The Curious Incident With the Dead Cats Every Morning

Updated with crime notes below:

Lordy knows I'm not a cat person. At all. In fact I am borderline hateful of all things feline. I would rather mourn an ant, a spider or even a scorpion than a cat BUT I am in fact human, and after a week of dead cats on our street I am beginning to think I should do something. (The current damage = six dead cats in seven days.)

Our neighborhood is overrun with stray cats, you see. Cats that poop in our teensy-yard (not pleasant), cats that poop in everyone's teensy yards and they seem to have multiplied recently. (I'm guessing in one block we have nearly two dozen strays, not including those who have perished. RIP.)

I'm not sad that they're dead. I'm just a little grossed out. And afraid. For my own animals. No one fucks with my family and someone fucking with the neighborhood cats is getting a little too close to home j'aheard? (I know the sanitation dude by name now. It's Chuck.)

I have become somewhat of a detective and have three such theories of who is responsible for this strange and freaky incident.

1. My neighbor, who is currently a nervous wreck over the whole thing, might just be bluffing -- They are, after all, dying in her front yard, under her car, on the front steps. Her yard is very well-manicured and her entire extended family was up in arms today questioning me among other neighbors. It seems a little fishy, don't you think? Her perfectly manicured yard going to hell and a litterbox?

2. The nudist who lives behind us was a former catlady who's collection got out of control -- She's notorious for picking up the newspaper naked in the mornings and has one of those houses that reeks of patchouli and cheap scented candles (she keeps the doors open for some reason and is easy to spy on.) She has recently gone from cat person to dog person and is perhaps replacing the cats with, well, dead cats. She also lives directly behind the deadzone. Coincidence?

3. I am a witch-- I have said more than once, "Darn cats! Why don't you DIE ALREADY!" Maybe I accidentally killed them with my so-secret-I-don't-know-about-them-powers. Now I will experiment with certain violent thoughts about certain U.S. leaders.

I would have called some sort of authority by now but I have instead decided to solve the murder mystery myself. I have a camo-suit and some black paint. I'm not afraid to sleep-out in Archer's sailboat-sandbox. I also have rigged a motion detective system and a booby trap with a garden hose and two stepping-stones.

Time will tell, people. I will be updating this post with new news as soon as it comes. Viva la Junior Detective-ing!

11:22am Update: Thus far, no cats have been found dead, at least none that I have seen (I have gone on two stealth missions with my associate, Archer. Will be making the rounds again later this afternoon...)

7:03 Update: Today has been a slow day on the case. Archer and I hid out in the backyard for several hours but no suspicious behavior was seen or overheard. Our trusty dog, Watsoncooper didn't smell anything fishy besides Zadie's breath and the street was as quiet as a mouse. In fact, all through the day not a single cat was seen. Perhaps they decided to hide out? Either that or it' is indeed true what Junior Detective CryitOut said about the cat-cult. Why is it that the damn suicidal cults follow me around? (The Heaven's Gate creepy suicide-hale bob mission-thing happened not even a mile from where I grew up.) Regardless, this is my current theory but it could all change by morning. That is... If there IS a morning.

And now I shall smoke my pipe by the fireplace...



Bluepaintred | 5:26 AM

thta is rather freaky. watch archer doesnt eat anything weird outside, maybe someone is poisening them!

Mamalang | 6:10 AM

I'm voting for the nervous neighbor...they're probably poisoning them...better watch Archer! (Although the theory about Archer's tatoos is hilarious!)

Anonymous | 6:29 AM

Just a word of caution, while I am all for friendly neighbnorhood stalking, I would probably think twice about hiding out in the sandbox. Cats like to pee there more than little guys like to poop in the tub!

Sandra | 7:43 AM

Oh. my. god. Not a cat person either but I've never mustered up your witch powers. I say, blame it on the nude chick.

Anonymous | 7:45 AM

I think kittens are cute, but they turn into germy cats. My husband is allergic to them, so graciously we can't have one for a pet.

Wendy | 8:11 AM

What a mystery. I feel like I am watching an episode of CSI. Who did it? I am going to say the neighbor, whose yard is the scene of the crime. You know what they say, the first one to report the crime is usually the one who committed the crime.

Be careful and carry a big stick. You never know when you will have to beat the nekkid neighbor back into her house.

