C-Sections Are The New Black

Whether one is hiking in Runyan Canyon, eavesdropping on svelte twenty-somethings or tuning in to the Drudge Report, it seems like the C is all around. Vaginas are so last century and the caesarian section is where it's at, dudes.

No diss on the C. I almost had one myself because of complications with my pregnancy and was hardly the "naturalist" with the "I would rather die than have a C-Section" tattoo on her hip. I know you're out there, Vaginalbirthtivists. It's only a matter of time before women are protesting in front of Cedars doing reenactments of vaginal births in the parking lot. I may or may not be signing up. Depends on whether free food and drink are provided.

Regardless of your preference for delivery, you have to admit, the caesarian is kind of like the Atkins Diet was several years ago when all the restaurants were serving steak and eggs and that was all. (No wonder places like Real Foods Daily and Urth Cafe became so popular. The veg's had NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!)

It seems certain artists didn't get the memo. A C-section looks a little different than a vaginal delivery. From Britney to Gwen and Angelina, lower abdomen scars are going to become the new lower-back Butterfly tattoo and I am a little jealous.

So for my next baby I'm so totally going to make an appointment for my C-section like everyone else in this town. I'm going to be in control straight off the get-go. I want my next baby born on September 25 (I love Libras) and I want the baby to be 7 pounds 5 oz (the ideal baby weight) so I can be part of the Hollywood elite and their caesarian club. Either that or I'm starting my own.

Tell me, would you join the Vagina Club? How about the Assosiation of Birth Canal Users or Take'n it Like a Woman Anonymous? What about "Don't be a Pussy. Use your Pussy!" for a bumper sticker. I think I might be on to something.

Anyway, congratulations Hollywood elite on your babies and please keep them coming. (Especially, you hon. You are the single most effective birth control for young women in the US of A.) I know. I know. Cut her some slack, right? It sucks to be a dumbass AND famous.

Give me a couple years and I will sooooo join your club. Totally. Because the Oxymoron of the year award is soooo going to Vaginal Deliveries in Hollywood and even though I am merely a civilian, I still feel a little shy changing clothes in the Gym locker room without my C-scar.

GGC

45 comments:

Stefania Pomponi Butler aka CityMama | 1:45 PM

I'll go you one further. If and when I get pregnant again, it's going to be the most high intervention pregnancy and delivery you ever saw. I want to be inseminated in late spring so that I can have a february or march baby. I just *love* that time of year. Then I would like portion controlled maternity meals delivered to my front door. I want an epidural and a scheduled c-section, and then I want a wet nurse (Breast *is* best!), a post-partum doula, and round-the-clock nanny care. Then, I'm going to starve myself to thinness so people will remark that "they can't believe I just had a baby!!!" I'm going to ask for handfuls of oxycontin to help me with "pain management," and I'll get a pre-emptive presciption for 1 mg Xanax (aka vitamins) to keep my spirits up enough so that I can get to the gym every day.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 1:53 PM

And with my head in my hands I'll shake my head and procliam, "That Citymama, I don't know hoooooow she does it!"

bitemycookie | 2:20 PM

don't think i haven't seriously looked into a 1-2-3-C. But if you start out saggy, you end up sagy, and that aint no kinda good for nobody.

Honestly. "Don't be a pussy, use your pussy"?
Um, bravo.

(wait, did i miss it? did brange have a c?)

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 2:23 PM

Yeah. Brange had a C. Oooh, maybe I should clarify.

Motherhood Uncensored | 4:24 PM

This is too hilarious for me to even do justice to in a snarky comment. However, I have to say that there must be something that a c-section does that I don't know about that makes everyone in Hollywood want them... I just can't imagine they aren't all "un-elective."

Maybe the scar goes well with Angie's tummy Tat... Who knows. Not sure why you would want someone to cut through all your skin and muscle if they didn't really have to, but hey, what the hell do I know?

Mrs. Davis | 4:36 PM

Wow, so this is about the only way I would be "in" in LA....

