Girl of my Dreams

I didn't want a daughter. I always figured I'd grow up and have babies. Boys, only boys, I said to myself and out loud. I would be a natural mother to boys. Me with my fart jokes and inability to function in large groups of women. Me with my love for skateboards and cannonballs and snakes and spiders. Me who always preferred boys as friends and roommates and confidantes.

Women are supposed to want girls. Especially after they've already given birth to boys but the concept of mothering a daughter always frightened me. What if boys were mean to her when she was older, called her a dog (woof! woof!) while the girls called her "ugly" to her face during her awkward years? What if she became popular as she aged, even pretty, so that the older boys liked her and the older girls hated her, threw eggs at her face at parties, graffitied DIE SLUT on her garage door with chocolate syrup. (Remind me to tell you the story about how the most popular girls are always the most unpopular.)

What if in High School she decided to hate me? Told me to go fuck myself, slammed the door in my face, like I did my own mother throughout my teen years. What if she had her heart broken, locked herself in bathrooms, flirted with older men so they would buy her beer? What if she went on to hang out with drug addicts, had to watch them die, drove too fast. What if she fell in love before her heart was mature enough to handle a fracture, was taken advantage of by bad men who were old enough to know better than to touch her, hurt her, convince her that she was worthless, turn her inside out of her mind.

What if she became... me?

What if I was unable to guide her through the torrential downpour that is adolescence and beyond? What if I forgot how it felt to be a girl becoming a woman? What if I punished her wrongfully and she was never able to trust me again?

............................................................

After giving birth to Archer, I never knew what to do around little girls. I never knew how to act around friend's daughters, so rarely did I spend time with small children who weren't boys. Who weren't Archer or his friends, but one day, a couple years ago, I met a little girl. A daughter of a friend of Hal's and she liked me. We all met at a restaurant and the girl brought a book she was reading and immediately started telling me all about it and how much she appreciated fantasies.

"I especially like fantasy books with animal characters," she said so I asked her if she knew of the Redwall Series books, because those were my favorite when I was her age. Mossflower especially. She had never heard of them before so she asked me to spell the author's name for her as she carefully wrote it down in a little spiral notepad.

We spent the whole evening talking as friends, about animals and books and boys and our favorite kind of pizza and for the first time I thought to myself I could have a daughter. Little girls aren't so scary.

On our way home from dinner I told Hal that I wasn't afraid of having a daughter anymore.

"I didn't know you were ever afraid. I just thought you didn't like girls."

..............................................................
(Dear Fable)

I had a feeling you were in there the moment I peed on the pregnancy test. Even when you were only a bundle of cells I dreamt I had a daughter and she was running and laughing and blonde and you.

"I think its a girl," I said to your father. "I had a dream."

And Hal laughed because I'm always having dreams and there are always "signs" and I'm always talking about good omens (today I found all of these quarters in the coin return of the parking meter so I rushed home and proclaimed WE'RE RICH!) and I shrugged and said "just watch. It's a girl and she's going to have blonde hair like in my dream."

And your dad made a face like I was crazy and said "we'll see about that."

six months pregnant with you

I was right about the dream. About you being a girl and when the ultrasound tech said "Congratulations! It's a girl!" I said "I know!" like I was psychic or something. And I drove home from the doctor's appointment hunched over my steering wheel, nervous. Excited, of course but also nervous and even scared out of my mind because holy shit, I was going to have a daughter.

That night I had another dream about you and your hair was still blonde and you were once again laughing except this time you were chasing me. And in the dream I was crying because I was laughing so hard and it felt so real that I woke up and looked for you in the darkness. Forgetting you were with me. In me. And for whatever reason, just knowing that made me feel Safe. Less afraid.

You played in my dreams every night after that. Playing peek-a-boo behind trees, leading me out of the rain on one occasion, and by the time I went into labor many months later, I was no longer (not even a little bit) afraid. Not of giving birth to a daughter. Not of you or becoming your mother. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life was but a dream.

And then you were here and I wanted to punch myself in the face for ever thinking for a second that I didn't want a daughter. That I didn't want a little girl. That I didn't totally and absolutely need you as my child.

I was instantly changed in that hospital room, the moment the nurse handed you to me, under the delivery lights, my blood still thick in your hair, your mouth searching for me, lost and found. You're presence was familiar, like we had met before, like we had known each other since the beginning of time. (Maybe we have.)