Avalon | 8:12 AM

Maybe my magic wishing powers lost their GPS. I have been wishing MY neighborhood strays dead in my mind. Somehow, my powers found their way to LA and my mind is picking off those nasty felines one by one!!

and no......not delusional much.


Junior Detectives UNITE!

And yes, the 'myserious incident of the dog in the night' is a great read. I enjoyed it. AND it's also a murder mystery of sorts. With a dog. When dogs die I am sad.

Jonathon Morgan | 11:26 AM

I sincerely hope that it's you, and somehow you've managed to project your cat hatred -- unknowingly -- onto all the cats next door.

We once lived in a an apt where the cat next door peed on the clothes we left outside to dry.

I wish THAT cat would've died.


Yes, These cats have made our backyard a litterbox and literally it pains us to even go there it's so stinky.

Karen Bodkin | 12:16 PM

I'm not a cat fan either. Not at all. Have fun, Detective! You should video-blog your detective-ness....that would be hilarious!

Kacey | 1:15 PM

I think I have it...
I suggest it was Colonel Mustard, in the Conservatory with the Candlestick.

Mom101 | 2:55 PM

Hilarious! While I do have a cat (who is the devil, as you know) stray cats are a species unto themselves.

I think you forgot option 4: a really committed neighborhood dog.

Anonymous | 2:59 PM

Maybe the cats are in a cult and it was just their time? It sounds freaky enough for that ....

مارية | 3:38 PM

Once on my old base in Georgia, where the barracks are home to more bats than humans, bats started dropping dead left and right. And if they didn't straight up die, they crawled sickly around on the ground until death arrived.

Ugh. Oh, and the local foxes were also looking shabby and death-like. Maybe some weird disease going around, I don't know.

I don't have a point. Just wanted to share my creepy-animals-dying story. :-)

Zoe | 4:53 PM

It's so obviously #1. Protest too much and all that, you know? I hate cats too.

kittenpie | 5:09 PM

That's horrible and scary, and not just because I love cats, but also because that is one disturbed individual. Seriously, are there any children or teens in the area? Because nearly all serial killers start out by torturing and killing animals when they are young. I dont' mean to be alarmist and all, but I'd be looking pretty hard for that catkiller before it gets worse.

MrsFortune | 6:15 PM

You totally crack me up. I want photos of Archer in the Sherlock Holmes hat with the pipe, dude. You'll crack the case, I know it. Don't give up, Encyclopedia Brown!

Anonymous | 7:13 PM

I got your back...the only good cat is a dead or at least terminally ill cat.

Anonymous | 7:38 PM

I too live in L.A. and Yes, thers is a huge stray cat problem here. I see them all over my neighbirhood and it makes me very sad.

I was always a dog person from the time I was little, had up to 5 and they were and still are my best friends to date.....................

But, when I moved out on my own, I could'nt afford a place big enough to accomodate a dog :( and I got lonely. I decided to try out the elusive cat as my new best friend.
I spent all day at the kittie pound trying to pick out the perfect one. Not too shy. Not too crazy. Not too sickely. Ya know, I had never done this before and was pretty nervous. I had all about givin up when I noticed a kitten way up high ( I'm 5' tall) on the top shelf of the asylum. He was all alone, just looking around. Kinda like me. So I asked if I could hold him for a minute to see if we bonded. I gave him a scratch under his little chin and he looked up at me and said "mommy".
That was a year ago, and now he acts just like a dog. Fetching balls easily. Now I can happily call myself a Cat Lover. Cat's are sooo human like and should never be treated any less.
I would count on the stray dog theory. We had a pack of strays run wild thru our neighborhood a few months ago. They chased and then corned the cats up all on one persons front door step..... we witnessed the dogs running away and everything...kinda creepy.

foodiemama | 8:23 PM

said it isnt so..i loves me the kitties...hope we can still be friends, hehe! still i think i really only love my cat, baby mama, because she is half human and thats kinda cool!
gus and i will help you on a stake out, definitley!

Anonymous | 9:40 PM

The DeCon weenie strikes again! Somebody is definitely fed up with the cats. Nekkid Lady might be knocking them off to make a fur coat but Chuck keeps beating her to them.-Bama mom


Hahahaha! Good call! That rat-bastard, Chuck!