I went from being very "vaginalbirthivist" when I was pg with my first, telling everyone I wanted NO drugs, etc, but ended up having an emergency C in the end. So when I was pg with #2, I wanted a C all the way. But I went into labor naturally 2 days before my C was scheduled and progressed so fast that the doc suggested I just "do it". It took me 2 seconds to think on that before screaming OMG NO! I wanted my C, and I was totally unprepared for anything different.

If I were starting all over and didn't have a history of 2 C's, I would probably want to try vaginal birth again. But having been through two C's, I want to stick with what I know.

reluctant housewife | 5:40 PM

"Vaginalbirthtivists"

Classic.

kittenpie | 5:56 PM

Ooh, I feel so hip and with it now with my scar tissue!

Yeah, like Mrs. Davis up there, having had an emergency c with the first, if I have another i would go with the elective c for two reasons -

-I know what I'm getting into and already have a scar, so what the hell. I enjoy that my pelvic floor is still intact, so why ruin both the door and the window?

-Then I could easily get my tubes tied at the same time and be done with it.

Blog Antagonist | 7:35 PM

LOL! Okay, as a former doula, I have to admit that I'm a little...zealous about natural births. It's a pet peeve, of mine, if you must know. Not that women are having them, but that doctors justify them when they are unnecessary. I think one day, we will just take women out of the picture altogether, and our children will be gestated in artificial wombs like those in the Matrix. Hey, it could happen. ;?)

Karen | 7:50 PM

I don't have strong feelings, even after 2 drug-induced "natural" births.

But I do know this, I want that bumper sticker. Just 'cause the thought of it made me laugh, and then nearly made me pee b/c of what little pelvic floor I have left.

Now I want you to imagine what kind of search terms people will use to find this one!!

something blue | 8:05 PM

Here's the secret of the C club: it's all the rage to get the tummy tuck at the same time as the delivery.

Plus the scar is below the bikini line.

toyfoto | 8:06 PM

I had a C-sect after 24 hours of labor that went nowhere. ... it was the suckingest thing ever, but I have to say I kind of felt like I got off easy, even with abdominal surgery and all.

I'm not sure if I'm right or not, but my guess is that c-sections (barring infection from surgery) are fairly safe and doctors are really covering their own asses.

As for the stars ... why they're electing them? ... I dunno.

Mom101 | 10:10 PM

This (and Citymama's subsequent comment) is cracking me up. When I was pregnant I learned about this whole elective c-section as status symbol in h'wood thing and it blew my mind. But only have as much as the fact that they all stick around an extra day or two and get a tummy tuck. Ya know, just so long as they're in the hospital anyway.

Crazy fucking celebrities.

Mommy off the Record | 12:16 AM

"Don't be a Pussy. Use your Pussy." OMG. I totally love this one. Can I get a button made?

odile | 2:40 AM

hi, am I the only one who had a natural birth ??
many women forget that a cesarian is an OPERATION,
which means that it always include a possibility
of infections etc,...
doctors simply sell those c-sections as THE PERFECT birth,
which, aaahmmm, they are not !
I WANT THAT STICKER !!

cheers

odile | 2:41 AM

hi, am I the only one who had a natural birth ??
many women forget that a cesarian is an OPERATION,
which means that it always include a possibility
of infections etc,...
doctors simply sell those c-sections as THE PERFECT birth,
which, aaahmmm, they are not !
I WANT THAT STICKER !!

cheers

Karen Rani | 4:43 AM

You are onto something! C-sections are 90% scheduled out of convenience for doc. Not cool, considering the risks to mother and child weigh far greater than v-births. LOVE your sticker - you should so totally make something for Cafepress or Zazzle. I'll even design it for you for free. Great post!

Sabra | 4:45 AM

odile,

I went "naturally" with both of my births, though the first felt very intervened due to eclampsia. Magnesium Sulfate is fun! My second was about as perfect as I could imagine. I was eating an hour a half before birth. Was walking around. Had a midwife student with me the whole time and in the end had my 9 pound 15 ouncer with only a shot of painkiller half way through transition. No episiotomy. But...she was born in Germany. I think post natural birth va-jay-jay problems are mostly urban myth. Kegels and exercise take care of most anything down there.

