Fade Into You + J Mascis is basically what happens when every fond memory of adolescence collides with the pieces of broken hearts that never fully healed. Not completely, anyway. I can still see the Dinosaur Jr. cassette tapes on the floor of various pick-up trucks... besides sweaty t-shirts and stickers, surf wax and empty boxes of smokes in cars we were too young to drive ourselves...

226. Fade Into You covered by: J Mascis

...The throaty rasp of J Mascis + wispy wail of Mazzy Star = the collision of girl talk and boy issues. This song is the whole story. It smells like unmade beds and sun-in and burritos on the curb at Mexico Viejo at midnight, even though our curfews were 11. It sounds like fake IDs against acrylic finger nails and the puckering of lips in photo booths -- the long lost selfies of yesteryear.
photo-3 *Summer of '95, #tbt

An old friend sent me the above photo a few weeks ago and when I showed it to Fable she didn't believe that the girl on the right was me.

"No it isn't, Mom. You look nothing like that..."

"That's because I changed. My body and my face and my hair color...  You will look different someday, too. You will look different and then you will look different from that and then you will look different from that but you're still you, you know...you're still THIS AMAZING GIRL right here."

I was posting old (teenage) journal entries on Instagram for a while. Mainly because I thought they were hysterical and heartbreaking and mortifying in a way that all old journal entries are. But then, as I thumbed through more volumes and saw myself darken, I started to feel protective. Of all of those moments and feelings I kept hidden away under my bed.... all the secrets and sadness...  You would never know from the photos I have. Nobody ever knows, right? Nobody ever knows anyone from anything beyond their projections.

We roll our eyes at our former selves.

Because we can.

Because our #tbt posts and musings do not represent who we are now, so we can laugh at them and point and shake our heads. Because it's easier to share our dirty truths from way back when than it is to share them now.

We talk about our daughters, say things like, "We're going to be in big trouble when she turns 16, amirite."

It is far easier to envy how we looked then than it is to embrace (appreciate?) how we look now.  It is far easier to comment on our future "troubled daughters" than to acknowledge our troubling system.

Because we're detached from who we were and who they will someday become. Because we're not that girl anymore and they are not that girl yet except yes they are and yes we are and yes, actually. There is a core that hasn't changed. That never will. Even when it appears to have become unrecognizable. But J Mascis still sounds like J Mascis and Fade Into You still stings and old pictures don't feel that old.

Because in the words of Dan Mangan, we like to talk about the past. WE LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE PAST! 

(I had to post this song, too, because HELLO.)

Wanna breathe in all the ashes of the books they tried to burn/I wanna keep the pages in my skin and understand the words...  

That is some truth right there, man... gan. That is some truth. 


... Mouthpiece by: Dan Mangan + Blacksmith