Maybe.

We live in a two-bedroom duplex and we're not moving anytime soon. Not unless something miraculous happens that would or could allot us the luxury of being able to afford a million plus dollar home, which is the going rate of most three and four-bedrooms in our neighborhood, even now with the Real Estate crunch.

It's crazy to think we choose to live here, barely getting by on an income that would afford us a luxe life practically anywhere else. But this was what we chose, independently of one another, when we moved here.

Los Angeles: city of two-bedroom apartments and delusions of grandeur.

Of course there's always a chance something miraculous happens but one cannot work with that in mind, no matter how many times I bribe myself with pipe-dreams in order to compensate for my exhaustion, flailing at fantasies, banging my head against my desk because this was supposed to finished months ago, Godamnit!

Meanwhile, Hal comes home from another pitch meeting. This time in Dallas, his pockets empty and inside-out.

Because that is what gamblers do. And this is Los Angeles and we are gamblers. Gambling six months of time on a television concept: trying to build an airplane around a Pilot script and its subsequent pages of summaries and notes and the reel we now must complete before we walk into orchid-clad studios with our fingers crossed so tight they turn blue.

"I feel good about the meeting," he says. "I feel good about the pitch."

Which is good. Is great. Is deserving of applause because good for him for having the balls to walk into a meeting with Goliath, dressed as David, confident in the stones he throws with all his might.

Except Dallas calls on Monday with the same news.

"We're so sorry but..."

And then...

"I didn't get it."

And so...

"Next time."

You want something in this life, you gotta work for it. You have to work long and hard and be okay when it doesn't sell. More than okay. Rejections are the fuel to keep you going.

And we do.

I had a mentor many years ago who told me, upon my first moving here to "get out while you still can."

"You're young and good," he said "and this town will make you old and bad..."

He tried to scare me into walking away, except it only made me curious. Most people who have lived in Hollywood for a certain amount of time will tell you the same thing: It was the rip-tide warning that convinced me to swim.

It's a gamble. It's all a gamble. And we work and pitch and write and create and brainstorm and take meetings in distant cities because it keeps us alive. It keeps us from going insane. It keeps us in control of the hope that time is never wasted and good work doesn't go unnoticed. Because eventually something will hit, has to hit, and when it does, there will be change for the meter.

Plenty of change.

Between the two of us we have probably completed, pitched and/or created over fifty projects and so far, only one has sold. These odds don't bode well for a young family and yet we continue to get pregnant, continue to fill pages and waiting-rooms, put on suits, study the faces and words and ideas of those who win. We continue to watch the window for Ed McMahon's white van or good news.

But you have a family now. Maybe it's time to turn away from the sun, find a nice quiet place and start over -- a nice quiet life and trees for your kids to climb on. Maybe it's time for you to put on a suit, personalize a cubicle. Go back to school and study law or business or easymoney-making-101. Maybe it's time for you to go home.

Settle
down, the voices say. But all I can hear is settle.

No. Not yet. Not just yet.

The sacrifice would be too great. For three bedrooms, maybe even a fourth. For trees. And friends forever. For public schools. Affordable housing. Affordable living. A lower-maintenance life.

There are days when it is so fucking tempting to leave. But then there are days when it's even more tempting to stay. When suddenly the right people say the right things, plan the right meetings... And all of a sudden: maybe.

And it doesn't even matter what the maybe is, it's just... Maybe.

It is this Maybe that keeps one chained to her desk. It is the Maybe that inspires a script to become an entire presentation. An idea to become the beginning of a fourth novel after three did not sell. It is this Maybe that plants us here, by the window with thirsty roots, watching the gates of the studio open and close. Open. Close. Open...

It is this Maybe that holds us down and shakes us up and wakes us up and pulls us under. It is this Maybe that we stake our entire future on. It is this Maybe that will cause our children to grow up and either resent or respect us. It is this Maybe that makes me both proud and ashamed of who I am.

Of who we are.

GGC


66 comments:

abbersnail | 5:00 PM

As a San Franciscan in a very similar boat: AMEN.

Annika | 5:02 PM

Yes, yes, yes.