...and now

It's amazing how wrong a person can be about things. About herself and what she wants. About her ability to be someone, to love something. Until you were born I was jealous of the boys and the fun they got to have. A reluctant woman in isolation, little desire to make girlfriends or pursue female relationships that extended beyond the surface. Closed little clam, I smiled and waved and faked my way through social functions, befriending few, keeping secrets from most. "Girls suck," I mumbled, expecting every woman I met to pull me down, knock me over, throw eggs and chocolate syrup. Guilty until proven innocent.

Girls don't suck anymore.


In my dreams you were faceless and now I know why. I never would have believed such beauty was possible.

like magic, you are.

It is my greatest honor to be your guide for as long as you'll have me.

Thank you (Dear Fable) for being mine.

GGC

113 comments:

Christina | 10:04 AM

This speeks to me, deeply. I have one 16 month old boy and am terrified of having a girl. I dont want one, acutally. If I knew I would have another boy for sure I'd already be pregnant. But after reading this it helps. It helps to hear that I can be wrong and that I could love her as much as I do my boy- I dont know if I can but to know that "maybe" that's huge progress.
Thank you for sharing this.

Steph | 10:09 AM

This is beautiful. Thank you for this.

Crystal | 10:13 AM

Gorgeous. Made me cry.

I so desperately want a girl. And reading this has confirmed it even more.

Fable is lucky to have you.

I'm sending the link to my mother. We share such a bond, such a connection - she is one of my best friends. She is one reason I want a daughter so badly. I want to be a mother like her.

erynchandler | 10:13 AM

you two are so beautiful! this post was so freakin' sweet. fable will love reading it when she can comprehend how much you love her!!!

i love her outfits...you can tell you dress her. her leg warmers and endless hats are yum!

MeganMK | 10:16 AM

You made tears spring to my eyeballs! I love this, your words are beautiful. I have a little boy, I like to throw him around, roll on the ground wrestling with him, hang him upside down, run around the house with him and hear him scream with delight. I often wondered if I had a little girl, would she enjoy our rough housing like my son? It scares me to think I'll have a girl next, that's what I feel in my bones, in my womb and in my heart, I just feel like a little girl will be making her way into my life soon. I could also be slightly crazy but I don't care. Little girls scare me too, all my friends have little girls and I just smile from a distance, careful not to get to close for fear of breaking them. I thought about all the things I went through as a teenage girl when I first became pregnant and pleaded with the Goddesses above that they would not send me a little girl because I wasn't ready for her, not yet. Now I feel like I am. What you shared makes me feel even MORE ready. Thank you! Fable is such a gem, such a little darling. She's lucky to have you as a wonderful guide and Mother. I'm sure you'll get her through those tough years just fine, sewing back together the pieces of her heart that are sure to be broken at some point, just as all of ours has.

Erin, Nick and Merrick | 10:18 AM

Lovely-
I feel like I will bear boys as well, having already had one.
I think I am a "boys" mom-
We shall see.
Maybe there is magic waiting for me.

Maternal Mirth | 10:19 AM

Ditto. It's all I gotz. Dit-TOE!

Little Miss Moi | 10:29 AM

Lovely words. I love my little girl more than I ever thought I could. Or would. She's only a month older than Fable, and sometimes when she looks at me I just want to cry. And sometimes I do!

Fable looks so lovely and chubby and just delicious.

I notice you're wearing the same shirt in the six-month photo. What brand is it? I like clothes that cross the chasm from pregnancy to normal!

the spotted duck | 10:32 AM

You continue to expand and redefine my notion of what it will mean to be a parent one day, specifically what it means to be a young parent. I always wanted kids. Now I crave them.

Lorien | 10:38 AM

Great post. I grew up with three brothers and always preferred boys to girls. My mantra was that girls just didn't make good friends. Until I realized that I was a great friend and I was a girl. Now I have a nine-year-old daughter, and she has taught me how magical girls can be.

Hilary | 10:41 AM

Love, loved this post. Girls never sucked. You and Fable are gorgeous!

valentina | 10:44 AM

why do I always have to cry when I ready your posts?

thanks.

valentina

Fraulein | 11:09 AM

I have a four-year-old girl and I feel kind of the same way about boys. If by some miracle I ever get pregnant again and have a boy, I won't know what to do with him! But I suppose you live and learn, right?

What a lovely and inspiring post, as always. And Fable dresses better than I could ever hope to. Such cute clothes! Such an adorable little girl!

SuZ | 11:16 AM

Oh holy hell Batman... I'm crying now. I'm crying and wanting very much to go wake up my daughter from her nap and hold her.

You've listed all of my fears, but just like you, I fell in love and forgot them all. :)

Thank you for sharing this, seriously. Even though I look swollen now, thank you. :)

jiveturkey | 11:19 AM

Oh my lord, this is beautiful and made me cry.

