My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Guest Blogger

**Updated Below with A Winner!**

The following is a guest-post written by my dear friend and fellow memoirist,
Andrea Askowitz, whose feisty pregnancy memoir, "My Miserable, Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy" was published by Cleis Press this past April. Andrea, a mother of one (with another one on the way. Woo!) also writes and produces for Lip Service: the true stories reading series at Books & Books in Miami and is an adjunct professor at Florida State University.

Dads Like Me

Calling all moms who hated being pregnant and are now opting to be dads. You are my people and I want to create a sorority of fathers.

I am so self-centered I can barely stand myself, although my friend Ted tells me that that’s part of my charm. When I was pregnant and a dad tried to tell me about how he felt, I was like, “Shut your cake-hole Mister, it’s her turn.”

Now my girlfriend’s pregnant and I’m all about us dads: How we’re afraid to get on top; how we wish we could breastfeed; how we’re growing sympathy bellies.

I was at my daughter Tashi’s friend’s birthday party and all the dads were standing around holding our stomachs.

Pascal said, “I’m still working off my baby fat.”

I said, “Dude, your kid’s five.”

Of course, I’m one to talk. My kid’s 4 ½.

the author lookin' like one miserable, lonely (hot! sexy! mamalicious!) lesbian chick

This is the kind of moment I live for these days, although there is still something missing. It’s that all the dads I know are men. Which is cool. Some of my best friends are men. And I am not in the business to discriminate. I’m just looking for that certain kind of dad: One with a uterus.

I know this may be a small sample of the world’s population (although you never know until you ask) so to broaden my sorority search, I’m also looking for mothers who hated being pregnant, but are NOT opting to be fathers.

I know you’re out there; I have been hearing whispers ever since my own miserable pregnancy. I’m not saying I’m the first to mention that pregnancy sucks. Girl’s Gone Child has been telling the world she’s having 14 contractions a day, which sounds worse than anything physical that happened to me, so the word is out. I’m just saying that before I got pregnant I didn’t hear anyone say anything negative about pregnancy. Maybe I wasn’t listening. Maybe I didn’t want to know. But I had the impression that pregnancy was transcendent. In reality, pregnancy was the worst experience of my life.

So if you’re a mom and you could have done without the nine months OR if you’re a dad and you wish you could breastfeed OR if you’re a mom and a dad, come join my sorority.


(Love)
Andrea


Wanna win a signed copy of Andrea's book? All you have to do is Name Andrea's Blog! Andrea is looking for a better name for her blog, currently titled "Andra Askowitz' Blog" ... The commenter with the favorite blog title wins! Good luck! And be sure to check out My Miserable, Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy on Amazon or at a bookstore near you!

**Andrea has gone through the entries and chosen her fave. And the winner is... Kittenpie, with her blog name: "Mrs. Dad." Thank you all for your creative and thoughtful entries! You rock! **

30 comments:

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 4:02 PM

So I want to participate in this contest too. My blog title idea is: "my miserable, lonely, lesbian blog" only because I think the book title is awesome and classic. There you go.

CaraBee | 4:47 PM

I don't have a clever blog title idea, although I'll think about it and come back. But I do want to weigh in on the crappy pregnancy bit because, what the hell? Most of my friends had these nausea-free, low weight gain, no bloating or discomfort pregnancies while I had all of the above and then some. Come to find out, I wasn't alone in my misery, but all I ever heard before was that it would be this wonderful bonding time with your unborn child. Meanwhile even after finding out the sex, I still didn't feel any connection or anything. And speaking of sex, it ended somewhere around the fourth month due to the aforementioned maladies, none of that crazy hormonal pregnant sex I'd heard about. Basically, the only good thing was that I got to park in the expectant mother spots at the grocery store. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby...now. But I'm having a really hard time talking myself into the idea of a second child.

Annika | 4:55 PM

I like "My miserable, lonely internet presence." Also, I have to stop reading blogs because I am finding out about WAY too many books that I need to read immediately.

Annika | 4:56 PM

Also-also, I didn't read your comment before I commented and our ideas are almost the same! So obviously one of us is the winner.

shannon | 5:13 PM

Also no clever blog titles here. But just a friendly wave of solidarity in the sucky pregnancy arena. My pregnancies both sucked. Vomiting, more weight gain than I care to discuss, extremely bad swelling, and apparently instead of the horny kind of hormones, I got the bitchy kind. I was not a nice person. It wasn't fun. And I think there are more of us out there than we realize. So fear not! You are not alone!

Caitlin | 5:25 PM

"My miserable, lonely, lesbian - OH SHUT UP!"

You know....for emphasis.

Erin | 5:44 PM

I currently have no clever or witty energy so unless you want a blog titled "Screw This" you're SOL. However, I'm with you on the miserable pregnancy. Bedrest from 24 weeks to delivery. You know what there is to do on bedrest? NOTHING...unless of course you count eating as an activity. Or watching Dr. Phil and constantly wondering how badly I was going to screw up my poor kid. Premature labor and the meds that go with it. Hyperemesis. Oh yeah. Fantastic.

CMP | 6:07 PM

how about"my box rocks"? hey, it gave you a child and a book title...

Black Hockey Jesus | 6:25 PM

"Let's Be An Awesome Dad!"

Yeah you read that right. It says "Lesbian Awesome Dad".

It's like one of those ambiguous deals that say Jesus & Satan at the same time. Or when you see that hot chick's profile but it's also an old crone with a big honking nose. Ambiguity. Symbolic tension.

