Cry Like You Mean It

All I have done for the past two weeks is cry. My hypersensitivity is only magnified by the little things in life that move me and/or break my heart. Like the moment I ran into my old friend, a couple weeks ago. I've always been a crier, but bawling in public? Not so typical. The bad review(s) haven't helped, obviously. It's hard enough to wake up and work on something that most likely will never see the light of day, even harder when the one book that has a release date is being swatted at like a fly.

It's hard enough to press on, against the odds, to find confidence in the cracks of doubt. To get up every morning and work and hope and feel good about working, hoping... Without the added pressure of eye-rolls and name-calling.
I always hated those booths at carnivals, the ones where the guy sits on the platform over the water and for two tickets (and good aim) you can dunk him in the pool of dirty water. I never thought (until now) that it was his own damn fault for volunteering to get dunked. Instead I just felt sorry for the guy and how every time he climbed back up to where it was dry, he would get dunked again.

I do realize I've volunteered to get dunked. Rejected. Called out. I'm not supposed to care what people think but I can't help it. Especially right now when even a dirty look throws me into a tailspin. A song on the radio causes me to pull over and sob in my hands. A less than friendly phone-conversation and I'm face down on my bed, howling.

I want to blame all this on hormones. That under normal circumstances I'd be swimming in the filth of the dunk-tank, smiling. Flipping off the bullies and shrugging off the bad days, climbing back on the platform, ready to take it all on, the good and the bad. The love and the loathing. But maybe that's a cop-out. Maybe that's just me making excuses for the fact that I miss old friends. And I care what people think. And I really don't want to be nice to everybody all the time, especially those who talk a lot of game with no follow-through. And I worry about stuff even though I say to everyone, all the time "don't worry so much! Everything will work out! It always works out!"

I know, I know... I know.

I'm not usually such a sad bastard. I'm really known for being quite cheery under normal circumstances. But right about now I just want to stop pushing, and selling and pitching and faking my way though "everything's awesome! Thanks for asking!" and take a long nap. No more spinning wheels in the mud. I want to hide from the dunk-tank. I want to go through the day without having to reapply mascara.

Hey, Bec? You have black streaks all over your face."

"I do? Oh. Let me go wash my face."

Ah, well... Maybe tomorrow.

GGC

34 comments:

Anonymous | 12:13 PM

I agree. I sucks to have to be the chipper, happy go lucky one all the time. Sometimes you just gotta be sad.

Much love to you GGC and to the embryo.

caramama | 12:31 PM

Everything is just so magnified when you are pregnant, too! And it's hard to put yourself out there for everyone to see and dunk. Just remember, there are a lot of people who read you ever day and get inspiration, comfort, amusemnt, and so much more from your words. :-)

mfk | 12:55 PM

i feel ya, bec. Having to be nice to people you don't want to be nice to sucks... and pretending to be happy when you're not sucks more. It's probably partly hormones and partly just life in general... some days that kind of shit is easier to take than others. Go take that long nap if possible, and feed that GGEmbryo some chocolate, or carbs, or something. And from one I-don't-take-my-own-advice girl to another... don't worry. everything will work out. it always does, and you know it :). of course, that doesn't mean it's always easy to believe.

Anonymous | 1:21 PM

i'm pregnant too, and totally know what you're feeling. dont worry, your book will be fine (the library i work at has already had advance requests) and yours is the only ggc that matters!

Trysha | 1:22 PM

It's okay to not be happy all the time, sometimes your cheeks need the break. It sucks when you try to be nice and shit gets thrown back at you. Fucking poo-flinging monkeys!!

Everyday you inspire me and amaze me.

***I thought *they* were changing "their" name. WTF?

merlotmom | 2:49 PM

I've been reading your blog for a few days now and enjoying it very much. Though I have, as yet, only had one essay published (others rejected), I feel for you. We writers put our insides out there, which can be defined as either a selfish or selfless act, and risk getting loved or crushed. It's a sucky part of what we do but what else would we do? Try to embrace the positive, process the negative, and unless you feel the criticism is worthy of a lesson learned, kick it to the fucking curb. I got all great comments and one mean-spirited one for my essay, and the nasty one really stuck with me. After a while, I realized that person was already angry and I just became a target. Hope I've helped in some small way. I will check out your book. And yes, of course, much of your sadness is from HORMONES. They're a bitch.

Lou | 4:22 PM

It's hard dealing with the rejection, public opinions.
Maybe don't read the reviews?
I know they are going to be full of great things as well, maybe just not till you get in the 2nd trimester ;)
My hubby has had his share of public reviews and it makes me blush and want to beat someone up at the same time.

