The Bedtime Wars: Heed the Omen

Archer turned one-year-old and the very next day turned angry. Who knew he would suddenly grow a little temper with little horns and a tail? A red tail. Hot to the touch with a giant spade smashing around, knocking shit over. Okay, so it isn't that bad. He's no spawn of Satan, just an angel turned the wrong way. Upside down and backwards.

Our little bedtime-war goes something like this:

ROUND ONE:

Momz
VS Archer











Momz: Nighty-nite!

Arch: Coo-ca! (Cooper which is the dog's name)

Momz: I'm not Cooper. I'm Mommy. Can you say Mommy?

Arch: (a little annoyed) Coo-ca.

Momz: Okay, fine. Goodnight Coo-ca. (placing Archer gently in his crib.)

Arch: (standing and jumping .5 seconds later) COOOOOOOOOOOOCAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Momz: Nighty night! (sneaks away through hysterical crying)

Five minutes later after pacing and holding my hands over my ears and almost crying from the guilt of leaving my screaming child alone and standing in his crib...

Arch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBLOODYMURDERAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Momz: (crying) I can't bear another minute of this!!!!

Arch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHCOMEGETMEYOUCRAZYBITCH!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Momz: (running to his bedroom so his head doesn't fall off from crying) I'm coming, Bugsy! I'm right (busts door open) here.

Arch: (Stops crying and smiles, laughs and holds arms up) Deet!

Momz: You are such a fake! I don't even see tears. Psh, whateva, I'm outta here. Goodnight. (walks out)

REPEAT X 5 times until...

Arch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI'LLTEACHYOUTOLEAVEMEHEREALONE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Momz: You win. You so win. (taking Archer into bed with me) Goodnight.

Arch: Zzzzzzzzzzz (Out like a light)

Archer: 1
Momz: 0

ROUND TWO:

Momz
VS Archer











Momz: Goooooodnight nappy-face!

Arch: Doodah coo-ca lalalalalabababababadaaaadooooooooo.

Momz: Love you too! (creeps out of room)

Arch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH x infinity

Momz: (walks out on porch with magazine and reads about whatever new diet is happening in VOGUE. Cries because I cannot afford to wear head to toe Chanel around the house all day. Walks back in the house greeted by light-whimpers. Thinks, "yes. I can handle light-whimpers." Handles light-whimpers until SILENCE...)

...tip-toes into Archer's room to find him dead asleep like this:



Or if you prefer, the film:


Video Hosting - Upload Video - Video Sharing



Hunched over like a drunk during naptime and I had won. BY GOD I HAD WON! I gave myself a high-five and whispered very quietly...


"...Heed this Omen, Bugsy."

Current Score:
Archer: 1
Momz: 1

(to be continued)

GGC

28 comments:

Christina | 5:55 AM

Woo-hoo! Go Momz!

Wonder if he woke up with a sore neck and back? I think it's hilarious when kids fall asleep in weird positions.

Motherhood Uncensored | 6:31 AM

UGH. Quinlan is doing some crazy shit these days with sleep. She wakes up after 2hours (at night) and then needs me in there sleeping IN THE ROOM to stay asleep in her bed.

I was blaming teething, but I think something else is going on. ARGH.

Beth | 7:18 AM

Too funny! My OCD nature always wants to reposition them when they are laying like that. Like I have to let her sleep the 'right' way! I know better not to move them though! lol!

Gina | 7:40 AM

Way to go! I deal with this each bedtime/naptime and my kiddo is only 7 months... AHHH is right! Good luck!

MB | 7:46 AM

I also have the same problem...Monkey is 10 months old. I too have found her asleep in that same position in her crib. Check out the picture at http://monkeybiznazz.wordpress.com/2006/05/16/word-to-your-mutha/

MB

Andrea | 8:32 AM

Gabe is 2 and we're having sleeping trouble. He sneaks into our room at night and crawls in bed with us. I sosososososooooo regret the day when I didn't get up at 3:43 a.m. and put him back in his bed instead of just pulling him up between us. We're going on seven months with this battle. He's wearing me down.

Love the pic and video. Their beautiful skin pulling over their baby fat bellies is so cute I want to EAT THEM!

P.S. Perfect Post nod over on my blog posted this morning.

Mama of 2 | 8:52 AM

I loved the picture of Archer napping. You go mom! Keep winning -- it gets easier I swear. Girlie Girlie went through a phase where she screamed bloody murder when you left the room only to smile and giggle when you returned. I learned she was playing me and quickly she learned that mama don't play that game.

one smarmy mama | 9:39 AM

Uhm, no joke, that was a coffee-out-the-nose moment when I scrolled to that pic.