She Likes Purple | 5:27 PM

I just can't imagine they won't be ridiculously, completely proud.

Tiffany | 5:34 PM

San Jose checking in. And another Amen!

MrsWaltz | 5:34 PM

Easily the most inspiring, self-aware text I've read today. And if it teaches your kids to stand on their own convictions, so much the better. Do any of us think to ourselves "I just want to raise a sheep who knows how to go along and get along?"

Motherhood Uncensored | 5:37 PM

Your hope is inspiring. And one sold is an open door to another.

Hopefully many more.

last lecture fan | 6:05 PM

I am a huge fan of Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon prof who's dying of cancer and who gave a lecture about how to achieve your childhood dreams. One of the nuggets o' wisdom he believes in is that brick walls exist to keep out the people who don't want it bad enough. (Whatever "it" happens to be--playing in the NFL, being an astronaut, or selling a script...)

I encourage everyone to check it out, if you haven't already seen it (or seen Diane Sawyer's interview with him or Oprah's...):

http://www.cmu.edu/homepage/multimedia/randy-pausch-lecture.shtml

He totally rocks, and he keeps going after goals in perfect perspective.

The Reluctant New Yorker | 7:45 PM

I live in New York City, and I am right there with ya. My boyfriend and I are busting our asses day in, day out, for something that may not be anything in the end. But at least we're trying! We'd hate ourselves if we didn't try.

motherbumper | 7:59 PM

You wouldn't be you if you didn't do the Maybe.

Wendy Caffrey | 8:20 PM

Whether you live in LA or Aiken SC, you still live on dreams. And you know what? If my husband wasnt dreaming to be a fighter, and I wasn't dreaming to be a writer, we would just be waiting to die. At least you and I and all the others like us are living to live. Keep dreaming, and keep trying. You've got the balls to do it.

As for the kids, they'll resent you and respect you, no matter what you do. So accept it and try to teach them well.

And by the way... you look totally bitchin' in yesterday's pics! Rock on!

www.notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

kittenpie | 8:47 PM

Being okay with chasing maybe is part of you, part of who you are, and though it is so not who I am, would scare the crap out of me in fact, I admire the people who have that drive, for they are the strivers, the ones who can make something great. Yes, not all of the maybeists make it, but being able to make it, even JUST make it must feel like amazing, giddy victory, and the possibility of shooting for the stars must be intoxicating. Who could ask you to not be one of those?

Baby in Broad | 9:27 PM

I try to remind myself not to assume that the answer is No (even if the previous 10,000 answers have been No). Hang on to Maybe. There's hope there, and sometimes...Yes.

mothergoosemouse | 9:35 PM

I really admire you for holding tight. I know it's not easy.

Whit | 10:13 PM

How did you get in my head?

the weirdgirl | 10:59 PM

I hear you, honey. I've got ten years on you and I'm still living on Maybe. We've GOT the house and we're still living on Maybe. Amazingly, houses come whether you strive for Maybe or settle, so I say keep striving. Deep down you know that Maybe is really a Yes.

(Besides, all the people in charge who're saying no are going to die off eventually. You hear that, Baby Boomers?! You can't hold us down forever!)

Neophile | 11:41 PM

Bill Goldman kept all his rejection letters. He acquired over six hundred. After his second Oscar, he had them bound into a book he keeps on his coffee table and shows to people.

Oliver Stone wrote for over a dozen years before he sold a damn thing.

Joe Eszterhas has twenty five unproduced screenplays bouncing around out there. And he's Joe Eszterhas.

Hang on to your Maybes. You trade them in for Nevers.

Anonymous | 12:06 AM

Ummmm, hmm. Not trying to be mean or anything...but maybe a home would be more feasible if you didn't spend so much money on clothing? And you do live in the most expensive part of LA. Why not hop up a city or two? I'm sincerely curious.

SciFi Dad | 4:52 AM

@Anon above me: Why don't you tell us why you don't have the guts to put your name behind your criticisms?

OK.

It comes down to choices. I could never make the choices you have made, and continue to make. I would love to, but I can't.