Amy (binkytown) | 6:27 AM

I am so pissed my Dr didn't offer me the tummy tuck! Damn! I wish I had known that before. Then maybe the HELL that my C-section actually was would have had some perks to go with the extreme pain, the vomitting, the scary scar that my resident called a smile with braces. ( so horrifying..)

mothergoosemouse | 8:20 AM

I was in the same boat as toyfoto - 30 hours of zip, zilch, zero before I threw in the towel out of sheer exhaustion.

OK, it wasn't zero. But 30 hours worth of pitocin-induced contractions and a mere 3cm of dilation? I was wiped out.

And yes, I scheduled a c-section for the second child. So sue me. But I think the idea of a c-section scar status symbol is kee-razy. I can barely stand to look at my own, let alone someone else's.

im lauf der zeit. | 11:30 AM

i wonder what all that peroxide's gonna do to her baby's brain; maybe it'll look like the vital idol...

Jamie | 1:08 PM

I'm with mothergoosemouse. I had an emergency c-section with my first daughter after pushing for 2 1/2 hours and nada! My recovery was hellish. But I did have (at the advice of my OBGYN) a scheduled c-section with my second daughter. It was pretty surreal going to the hospital knowing she'd be born that way. I think inductions are on the rise, too. But I really hope celebs aren't choosing to have a c-section. It wasn't even on my radar screen my first pregnancy and I ended up having one.

This just in on Brangelina's baby...she was breech!

concha | 2:53 PM

i'm an advocate of the C cause i'm also the product of one. otherwise, i don't know if my mom or i would be here right now. does that make her a trendsetter? probably not...

one smarmy mama | 4:42 PM

Words from the vaginalbirthivist:

It's two things
1) We're a "Me" society these days...we believe we are owed what we want when we want it and no one can tell us no, damnit.

2) Lawsuits, baby...lawsuits. C Sections went on the rise because lawsuits went on the rise.

That's really why. Babes are not meant to come out through a hole in your belly, it's unhealthy, and the MAJORITY (yes, I said it) of those women who had to have an "emergency" c section didn't really need it. Their doctors probably caused the emergency and then they need to cover their ass.

If I hear one more "I would have died if..." story.....I think I'll die.

I hear that Brang had a breech babe, which actually CAN be delivered vaginally but, again, lawsuits baby, so I can't really fault her, ya know? I'm interested to know why my idol, GS, went ahead with hit, though. Hrmm....

I need to shut up now.

Binky | 5:07 PM

I had an emergency c-section for which I had to be knocked unconscious and for which my husband couldn't be present. I wanted this totally natural birth and I ended up with the most medical one possible. I attribute a lot of it to the state I delivered in (Massachusetts), which has one of the highest c-section rates around. I had a certified nurse midwife, but I saw no difference WHATSOEVER between her and a doctor. My husband was originally against a home birth, which I would've preferred, but after that fiasco, he's all for the at-home method next time around. Unfortunately, it's going to be hard to do that in a legally sanctioned manner since I'll be having a VBAC. Anyway, I feel kinda dorky responding so seriously to your lighthearted post, but it's something I still can't bring myself to joke about. Sigh. But, hey, I can do jumping jacks without peeing myself. That's good. I have that going for me.

Mimimom | 10:40 AM

Hmmm, been thinking about having a third, but must admit that my vanity DOES creep in and I think about the effects on my poor pussy and otherwise. A C would just do the trick you know?
BTW, Sept 25th is a personal fave of mine as well and have dated 4 men (well, now they're men, but they were boys) who either have that exact bday or a day away. It's a good time of year mmmm-mmmm. Props to the Libras! I was preggo with my libra but lost it . . .definitely shooting for that again.

Becky | 2:49 PM

LOL i'm glad i'm party of the C club. never knew there was one. i fought having a c section throughout my whole pregnancy and then finally i just gave in and accepted that i was going to have to have one. glad to know i'm hip now cuz of it! haha.

