Blogging Out Loud

Today I embarrassed myself. I probably embarrass myself daily, perhaps even hourly but I'm oblivious 99.9994% of the time.

It happened in Target. Fable was experiencing her very first ride in the red cart. (Until today I have only worn her shopping so twas a major milestone. We're talking PAGE in the baby book*.)

Fable was beyond stoked to put her legs through the holes and dangle her chubby feet in the nothingness. It was a quick trip. Only a twenty-minute window was had so I pushed Fable quickly through the aisles, grabbed a box of diapers, Healthy Weight Dog Food because obvy, welcome to LA, a pack of white tee-shirts for enduring summer with a bobbler (that's baby/toddler for all yous new to my isms) and a pack of Sweet Mint Orbit gum (my brand of choice).

Fable was in heaven, she was. She clapped her hands, waved to strangers, laughed like no one was watching.

We paid for our purchases and filed into the elevator. I had just pushed the P1 button when a nice older-ish woman turned to my squealing-with-glee baby and said:

"What a happy baby! Is she always like that?"

"Yes! She truly is. Ever since she was born..." and then, because I HAD TO KEEP TALKING... "She must have come out on the right side of my vagina!"

The seconds that followed were quite possibly the longest seconds in the history of the universe. People turned. Eyes widened. Fable went on kicking her legs. I might as well have farted, taken off all my clothes and sang Karaoke right in that moment because the looks of WTF could not have been more WTFish.

"Like, you know... the right side of the bed. But... vagin...a. Just kidding. Hi."

Good recovery, Bec. Now that you're just kidding everyone is totally cool with you just mentioning your vagina at 9:52am in a crowded elevator of randoms.

When the elevator finally dinged, I raced like mad toward my car where I locked the doors and hid under my steering wheel.

It was there that it dawned on me that, holy shit! I just blogged out loud!

Vagina talk is shmagina talk in print and even though most of you reading are people I don't know, it never feels weird publishing explicit stories about my lady parts for some reason.

Talking vagina to an elevator of strangers? Quite another story, I now know.

GGC


And in other near horrifying news, a pregnancy scare!

*I wish. There's no baby book. Actually, THIS is my baby book.

103 comments:

alexclark | 10:23 PM

This is the most delightfully awkward thing I have ever read.

How many people were in that elevator?

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 10:26 PM

I can't be sure. 10? 10,000?

OH. MY. GOD. I kind of think it might be near time to quit blogging. It's turning me inept at normalcy.

jen | 10:29 PM

thank you for making me LOL...with a mouthful of soda.

Rachel F | 10:32 PM

Bec, This is why the people who are your IRL BFFs are your IRL BFFS. You didn't say that because you're a blogger. You said it because you are JUST THAT AWESOME! Kisses on the right AND wrong sides of your vagina!

licialee | 10:34 PM

NOO! You can't quit blogging. I love the blog. I am so glad I clicked on here before I went to bed. :D

Kristen | 10:34 PM

Hilarious. Thank you for sharing your embarrassing moments! :)

☆Susanlee☆ | 10:35 PM

Best. Story. Ever. God you rock girl!!

Zakary | 10:36 PM

I LOVE you for saying that THIS is your baby book.

Because I just saw Troy's baby book that I bought TWO years ago and not one thing is in it.

This story makes me laugh. And if I was in that elevator with you, I would have laughed my guts out. And then blogged about it.

mommymae | 10:37 PM

sweet mint is the way to go.

and you're too much. i love it & can't wait to meet you.

Mary Jo | 10:39 PM

Don't mind me, I'm from the Midwest. Why is there an elevator in Target!? Haha

L.A. Stylist Mom | 10:43 PM

ROTFLMFAO! And my most fave part is the "obvy" on the Healthy Weight dog food - BTDT...

Bobbi Janay | 10:43 PM

That sounds like something I would say, actually I think I have said that before.

Elly | 10:47 PM

Hahaha, that's brilliant! The people IRL may think your mad, but the online community loves you :)

Ali | 10:47 PM

wait wait, if the blog is the baby book, and you quit blogging, that means no more baby book right?
So safe to assuming that there will be no blog-quitting going on?

p.s. you're hilarious.

GingerB | 11:44 PM

HA! I love this story.

I like to tack -ness on the end of words for emphasis. Hannah is the lamb of babyness. My dog is Ms. Dogness, etc. I once, in front of my toddler and two stepsons who were 10 & 12, called my husband sweet pea-ness. Yeah. I could totally have said what you did.