Hippie Mama | 9:47 AM

I love it! He is so cute. I always envied the people whose babies just slept from 7pm to 7am since mine will not sleep unless in our bed, but I guess at some point, there is going to be a bedtime war for anyone.

mothergoosemouse | 10:21 AM

I KNEW that's what they were screaming (come get me you crazy bitch). Ha! CJ, you can't fool me any longer. I know you can talk. Cease and desist with this screaming nonsense and let's have a civilized discussion like Archer and his mommy do.

Mother Bumper | 10:52 AM

ahhhhhhhhhhhh! once again you make me spray coffee out of my nose! Archer is one strong willed dude (I wonder where he gets that from?). Good luck and may the force be with you (I'm such a geek).

Anonymous | 11:41 AM

I found my son like that only clutching onto the bars when I finally won the war. I have had no problem putting him down from then on! I think he finally realized that his crazy bitch mom meant business!!!

Binky | 11:52 AM

In our house, I'm the evil one. I always win. That doesn't stop my daughter from playing the game every night, though. Between her and our dog, there's enough unfounded optimism to sink a ship.

Kristen | 1:55 PM

OMG that was hilarious. The screams were cracking me up. I can't believe he fell asleep like that. Keep it up - he'll probably fight harder the next time or two, but you're close to winning the war now...

mummyv | 2:04 PM

just surfed in and i am laughing my ass off at this post... absolutely brilliant... my baby doesn't want to sleep in my bed, but she doesn't want to sleep in hers either... curiouser and curiouser... you think by the time they get to be a year old, you'll know the "fake" cry from the real one, but she still tricks me... nothing worse than walking in expecting a baby having their leg slowly chewed off by a rapid squirrel to be greeted with a happy "DAH!" the second you open the door...
love this post.

JGS | 6:19 PM

Absolutely awesome!!! Loved the way you wrote the crying. I swear I heard the same thing except our Okapis were cursing me instead of Mommy. I was the one who decided when we let them cry or when we went to get them and I put them to bed at night. It was so hard, but utterly worth it.

The next one is the BIGGIE!!! He's going to try even harder and if you give in he'll forget how strong you were this time. Go outside, or use earphones, or put your head in the sand (aaahhh, I guess that won't work very well because you need to breathe), but anything to distract you from listening because then it will be over before you know it. Good luck!!! And we're all behind you.

Mrs. Chicky | 6:35 PM

Momz! Momz! Momz! Momz!

There's something about that first birthday that makes 'dem kids think they're the poo. Unfortunately, I think it gets worse before it gets better.

lynsalyns | 7:02 PM

Oh I've been there, my friend. It gets easier. I promise.

Chag | 9:54 PM

Keep fighting the good fight!

sunshine scribe | 4:52 AM

Go Momz! I have so been there...but would have been too tired and pissed to write such a witty battle-post about it...you rock. Congrats on the perfect post(s) by the way. So well deserved!!!!!

Mojo | 8:21 AM

That drunken sleeping is hilarious! I was really hoping the guilt factor would lesson over the crying once my Logan turns one, but now Im heeding your warning that it does NOT. I just keep picking him up and rocking him for a few minutes in the middle of the night and its working. Except I am a prisoner in the house even after bedtime. *sigh*

tAnYeTTa | 2:18 AM

awwwwwww........tooooooo cute. that was hilarious by the way. i love it!

mo-wo | 8:56 PM

I call it jackrabbit sleeping. Now that I am 8mos pregnant I am thinking about trying it myself; might acutally be comfortable.

I love my deck.. when we were in a short no nap phase I had to stand out there a lot. Good work, mama!

the weirdgirl | 11:47 PM

Brilliant play-by-play, but the pics/movie really make it for me. You looking all bad ass in your heart earrings, the black and white footage... perfect!

krista | 5:20 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAYOUAREFUCKING HILARIOUSANDILOVEYOUR SITEHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahhaha.

You and Archer rock.

carrie | 5:21 PM

Your blog is great!!! I am right there with you, in the same stinkin' bedtime disaster boat. Here's hoping we get rescued soon!

Ari | 8:14 AM

You're brilliant. Love this. It's funny 'cause I know it's true.

Anonymous | 10:07 PM

Give the kid a good spank and he'll learn real fast. *rolls eyes* Mothers these days.