Kristen | 7:03 PM

I had an involuntary emergency c-section, and my c-scar looked a hell of a lot more painful than that pretty picture. I would never recommend it, and I thought it was so odd when I started hearing it was the new rage--are they choosing it for convenience? Sure, it's convenient if you don't mind not being able to drive, walk up stairs, or lift your toddler for two months.

I just don't get it.

Hot Mommy | 10:11 PM

thank-you! i have not laughed so hard in a long time. i guess i'd be in the "Don't be a Pussy. Use your Pussy!" bumper sticker category, as i like a dumb ass had my two naturally, ouch... anyway to each their own. and quadruple thanks for the belly laugh!

Alyssa | 11:42 AM

I'm sure people will look at me differently for this now, well for sharing it on this topic where everyone sways the other way. I was offended by the "Dont be a pussy, use your pussy!" comment. I'm not easily offended.

I was 39 weeks 0 days. I was showing no signs of cervical change, they told me that I had the cervix of a woman who wasnt pregnant. I was not dilating or effacing. She was not dropping. May 5th, 04 I went in for a CT Scan to see if maybe some pelvic bones were holding her back. Apparrently she had a very limited amount of space around her head and they said she would fit just fine but she did have less space than what is normally necessary for a vaginal delivery. The next day I went in because I thought I was leaking. I was an emotionally distraught bi polar hormonal pregnant woman and was on the verge of just giving up. I was terrified of going into labor and then having my child end up with something like cerebral palsy or something from hours and hours of pushing.. I was terrified she would get stuck and the doctor told me that I had to try and work on this fear or else it would haunt me in the delivery room. I was told my water had not broken and I was sealed tightly and Rhiannon was not even coming down to the first station. I was miserable. Tired and scared of going over due which I was told I almost definitely would, and then she would have gained more weight and by then, would definitely not fit.

I told the doctor I feel like a c-section is the safest way to do this, for me being unsure about the whole thing, and she said "I think there a lot of factors here that might lean toward a c-section." and if she had been totally certain that i would have been able to deliver this baby naturally i would have done it no problem but she was not confident that I wouldnt end up with an emergency c-section... and I told her I didn't want that. She refused to induce my cervix if I wasn't showing any signs of cervical change, could cause un necessary bleeding and hemorrhage.

I had the c-section that night, and bounced back just fine, a perfectly healthy baby, and my recovery was a snap.

Why would I want to trade that? Healthy baby? Healthy Mom? What the hell is the problem? What's the big deal? I don't see why everyone can't just accept that everyone has their own reasons.. I think the reasons of you're every day moms like myself versus the reasons of your hollywood celebs cannot be categorized together.

Don't take this as a shot at anyone, but a view from the other side.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 11:57 AM

Aw, sorry to have offended you. It was all in good fun because around here in the LA and I mean EVERYONE has scheduled C-Sections. I wasn't dissing the C (as I stated in my post) just making fun of celebrities for not even trying. Like I said, I almost had a C and would have been fine with that if there were risks involved delivering vaginally.

Stephanie A. | 1:36 PM

One thing I've learned from motherhood is that you seriously don't have a clue until you've lived it. Which means if you haven't had a C-section and you're not looking at the patient's chart, well, really, you're standing on shaky ground with your judgement.

I find a few of the very pro-pussy remarks in the comments section a little offensive and dismissive of the women who really did have to have a C-section- despite strong desires not to do so. I actually fought with my OB and my high-risk OB about it because I wanted to go vaginal. In the end it just wasn't possible. I went through serious depression after birth because not only did I feel like my vagina failed me, but my breasts also failed me when it came time to breastfeed. In both instances I had extremists shouting in my face that it is impossible to be failed by my vagina and breasts. These are the two major symbols for a woman, so just imagine feeling like they are as good as absent in your body. Add in a mix of crazy hormones and then where are you? Feeling marginalized and fucked up, that's where.