I am 8 months pregnant with my first, and before I found out she was a girl, I was TERRIFIED at the prospect of having a daughter - for the exact same reasons you mentioned.

Now I can't imagine this baby being anything but my daughter. I really can't wait to meet her.

Meagan | 11:29 AM

Thank you. I'm the same girl. I just found out I'm pregnant. Thank you.

~Meagan

http://www.takereasydude.blogspot.com/

Nichole | 11:30 AM

This made me cry, too. I had a baby girl almost three weeks ago. I NEVER wanted to have a girl. I had a horrible relationship with my own mother, and have always had a bit of a broken heart about it. I swore I was pregnant with a boy. I refused to believe two "it's a girl!" ultrasound results. On the third, when I finally saw definitive proof that she was, in fact, a she...I cried my eyes out the whole ride home. But I quickly realized that this girl had not taken my boy's place. She was with me all along, I was talking to HER when she was just a tiny gummy bear inside me. And she is exactly what I needed. Being her mother is my opportunity to heal my own heart. I was so afraid to be my mother, for her to be me. But I know that we will just be *us*. Thanks for this entry. <3

Elizabeth | 11:36 AM

So precious. I cannot wait to hopefully have a girl.

... | 11:41 AM

As the parent of a girl (16) and a boy (14), I say "don't fear the teen years!" The incredibly strong foundation you are creating now with Fable will serve you well. My daughter nothing short of awesome.

Cave Momma | 11:43 AM

Beautiful words. Beautiful baby.

Christy | 11:44 AM

This was beautiful. I too never wanted a girl. The first time I got pregnant, I prayed and prayed that I would have a little boy - they were all I knew. I too liked to hang with the boys, give me a group of rowdy, farting boys to hang out with any day over a group catty, spiteful women. I feel so much more comfortable with boys.

But now I am pregnant again, and this time it is a girl. Like you, I knew from the time i peed on the stick, this is going to be a girl I told myself. And I was right. I have had one dream about my daughter and I got a glimpse of what she may look like, be like, feel like. And when I woke up, she seemed more real to me. And I was a little less afraid.

I think my major concern was that I would fail her, not that she wouldn't mean the very world to me, but that I would not be enough to guide her and teach her and love her for who she was, or to give her what she needed to be successful at life. She will be here in about 8 weeks, and now I am ready, I can't wait to meet her and share her with her big brother and her father. I can't wait to hold her and love her, and I just pray that I am enough. That she will love me for me, and be happy with me, as I am.

Rock It | 11:50 AM

Omg....ok so you almost made me cry... I was so scared of having a girl too...I even prayed to have a boy and when I found out it was a girl I sort of panicked. But when I had her and saw her beautiful face there was that moment like you said...where it's almost as if you've known each other forever. I'm thankful for having her. This was a beautiful post and your daughter is gorgeous.

lifeawaiting.blogspot.com

bea | 11:54 AM

I've always been afraid to admit that I wanted kids, that I wanted to be a mom. At 33 I finally admitted it, to no surprise of my husband, and at 35 we're still waiting for a miracle.

Your stories of Archer and Fable only confirm for me the joy and happiness (and, yes, hard work) that children will bring.

Since I've only just got to 'yes I want kids' , I'm struggling with boy or girl.

Stephanie | 11:58 AM

That was absolutely beautiful... and so is your daughter.

Sonya | 12:30 PM

That was beautiful. Truly, truly wonderfully written and a joy to read.
Sonya

Nakia | 12:43 PM

Absolutely beautiful. :)

Amanda | 12:49 PM

You have really articulated a lot of how I feel about having a daughter (mine is 18 months). So many worries - because we KNOW how hard it can be to grow up as a girl) but yet I am so, SO happy that I have a daughter. Fable is a lucky girl!

Karen | 12:54 PM

I LOVE my baby girl! Thank you for putting this feeling into words.

Keely | 12:56 PM

What a beautiful post!

I really loved that Redwall series too, I hadn't thought about those books since now :)

Don Mills Diva | 1:01 PM

My god this was beautiful.

As someone who may never be able to have another child, it broke my heart.

But reading it was still worth it.

Julia Rizzolo Blackman, | 1:11 PM

I have two girls and I can say that, the older they get, the better it becomes. One is a tomboy (3) and the other (4) is very girly. It couldn't be better.
Your words were so true, they really touched me.

X

Amber (cardassianvole) | 1:17 PM

This speaks to me deeply as well.