Anonymous | 12:24 AM

And there was like NO reaction from these people???

I would love to run into you on an elevator in Target! At least I'd laugh.

BTW, do you or your babes ever get recognized by other LA mum's in public?

BonJoey | 12:46 AM

I would have laughed so hard if I was in that elevator. You're a genius. Don't ever stop being so candidly awesomely hilariously you! And, for that matter, don't EVER stop blogging! You would ruin like 384986&868339p29385e6876 peoples lives! ps - Fable's shopping cart pic is classic! I would have marveled at her as well!

BonJoey | 1:02 AM

Oh, p.s.s - LOVING your track tuesdays so far! I watched Beirut's Nantes like 5 times. I can't wait for more! You've got taste, babe! And also, you're most definitely not off the "band" wagon - I wish I was as up on the scene as you are, but since Vaughn's arrival, I've truly been off the band wagon! (Been to less than 10 shows in the 2 and a half years since- NO EXCUSE!) Ugh, I never thought I'd be the parent that let MY music be gradually replaced by kidz bop (not really, I still could never stomach that tripe) until my tastes had faded into oblivion! Ah the irony. Anyways, thanks for bringing me some musical inspiration!

Emily | 1:27 AM

I just almost peed in my pants I was laughing so hard!! I've been reading you for a while but I think this is my first comment...a story this funny, how could I not de-lurk?? Keep it coming...

Sarah | 3:55 AM

Well I'm glad she came out the right side of your vagina, because I can't even imagine what it means to come out the wrong side.

That just sounds really painful.

Colleen | 5:01 AM

Been reading you for a few months. Love this blog and you! (and your kids are freaking adorable)

This story cracked me up! I kinda wonder if the people in the elevator went home and talked about your vagina at their dinner tables that night. You mighta given away some cheap thrills without meaning to!

Erin, Nick and Merrick | 5:08 AM

AHAHAHAH! That is the best story ever!!

mrs.notouching | 5:11 AM

Hahahahahahaha!

Melinda | 5:14 AM

I should know better than to read your post at work. Now everyone thinks I am totally nuts because I was at my desk shaking, trying not to laugh out loud. At least I didn't have to explain why I was laughing. "Oh I am just reading a story about a vagina." Thank you for a big smile to start my day.

Kendra | 5:33 AM

Sure, it was a hilariously embarrassing moment, one of those times when you realize your internal censor has taken a vacation and left you in an elevator full of people who can't believe you actually just said that.

But it's also such a great reminder that "vagina" isn't actually a dirty word, that it's okay to say it, even if you kind of wish you hadn't! (I say that as the mom of a 16-month-old girl who gleefully calls her lady bits her "butt-butt" and I still haven't been able to bring myself to correct her.)

Amanda | 5:55 AM

This story was great. I embarrass myself on the daily.

Misty | 5:56 AM

That just made my day. No probably my week. Talk about hilarity.

Lovin' the bobblers!

Babe in Babeland | 6:01 AM

You are hilarious! I'm glad to know I'm not alone in saying extremely embarrassing schtuff in front of strangers...it happens to me more often than I'd like to admit. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut! ESPECIALLY when it comes to my vagina or my boobies. :-)

the grumbles | 6:12 AM

I can't believe your target has an elevator. you fancy cali people... i'm not sure that's even been invented here in the midwest yet.

mybabyweight | 6:33 AM

Seriously, this internet thing is forever, right? Because I don't have a backup for this shit and I need to remember what mah baby did when...
Honestly, I have to seriously filter my convos IRL. When pregnancy & birth are involved? Wowza... people don't like to hear "CERVICAL MUCUS" out loud, do they? Oppsies.

Adrianne | 6:39 AM

Holy crap! That's hilarious! If I hadn't been reading your blog for a while now I totally wouldn't believe you said that:) I so wish I could have been a fly on the wall of that elevator so I could see people's expressions. Priceless, I'm sure!
Oh, and fyi, it's nowhere near time to quit blogging! I need bloggers like you to make it through the early mornings at work (and the boring late afternoons!).

Maternal Mirth | 7:12 AM

Happens to me allllll the time...