I am sure it is difficult for people who firmly believe in vaginal deliveries to see the other side of the fence- they haven't lived it. But have some common courtesy and don't think that you have a clue about what any of us have experienced.

And this is not at all directed at GGC for her post- I actually found it to be entertaining.

Anonymous | 3:06 PM

Granted, I am a childless man... but I think this post was intended to be funny, not really a stab (no pun) at the c-sectioners.

How can you not think that "Don't be a pussy, use your pussy" is anything but totally hilarious?

Lighten up and cheers.

-Jason King

Anonymous | 3:07 PM

erase the "not" above.

-JK

Alyssa | 4:37 PM

No doubt about it, I found the post entertaining and I'm not like "Damn that bitch, GGC" lol. That wasn't my intention by saying I was offended. I was just a little taken a back... I didnt have a csection because it was just the "easy way out" or the "it thing to do".. I did because I was terrified of subjecting my daughter to a possibility that was very real and very tangible in my mind.

I was the Mom who had a SEMI Elective C Section and I did not Breast feed and don't ever intend on Breastfeeding... Flame me. E-Slap me..Whatever. I've heard it all..

What it all boils down to is that we are all moms and that is our common connecting factor, whether other things connect us in other ways.

I hope you, GGC, don't think I'm upset... Just defending, more so, to the other commenters in this post than to your actual post, the birth that I felt was perfect for us..

Stephanie A. | 8:01 PM

Jason- I did find the post to be hilarious, actually, which is why I stated that my comments were not directed at GGC. A few of the comments in the comments section came across as a little judgmental, slightly harsh.

And your comment to "lighten up" rubs me the wrong way. Again, you're some stranger who knows nothing about me and you're making assumptions about how I should be reacting. I'm sure you meant well, but we can't always choose what affects us, you know?

the mad momma | 6:13 AM

late with my comment ... another C-sec mom here. I too fought with the gyn till the last minute and was actually chloroformed after my spinal injection because i was so upset that I couldnt stop objecting!
So in support of all the c-sec mommies... alot of moms in india are going in for elective c-secs because they dont want to go through the pain.. so its not just american celebs but indian housewives too!
i can laugh at ur lighthearted post but not when i remember the months of post operative recovery, pain, inability to exercise and a whole bunch of other things.
as for those who have natural births... with epidurals so common i dont think its that a big a deal anymore.. so shoot me!
stephanie, alyssa... i'm with you!
and hey.. i am a 25th september born.

Jaelithe | 11:15 AM

I'm kind of surprised that some people got offended here. Then again, I've never had a C-section, so I don't know what I would feel if I had had one.

I thought this post was very funny and deft-- poking fun at the trend for celebrity women to schedule and micromanage everything about their pregnancies right down to the delivery date, AND at the die-hard natural birth activists, without disparaging women who need/prefer C-sections for actual health reasons.

What bothers me about the trend toward elective C-sections is that the more women ask for C-sections for frivolous reasons, the more doctors and hospitals are going to view the C-section procedure as a normal way of giving birth, which is it not; it is major surgery that interferes with a body's natural processes.

I don't want a doctor deciding it's not really a big deal if he forces me to have an unnecessary C-section for his own convenience because 50% of his patients have been asking for them anyway.

I had a vaginal birth with no epi and no pain medication with my son, which hurt like hell, but I'm glad I did it. But many of the nurses at the hospital where I gave birth were very unsettled by my choices. One of them even said in my presence that if I couldn't keep quiet during my contractions she thought I should just get an epidural, not for my own sake, but to keep me from scaring the other patients in the delivery wing (and it's not like I was going all Exorcist on them or anything, trust me).

Jill | 8:55 PM

All the controversy aside, this is an awesome post. I had two vaginal births and thought I was pretty cool - but now I see that just like with the tramp-stamp back tattoo or the belly-button ring I did not get, I am just another loser without the C-scar.

My daughter was born 9/25/05. She is very Libra-like in her grace and diplomacy.