(btw: Not that you care, but the above isn't meant to be disrespectful or, even worse, condescending. It's just how this post made me feel.)

Anonymous | 6:23 AM

I moved to New York City 6 years ago, husband in tow, with the same dreams. We went to art school, both of us, and now here we are 3 art degrees later and shitty office jobs to pay the bills (and did I mention pregnant with our first - 26 weeks). It is a tough world out here but we will keep our shitty office jobs and we will keep being creative and some day it will work out! I feel your struggle sister but don't give up because "it" is just around the corner! Best of luck ~ Candace

Don Mills Diva | 6:32 AM

I hear this.

Hubby has been freelancing in film for 20 years - we've been pitching, writing, producing for nearly as long. Always pushing forward...

For us the pressure to get out of Toronto and do this in Los Angeles is getting greater and greater but we are resisting for now...

'That Girl' | 6:45 AM

Oh honey, don't be ashamed. I admire the hell out of what you're doing.

As for the trees - haven't I seen like a million pictures of your son in parks and fields and doing cool stuff outside?

As far as the big house - last summer we spent a weekend with some very, very wealthy friends and their mansion and I spent the whole weekend frantically trying to locate everybody. I've never been so thankful for my little matchbox. Who wants the kids room out of earshot?

emilie | 7:38 AM

This is exactly what I needed to read today. We've been living paycheque to infrequent paycheque in pursuit of our dreams for what seemed like too long until.. this. So, thanks.

Anonymous | 7:44 AM

Following one's artistic dreams and banking on a lot of maybes that might become a yes one day is helluva lot easier when one can fall and know that their upper middle class parents still hold the net.

Give me someone who doesn't have daddy-paid shopping trips or college or save-your-ass-whenever-needed, but who still presses on facing THAT maybe and I'll be inspired.

the weirdgirl | 8:42 AM

Anonymous - There was not a lot of money when I was growing up. I worked my way through college. I didn't drive until I was 25 because I couldn't afford a car and school. I didn't get any extra help, besides the fact that my husband and I moved out together so there were two of us. And we still made it. You can do it, it just takes time. And if you put the creative on hold for a little while and come back to it, it's no big deal. That's what I did. Don't get bitter, that will hurt you more than the lack of money.

Dutch | 8:55 AM

not that Rebecca needs me to defend her anonymous, but how many "success" stories become success stories simply because of who daddy knows in the publishing/movie/whatever industry? how many writers get their books published because they befriended the right person when they went to Brown or because they fellated the right person at Harper Collins? most of the success is 50 percent hard work and 50 percent cocksucking.

I'm sick of everyone pretending like actual talent has anything to do with success in any such industry really. talent certainly still has a lot to do with the respect one does/does not deserve for what they produce, but it doesn't have anything to do with "success," fuck man, particularly in hollywood. look at the sheer amount of terrible shit that comes out of that place. so what if rebecca has family to fall back on? I don't think you're suggesting that she's using some family connection to achieve whatever she perceives as success. and yet people do that all the time.

mfk | 9:01 AM

um, it is too early in the morning for me to stomach all this bitterness? jeez guys. play nice.

I do not live in the "most expensive" part of LA (as you don't either), and I feel pretty much exactly the same way. We're not artists, but young and not making a ton of money, and pretty much every few days we half-consider moving to Maine or Virginia or Texas (ok maybe not Texas) and having, you know, a house. and a yard. and some extra cash. It's insane when I talk to people my own age who live on the east coast and they're doing things like having huge weddings and buying homes and having children to romp about on their sprawling farms. one-bedroom apt anyone? no?

anyway, this is long, but just wanted to say amen and hang in there.

Anonymous | 9:14 AM

mfk, I agree for the most part, but where are your east coast friends living?!? I can assure you that in most major east coast cities (Boston, NYC, Philly, DC), it is just as difficult to get by. Most of us 20 somethings here are struggling with the 1 or 2 bedroom apartments, too :)

Katie (not the same anonymous as above)

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 9:44 AM

Wow. The ignorance that comes with anonymity is almost entertaining.

