***updated: contest winners, below!**
At the risk of exposing my nipple to controversy, I give you, Lindsay Lohan.
I've never weaned anything before. Actually that's not true. I've weaned myself off of cigarettes, my dependence on toxic relationships, white meat and dairy, but I've never weaned anybody off of me. As in my body. As in my breasts*.
I didn't have to wean Archer because you can't wean what you can't nurse, you know? And he pretty much decided he hated anything that came out of a bottle when he was seven-months old so that made things easy. He started inhaling solids at five-months-old and was like "whatever milk" and never turned back.
My goal was always to nurse Fable as much as I could for her first two months. Minus the fact that my teets felt like fireballs and I spent many of my days crying in my lanolin with blanched nips, nursing was a cakewalk.
"Can't nobody stop me now!" said I. "I'm going for three (months) bitches!"
One month later: my boobs were still throbbing, infected and completely scabbed over but what the hell, let's go for six-months! Pain can be pleasurable with the right attitude, right?
Of course, here I am days before Fable's six-month marker (boo!) and my crazy-infected-throb-a-sore-us tits decided to miraculously... get over themselves. Yes, folks. Six months of painful nursing and now there are no scabs, no holes, no blanching... no agonizing or even partially agonizing pain.
Perhaps le boobs are finally used to this whole nursing business and are like, "why stop now? Why not just go for six more months? Fuck it. Six more years! Be like that one chick who nursed her teenage girls in the English countryside while the poor father lied badly about how comfortable he was with it."
Okay so no. No. NO.
But I gotta say, my plan to put the breaks on nursing has been foiled again by the fact that I worked my ass off for six months for it to FINALLY be this easy.
Not that I have any new goals or plans. From this point forward, I'll be playing The Mighty Wean by ear. Eventually Fable will lose interest in nursing or I'll be whisked off on an island getaway (a girl can dream, yes?) or she'll decide solids are A-OK. (Fable currently says NO to rice cereal, avocado, banana et al.) But for now? I'll totally keep this party going, quite impressed, I might add, by my ability to go this long against the odds. A force of nature I call myself.**
In the WEANtime (ha!) I have some fabulous goods to give away*** to my lady friends who plan to nurse soon-to-be-born babes, are currently nursing or have lady friends soon to give birth, because lordy knows, nursing is hard work and mamas deserve booby presents. Especially fancy ones. Behold:
1. The tre tre chic Bebe Au Lait (in chocolat). Been rockin' my "hooter hider" all over the Elay streets because using Lindsay Lohan's headshot over my boob? Totally brings the paparazzi to the yard and ... no thanks.
2. The magical Medela Freestyle Pump c/o the wonderful people at Medela, who just... duh! Are the best as far as pumps, lanolin and everything else lactation-y is concerned.
Once again, I'll pick two commenters at random to win these fab prizes. All you have to do is tell me where you think your baby was conceived.
I'll go first.
Archer was conceived in a motel room en route to San Francisco via Road Trip. Fable was conceived ... in our bedroom which is totally BORING I do realize but that's the thing about second children. Their conception stories are never as hot.
You have until Wednesday at noon PST to participate. Good luck!
*Except for the time I had a breast-reduction in the middle of a partial-relationship and one day, dude went to unhook my bra and... WHERE DID THEY GO? WHY DO THEY LOOK LIKE THIS? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? AHHHHH!!!!
**I'm still supplementing with formula, obviously. Have been since day one but that doesn't make my nature any more forceful.
***This marks the second of many amazing giveaways I'll be doing in upcoming weeks. Stay tuned!
Congratulations to the lovely (and pregnant! Congratulations!) Rosana for winning the Bebe Au Lait Nursing Cover and Amelia (who doesn't have a blog so please email me with your information!) who is also pregnant (congratulations!) on winning the Medela Freestyle Pump.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories of sex and fabulousness! (Winners picked at random via random.org) More fabulous contests coming soon!