Liner Note 9/10

A few months ago, I got lost. I don't know how it happened exactly or what ultimately led to my realization that I was nowhere to be found, but all of a sudden I felt panicked and alone and confused and empty. And then, as it so often happens, guilty, because how could I possibly feel empty when my life is so fucking full. So, I said nothing. I never say anything, I just kind of go to a corner and cry and then I get mad at myself for crying and then I stop crying and then when people ask how I'm doing I say, "fine. I'm fine" because relatively speaking I'm always fine. And then I nod a few too many times to overcompensate for my lack of feeling fineness and then someone, usually Hal, says, "what's wrong?" and then I say nothing a bunch of times until finally I burst into tears.


And then Hal tries to help and then I get mad because YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! Because he doesn't understand. I mean, he does but he doesn't, you know? He understands what I'm saying but we live in different bodies and we work in different professions and he isn't on his period all the time and and and.

A few days later, over conversation and coffee with a dear girlfriend who I hadn't seen in months c/o the insanity of life and inability to make the effort (shame on me) because of work and family and not prioritizing friendship, I found myself feeling... found.

Was it really that simple?

Yes. I think it was.

I spent the last year so focused on my family that I forgot about my friendships. I'd forgotten how important they were and how much I needed some one-on-one lady time. Because no matter how incredible this community dot com has been, I also have an incredible community of like minded women here! Women who don't live inside the computer! Friends whose hands I can hold, whose coffee cups I can bang mine against in toast! Friends I can talk to face to face and voice to voice! Amazing, incredible, insightful friends I spent the last twelve months overlooking. How did this happen? Why did this happen? What is wrong with me?

I felt infinitely times better when Molly left last week. I felt inspired and rejuvenated to get back to work on the projects I set aside this time last year, I felt excited for the girls to turn one and for all of us to move forward. But mostly, I felt relieved to know I wasn't alone. Grateful to know I had women like Molly behind me and in front of me and down the street. Women I want to see a lot more of. Women who are as instrumental to my happiness as the family I adore.

...And I thought it important to write about (this) because I assume I'm not alone, here. That most of us utilize social media at the risk of sacrificing relationships with people who exist outside of machines. People who hug with both arms. I know I do.

The success of twitter and facebook and instagram prove that, right? That we want to share? That we want to discuss and share and relate. That we want to follow and be followed and unfollow and then refollow and then unfollow. We don't even have to know people to feel like we know people... and yet... what of REALLY knowing people? What of letting people truly know us? Unfiltered and unedited, typos and all.

What of REALLY listening and responding and interrupting and apologizing and listening?

I used to make an effort to go out. To meet friends for lunch, a drink, and collaborate on creative things, to share and discuss and come together as women. Now? I'm lucky if I see a lady friend once every couple of months. But I have you guys. I have my blog! I have twitter and instagram so I can check in and see what everyone's up to. 

Whoa, what? Hold up wait a minute WHAT?

I am grateful every day for the Internet and its ability to bring us all together. For the strong voices that carry and inspire me online. But voices aren't the same as faces. Followers aren't the same as friends. Screens do not have arms.

And sometimes we all need a hug. From someone who isn't a husband or a wife or a child or another child or a @screenname.

We owe it to ourselves to get the hell out of the house and open our arms. We owe it to each other.



Anonymous | 2:51 PM

Yes. Sometimes I notice we lose our community or our friends for a time and don't feel it because we have our "friends" which still offer ideas and "conversation". However, I do notice that the communication through the Internet can never be the same as face to face because no matter the writer or blog or friend's status update, no matter the intention, it is often hard not to make it a comparison and actually leave the Internet friends feeling like wow, I'm a little bit less perfect than them...less crafty, less patient, less...and friends typically fill you up to feel like more. In some ways while the Internet offers inspiring conversation or ideas, it can also be a way to make more guilt!

Cecilia Marzo @Sacred_Mama | 5:13 PM

I would love to give myself that pleasure of logging out of my mommy group on Facebook and going out for fresh air. Except I have NOOO friends with kids. Being a young mom sucks particularly because of that reason. We're the first to have kids, and now it's time to look for new friends, which isn't always easy to do when your shy like myself. Lol Love the post, your a great mommy, remember to be a great you!

Zoƫ | 6:07 PM

Thank you for this....I had been battling the same feelings.

J from Ireland | 1:01 AM

Oh god, this is why I have been feeling shit lately, I need to make an effort to see my friends more, the people that really get me. Thank you so much for helping me understand me more. Fantastic post, thanks for sharing.