Honestly, even if I did live in the nicest neighborhood in LA and shopped for clothes (wtf?) all day with my house downpayment (wtf?) and fancy college pedigree (wtf?), it would probably STILL be a just a struggle because it's a struggle for EVERYONE right now, regardless of lifestyle, income and ambition... In and out of Hollywood.

Fuck! It's a scarier time for my rich friends than it is for us, because they have homes and high-paid jobs and positions to lose!

MFK is right on. So is WG, and Dutch hit the nail on the head re: Hollywood. It's the biggest family business in the world, and very hard to break into without Uncle VP of Warner Bros.

And re: Anon 7:44's comment, having a "safety net" doesn't make it easy to fall.

t-rock nyc | 10:04 AM

You know I think this is what life is supposed to be like for us in our 20's and 30's. We're all just starting out in life, trying to figure out who we are as adults that pay bills, have children and go on vacations, etc. Most of us want more out of life than a 3 bedroom house in the burbs. How do we obtain that without driving ourselves to the poor house?

Maybe once I turn 40 I'll stop feeling so restless?

Great post.

Kendra | 10:30 AM

Everytime I think of life in Hollywood, I hear the ending line from "Pretty Woman"......"This is HOLLYwood! Wha's yo dream?"

Keep dreaming.....we'll keep admiring your moxy...

Anonymous | 10:38 AM

Anon 12:06 am here (not the same as 7:44). I apologize for my tactless comment. It was midnight and I was tired and grumpy as hell.

With the clothes, I was alluding to Archer's $20+ t-shirts and really expensive baby girl dresses, er, I mean, smocks. But you know, what the hell do I know about your finances? For all I know, you guys have thousands saved up for a downpayment someday. And about where you live in LA, I meant to suggest moving to a less pricey area, like Glendale or Pasadena. But again, what do I know, I'm sure you guys already considered all this.

Oh, and I wouldn't wait for Ed McMahon to come by -- dude's mansion is in foreclosure.

Jennifer

Anonymous | 11:20 AM

Anon 7:44 here.

Those of us without parental safety nets CAN'T fall. If we do we go hungry, we accrue crippling debt, our health suffers because we can't afford medicine or the doctor.

Creating becomes a different ball game when it's a matter of food vs. art. Fine for childless Henry Miller in pre World War II Paris, not so great for a family.

Henry Miller inspires me because he came from so little (like me) and worked in anonymity and poverty (like me) for so long.

I really wish the Gen Y "artists" from upper middle class backgrounds would be a little more grateful that their parents help/helped out with the bills. At least acknowledge that they would have a cubicle job if their parents didn't emotionally and financially support their lifestyle.

Then again, maybe those who have gone literally hungry (as I have) will be hungrier for whatever dreams we hope to achieve. 'Cause it's all on us. No security. No safety net. Only Milleresque determination.

Will Hutson | 11:45 AM

You couldn't have written this sooner and it couldn't have been sent to me at a better time.

Thanks for sharing this struggle.

I write and work and fret and live to try to create. But in reality, I live for the maybe.

It is a sweet sweet drug that allows us to mortgage our personalities and self-esteem for just one more day in the hopes that maybe's become yes's.

I had a day job until yesterday. Many folks do that here, while creating on the nights and the weekends. I was the same with the biggest fault taking place. I was comfortable and complacent. My writings trailed off, my fire dwindled, I wasn't as hungry.

For me its living for the maybes, and remember what its like to be hungry.

If I can embrace that I'll be ok - and ok in LA is better than great in Omaha.

Will

Miss Britt | 11:54 AM

I needed this today. I really did.

After the "fine! we can just pack up and move home!" snap from my husband last night...

I needed this.

Thank you.

erica | 11:56 AM

As an artist whose husband is an artist there have been lots of hard decisions to make. We do live cheaply, in a small city in a small house. But sacrificing to make your art is such a noble lesson to teach our children. Archer and your baby girl will look at their parents knowing that they didn't settle for a life less happy just for more money or stuff.

Kids want love. Protection. Security of family. Those things are the most valuable and money will NEVER buy them. What you do is gloriously difficult and I swear I too will keep on keepin' on as an artist and mother. It's a gift to my son.

