) I have two step kids ages almost 12, and 10.5. A daughter about 11 1/2 and an almost three year old son. It's STILL insane sometimes (picture crazy tween early adolescent drama) but I definitely sleep better at night and that makes SO MUCH DIFFERENCE.

melanie | 9:58 PM

So sorry you're having a bad week, but for what it's worth, you look fabulous, and it's not possible that you're going to be homeless, so SOMETHING will work out. Many many people are rooting for you. Since we're local, I've been trying to figure out if there's any way we could help you out. So far I don't have any great answers, but will absolutely be keeping my eyes and ears peeled for you. And I hate that saying. But I'll do it for you! <3

Susan | 11:47 PM

I know - the lack of sleep thing is AWFUL. It literally colored my world grey. Everything was (is) awful when you're tired...
Also, my now 3.5 year old didn't sleep through the night until he was 1 and never, never napped during the day. Like, 30-45 minutes top. Longer than that and I would go in to check that he was breathing : ). And the twins are still so little! Give them a bit of time and they'll sleep through the night like champions.

Also, we just bought an apartment off of plans and it won't be built for 2 years, which is FINE by me because the amount of money it costs freaks me the hell out.

I'm going to be 32 in two weeks and often read blogs like yours and think, "Wow, they're real grown-ups" while not realizing that I'M THE SAME AGE. In my head I'm 18.

Kel | 11:49 PM

wow, Archer is WISE...
do you get a little freaked out by it?

Cyndi | 2:01 AM

I very much remember the summer we slept in a pop up camper in my Grandparents' back yard because buying a house is slow and because a crazy woman broke in, unpacked all the boxes, and set up housekeeping which made it even slower.

What I don't remember, but I am certain happened, is the panic-fear-exhausted-beaten feeling my parents must have had. They must have! They had 3 kids, who were starting school and still sleeping in a pop-up camper in OHIO in autumn.

It's going to be okay. I know you know that, but it's good to have it confirmed.

That was the summer I turned 11, got a grown up bike (I was a tall 11), and met my best friend who saved my life all the way through my teen years. Sometimes it's good, the adventure that seems like torture.

Take a breath. And maybe hire someone to mind the babies for a night or two so you can sleep.

ELP | 4:37 AM

I love reading your blog...seriously...I have four kids I understand. I love your vibrant pictures. One day there will be sleep. I know, I am so smart ;)

Rebekah A. Yow! | 5:09 AM
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebekah Miel | 5:14 AM

Hey Mama -

I was hoping that your short sale would go more smoothly than ours went. It's most frustrating when the bank does nothing. There doesn't seem to be a problem, but no one is moving forward. It will happen though and maybe it will be after plan B and plan C go into effect, but one day in the not too distant future, you'll be in your house and it won't matter. Your kids will remember it as that Pippi Longstocking adventure when they stayed at Grandma's + you will forget how long it actually took.

In the meantime though, don't be hard on yourself. Moving is one of the most stressful things in life... esp when you don't know where you're moving and you have 9 mo old twins keeping you up all night. Have an extra brownie, margarita, or whatever (weight, shmeight).

Anonymous | 5:42 AM

"On Becoming Baby Wise" by Gary Ezzo saved my sanity. I don't agree with alot of this book but LOVED the sleep portion. Basically it describes how babies cycle through stages of sleep and sometimes cry in the between. If you leave them alone for 15 minutes or so, they go back to sleep. Of course I only bought the book after my 5th child! She sleeps great now! BTW...you are gorgeous! We are always our own worst critics!

Sharon @ Discovering blog | 5:46 AM

Sleep dep is fucking torture. It is cruel, and anyone who has been through it understands and if you ask for help, you just may get some relief. I was ready to hop on a plane and fly away just to find a hotel where I could sleep.

Also? Your hair looks awesome.

Hang in there honey.

Sassy Molassy | 6:09 AM

Non-sleeping babies suck. My oldest didn't sleep through the night until he was almost 4.

I recently started taking an extra vitamin D supplement and it is making me feel noticeably more cheerful and energetic. Also about a year ago, I was super tired and cranky all the time and my hair was falling out and I found out I was anemic because of crazy-heavy periods. Might be worth getting checked out just to make sure there's nothing else going on.

thesecretsavant | 6:54 AM

We are all rooting for you!

thesecretsavant | 6:54 AM

We are all rooting for you!

Mar | 6:58 AM

Sleep deprivations is one of the worst forms of torture. Some people are able to function on 0 sleep...I wasn't...but it'll pass, promise, like everything else in life, this is temporary and everything will get better, just get through one day at a time. I really feel for you!

Nate | 6:59 AM

The new blogger format is THE WORST! It looks pretty slick but the thing is, no one sees it but you!