Candice | 7:50 AM

Hahahaha, that is awesome. Thank you for sharing that with us. If I was in that elevator, I would have totally snickered out loud.

mountain.mama | 7:51 AM

Hahaha, if I had been in that elevator I would have been laughing hysterically! At least Fable wasn't screaming and crying all the way through Target.

mountain.mama | 7:55 AM

Hahaha, if I had been in that elevator, I'd have laughed hysterically! At least Fable wasn't screaming and crying in Target.

Jackie | 8:00 AM

BWAAHAHAA! Wow - I thought only *I* could embarass myself in such fashion. Thanks for the laugh, I'm sure to giggle whenever I think of this throughout the day! :) Just because you went waaay beyond their comfort zone, doesn't mean you should shrink your own - wouldn't it be awesome if we didn't feel the need to "hide" behind our blogs? I wish I could blog out loud every day :) Rock on!

PetriDish | 8:03 AM

quite possibly the funniest "out loud" moment I've heard all year. Thanks for the giggle. I find myself in these situations all the time, which solidifies my suspicion we'd make great friends. Yeah, I just went there. An anonymous commenter thinking she could hold her own with a witty blogger like yourself. I'm drunk. But just a little.

Kay | 8:11 AM

I've found that if you follow one of THOSE comments with "uh-oh. Did I just say that OUT LOUD?", most people giggle and look away.
Seriously? I wouldn't have even made it to the car. I would have crawled under a rack of clothing or something.

KellyV | 8:12 AM

Oh this is why I love coming here!
Thanks for the morning laugh - wish I could have been in that elevator with you. I would have laughed unitl I cried.

Anonymous | 8:28 AM

I f'ing love you.

Wish I was half as quick as you.

Danielle | 8:29 AM

I'm glad other people do this.....story of my life.....

Anonymous | 8:30 AM

I LOVE IT!

I would have laughed...that's all I'll say.

We don't use the vagina word enough in public anyway.

Trish | 8:37 AM

I would have totally laughed!!! Some people are so stuffy!

Armonia | 8:37 AM

HAHAHA!! you made me spirt out my coffee because you caught me by surprise!! HAHA can't stop laughing!! so much a comment i would have made too! HAHAHA!!

hayley | 8:53 AM

1 word: ah-mazing.

Eric and Katie Colvin | 9:18 AM

I don't know you, but I read one of your blogs a few days ago and decided I'd follow... and I am so glad I did. That totally sounds like something I would have thought (maybe not said ;) ) and I would have laughed so loud if I had been in that elevator! (My 6 month old girl is incredibly happy as well so she must have come out on the right side too!) I live in an LA suburb but I've never seen an elevator in a Target... must be nice! I'd spend my life in there! I LOVE IT!

Jessi | 9:39 AM

I would have laughed my butt off if someone said that in an elevator with me! I've done similar 'taboo' things and I don't even blog that often, I'm just socially inept.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 9:54 AM

Ha! It's not *that* fancy of a Target to have elevators inside - they just take you down to the parking garage is all.

Hollienoel | 9:54 AM

OMG, hilarious. I never MEET people like this in real life. Maybe people should blog-out-loud more often, I'd like more people. :)

Becky | 10:06 AM

Amazing! :)

Allison the Meep | 10:07 AM

You are so badass. I wish more people would speak out loud the things they think in their heads. Life would be so much funnier.

fidelia33 | 10:13 AM

Cracking up! If I had been in Target with you, I would have been laughing out loud because I would have totally gotten what you said! And my goodness, vagina seems to be more of a bad word then the F word. Too bad you couldn't have worked your breast in there too! lol.

Amanda | 10:19 AM

I dont think there is ever a right time to say vagina...what is it about that word that makes people all vaclempted!? Oh well...JUst a bunch of randoms you will never have to see again!

Bobbler! LOVE IT!

Angie | 10:21 AM

This is something I would have probably said! hehe. I wish I would have been in the elevator. I would have laughed to break the ice and maybe make you feel not quite as awkward! lol.

Please don't quit blogging over this (I doubt you will although I don't know you that well, maybe you would?) I would be lost in this blogging world without you!!

hoppytoddle | 10:40 AM

I told the cashier at Target just the other day, over MiniMe having a breakdown because she left her bracelet in the movie theater & just realized it, that I think we should name this (pointing to my swollen belly) baby Scarlett because it would be more honest. Her response: "Oh! I love that name! & Ava, I like Ava. You know, like Ava Gardner." Great. Yeah. Vivienne & Knox are great, too.