Do you need my address?

mommymae | 7:00 PM

i was gonna say the same one bec did. oh, well.

kittenpie | 7:07 PM

Yeah, I am not a happy preggy lady, either. Those women who are all, "Oh, I loooove being pregnant!" with glowing rainbows and chirping bluebirds flitting about them? I want to punch them.

And would Mrs. Dad be too simple?
Perhaps Mom=Dad ?

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 8:35 PM

I like Mrs. Dad or maybe...

Mother, Father; Me.

?

Stacy | 12:18 AM

How about Mom|Me (or mom-me).

Because phonetically it says "Mommy", which you obviously are...but the line kind of shows the separation from the term...how you're an alternative kind of parent...you're Mom, but then again maybe Dad...or Mom and Dad.

I don't know if I said all that right or if it makes sense (or if you want something that serious), but it kind of spoke to me when I thought of it and it sounds good in my head.

LOVE your book title, by the way.

Stacy | 12:19 AM

Oh, and my pregnancy left me kind of all "what the hell?" too. My biggest surprise was that I got fat. Like, I guess I thought pregnant fat would be different than regular fat...cuter somehow...but no, it was just fat. A big ass is a big ass, no matter how you look at it.

nancy | 5:56 AM

After reading one of Andrea's recent blog posts, I was going to say Lesbian Vagina. But nah, I'm going to go with Misery Loves Company.

Charlotte | 6:15 AM

Not too thrilled about the pregnant thing, either, but luckily already halfway there.

For the blog, how about "Not all it's cracked up to be"? Because that's what I feel like about pregnancy, delivery, episiotomy, c-section, blah blah blah ...

And yes, I'm also hormonally grumpy.

Anonymous | 6:48 AM

Well I would like to weigh in on the blog naming but unfortunately I am pregnant and one of the most annoying things about being pregnant is that I have no brain to come up with clever titles for blogs. I can, however, weigh in on the whole pregnancy sucks because damn it sucks. I'm 30 weeks, hot, tired, swollen, stupid, sore and oh my god how bitchy can one be. My husband tells me that he is lonely because he misses his wife well dammit I miss me too! Can't wait for this to be over so I can hold this little girl in my arms and have all the misery go away.

Candace

andreaaskowitz.com | 6:54 AM

This is great. So many unhappy pregnant women. Oooh, that doesn't sound nice. Some of you are right there, pissy and fat and ugly. I can cheer though because we're in the same sorority. Right?

I think pregnant fat is cuter than fatty fat. Definitely. Pregnant fat is totally cute. You have to see my girlfriend. Now I'm dead.

Keep the blog names coming!!

Love,
Andrea

elephant hugs | 9:33 AM

I vote for My Daddy, My Hero!! I know it sounds super cheesy burger w/ extra pickles but I think it kind of flows! Or you can take my more obvious "My daddy has a vagina!"

At any rate, good luck to you!! No I hate pregnancy stories to impart. Sorry but I will gladly join your sorority as the historian! I take really good notes.

mfk | 12:00 PM

dadge.com? for dad + vag? no? how about miserabledadge?

e. o. | 12:36 PM

Let's see... Throwing up so much that I had to move in with my parents for a couple months so they could take care of me? Couldn't keep Pedilyte down until after a million trips to the doc... ah, hyperemesis. Then, nausea for my entire pregnancy where I could barely eat and yet was so hungry I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. Acid stomach so bad I couldn't eat citrus when one of my main cravings was oranges. No energy. No brain power. I had grown up with the stories of how my mom had never felt better than when she was pregnant. Well, she had a miserable birth and my baby came out in three pushes with no epistiotomy. so there.

Patty H. | 12:37 PM

How about "Dad inutereo"
Uh that was supposed to be a clever thing about having a uterus, but maybe it sounds better in my head. Either way, I need a copy of this book.

Baby in the City | 2:02 PM

All the way through my first pregnancy I chanted, "eye on the prize, eye on the prize". Might make a good blog title.

Immediately after giving birth, I wanted a do-over. I felt like I finally got it, what the whole thing was for, and that I'd blown the opportunity to appreciate it. So I was *really* looking forward to being pregnant again so I could do the experience proper service. But here I am at 33 weeks and as it turns out, I was right the first time: this su-hucks.

Eye on the prize, eye on the prize!!!

Holls | 2:03 PM

i wasn't gonna comment, but it came like a flash... now i'm not a lesbian, so please excuse me if this is offensive..you know how you can call someone chicana if you are one, but if you're not- it might not be ok? (however, i once or maybe twice, or maybe more kissed a girl or two) anyway... drumroll please.
dyke with tyke.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 7:34 PM

what about:

"Pants on Fire: Wearing the pants the second time around..."

Or something like that?

kittenpie | 12:35 PM

Yay! That's awesome, I never win anything! Glad you liked it, Andrea, and now I can't wait to read about someone else's crummy pregnancy...

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Yvette | 9:50 AM

Ok so I didn't get to read much (at work) but I am a Lesbian DAD... My girlfriend is having our baby and I love it... (I have 2 of my own and got my tubes tied after my second so no more for me that way) my issue is... I wanna breastfeed and she doesn't wanna do it... Is it possible for me to breastfeed our baby??? any help would be great...

Acheter l'ibuprofène | 3:15 PM

I am lesbian dad too. I hope I can be good father for my baby.

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