A Mother Nose


"I think he pooped."
"Someone has a poooopy diaper!"
"Loooooks like a poooop!"

Something happens when a girl becomes a mom...

I should have known when I was pregnant, a super-smeller with serious disdain for anything pungent. I get it now. The whole preggo-smell-thing was so I might give my nose its calm before the smell-storm. Being hyper-sensitive to stink is the nose's way to free itself from tyranny before succumbing to a life of less-than-aroma-therapeutic scents. Kinda like sleeping 18 hours straight when pregnant, the winter hibernation before the endless, restless summer.

When I was pregnant, the fumes in a car garage caused me to hyperventilate and I stayed indoors on garbage day as not to be bombarded by the orange stench of rotting waste on the streets. Everything stank including dust, which was my biggest adversary for months before baby popped on the scene.

Now...

The other day I found myself lifting Archer off my lap into the air and smelling his butt. "Smells like a pooooooper, mr. poopinbaum!" No big deal except we were at a rather cutesy breakfast spot in trend-o-rama neighborhood surrounded by people who do not sniff baby's butts nor seem amused by the people who do. (sorry, dudes.)

I stopped myself, adjusted my sunglasses and quietly sassed everyone from behind my cafe latte. Because the only way to get away with smelling baby butt at breakfast is to back it up with some Angeleno attitude and I have been here long enough to know how to work it.

"What?"
"Who cares?"
"Poopy diaper with your eggs?"

I have to admit, I used to think people like me were disgusting. Diaper changing in public? Pulease. But the me of today would like to formally flip the me of yesterday the finger. I'm proud of my public displays of poopfection. Maybe proud is the wrong word. More like oblivious that I might be grosssing out local versions of my former self.

And now I ask you, readers: do you smell your baby's butt in public? And if you haven't a baby, do you find me tacky? Go on, use your words. Smell it and tell it, people.

GGC

25 comments:

MrsFortune | 8:04 PM

Hmm ... no, I do not smell my baby's butt in public. Yet. I'd have to put my nose to my boobs in order to do so. Nonetheless, I don't find your public displays of stool-ification disgusting. Babies smell gooooooood.

reluctant housewife | 8:23 PM

Yes, I've done it.

Motherhood has changed me in many ways, not the least of which is making me act like a pig digging for truffles.

In PUBLIC, no less.

uncle russ | 9:05 PM

ok, i'm super tired and this is very much not well thought out, but i'd imagine that motherhood makes certain formalities seem less than important. since archer relies on you (and halbeaners) completely, you're willing to eschew social conventions for the sake of his well-being. that said, i think it's one thing to attend to necessary, albeit unpleasant, tasks in public, while it's another thing to parade around as you do it. unless the squirt's well being is seriously in danger (god forbid!!!!), then i think it's fair that the public might expect some discretion. so if it's just a dirty diaper, then i think you can sniff w/o announcing it or sharing the evidence w/ innocent bystanders. btw, is it obvious that i'm in the middle of doing business law homework. sigh... hugs and kisses : )

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 9:23 PM

oh, uncle russ. we do soooo love you and i promise next time you come to visit i WILL not smell butt in public. good luck with the homework.

Mom101 | 9:48 PM

But the me of today would like to formally flip the me of yesterday the finger. -- this is the best way of putting this! I think the very same thing (in less witty terms) as I'm carrying my baby into the business class cabin of the airplane.

I've not only sniffed La Butt, I've ventured to change her (pee only) in the diner booth. Nate says it's rude. I say, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

mo-wo | 11:02 PM

Wilhelmina Thunderpants' mother smells pants. It is in the role statement.

Kristen | 5:25 AM

I'm a certified BABY butt sniffer -and I'm quite good at differentiating farts and poo even w/o looking - my huz still needs some work.

How's that novel coming?

MetroDad | 6:47 AM

Not only do I sniff the baby's butt in public but I also unfortunately tend to suffer from seasonal allergies. Therefore, for half the year, my sinuses clog and my sense of smell is greatly deteriorated. So basically I often find myself sniffing the baby's butt for about 5 minutes, trying to figure out if she pooped. I've also been known to then stick my baby's ass right in front of the wife's nose and say, "Sniff this, will ya? I can't tell if she's pooped or not."

Chag | 7:07 AM

Yes, I do it all the time. And I've never had the greatest sense of smell, so it takes me much longer to get a whiff than the normal person. So there's no way I can hide what I'm doing when I'm in public.