I think they forced the change on either Saturday or Sunday. It's so confusing to use and the formatting issues are super-annoying. I completely understand your frustration and hope this gets easier to understand soon. So far it's not very intuitive at all.

Oh, and hope you get some sleep. :-)

JosiePosie | 7:34 AM

The number on the scale means nothing, especially when you are looking absolutely smokin' like you are!

Y

Anonymous | 7:56 AM

I have twin girls who are 9 months old and also don't sleep. It's awful. I don't think anyone can understand fully what it's like unless you've been through it. It's just terrible! I know things could be much much worse, but still. I feel like my real life is on hold until they get older and start to sleep. Accepting that life just kind of sucks right now is helping me just a tiny bit. Oh, and I keep taking out my frustration/anger/anxiety on my sweet 4-year-old girl, which of course makes me feel loads better.

I guess I'm trying to say hang in there, and you're not alone. And eventually, we'll get through these rough patches we're having. Sometimes it helps to know that you're not the only one dealing with stuff like this :)

Make It Up As We Go Along | 8:50 AM

When I follow blogs like yours, and feel compelled to comment, then see how redundant such a comment would be, it humbles me. You have a strong support network here, and obviously have a great impact on so many lives -- lives of strangers. Keep it up, and thanks!

Sarah | 8:53 AM

I just want to hug you. In that way that's like "hey, we can hold each other up".

Anonymous | 8:56 AM

Hey
Just wanted to say I feel your pain. My boys just turned on April 1st. Sleepwise i think 4-8 months were a killer! My husband and I were like the walking dead.
They slept in a relay which meant we got no sleep! But about 7.5/8 months they just worked it out and started sleeping. SLEEP WILL COME :) They sleep now all night and their older brother didn't manage that till he was about 18 months. (Obviously now that i have typed this they will start waking again!)
Your kids are lovely!
M from ireland

Anonymous | 9:31 AM

Thank you so much for sharing even on the difficult days. Your words have good timing (for me - for a lot of us I'm sure!)

Stacey | 9:55 AM

It's been one of those days/weeks/months for me as well. Difficult periods come and go but I can't help but feel completely destroyed after them.
Although my situation is different than yours, I know exactly what you mean in regards to the waiting. You're waiting for your new home. I'm waiting for my boyfriend to get a job. He's Irish, and in Ireland, and stuck in Ireland for what feels like forever.
He's been applying for jobs in the US for nearly a year, and it seems like that's what we've grown used to. This constant state of waiting. The days pass by quickly but then I'm reminded that we're no closer to being on the same continent now than we were three years ago.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, your night of sleep will come. And they'll be under the roof of your new home.

Anonymous | 10:04 AM

Pretty sure "writer" would work for the occupation. Sure, it doesn't capture the depth of what you do, but no single word can capture a career.
And 167? Honey, you're like 6 feet tall and you've had four children.
You need a day (or more!) for yourself! Take that precious nanny time and take a nap. It's okay. It will make you feel so much better. Then take deep, healing breaths. You got this, girl!

Anonymous | 1:00 PM

Love, love, love reading this! Beautiful family! I forgot to comment on the theology post. Love that Archer is into the Bible. (Jesus is my homeboy!) Great book: Letters form a Skeptic. Seriously, amazing!
Also, not losing the baby weight..have you thought thyroid? All of my friends lose the weight in two weeks and it takes me 10 months...but i am too lazy to 'try'. Anyway, some of my friends have had the non losing issue and got tested for thyroid.
thanks again for the entertainment and fun points to ponder. keep it real!
-A.A.

Kelly | 1:29 PM

I'm sorry, mama. If it makes you feel any better, this post made ME feel better because I've had some crappy days lately. Today was particularly yucky and it seemed like everyone I talked to or interacted with either had really awesome things going on or was intent on making me feel worse. My point is, I'm here to commiserate if you want to wallow for a bit.

Stephanie Green | 1:31 PM

Girl, I feel you. Our kid is 10.5 months old and naps and sleeping are always a struggle. Everyone says he is so happy (he is) so they dont' believe us that we screams every time we try and get him to sleep.

Also, thank you, thank you for sharing the 167 number. I weigh exactly the same. I think we are the same height and I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel, because you look awesome - but take heart you birthed 2 I only birthed one. It makes me feel better to know that you look rad in pictures so I need to start feeling better about myself and take pictures that include me (or untag them on facebook).

I'm sorry this week sucks. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. And the good news is that if Fable is having night terrors (I looked them up because I was sure our 10 month old had them) not remembering them is part of the definition. Thank god.

Anonymous | 3:53 PM

I am amazed at how beautiful and organized your post is.....considering shit is hitting the fan in all directions around you...you're managing..and that's really impressive. from a
Grandma

Andrea | 4:39 PM

I hope things are already looking up! In a year, you'll probably be able to look back and appreciate the life path you'll be on, despite the roadblocks on the way.