I wonder if there's something about June 17th girls that makes them...well, allergic to girls? :P I barely have any female friends and I feel this huge gulf between me and nearly ALL women. I just can't relate to them. I used to be able to when I was younger, but since I have become an adult in particular I've been less able to do so. I don't know. It's weird! Almost all of my friends in the bay area are gay, or at least partially so (but so am I). But anyway.

I fear having a girl as well because of the very reasons you mention. I am so glad to read that it really just doesn't matter. I can imagine myself being best friends with my daughter, should I have one, but I really hope she doesn't keep asking me why all of my friends are gay men. :P

But seriously. Your words resonate with me so much that it's almost eerie--especially this part: "A reluctant woman in isolation, little desire to make girlfriends or pursue female relationships that extended beyond the surface. Closed little clam, I smiled and waved and faked my way through social functions, befriending few, keeping secrets from most. "Girls suck," I mumbled, expecting every woman I met to pull me down, knock me over, throw eggs and chocolate syrup"

WOW. You could have taken that right out of my HEAD!''

xo Rebecca

Wendy Woolf | 1:18 PM

Never forget that this is how your mommy feels about YOU!! :)

xxxooo Love, Gooey

JessicaToday | 1:26 PM

Your honest words choke me up every time. Its like I can feel your passion and warmth for your dollbaby daughter reverberating off the page. Its deliciously beautiful.

cmargato | 1:26 PM

it is deeply beautiful

sweetmelissa818 | 1:54 PM

I love your baby! I also love that you're wearing the same shirt in both the before and after pics!

Susan | 2:23 PM

She is....a muffin. Your post -- as lovely as it is -- stings for me. I am infertile and came to the conclusion after much ambivalence that I didn't really want kids anyway. It stings because I'm afraid underneath it all that I will forever be stunted, in the way you were before Fable. I guess by stunted I mean the closed clam thing. You've bloomed. I'm still a mollusk.

TKTC | 2:28 PM

I've had those same feelings, remembering only what a troll I was to my own mother rather than the relationship we have now. And the relationships I have with all of my girlfriends now that I'd want for whatever kind of children I end up with (boy/girl/gay/straight).

And yes, Fable is one beautiful baby. Particularly with all these fabulous hats!

CookFamily | 2:57 PM

What a gift this post is. Thank you for expressing so eloquently how I feel when I look at my own little one. I have the same fears, complete with DIE SLUT in syrup. Fable is a lucky girl to have you to love her so completely.

Carmen | 3:02 PM

The first four paragraphs could have been written by me. Absolutely. I have a son who will be 3 in April and when we were thinking of having another I never wished so hard for a boy in all my life. And now I have a little girl who was born just a few weeks before Fable. I was terrified when the ultrasound tech said it was a girl, even though I knew it was a girl - I could feel it. I wish I had those great dreams as I must confess I'm still terrified of raising a girl. It scares me every day, even though I wouldn't, couldn't imagine ever not having my daughter in our family. I love her so so much. But I'm trying to ignore the fact that one day she'll be a teenager.

Girl Friday | 3:04 PM

I have been fortunate enough to be saved twice by having a girl...two daughters that have healed me in ways I never dared to dream of.

Thank you for sharing this. As always, you hit the nail on the head.

Anonymous | 3:07 PM

I found your blog through a friend's about a year ago. I am not a mother, but wonder if it's my cards someday. Thank you for all of your beautiful writing. Especially this post, it just arrowed straight to my heart. I have the same fears and dreams that you did about being a mother to a daughter, and your words really meant something to me today. Thank you, and blessing on you and your beautiful family.

TriSaraTops | 3:10 PM

I loved this. Totally, TOTALLY can relate, except I don't have my second child--yet.

Thanks for sharing.

minniemama68 | 3:30 PM

I have 3 boys. And that's ok. I consider myself lucky. But reading your post, it kindve brought out my yearning for a daughter. I love my mil's name and told her so. When she was dying, I promised her that when I had a daughter, I'd name her Josephine.
I'm glad I have boys, but times like this, I wish I had the chance to mother a daughter. I know it won't happen, cuz these eggs are old and we have enough on our plate but man.....
You are blessed, and in the best way, because you see how lucky you are.

lauren roberts | 4:34 PM

so sweet.
never cheesy.
just purely from your heart.
i love it.

Heather | 4:40 PM

This post made me tear up while I was reading it at work, it's just lovely and awesome and great.

courtney | 5:05 PM

That was gorgeous and thank you for sharing. I feel the same way about having a boy. I have my girl, but... I'm scared of having a boy. I don't know what to do with them!