Binky | 8:21 AM

Yup, I'm a sniffer. My mother, on the other hand, prefers to perform her diagnostics by sticking her finger in the baby's diaper and then examining it like a dipstick.

In public.

No, I'm not kidding.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 9:07 AM

HAHAHAHAHA, this is funny shit, people. Keep it coming.

Kristen- I am printing the final draft RIGHT NOW!

rhonda | 12:28 PM

I was a butt sniffer too (when they were in diapers). No matter where we were, didn't matter. I try not to sniff their butts now that they are older :) They don't like it too much, tee hee. OH to be a mom!

kfk | 7:25 PM

Of course! That is the easiest way to tell if it's been soiled. Though, sometimes when you're not quite sure, so you pull back the diaper with your index finger and then discover that indeed there is poop in there cuz it is now all over your foraging appendage. And then you wonder why you questioned your sense of smell in the first place because not only is there poop in there, but ALL over the place, so how could you have missed it?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | 5:26 AM

Yes, and I have twins, so I often have to sniff two butts in order to figure out where the smell is coming from.

J's Mommy | 7:45 AM

I don't even have to smell my baby's bottom ~ sometimes the stench is so awful you can sniff it a mile away. I do however find myself getting embarrassed by baby talk. Now, my little girl is almost 3. I should probably stop talking to her in a high-pitched voice but sometimes I can't help it. She can be so damn cute!

stefanierj | 5:23 PM

Sorry to be late to comment, but bloggah was not giving the love last night for some reason.

Usually the green cloud is enough to tip me off, but in times when it's not, oh HELL yeah, I sniff.

I HAVE discovered the peek-a-boo option, though, now that D is toddling. I could never figure out why they even made t-shirts for kids under two, and now I know. If he's wearing a t-shirt and not a onesie, I CAN DO A BOOTY CHECK WITHOUT THE SNIFF.

Suh-weet.

tAnYeTTa | 6:09 PM

Hilarious! Wow, I never thought of it until youmentioned it. I do it all the time. My nose catches a wiff and no matter where I am, I sniff! LOL I'msoooo glad i came across your page have no idea how i arrived here but, so glad i did. LOVE LOVE LOVE THE hat pictures. I'm a sucker for a well dressed manboy. Awwwwwww.......too cute.

the weirdgirl | 9:29 PM

I totally sniff butt. In fact I had put this very phenomenon on the Things They Don't Tell You list because I caught myself burying my nose in my child's ass.

It feels good not to care, doesn't it?

jess | 10:00 PM

i must still have pregnancy nose b/c i can smell when he has gone withoug having to put my nose to his butt...ahhh. a mother's instinct...

Carrie | 6:02 AM

Hello, my name is Carrie and I am an ass sniffer.

Christy | 4:05 PM

I've done it. Sometimes it's just gotta be done!

kittenpie | 6:27 AM

sure, if it's subtle enough you need to get up close, you get up close and sniff the tiny heinie like a dog. Of course, I also use the method of pulling the top of the diaper away from her body and peering down inside to see what I can see. But I don't change in public, just identify the need.

Gina | 12:22 PM

Is it sad that I am not in public long enough to be a butt sniffer? I change him before we leave then hurry and do the errands and run back home and change again. He's only fooled me with ghost poop like twice... otherwise there is no need to take a closer sniff.

Loved your quote: But the me of today would like to formally flip the me of yesterday the finger. --well put, I feel the same way!

Anonymous | 2:29 PM

Only a butt sniffer if I have a really bad cold, often not even then.

My littlest one's got such a long reach and a vicious punch to her farts and even more so with her solid contributions that I can tell instantly without butt-diving :)

Only problem is, so can others, some of whom don't even know her or us.

I assume if the lady at the next table in the restaurant says "Someone needs changed" and accurately diagnoses the difference between a poop and one of dd's flesh-eating farts, then that lady is or was a butt sniffer, though!

Unless of course we hear the classic Pfffffffftttt sound. Then we know to stay upwind......

MomE | 3:46 PM

Fortunately, my DH gave me 13 years of 'name that gas' training before we had kids. Now that we have a 2 yr old and a 3 month old, I'm a pro. I totally sniff butt. Yes, it's true. And I'm proud of it. How 'bout you? Ahahaaa!