Anonymous | 12:28 PM

I didn't think you could get a tummy tuck right after a C-section. I've always heard doctors say you should wait until your uterus returns to normal size. Is this really true? And if so, someone please tell me the name and number of the doctor!

cori | 7:11 PM

i just found your site/this post and i laughed my ass off! :) you are hilarious! don't be a pussy, use your pussy, perfect.

i had an unplanned c-section 2 weeks ago. i developed pre-eclampsia and they tried to induce me at 36w2d as my body was done being pregnant and the baby needed to come out. being induced didn't work. my cervix was 4 weeks from being ready. i was in pain and my labs were going downhill, my kidneys and liver were in bad shape, and i couldn't sit up without my blood pressure going through the roof. i had wanted a non-medicated vaginal birth. it didn't happen. oh well. :) recovering from the c-section has been nothing compared to the recovery of pre-e...

at least i'm part of the club!

hilarious post!

Anonymous | 11:10 PM

I guess my story is a bit different. I was not offended by the original article about c-sections. But i will tell you that i would have died a hundred years ago with a baby stuck in my pelvis. I had a very small baby but my pelvic bones were even smaller to fit a 6lb baby. I was afraid this was going to happen given some other things that indicated my pelvic size. After 33 hours of labor, and only getting to 7 centimeters, i finally talked my doctor into giving me a c-section. He was very hesitant since he was busy with a lot of other births going on that holiday weekend being the doc on call. It took hours to convince this doctor that i couldn't do it anymore and something was wrong here with the pain i was having in the places that i shouldnt be hurting.

After we got in the OR, and two doctors had to pull very hard to get a stuck baby out of my pelvic bones, i had her out and they agreed she should have been a section birth before being put through that kind of pressure, since her nose and jaw line were out of line for weeks from being so compressed in there. Also, had i given birth at home had she been able to pass vaginally, i would have bled to death. I barely escaped tranfusions from 1200 cc's of blood loss in a matter of minutes after the placenta was removed. I was knocked out entirely so they could sew me up and do a hysterectomy if necessary.

So some doctors are complete asses who try to make women do the vaginal birth, even if her body isnt built to do so. Some cervixes dont dilate, some pelvic bones dont mold to fit a baby and some vaginas don't stretch to fit a baby. We were the women that died before modern medicine was applied to births.

So you women who like to categorize every woman with a vagina as a woman who could have had a baby naturally if only the doctor wasnt a jerk, you are nuts. My doctor appologized for making me endure all of that once he got in there and saw what was really going on, he said i never could have passed her.

Thank God for the modern day medicine that allows some of us to survive. I would have traded my body for another that didnt have to deal with all the surgical trauma if i could, but given the circumstances, the judgement call was right.

- Shara

ladyrebecca | 11:13 AM

I loved your post. We'd planned a homebirth when I was pregnant with my daughter. We ended up transferring to the hospital but still gave birth naturally with no medications. Having studied labor and birth for over a year before her birth and for the four years since, I, too, am disturbed by the rise in cesarean rates.

While I do believe doctors (most, not all) are too quick to cut I also know that c-sections have saved many women's and many children's lives. I am very grateful that we have the technology to save both but I think it's been forgotten that it is a major surgery and not to be undertaken lightly.

Oh, and the "Don't be a pussy. Use your pussy!" quote is going in the "make-into-a-tshirt-someday" notebook. Thanks!

Anonymous | 8:48 PM

I planned a natural un medicated birth. I had a c-section when my son was to large for me to pass through my pelvis. C sections are not fun they are not fantasy and flowers. My son is 7 my abdoman still hurts ans my lower back will always be in pain from the saddle block. I understand vaginal births are a tremendous amount of pain but why anyone would choose a c section over a vaginal birth is crazy.

Anonymous | 8:55 PM

There should be no such thing as an elective c section. I am a proud c section mom because that is what was necessary to give birth safely as it was it took 45 minutes after his head was out to fully deliver my son through my incision due to his veru wide shoulders. Im 5'2" he was 8lbs 15oz and only 20 inches so he was a solid lil guy. C sections should not be an option it should be the plan b when plan a just does not work out.