This Must be the Place . . . | 5:09 PM

Wow. This is really inspiring; I've been wanting to write my son a similar letter. I cried when I found out I was having a boy -- convinced it was a girl, that it MUST be a girl, for the love all that makes sense in the world. I was afraid of having a boy because I envisioned him turning into one of the men I'd dated: irresponsible, disrespectful, angry, emotionally stunted, addicted. I've met too many a man with these characteristics and few who don't possess them. Friends told me to embrace the challenge -- to raise a stellar boy. So that's what I'm attempting to do. Still, I desperately hope the next one is a girl; we'll have only two, so it's my last shot. :)

Ashley K | 5:18 PM

Beautiful. I love the last photo of Fable.

Hailey | 5:37 PM

I teared up a little. Thank you for making me smile today.

Casey | 5:44 PM

I couldn't have said it any better myself. I have two sons and 10 months ago had my last child, a girl. I've always been a tomboy and never got along well with other women. I was terrified of having a daughter. Now I can't imagine life without my Brooke. I love my sons, but my love for her is different. It's like she's already my best friend. Thanks for writing this down and putting it out there.

abi | 5:50 PM

I'm totally bawling. I feel the exact same way. Thanks so much for saying it better.

Allison the Meep | 5:50 PM

That was so beautiful, and made me get all weepy.

Juggle Jane | 5:54 PM

Lordy lady....I am in a puddle at my desk. That was beautiful!
I can't wait to meet this angel!!

Caitlin | 6:11 PM

Rebecca,
I love you.
Your love for your kids is palpable and so moving, and I know that even when the dreaded teenaged days come to pass, your kids will know that they were always loved and adored by you.

Heathir | 7:17 PM

Can I borrow this? It is almost exactly what I want to say to my daughter, what I want her to know.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts like this.

Isabella's Mommy. . . | 7:18 PM

Thank you for writing this. . . I have my own angel too. My daughter is 14 months old and is my life, but I am terrified I will ruin her in some way or another. I am excited, yet scared to death for the future with her.

dgurl7 | 8:23 PM

tell me about it. i (literally) barfed in the dr.'s office during the ultrasound when it was revealed i was having a girl. i was THAT utterly terrified of having a girl. what a dummy. thank god i'm not making all the decisions for my life :-)

ps. i love how you can see her (fable's) little clothes hanging up in the background. so sweet.

Ray | 9:17 PM

Being a new reader of yours, so far, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever read from you. It's beautiful the way you speak about your daughter. I know she'll feel very loved when reading this.

I love that in your photo six months pregnant with Fable and in the other photo WITH Fable, you have the same blouse on. It's like things never changed even though they have greatly changed since her arrival. ;o)

Maybe having a girl is scary because she won't always be a little girl. Because at some point in time you'll have to speak to her about the changes she's going to go through physically and that's not an easy thing. Also the hardships girls go through in general. And of course for the reason's you've listed above. You don't want to see her hurt. To me being a girl is harder than being a guy; and if I had daughter I too would be scared to see her hurt. You can't stop her from being hurt, but you can try your hardest to make her realize that she is very special. You can teach her that just because she's a girl that doesn't mean there are any boundaries because of her genitalia. That she can dream to the fullest and be proud to someday become a woman.

cocosmalls | 9:43 PM

amazing mama amazing. i cried because it was so lovely. (and i relate-i always thought only boys).

i only hope my daughter can feel half as loved as fable will just reading this.

duck | 10:25 PM

Wow. Just wow. You spoke to everything that was (and still is) in my heart from the moment the nurse put my little girl on my belly and she wriggled her way up to my chest. Unlike you I knew that I would be the mother of girls. I have always found men and boys to be the more confusing gender. I had dreams too of my little girl. With pig tails, in her high chair, shouting for more fish sticks. I dreamt of her climbing all over the couch, running out side, playing on the beach, of what her skin would smell like (the sun, sunscreen, and lipsmackers lip gloss) when she was seven. Thank you for posting this. I am going to forward it to my mo m as well.

4 on the go | 10:56 PM

That was an amazing post. I heard of you through a group and just had to read.

angela | 11:00 PM

It takes a lot to make me cry. My mom died when I was 10. I had a stepmom I wasn't close to, so I felt like I never really had a mom. I was so scared to have any girls because I wouldn't know how that mother-daughter bond would work. So I have two boys now and we are done having children. But the tiniest part of me wonders--would I just fuck it all up if I had a girl...or...would it be a chance to make it right? I guess I'll never know. In any case, thank you for the post. I'm glad you're not scared anymore; I'm sure you will be an amazing mom to both Fable and Archer.