If there is a safety net to keep us from going hungry (as I never have) and to keep us paying bills, I will not take it for granted. As I am confident you will not either.

Anonymity can sometimes be a safe place to judge from. Thanks for the post.

Heather | 12:04 PM

Who says Rebecca isn't grateful for her parents' support? I guess I missed that blog entry.

I think it's laughable that someone can say they are hungrier for their dreams to come true than someone else. Who are you to judge?

Also, Glendale and Pasadena? Not even CLOSE to being less pricey. There is no where "less pricey" to live in LA.

Rebecca, the hubs and I are living the same life as you two, minus the impending baby. It takes a LOT of courage to keep trying. But, in the end, it's the pursuit of happiness.

BOSSY | 12:39 PM

Yes, hang on. If not now, when?

Dutch | 1:00 PM

so anonymous 7:44 comes from the Bukowski school of "great poets die in steaming pots of shit." fair enough.

but does cleverly miller-citing anonymous 7:44 really want to get into historical literary figures and their varying backgrounds of privilege? wallace stevens wrote poetry from behind his executive's desk at an insurance company.

I find the premise that there is only one acceptable background/lifestyle to have in order to create good art a bit oppressive and unrealistic. And for the record, I find the premise that you have to suffer life in LA or NYC to make good art a bit oppressive and unrealistic as well.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 1:04 PM

Anon 7:44 -- I cannot argue with your martyrdom. Go! Be! Create and be wildly successful! Feed your fire and call me out for having less than you! Please by all means go forth m'dear.

But for all you think you know of me you know nothing. And of all you think you know Miller, you also know very little. Miller DID have a family when he was poor and struggling in pre-war Paris. He also lived much of his life on the dimes of others. He was famous and infamous for this, don't you know.

So next time you point fingers at "generation Y artists" and tell us that we get by on our parent's pocketbooks, the least you can do is know your "true" heroes by the truths they made so apparent in their work.

jennifer | 1:35 PM

"Also, Glendale and Pasadena? Not even CLOSE to being less pricey. There is no where "less pricey" to live in LA."

We've actually been looking at housing in the area because of a possible new job for my husband, and we learned that:

Burbank < Glendale < Pasadena < South Pas < Hollywood

Am I right or am I wrong?

Anonymous | 2:16 PM

i think all of the negative comments are from the recipe of "it could always be worse" with a little pinch of "i have it so much worse than you, how dare you complain" topped with a little dash of "jealousy." yes, it could be worse but does that mean that no one ever has the right to complain or say hey, things aren't at their best right now but we'll keep truckin'? if anything, i think that people who do keep striving and struggling despite that fact that they are lucky enough to have family or friends who would help out if ever they couldn't feed their kids should be admired for their will. i mean, wouldn't it be easier for them to just give up and ask daddy for a corner office at his business?

we all have our struggles. maybe if everyone stopped trying to knock everyone else down we'd all have it a little easier. ~jjlibra

Anonymous | 2:38 PM

"i think that people who do keep striving and struggling despite that fact that they are lucky enough to have family or friends who would help out if ever they couldn't feed their kids should be admired for their will. i mean, wouldn't it be easier for them to just give up and ask daddy for a corner office at his business?"

WTF?

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 3:12 PM

I also am wondering how this post led to the idea that my parents support me financially?

I'm obviously not bringing in six-figures with my blogs, book and odd freelance gig, but I'm only a small part of our household financial collective. My husband may be busting his ass to sell shows, pitch ideas, but he also has a day job working in Television, so yes, we do get by.

As for my parents, they're kick-ass and would do anything for me. I'm better off because of them, emotionally AND creatively.

A supportive family, and blessed upbringing may not be "romantic" in the "artistic" sense but you're damn right I'm proud of who I come from.

Fire is fire, no matter who set the fucking thing.

Hal | 4:13 PM

I think for Bec and I, it comes down to this: when we're working towards something and feel continually thwarted, it's not the money that matters. It's the self-worth, the pride, and the belief that we have what it takes to contribute. Making a living out of it is what we aim for on top of it, but that's not the reason we do it. The reason we do it is that we really don't know how to do anything else. And to the anon who thinks sleeping on floors and eating dog food is the only way to create "truth" in expression, the only thing those years taught me was that sleeping on floors wasn't very comfortable and eating dog food? Not yummy.

emilie | 4:42 PM

don't hate the player baby, hate the game!