So, while my jokes may not involve genital words, people get them, either. But I completely would have got yours & I would have laughed & probably thanked you for that.

Jasie VanGesen | 10:50 AM

I'm really glad I'm not the only person who says such wildly inappropriate things... that seem 100% fine to me.

LovingDanger | 10:51 AM

I think Vagina jokes are totally normal. If it makes you feel any better we call our mini van "The Vangina" my husbands Jesus loving parents don't get it but hey we think it's funny!

Lara | 10:58 AM

First of all, I don't know what's up with all the WTF looks... I would have laughed!

Secondly, does the fact that your Target has elevators mean that it's a two-story Target (because mine in the Bronx has elevators and is only one story.)? If so, then behold one of my favorite Target things -- THE CART ESCALATOR! There is a the regular people escalator and then there is the CART. ESCALATOR. A Wonder to Behold! Although, once, like a dumbass, I wheeled both me AND MY CART onto the regular escalator. Yes. Picture that for a moment.

That's What She Said | 11:24 AM

HA! Holy shit to Kendra on the "butt-butt" comment. That's fucking hysterical.

Anonymous | 11:24 AM

Haha, too funny.

Elizabeth | 11:35 AM

I love the cart escalator. It seems like all the targets in my vicinity (bay area) have them, because most seem to be two stories.

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too | 11:53 AM

That is hilarious!!! Thanks for the laugh!

LindserAnnie | 12:39 PM

Noooooo don't stop blogging! There is no such thing as normal and even if there was BOOOOO boring! :)
I've been known to talk to strangers *at length* about the state of my nani - you are not the only one! And ya know, one of those strangers is now one of my closest friends though she did think I was a weirdo in the beginning, naturally. But now we just laugh about it.

amie | 1:12 PM

LOL. Thanks, I needed that.

Steph | 3:00 PM

My 12 year-old just said "stop laughing at the computer mom."

Fable looks a lot like archer in that pic!

Chica | 3:22 PM

You are awesome, seriously. :) Hehe...

Shana | 3:44 PM

I think I just peed a little. Good Lord. I wish I'd been in that elevator, because how can anybody let something like that go by without laughing? Snork.

And you know that lady went home and told her husband a "kids today" story! Awesome.

Katherine Sanford | 4:09 PM

That's hilarious. You're awesome.

Kat | 4:10 PM

That's hilarious. You're awesome.

Mariselle | 5:46 PM

I was having a crap Friday night but after reading this, I'm sitting here in my kitchen laughing so hard, I wish I could have been in that elevator...I would have rolled on the floor among the WTFs. You are freaking awesome.

Baby in Broad | 5:57 PM

The world would be a happier, funnier, less uptight place if people blogged out loud more often.

Renee | 7:33 PM

Sweet child! That is too funny! It sucks with the filter is clogged and you say exactly what is on your mind! Or maybe it sucks that we have to use a filter and the world can't handle the rawness of motherhood!

Jenn | 7:34 PM

hahahaha. Hilarious. I would have high-fived you.

Kalee | 8:54 PM

I love this! First, I got it, and began laughing immediately. Then I realized, yeah, the elevator probably wouldn't have been the best place for such a hilarious statement. But in the end, hey, I wish I had been there because I totally would have burst out laughing and told you that was fantastic. Usually there's somebody like that in the elevator, you just got unlucky.

JJ Keith | 9:12 PM

Just today I was pushing P1 in the spookily hot Target gay-rage elevator and admiring a cuddle monster sitting pretty. Her mom beamed, "It's her first time in the big girl seat" and I swooned. And look, if she had made a remark about her vagina, I would have been on board. It's a pity that I missed you by a day. It could have gone differently.

That said, sometimes the awkwardest thing about babies is that they come out vaginas. I still remember my father and law looking at my two day old babe and asked what was in her hair. Well, the answer was "chunks of my uterus and vagina from whence she just came." He realized it before I could say something awkward and just skittered away meekly. I mean, she lived inside my body for nine months. The miracle of life is not sanitary.

Kendra | 11:54 PM

this is so awesome bec..thats why i love you! just like, look behind you there are dragons!!!!!!!! heart you tons!
kendra

spicylikeginger | 12:14 AM

Pshh. If only we all could just be comfortable with all our body parts! It's not like you said a curse word!! And yes, Fable did, I reckon!

Lauren | 6:56 AM

Oh dear lord, that's hilarious. How easy it is to forget who your audience is.