Anonymous | 11:26 PM

I have held the same fear for years about the notion of having a daughter. I have yet to become a mother but you have given me hope that when I do become one, having a daughter will be a blessing unimagined. Thank you!

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 11:37 PM

I think its incredible how many of us feel/felt similarly about mothering daughters. What is it? Is it because of our experiences with other women? Or is it because we are afraid our daughters will have to relive our same pain?

Wicked Step Mom | 4:53 AM

I never wanted daughter's either. I wanted boys. Girls and women scared me and for the most part they still do. Now, I have three step-daughters. They are teaching me things about myself that I didn't even know. They are helping me to remember that it is important to be a woman. Even a woman that thinks and acts a little more like a man than most women.

candace | 7:05 AM

I never wanted a girl either. I thought for sure when I was pregnant that she was a he because there is no way I could take care of a girl. I grew up a tom boy and have never really gotten along with women. I was the girl who got beat up by the other girls for being different. However, once it sank in that I was having a girl I was in heaven. Having a girl is fantastic. She is only 4.5 months but I can see how this is going to be amazing.
Girls do rock!

Amber | 7:10 AM

well that was adorable...and so is she.

A. | 7:15 AM

Beautiful post! I too was (secretly) hoping to never have a daughter - definitely from hurting from, like you, the cruelty of girls and women. I have always found it much easier to be around boys and men; can't even work up a proper "boys suck" rage after romantic relationships go bad. Plus, I was a terror to my poor parents as a teenager. Not rebellious and "bad," just very. VERY. Difficult. But now I am expecting a little Adelaide in April. Maybe our girls will be hell on us as teens, but they WILL be beautiful and ours, always. Hopefully I will learn a bit more about women from raising one - you and other commenters give me great hope!

Chef's Widow | 7:24 AM

I was the same although my motive for not having a girl was my own terrible relationship with my mother. I was so scared that history would repeat itself. But now that I am in love with my own very amazing girl I know that my path is what I make it and in now way am I destined to have the same relationship with my daughter that I had with my mother.

We are lucky women.

Loukia | 7:36 AM

Holy S***. You deserve an OSCAR. You are the best writer, ever. Seriously, I'm staring a fan club.

mountain.mama | 8:47 AM

I have two daughters and I wanted girls. There weren't boys in my family so I was a little nervous about the thought of raising a son. I knew in my bones my first baby was a girl. WIth the second one I thought it would be interesting to have a boy but then she was a girl too and I knew it. (I an SO psychic!)

It always bothers me when I read things about women not trusting women and not having women friends and all about bitchy, backstabbing behaviors. Yes, it exists. But you know what? Those women aren't my friends. I value my female circle of friends more than anything outside my family. I need their support and love and I get it. I have seen my daughters go through some of the difficulties associated with female friends and they tend to have male friends right now but I hope someday they have the kind of women friends like mine that help me grow and feel good about myself as a woman. It's not good to perpetuate fear of others like ourselves!

Great writing as always, Rebecca and Fable is so very beautiful.

Anonymous | 9:14 AM

I totally agree about girls...I too have always found girls to be way too dramatic and jealous. I have always wanted a little girl though, even though I'm as afraid as you were. Now I'm feeling better about it. Thanks for sharing! You're going to be best friends with your little girl...because you do still remember everything you went through in your teenage years...she'll love you for being honest and sharing those feelings with her.

rn terri | 9:46 AM

Wow! This is beautiful. I too, was afraid when I found out my third child was a girl. She has completed my life and my heart.

Sarah | 11:29 AM

This is just such a lovely post, I don't even know where to begin. I hope that one day Fable looks back and reads this and realizes just how much she was loved from the very beginning.

mattandvicky | 12:28 PM

Your Fable seems like a wonderful blessing! Girls are a great joy, glad you are having a blast with yours...

Katherine | 1:11 PM

What an awesome post... I felt like I was right there while you were walking through this. And yes having a girl is scary; my daughter just turned 10 and I am already freaking out as she matures from a girl into a woman... and all that goes with it!

I just found you from MsSingleMama.com. Thank for sharing from your heart.