Becky | 4:37 PM

It's such a hard feeling, opening yourself up like that. I give you mad props (when was the last time you heard THAT phrase?) for doing it in the first place. It takes balls and it takes guts, both of which you appear to have in excess (which is why I like you so much).

You're doing a great job, and I can't wait to get my grubby hands on a copy of this book. If I'm nice, will you autograph it for me?

Chag | 4:44 PM

You know the person in the dunk tank is also supposed to rile the crowd and mock the person with the ball, right?

I can't wait to read your book!

Scar | 6:09 PM

i love you. I'm coming to see you soon and bring tea and fun. xx

Green | 6:20 PM

What I notice is that for me at least, it's a cycle.

First, everything really is fine, and anything not fine just rolls off my back.

Then, it's a little not fine, but I'm pretending it's rolling off my back.

Something snaps, and all that stuff is rolling onto me, crushing me and I can't deal.

And finally, the storm simply passes, and I get up and decide I've had enough and start fighting back.

After a while I calm down, and nothing bothers me anymore because it simply doesn't really matter in the bigger scheme of things.

Anonymous | 7:15 PM

try not to get discouraged in a world that tries its best to make sure you stay that way. you are undoubtedly, the most thoughtful and eloquent (yeah! i said eloquent! with humor and honesty comes eloquence..) writer i have had the privelage of reading. you will make it through this slump. it is okay to, every once in a while, stop being a super mom/wife/writer. take some time out (if thats possible.) and do something you love to do but you miss doing. you wont regret it. i hope you start feeling better.

-ashley

Liam's Mom - Gina | 10:18 PM

You spoke what my heart is feeling tonight (for completely different reasons). I love your writing GGC... you always speak to me. Happy or sad, you say what I need.

And I love how you cover all your bases so people don't call you on the stuff you already know.

Admiration,
Gina

Marissa | 5:35 AM

I think ( and hope) that this is a temporary feeling. One that will be replaced with renewed strength and attitude. It is perfectly acceptable to need a break from it all...you have a lot on your plate. Just realize, as many readers have already pointed out, that your site and your writing speaks to many of us in a genuine way. Being so candid and so sharp witted you take the emotions we all feel as mothers and weave those feelings into a story that we all feel a part of. This emotional roller-coaster, while tough for you, is another chapter. One that we can relate to in some way. Just know that there are so many of us here cheering you on, and reading your words with the same admiration we've always had.
Maybe even more.

Anja | 8:20 AM

oh i feel your pain... sometimes it makes me think tho, when people ask 'how are you?' they dont actually want to know. a lot just say it to be polite, they dont want to know 'sorry no im not. im actually pants, ive had a shitty weekend and my love life aint working out at all' what they wanna hear is 'yes im great thanks!' so they come off their duty and are still able to call themselves polite. shallow world..
ive been a silent reader on here for two years now and i sincerely wish you all the best!

jmoetruden. | 8:51 AM

My first hi: hi! I found you through Babble and have enjoyed your writing ever sense. To my Husband, you are my version of Alternadad... Anyway. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and couldn't be more exhausted, sad, unmotivated and helpless. I keep hearing that it will all go away in a month and to be honest, I feel bad for feeling this way in the first place. Shouldn't I be elated; bouncing off the walls and planning a nursery? No. Not yet, at least. I keep trying to remind myself that what is happening is completely out of my hands. I'm a good person, I trust that I have pretty damn good karma and in the end... things will unfold beautifully. They always do.

Anonymous | 9:25 AM

OK, I'm just going to say it (and I don't even have pregnancy to blame for this), but wtf is up with those other "girls"? Seriously. They are sorry if people mistook you for them? That they never liked the name anyways, it's a stupid name? Oh, riiight, they are using sarcasm and aren't serious. Well, they aren't using it very well (or any other rhetorical device either). How 'bout you got pwned, biatches? Or, you know, be an adult about it (unlike, well, me) and admit you screwed up. No, wait, they did do that. For all of two seconds.

Ah, screw it. The original GGC pwned your soul "girls" and you are made of fail, so suck it.

~Aurelia

Elaine&Haley | 9:45 AM

Rebecca,

We're not sure what you mean by "talk a lot of game with no
follow-through." You never contacted us directly but instead, wrote a post about our site on Feb. 4, 2008.

We contacted you THAT DAY, explained the situation, and offered to change our name - which we are doing. In fact, our current post on www.girlgonechild.com explains to our readers that we are changing the name.