Anonymous | 4:46 PM

I don't use Blogger but these instructions appeared in another blog I frequent. Thought I'd pass them along so maybe there's one less ACK! in your life. If they help, great! If not sorry!!

"This info is for those who own their own blogs and do not like the look of the new Blogger interface.

To go back to the old Blogger format, just click on the Blogger logo (white B inside an orange square) on the upper left corner of your screen, then click on the Blogger Options button on the upper right corner (besides English/under Me), then click on Old Blogger interface."

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 5:12 PM

You guys are amazing. Thank you.

Molly | 5:58 PM

You look hot. Also, get yourself a night in a hotel room, by yourself. You deserve it.

Claire Gibson King | 6:48 PM

Le sigh, I hate how you are having such a hard time right now. Good luck with everything. Hopefully it will all be working out sooner rather than later. No sleep makes everything suck!

Himena | 6:57 PM

I am right there with you....my girl-girl twins are about a week younger than yours. I feel tired ALL THE TIME. I kinda forget how it feels to be well-rested :) I guess we just have to remember it won't be like this forever.

Mama D | 8:21 PM

I'm not sure anybody is really happy with where they are "right now." If they say they are, they're lying. Even when things are fantastic, we all want something else to change or improve or shrink or grow or whatever. And don't apologize to yourself or us for whining. If things suck, it's perfectly acceptable and normal to complain. Even if you're a rock-star blogger. ;-) Yes, things will get better, 'cause that's what things do. But don't dismiss where you are right now -- no point in lying to yourself about your own feelings...other people lie enough.

Pretzel Thief | 1:15 AM

Dude. DUUUUUDE.

You are wonderful and fabulous and awesome and amazeballs and fab-- now, I could go on and on, but I'll spare you the stream of adjectives, heh heh.

(And I'll echo the comments à la how fantastic you look, which you do!)

In short, dear Rebecca, you rocketh in soooo many ways and I'm just one of the oodles of readers that love you. We all love you and that's why we keep coming back here; for the writing filled with equal parts warm fuzzies and raw honesty and wittiness and humour; for the photos that showcase a loving family.

You're one of those bitchin' people I wish I knew in real life because, like most of your readers, I know we'd hit it off all BFF-style -- given the very real YOU that comes through your writing -- so if I'm ever in LA one day (I live in Melbourne, Australia, waaahhh) let's meet for a drink somewhere on Fairfax or on Melrose or in Santa Monica (I have a baseline knowledge of LA, so I'm just mouthing off random locations, hahah).

I'm listening to Beth Hart's "LA Song", a tune I discovered as a 14-year-old in 1999 on a music clip show...I remember instantly loving it and thinking what a different, HONEST song it was. (I also loved how none of my peers knew the song; it made it extra special that way. Plus there was also a hint of that particular brand of teen smugness i.e. liking something non-mainstream, all "Could I BE any cooler?" -- bwah!)

Aaaaanyway, a few years ago I mentioned Beth Hart's gorgeous song in a comment on this post of yours (http://www.girlsgonechild.net/2010/09/radio-flying-down-fairfax.html) and you responded to my comment and mentioned how you used to love the tune (I did it under my old blog name, La Fleur Balkanique). And so now, whenever I hear LA Song, I think of Awesome Angeleno Writer Rebecca. Duh! Heh heh. As an aside, the "Radio Flying Down Fairfax" post remains one of my faves to this day.

Also, I'd be more than happy to corner Esteban in a dark alley and go ninja on his ass. I mean, what the HELL, Esteban?! Grrrrr.

No matter what happens with the house, you guys will be fine. We're all rooting for you. And please don't be hard on yourself; you and Hal and everyone are doing a bang-up job with everything!

B | 9:05 AM

Listen, being a mom is tough. My youngest son is the same age as your girls (he was born 4 days later) and he /just/ started sleeping through the night and napping on his own. You will get there. It may take a while, but you will. I know many people aren't fond of the crying it out method...but sometimes you just gotta do it to survive.
Also, go look at that last picture and pay attention to how skinny your legs look. You had twins a few short months ago and you look fabulous. Give yourself a high five for birthing 4 (4!!!) beautiful babies and looking so great.

Shalyn | 10:18 AM

I understand the stress of not knowing where you're going to live...it's scary. My Son is 11 months old and still up at 2am so I can't imagine two babies waking each other up...it's amazing how little sleep your body can function on. I think you and Hal are in desperate need of a night away or have your Parents come stay the night so you can sleep in :) My Son also got night terrors the only thing that would wake him up was the cold air so I would carry him outside and he never remembered the bad dream either. Good Luck on getting some sleep and hurrying up the housing process!

