Parenting As a Cripple...

...Sucks a really lot.

I wasn't always crippled. But after Saturday night's folding chair incident left me with a broken finger, missing fingernail and a what feels like a broken ass, I have been proven wrong.

Exhibit A: Crippled Three-finger Diaper Changing

My right pointer finger sticks out like a sausage and keeps accidentally poking little poops. Like most babies, Archer likes to wiggle and turn during diaper changes so while holding him down I am now picking up his legs with my pinky and thumb.

Exhibit B: Crippled Bathing

Forget bathing myself. It took me three tries to get the kid into the tub with one arm and washing a child with one hand, while the other hand is elevated above the head is a lot harder than it sounds. Getting Archer out of the tub required my getting completely in the tub, crying out in frustration and scooping him up with the help of my non-crippled knee.

Exhibit C: Strolling/Dog walking.

Pushing stroller with left hand and holding both dog leashes with my middle finger and I swear I didn't mean to flip off all of my neighbors. Forget baby poop. Picking up dog shit with the drag-bag-with-non-crippled-thumb-technique takes several minutes and ultimate concentration.

Exhibit D: Everything Else

Typing on a computer while trying to entertain a very demanding little person, feeding, opening baby-food containers, picking up dozens of toys being thrown at all time and OH GOD I GIVE UP!

GGC

10 comments:

Jadenfish | 3:14 PM

but you did mean to flip off some of your neighbors, right?

Kristen | 4:31 PM

Aw... how long will you be incapacitated?

PS "Crippled" is so 1982 - more like "person with finger injury" OR "person with hand disability"

Misfit Hausfrau | 6:53 PM

I can't even imagine how you are doing it. I can't manage to properly change my daughter on a good day and I HAVE all of my digits!

Jess Riley | 8:49 PM

Hilarious! "Horror Finger" Yikes! And I'm with Kristen: seems like they'd be calling it "temporary limited finger mobility." Even though cripple is so succinct and perfect.

Magpie K | 1:55 AM

Ouch! Hope you're better soon.

Mistry | 8:41 AM

hope your finger heals soon and archer work with mommy pluz..

laurenzo | 9:24 AM

as a cripple of nine years, myself, i'd like to say WELCOME to our exclusive and often differently abled club of social outcasts! xoxox!

(p.s. sorry bout the finger, darling. sucks. it'll be cool in no time.)

Kristen | 9:25 AM

I left you some terribly intelligent and thought provoking questions over at CHMB... and they can be answered sans a finger.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 9:33 AM

k- fascinating. i totally answered all them with my left hand. diggity.

and thanks, guys for the support. the worst part is that i keep banging it against doors or archer kicks it or... ok. i'm going to stop being a baby now, swear.

Kimmy | 3:40 PM

OUCH!

Parenting's hard enough!