;)

pharmDlace | 5:39 PM

I know Dallas may suck right now, but THIS girl in Dallas is your fan, no matter what. :)

Maybe allows us to dream.

Lindsay | 7:12 PM

Right on.
Well written.
You have a little it factor going for you too, so that's always something!

Caroline | 7:25 PM

We shared our one and only room in our tiny campus apt. with our first child until he was 18 mos. You can ONLY imagine how crafty we had to be. With our second, our place was bigger, but our 2nd baby still spent his first year tucked away in a pack n play in our CLOSET (yeah you read right) until he slept through the night and could share a room with his brother. You do what ya gotta do. The beauty of a family sure isn't determined by the number of bedrooms in their house or the kind of job either parent has. Its super hard but your kids are wonderful. And you're making it through. Cheers to you.

Windy | 9:05 PM

GGC I really cannot believe these people would write all the ass-a-nine comments on your blog. If they don't like who they "think" you are (b/c they sure as hell don't know you) why the F**K are they reading. You both seem like wonderful people and for all these people that think you get by on the financial merits of your parents that is not only none of their business but it's irrelevant to your struggles as a couple to want to provide for your family. Also everyone out there that has ever gotten anything knows "You never get anything for free". Money is what we need to survive but it will never get you love or respect and you my dear have both. ASSHOLES!

Heather | 9:49 PM

@jennifer- Burbank might be slighty cheaper, but unless the job is in Burbank, you're going to use up your monthly savings on gas. Seriously though, LA is a great place to live, and if you want housing advice, I have tons - I've lived and worked here my whole life!

Amanda | 10:18 PM

It's hard enough where we live so I think you are totally brave. Dreams are work. I've just started on mine and it's overwhelming and scary and I don't have Hollywood rejection to face.

I'm inspired to live my dream by watching you live yours. Beautiful post. Thank you.

http://finnrose.blogspot.com/

mo-wo | 11:15 PM

I am too tired to read the sidebar. Just wanted to say if anyone could humanize that place for me its you. I am gonna go out and buy you a righteous Kenny Roger album right now and pray for your continued high roller ways.

Zeynep | 3:10 AM

Move to Istanbul. Seriously.

After spending 7 years in NYC, giving away more than half of our income to rent, trying to raise a baby in a 50sqf apartment, using cash advance checks from one bank to pay for anothers interest, Enron went down the drain, hubbys office was the first to close, and we moved back to Istanbul. Life is much cheaper, we live a block from the beach, have four seasons, lots of history. Just ignore the political instability and the economic chaos, though.

Our "dream" ended abruptly, forcibly, just when we were thinking "we will make it". Now that I look back and feel that it was just the right thing to happen. Living in Turkey for the past 6 years has made me believe more and more in kismet or fate or whatever you wanna call it, I guess. So hang in there hun, it will probably only get better.

Bokker | 3:37 AM

Well said. Like Hal I work in TV. I've been working as a "permalancer" for a huge, world-leading broadcaster for several years, and I'm clinging on by the skin of my redundancy-threatened teeth, striving towards the day when I'll finally get the working rights, maternity rights etc that the vast majority of industries take for granted. And I'm one of the lucky ones because at least that's a possibility, which is not the case for freelancers.
I love my job but damn, if I'm ever in a secure enough position to birth children and support them to adulthood, I'll advise them to tread a line between creative dreams and a secure future. It IS hard, and just because we're producing entertainment doesn't mean it's always an entertaining experience trying to build a career.
Also: you rock.

Steph | 7:05 AM

hanging on to the maybe...even just for a bit longer, shows your strength and confidence really.

i needed this today.

wonderful post

minniemama68 | 10:33 AM

You are young. And you are making it. Maybe not to the degree you thought you would, but you need to follow your heart and dreams. You will know when you are "done" and you don't sound like you are yet.