We have been nothing but accomodating and really don't understand why you are instigating a conflict, that in our minds, doesn't exist. We're
changing the name. What else do you want from us?

Obviously our demographics are quite different and that's fine with us.

Elaine and Haley

LD | 10:28 AM

Reviews don't necessarily matter. You already have a public-- one that's rooting for you and is waiting for the day that the book is sitting on a shelf so we can rush out and buy it. Besides, as someone who researches stuff like this for a living, I can say on pretty good authority that most of the greatest authors of our time had terrible reviews on their first book. The sales will show just how wrong the reviewers are.

EW | 11:03 AM

Rebecca-
I just want to say HOW EXCITED I am for your book-I've been waiting for a while now, and will wait as long as it takes! I was so excited to see you're doing a book tour, and hope you make an apperance in your home neck of the woods (Go North County!) I've been following your blog for a few years now (even back when you had PTSF) and think you.are.simply.amazing, a very talented writer and an amazing woman. And it's OK to cry!

Anonymous | 11:27 AM

This probably isn't the best place to inquire, but does this mean the blog now located at girlgonechild, written by "Girls Gone Child", is ANOTHER great mind thinking alike? I'm confused...

Anonymous | 11:33 AM

Sorry - I'm the last anonymous commenter. The site I'm confused about is a blogspot address.

I see the dot com bloggers still haven't changed their name even though it's so "dumb." The maturity level over there leaves a bit to be desired.

ALEXA YOUNG | 3:02 PM

Oh, Bec! I've been right there with you--yes, while preggo, but through many other long days/weeks/months/years too! Life is just an overwhelming, emotional rollercoaster rife with supreme highs and belly-churning lows. All's I can say is that I've never written anything quite so enlightened, eloquent and lovely as what you just did while I'm in a major funk. Even when down, you are up my homie. BIG HUGS AND LOVE TO YOU! Let's play soon. XOXO

Anonymous | 3:07 PM

i'm sure bad reviews do suck. but do YOU think you put out a quality book? or did you rush and put out a piece of shit? if you did the best you could then that's all that matters because, as someone else said, you have people who read you every day and LOVE your writing. i can't imagine that just because it's on paper it sucks. who are the reviewers anyway? are they people who can relate? people who think that poop is funny? if they don't then this book really isn't for them. either that or we all really have bad taste, in which case you don't have to worry because we'll buy your book :) hahahaha! hang in there.
jjlibra

Wishful Mommy | 8:53 PM

Just another long-time reader here who adores your writing and cannot wait to read your book! I want to just throw some support and love your way today. I am a very emotional person so I understand the crying. And of course hormones add to it. That's okay to say. It is normal! I know you know everything will be alright. Just reminding you.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 9:32 PM

Thank you.

Anonymous | 6:37 AM

The 'other' GGC have a comment on their blog about it, so they do seem intent on changing the name. You just have to click a bit to see it -- http://girlgonechild.com/blog/?p=80

Keep your hopes (and positive vibes) up!
~h

Jen | 8:21 AM

Rebecca,

I too, want to let you know how much I love your writing and am excited to buy your book. You always inspire me! I'm not even pregnant and feel like boo-hooing every day-Because I hate my crappy job. You are doing what you love. There's a reason to smile right there! Plus-You're havin' a baby!!! Yay!!! I'll smile for you!

Miss Britt | 12:03 PM

My mom always tells me

"Don't fight it. Sometimes you just have to cry."

The tears will come eventually. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let it wash over you for a while.

Anonymous | 9:20 PM

I am confused are you leaving? Who the hell is GGC?
Why do you have 2 sites. This is so fusterating. I will miss you... but why leave in the middle of having another little baby? Are you Haley or Erin? or Nathan? I dont know what I am reading anymore. This sucks! :( (from a very discouraged reader of 3 years)

Anonymous | 9:22 PM

Tell Archer cool dude! We will miss you. Will you open another blog?

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 10:47 PM

I'm not going anywhere, anon. I think you're a little confused.

Leah | 4:47 PM

Here's what I've learned working in publishing: PW is popular but it is not in any way respected. Not only is the rag a mess of typos every week, but the last time they published something on the company I work for, there were five factual mistakes in about 200 words. They even got the name of the company wrong. I'm not sure who they employ there, but I think the range is between asshat and assclown.

I'm still looking forward to your book, and I'm still ordering extra copies to share with friends and family.

Darcy | 9:42 AM

well, i, for one, love your writing and your words and your stories! and obviously most people do. critics blow. they are just wanna-be-writers really who were too scared or pessimistic to put themselves out there. they LIVE in the dunk tank, underwater.