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates | 1:33 PM

I was the exact same way about having a girl and I think it was because I didn't want her to turn into me nor did I want to have a relationship with a daughter like I had with my mom growing up...not good at all. I also didn't have much experience with girls and that scared me too. When I was getting my first ultrasound with my son I remember wondering what they would say if they told me it was a girl and I cried and said, NO! Thankfully it was a boy and by the time of the second pregnancy I wasn't as scared. I figured I hadn't killed my first baby yet, so it would be okay. I was ok if it was a girl, which is was. Today I don't know what I would do without my princess. She is a lot like me and I know we are going to have some doozy of days together, but for now she tells me "Mommy we'll always be best friends" and that makes everything perfect! Thank you for speaking from the heart. I always love reading your blog!

Lys | 1:51 PM

I only ever wanted to have boys... like you, I never had many close female friends growing up and I always prefered the company, humor, and conversation of guys. And now I have a four month old boy, who is absolutely wonderful and I'd be lucky if all my future children were little clones of him.

But reading about you and Fable (not just this post, but all of them as of late) makes me hope that when the times comes to have a second, it will be a girl.

mare | 3:06 PM

I never wanted (and never have had) kids but I knew that IF I did, I'd want a boy. Thank you for such beautiful words about your daughter that made me realize that, while I will remain childless, my fear was baseless.

Be well.

Scary Mommy | 6:53 PM

Beautiful. How amazing that she will one day read these words!

Mami Lulu | 6:59 PM

I am ccccrying. Beautiful.

Amanda | 7:25 PM

Tears.... totally streaming down my face! I have a 7 month old daughter, and when I was pregnant I didn't want a girl (for the first few months) either. Until the moment she was born, I always wished in the back of my mind that she was going to be a boy.

Geeze am I glad she's a girl. And she's all mine :)

Toni | 8:49 PM

Someone threw an egg at your face? Whaaaaaaaat???

Little Ms J | 9:37 PM

Beautiful.

tlh | 10:32 PM

L.O.V.E.

Anonymous | 11:23 PM

I'm glad your beautiful daughter has shown you that girls don't suck.

It always makes me a bit sad to hear women talking about how they don't like other women. It makes me sad because it means that there have been some horrible women in the past.

Women can be wonderful friends, roommates and confidants. I wish the horrible ones would stop making the rest of us look so bad. It does nothing for us as individuals, and even less for us as a group.

Anonymous | 11:38 PM

She will have horrible things happen to her. As everyone does. And she will be a lot like you, as we always end up like our parents. All you can do is give her your best. Live every day one day at a time. Love and care for her and never ever stop. And remember that no matter what happens, she will make it through, just like you did. Afterall, it is the bad things in life that teach us and make us better people in the end. =)

linda | 3:43 AM

So beautiful.....

Molly | 4:18 AM

Rebecca--I have a boy a few weeks younger than Archer, and we found out yesterday that I'm now pregnant with a girl. I am totally petrified. I needed to read this more than you'll ever know. I may read it 3 or 4 thousand more times in the next 19 weeks.

Jaelithe | 10:32 AM

I really, really wanted a girl, not a boy, before I had my son. This despite the fact that, like you, all of my best friends were boys when I was a kid and I liked to do "boy stuff" like play video games etc. I wanted a girl because I thought it would be SO HARD to raise a boy to be a good man. I know how much harder, in many ways, it is to BE a girl than a boy, but as I'd lived it I thought it would be easier, for me, to RAISE a girl. I thought I could help a girl learn from my experiences, but a boy? How could I teach a boy to be a good man when I'd had so few good men in my own family life, outside of my husband, that I barely knew what one was?

Of course once my son was born, I realized I ADORE being the mother of a boy. Adore it. I've learned so much about men as people, and about myself.

Kids are just great, great, wonderful, fascinating creatures, no matter what gender.

ct | 11:05 AM

Oh, my heart is breaking now. I always catch up on your blog when I'm at work and missing my girl horribly. Such beautiful words, she's so lucky to have you, too.

I wanted a boy, as well, but I like that I get to play with her hair and do girly stuff like that. I was a tomboy growing up and it's like getting another chance to do girly stuff with her. Either way she turns out, we're golden.

Thank you for sharing...it helps me remember how fortunate I am to be a mother.

growingupartists | 3:10 PM

Aww, great fabrics!

Jenn | 6:19 PM

I am crying- this is beautiful!! I am amazed at your ability to put my thoughts into such beautiful words. I am also the proud mama of a beautiful baby girl... aren't we lucky? ;)

samantha jo campen | 6:29 PM

My eyes are stinging with tears. That was so beautiful and touching. Thank you for sharing.

I thought I'd mother girls and now with my 11 month old son I can't imagine anything different. But love knows no bounds and anything can happen and I firmly believe things happen for a reason. I can't wait to see who my next child will be.