Anonymous | 10:55 AM

i just want to state that i do not hold the belief that your family is supporting you financially or that your dad has a business in which to give you a corner office. i am just responding to the thought that anyone who MAY have that or anyone who does have a family that would let them sleep on their couch if they ever found themselves homeless (as i'm sure your family would) shouldn't be made to feel like they are bad or less worthy of success or less worthy of the right to complain. ~jjlibra

Black Hockey Jesus | 3:12 PM

GOOD CHRIST GGC! Stop hogging all the haters on your blog. This is awesome.

Wishful Mommy | 4:25 PM

I totally get what you are saying. I support you and your hubster in your creative dreams. I'm right there with you. However, I did give in and buy a house and happened (luckily or unluckily depending on the subject) to marry a non-artist. But I have not given up either. So just a teeny reminder: it doesn't really matter where you live: you can always CREATE. Keep up the great work and keep doing (what you believe in.) xo

curdiemer | 4:01 AM

Sending you some love from Dallas...

You're totally right that it is much scarier for those with the huge house because they have much more to lose.

You've created over 50 projects?!? It shows a creative mind that you are keeping sharp with new ideas.

Memiors of people who made it big quickly and easily are boring and usually arrogant. You won't fall into that category.

Stefanie | 8:52 AM

Here's the thing, you're like 25 or some shit. You guys have so much time to make things happen. I didn't even have a baby until I was 38. i was waiting tables at your age. There is soooo much time. And you are so far ahead of the game. And so freaking talented it's a bit ridiculous. Don't you dare go anywhere!

Suburban Turmoil | 7:57 PM

Stefanie makes an excellent point. You're young. Don't fret. You'll get there, but it may take time. And don't think a house will make your kids any happier- We have one and I think all of us still sometimes miss the apartment my husband had when we were engaged. We had a hell of a lot of fun there and never had to worry about upkeep the way we do now.

I think so many of us have the same hunger you do, no matter where we live. Congratulations on your single minded pursuit. Keep it up.

Anonymous | 10:50 AM

From reading your blog, I would say the stability, love, and healthy relationships your family gave/gives you trump any money they may have a million times over. And no one can take that away from you. They gave you roots and they gave you wings, and those are yours to keep.

I am very happy in a secure job. I create word pictures at work and that satisfies me. My son wants to be an actor and I support him wholeheartedly, while fearing the rejection he is bound to suffer. I know he needs to do this, and my job is to make sure he knows he is worthy no matter what. Just as you are.

Also? As others have noted, at some points your kids will disparage everything about you. Don't let that drive your decisions. It's an unfortunate byproduct of raising them right.

--Lisa

FearandParentinginLasVegas | 8:20 PM

Thanks for telling your story. If anyone's read my blog lately (and it looks like not many have by my stats), you'd see that I'm at a bit of an occupational crossroads. Do I stay where I'm at to keep the steady and allegedly safe income? If I do, it comes at a price - my passion, my sense of purpose, my inner power. If I leave, it comes at a big risk to the stability of my family.

For what it's worth, it's easier to wish for what you do not have than to mourn for its loss. Live simply, live wholly. After all, on your death bed, I doubt that you'll be saying to yourself, "You know I really wish I would have taken that desk job and moved to the Valley."

monkey | 5:57 PM

oh. *exhale* i don't even know you and i feel you.
my boyfriend and i live with our (surprise! the pill is only 99 percent effective!) baby girl in north hollywood. note that i didn't say 'noho' cause we can't even afford that. nope. our one bedroom is located across the street from an indoor swap meet flanked by a recycling center and about six liquor stores. it's lovely here.
i act and write. he's an artist. we do not pay the bills doing these things. so we struggle. and we survive. and we work our asses off to provide a roof and food for the little one and plan for upgrading our situation without surrendering our dreams, creativity, individuality, lust for life. it's a fine line. and you've articulated it beautifully, as i sit here nodding my head in understanding.
as far as 'settle down'...
you hear 'settle'
i hear 'down'

Elizabeth | 10:28 PM

I loved this.
And I am right there with you. Dreaming the dream.