Tracey | 1:21 PM

hilarious. It's not like you're being rude to anyone in particular so i say hey whats a little vagina between friends. Christ there's a 'vagina monologues' which is the name of a play! But hilarious all the same.

Loving the blog. x

Jennifer | 4:27 PM

I do so love your posts! (And your book was incredible.) This story cracked me up. Reminds me of the way I sometimes say things that get me that "Did she really just say that out loud?" look. Ha!

Jill Pilgrim | 5:48 PM

Oh my God- hilarious! I totally needed this today too. Thank you! :)

pamela | 8:03 PM

I WANT TO MEET YOU ON AN ELEVATOR!!

and i think this might be archer's twin?:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennifersummer/3607916534/

amy | 8:36 PM

Oh too funny, what I would have done to be in that elevator. I think I would have high fived you and invited you for coffee!

ModernMommaBlog | 7:24 AM

So, so, so funny!

jg | 8:29 AM

This would have made my entire day if I had been there. You are hysterical.

nicole | 9:35 AM

hahahaha! that is awesome!

sunT | 10:16 AM

just read your book. I LOVED IT! fastest book i have read with a two year old running around, i just could not put it down! i laughed and cried through the whole thing because in so many ways i have been there too.
thank you.

Marketing Mama | 12:29 PM

I am CRYING! That is the funniest thing I have heard in a very long time. I can feel the heat in your cheeks..... HILARIOUS! Wish I could have been in that elevator.

Sandy | 3:19 PM

This is hilarious. Since Oscar was born I say the weirdest things. I think the c-section accidentally severed the censorship connection in my brain.

Darcy | 5:32 PM

I would have DEFINITELY laughed if I were there! then i would have looked at the others like THEY were crazy ;-)!

Brooke G. | 8:28 PM

LAUGHING. OUT. LOUD! That was hysterical. A simple LOL doesn't cut it! THANKS!!!

Tricina | 12:00 PM

That's wonderful. I'm glad I'm not alone mentioning body parts in a casual way. In my household (my beloved, a cat, and I) it is completely customary to discuss poop; when you need to go, how it went, if you're blocked up, or ate something funky, but that's not the way the rest of the world works. People get very uncomfortable and so we often have to joke our way out of our social faux-pas, which really just makes everything more awkward.

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas | 12:39 PM

As always, you kill me. Missed you at BlogHer. I saw Sarah for a nanosecond and then she apparated into a cloud of wonderfulness.

Loukia | 1:08 PM

Oh my God. The funniest post I have read in a looong time. OMG.

Chronicles of Momnia | 1:38 PM

DIED laughing! yes, it's much easier to let the f-bomb fly, talk about my distended nipples courtesy of two breastfeeders, and literally scream and cry over sleep deprivation...into the dark hole that is my blog. comments from my fellow mommies, readers, etc. are always encouraging. but would i ever say it to someone i just met on the street? well, now i know what reaction i'd get if i did. love, love the "hi" too at the end.

steph anne | 4:37 PM

Thanks for the laugh! I would have probably just took a picture of her with my iPhone and say, "Just kidding. I'm doing a survey on people's reactions. Thanks for partcipating" and off I go!

Brittany at Mommy Words | 6:48 PM

Oh my that was priceless. I have definitely said Vagina in front of people who would rather I had not since having kids but I have thus far avoided the talk of my genitals in target. Then again I just started blogging. Keep it up! I love your blog! And mine is my baby book too...the "real" book is empty.

Erin | 7:09 PM

Hilarious! I just had my second son ten days ago in an unplanned home birth because he came SO FAST, so when a neighbor commented on how round his head was for a newborn, without thinking I said, "That's because he shot out of my vagina like a cannonball!" And then enjoyed the very long pause while realizing what I said. Let's hope the neighbors chalked it up to sleep deprivation, but it was definitely a blogging out loud moment.

Sarcastica | 8:39 PM

This post cheered me up A LOT and made me laugh. So thank you. A lot!

Mo | 10:14 AM

effing hilarious

Sass E-mum | 8:12 AM

Ha ha! What a shame you weren't in a lift (elevator) with other bloggers. I like to think I'd have understood.

JBirch22 | 9:32 AM

HAHAHHAHA, that's amazing.

Sounds like something I can totally see myself saying in public, too.

People can be so uptight =P

Amelia | 2:24 PM

AHAHHAAH!!!! Absolutely love this.