Anonymous | 11:11 PM

I thought the same way, too. I always pictured myself with 4 boys! After 2 boys, I was sure I was pregnant with my 3rd, because....I just felt it. I wasn't really scared to have a girl, but just didn't see it happening. Now, I can't imagine my life without Lucy! She is amazing, and your awesome pictures and videos of Fable really make me think about how lucky I am to have her. I love my boys (I have 3 now) to death, but Lucy and I definitely have something special...that I always was lacking with my own mother.

San | 2:46 AM

Wow!!! I am bowled away by your post. Awesome awesome...

Meg | 7:40 AM

Okay so I know this post was supposed to be serious and such, but I just want to mention how much I LOVE Fable's clothes. You pick out amazing outfits for her. You should start a What Not To Wear: Baby Edition.

But on the serious side, I feel just the opposite. I wanted a boy so badly when I was pregnant, but I dreamt she was a girl and that's exactly what we got. Now I'm terrified to ever have a boy. I love my daughter so much and know how to raise girls and how to handle girly meltdowns. Boys are a terrifying world to me.

Anonymous | 8:27 AM

Easy for you to say now that she's what? Four months? Wait 'til she's a teen and see how you feel then. Methinks your opinion may change.
But of course the most important factor in successful child-rearing is dressing them in cute outfits.

little birdy | 9:55 AM

golly. i like you.
maybe i'm feeling sappy today, but i'm gonna tell you. i read your blog and i think, dangit i want to be this girl's friend.

or maybe it's that what i hear in your writing is what i love about my friends.

you write beautifully. and you're guts real.
your honesty and transparency - to me, that's the beauty of true female friendships.

so, well done on this blog. you make us feel like we're in your kitchen nook.

little birdy | 9:57 AM

um, and YIKES on the anonymous comment above.

b. | 10:30 AM

i'm writing this through tears, because your words sound so much like my own, in every way.

and now, i'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first child and we decided to not find out the sex... and although my only desire is for a healthy baby - having a little girl frightens me, for the precise reasons you mentioned above.

i hope if the baby does indeed turn out to be a girl, all my fears will fade away as yours did.

thank you.

Tanyetta | 6:28 PM

so sweet and beautiful

Lisa Sharp | 10:10 PM

Beautiful! It made me cry.

I have read some of the Redwall books as well. :)

Julie | 2:34 AM

I have goose bumps after reading this...absolutely beautiful and something Fable will cherish forever.

Mamalang | 7:01 AM

This is how I felt about having a boy. It is different...not better or worse, just different. And I'm glad I am able to experience both. They all make our lives richer, if we allow them to.

emily | 7:01 PM

You are me, I am you! You have put into the most beautiful words the way I have felt. It is uncanny... and yes, I am so happy with my little girl and cannot believe I thought I wanted only boys and that I was just a boy mom. I am so looking forward to doing the girly things that I never thought I would want to do- or not, if she doesn't want to. Oh, and I would be your tomboy misfit friend if I could!

Anonymous | 12:25 AM

She is an absolute DOLL!! Loved the video of her laughing. When my baby laughs it can make anything I am going through seem trivial and I experience instant happiness. She could not be any cuter!

Dusty Brown | 11:39 PM

I was always certain that I needed sons, as well. I ended up with two daughters. It was meant to be. I am now so relieved that I got two girls instead. Can't even imagine how I would handle two little boys. It is just one of those weird things. We adjust.

P.S. Love, love, love the name Archer!

Brooke Trout | 3:55 PM

We are due to find out the sex of our baby this Monday. And I have been ambivalent about having a girl. I think for the same reasons you have given here. Thanks for the post, it has eased my mind about the 'what if it's a girl?'

Brooke Trout | 1:12 PM

Eek! It's a girl! ;)

jonathan | 1:35 AM

i am but a 15 year old teenager, yet this has really touched me. i read it and it was as if i was put in a mothers point of view. this is just lovely and im sure a lot of people out there experience the same dilemma of not wanting a daughter. =] and ive actually come across various females who do feel the same way. by the way, fable is gorgeous, she has beautiful eyes. wish you luck on your journey as a mother. im sure youll raise one hell of a daughter.

Aliesha | 1:47 PM

Yeah....a bit late to be commenting, but I'm reading through your archives and my daughter could be Fable's long-lost-almost-3-years-younger twin based on their pictures. And I'm back at work now and Allie just turned 4 months old yesterday and I'm missing her so much and she looks just like your beautiful daughter. So I had to comment. Your little one is so much older now, and mine is growing up faster than I can bear!