Kate | 11:48 AM

My heart goes out to you about Fable's night terrors. My two-year old daughter had them last summer. As a parent, it's such a complete loss of control since comforting the child only exacerbates their freakout. I started keeping a journal of what she ate, what she played and when she went to bed, etc. ad naseum, hoping to find some sort of pattern. In the end, I could find no pattern, and she just stopped having them one day. As you said, at least in Fable's memory, she's having dreams about beautiful rainbows. She's a star, that Fable. (Meanwhile...you're probably stumbling around, bleary-eyed and sleep-deprived...hang in there, sister.)

17 beats. | 12:07 PM

first of all, you look fucking incredible. INCREDIBLE. and second, i am right there with you in terms of the babies-not-sleeping issue. except i only have one. i think you're superwoman !

17 beats. | 12:10 PM

LOL. i just realized that i read over that part you posted about your weight. i'm only mentioning this so you know that my comment about looking INCREDIBLE was authentic ... :-)

Ashley | 1:20 PM

Oh, Rebecca, thank you for this. Judging by the rest of these comments, I think it's just a phase a lot of us are going through right now. At least we all know we're not alone :)

Ryan and Janelle | 3:12 PM

Well, whatever the weight and age numbers, you look STUNNING! Look at your hair! Oh it's soooo gorgeous! Hang in there! Sending you xoxo's!

Kacey Haffner-Bruce | 7:49 PM

I have my two girls (not twins) in the same room.. and after a month.. they finally got it.. I always dread it wouldnt happen..

I am a twin and my mom said we did it all the time.. the wake each others up.. we slept in the same crib and I think its safe to say she let us cry it out ;)

Happyinthehibiscus | 11:03 AM

We are just finishing a short sale, which actually ended up taking almost a year!!! If you are down, hold on, if not, there will be another rad house sometime. The banks take forever, ours was Bofa, arseholes if ya ask me.

Susan | 11:19 AM

I love when you write about Archer. He is so wise! He reminds me so much of my son, Luke, who'll be five in July. I definitely think Luke is an old soul, and he's taught me a lot about life, too.

Jane Delrieux | 6:52 PM

My 7 year old son has night terrors too, but they have decreased since he turned 5.
I find the main triggers for us is going to bed stressed, over tired or being too hot in the night. We have found since really trying to avoid these things he has them less (but still occasionally gets them)
I had them as a kid too and I can see that he is an over thinker (like me) and super sensitive (like me again!!)
I hope your weekend is better than your week.
I think you are a very talented writer, and I love reading your mum's posts too. She is a cool woman!
Jane (sydney, Australia)

Anonymous | 2:32 PM

You will be fun again. You are fun now, but you will feel fun again. Swear.

Amy | 7:12 PM

Hi Rebecca,
My daughter is 2 years and 8 months old. She is rarely in bed before 9:30-10, and has never slept through the night. She sleeps 8-9 hours/night, but gets up at least once/night. In the weeks after her birth, I would be losing my mind holding her and rocking her for hours on end, and I would talk myself through it by saying, "It's okay, you need to be here, this is where you are needed, you won't still be bouncing and pacing in an hour." But then the hour would pass, and I was still there. I have coped with it by reminding myself hundreds of times that sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique to break people down so that they give up secrets. No wonder we feel like we are losing our minds. We kind of are. Hang in there. Love.

Margaret | 10:36 AM

I cannot explain how thankful I am to have read this- today- when I needed it the most. I typically check in on my favorite blogs several times a week, but things fell apart this week and I finally gave myself a moment to let go. Thank you for your honesty, and you are not alone.

laurel | 5:48 AM

Girl, I SO FEEL YOU. My twin girls are only a few weeks older than yours and are terrible sleepers. I feel like I'm standing with my toes hanging off a precipice. A new mom told me that I should "sleep when the babies sleep" the other day and I wanted to punch her in the face. B/c on the rare occasion that the girls are sleeping at the same time, I'm caring for my other kids, or I don't know, stealing my first shower in 5 days?? My little Girlfriends are almost 9 months old and I have not lost ONE pound since we left the hospital. It's absolutely bizarre. I always had to work har to get the weight off with my other four but this is insane. I chalk it up to nursing 2 + sleep deprivation but still, it sucks. Oh, and we're currently in the process of selling our house that I adore + finding another + moving. Yeah, I feel you.

MommyNamedApril | 5:59 PM

i'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but i do have to thank you for making me feel so much more NORMAL... no twins here, but i do have 4 very close in age (5, 4, 2.5 & 6mo) ... our family is the opposite though, three boys & one girl.

my baby also does not sleep, and my 2.5 year old and 4 year old take turns with the night terrors.

we have been in limbo waiting on a short sale since september and the hurry up and wait thing is wearing on my psyche terribly. i feel you. i SO FEEL YOU.

even with the blogger thing... seems as though everyone else has moved to a different platform, and we get our loyalty rewarded with change. which is bullshit.

sending sleep dust to you and yours.