Girl Gone Child, For Real


I have been noticing that as Archer grows up I seem to be growing down. I am genuinely interested in building castles out of letter blocks and playing with Pound Puppies. (My favorite toy as a child.) I find myself exploring basic crap as wide-eyed and curious as my son.

"Archer!" I say, "Don't pull Cooper's tail." Then I pull Cooper's tail to see what happens. I am turning kind of retarded. No offense because I know some very nice retarded people. I do.

So today I was playing with Archer and we were pressing the buttons on the Sesame Street thingy so that Oscar the Grouch would pop up out of his can and sing "I love trash." After interrupting Ernie's fully-clothed bathtub-romp several dozen times "rubber ducky, you're the oooooone" I suddenly wondered if Elmo "This is the song. LALALALA. ELMO song!" had room in his pop-out window for Archer's nunu.*

"Archer. Can I please take this nunu? Thanks bud."

I snatched Archer's nu out of his mouth and folded it gingerly in Elmo's compartment and closed the door shut. I had decided that it would be fantastic to press the button and see Elmo fly out of his window with Archer's nunu. I was ecstatic with excitement. I also thought my brilliant idea would perhaps cause Archer to become more interested in the toy, so I could take a break and get some work done. I was shocked to find that my brilliant idea wasn't brilliant at all. In fact, it was stupid. The door was jammed. ELmo had hijacked Archer's favorite NuNu and it was all my fault. What a dumbass.

Frantic I began smashing the toy with my good hand, pressing the button, wedging a nail file in the door as to force the door open, ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS RIGHT while Archer looked on and babbled at the wall.

Suddenly my hubz appeared to see why the hell I was cursing in espanol**. "Um. Archer locked his pacifier in Elmo's cave thingy."

"Archer did?"

"Yeah. Our son is such a curious little person. Psh."

But we all knew the truth. (I am a very bad liar.)

For the record, I succeeded in unjamming Elmo's window and rescuing Archer's nunu. Because although there is a large part of me that never grew out of childish mischief-making, there is also a part of me that wants to make everything right...

...All by myself like a big girl.

GGC


*pacifier
** cursing in espanol is a great way to get away with saying your favorite words including fuck & shit. Seriously. Try it. GGC Recommends...

13 comments:

Chag | 10:27 PM

Funny post. Look at it this way -- you and Archer can grow up together! At least you're getting practice for when Archer starts jamming all his toys into other toys and will need you to save the day.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 11:23 PM

Chag- I have a feeling its going to be the other way around. Archer driving me to the emergency room so the doctor can remove the micro machine from my nostril. SIgh...

Magpie K | 3:47 AM

Haha! Did you get that kinda prickly embarrassed sweaty sinking feeling? I get that when I've been messing around and realise I've done something silly that I might not be able to fix (like wiping all the photos off my camera). I'll have to learn to swear in espanol!

MrsFortune | 5:37 AM

Wow, I really like your logic here. I now have an excuse why I act like a 12 year old sometimes (since I teach 12 year olds). What's that saying? Water seeks its own level? I never really, truly understood what that meant but it seems somehow a propos here.

Also, now I can think of something other than farts to blame on the kids :)

Kristen | 6:17 AM

I enjoy building with blocks myself and then I love knocking them down. Oh, and I'm turning 3 this year.

mom101 | 7:29 AM

Look at it as an amazing lesson for Archer: He's learned early that you can't put a pacifier-shaped pacifier into a square hole. Thanks to you, he'll graduate highschool at 9, med school at 14.

erotic_cookie | 7:39 AM

Elmo is a bastard, next time I see him I'll punch him in face.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 12:56 PM

Hahaha. You guys are funny.

stefanierj | 5:41 PM

As usual, I'm late to the party, but I have a "I'm stupider than you" story...okay so AFTER reading this post, I was playing with the D-train and thought it would be fun to put his tennis ball into a clear plastic jar so he could try and figure out how to get it out. Of course, I kinda had to force the tennis ball a little.

Of course my dumb ass didn't think that there was no way to get it out once it was FORCED in there. Thank God for the vacuum cleaner (that's what the term "noo-noo" means in our house), because it was able to get it out, but jeez, I felt like a toe-tal IDIOT!! Dope slap for moi.

So I feel ya. And I feel your love for the MAM. We heart it so much 'round dese pahts.

J's Mommy | 7:21 AM

Great post - very funny. I actually enjoy jumping on the bed the most!

the weirdgirl | 11:03 PM

I like chasing chickens. (We had them while I was growing up, don't ask.) Every time we go to Hawaii sooner or later I'll chase the chickens. Keen already thinks I'm nuts and I'm sure Chance will find this habit excrutiatingly embarrassing as he grows older.

Emery Jo | 11:34 AM

i am dying of laughing right now.

Anonymous | 6:45 PM

guess what! i am even stupider than you ! an our or so ago i was riding my skate board and then i decided to kick it as hard as i possibly could to see how far it would roll...BIG MISTAKE!!! i had an old pair of worn-out crocs on(they are really floppy and flimsy!) i kicked as hard as i thought i could(not even thinking about the fact that i had my old crocs on) and the skateboard went flying accros the yard,then across the big ditch next to the yard,and finally flew and hit our next door neighbor's brand new jeep iJAMMED MY RIGHT BIG TOE ...THE END