Some (Pregnant) Girls are Bigger Than Others

Ah, pregnancy how I miss you. The panel pants, the bloated feet, the "your baby is the size of a squash-blossom this week," the weird cravings and bladder issues, the exhaustion, the enlarged pregnancy-nose, the insomnia and constipation and inability to have sex anywhere but in dreams. 

Every other night of my pregnancy with Fable I dreamt of bedding Jeremy Piven (it's crazy I do realize but secretly? I kinda find him sexy. My pregnancy with Archer I was having the same kinds of dreams about Bill Maher who I'm also crazy attracted to like whoa. Maybe because they're both cocky assholes and that was always kinda my thing don't yell at me.)

But I digress... each pregnancy is its own unique beast. With Archer it was Bill Maher and Mud Pie, with Fable it was Jeremy Piven and Fish Tacos. 

I was an older, wiser woman my second pregnancy and didn't have to deal with assholes telling me that I was too young to be pregnant and/or "was I planning on marrying the father?" which was nice.  Pregnancies not out of wedlock are far less dramatic then their alternative.

the week before Fable was born, looking surprisingly decent.

But by far the biggest difference between pregnancies was my weight gain and all around appearance. I was a horrific spectacle with Archer towards the end of my first pregnancy, partly  because of my inability to curb my need to devour pie on a daily basis but also because of the Preeclampsia which left me swollen and bedridden for the last six weeks of my pregnancy. No fun that was at all.

After shooting the above clip(s) for Momversation I sorted through some of the video tapes of me at the end of my pregnancy with Archer and happened upon the following footage, shot hours before my induction. (I was induced the day before my due-date because of my severely high blood pressure brought on by hypertension.)

I've written a lot about my struggles with Hal and our marriage those first few months. It's not easy to marry in the second trimester of a pregnancy, to get sized for a wedding ring on a swelling finger, to consummate a marriage sober (ha!), to "honeymoon" whilst looking your absolute worst in the history of horrible but watching the above footage of Hal telling me that I was beautiful while in my most horrendous of states was/is enough to make me cry. Because regardless of the shit we were in and would continue to go through our first two years of marriage, this clip (along with the rest of the pre-delivery footage) is proof positive that Hal really, truly loved me. Despite my every flaw and fluctuation.

Either that or he was a fantastic liar. 



Lindsay | 1:23 AM

I'm so glad I'm not the only one with an uncontrollable yet utterly hot in that forbidden, wrong way crush on Bill Maher. He's such an ass! Brilliant, but an ass! Yet so sexy!
Same goes with Dr. Gregory House and Alex Trebek. And I don't like older men in person.
Oh yeah, I'm pregnant. Maybe that's what it is.

thecitycradle | 2:08 AM

I too was horribly gigantic at the end of my 1st pregnancy, mine due mostly to cheese danishes and having 2 babies!

The clip was just precious. You are blessed with Hal's love even in the incredibly awful moments. I know that I would have never gotten through that HUGE stage without my hubby's encouragement.

Capital Mom | 4:44 AM

You look pretty good! People kept asking me if I was having twins when I was just 5 months. I'm just short. There is no where for the baby to go but out!

jjlibra | 6:15 AM

hal is awesome. i might even start a fan club for him. and his white teeth.

SP | 7:01 AM

Every woman's story is unique but mine mirrors yours even if it is less dramatic. Preeclampsia is a bitch! I'd do it all over again for either one of those little... err, I mean taller than me refrigerator devouring monsters. I love that way you talk about being a mother to your kids. I didn't have an outlet to write when my kids were that age and now no one really wants to hear about how I love them even though they can be assholes. Now I get to relive the non-assholery moments here. For that, my children thank you, it's cut back on the beatings considerably*

*I'm kidding of course. They just can't sleep without their nightly beatings. :-D

vertigob | 7:33 AM

I was the same way with my son. The worst was the nurse saying, "Whoa!" when I stepped on the scale near the end. HORRIBLE. I couldn't help it, I just wanted to eat turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy for every meal!

It was so much easier with my daughter. I just worried so much more during that pregnancy. I have never really figured out why.

hoppytoddle | 8:34 AM

Yeah, I've posted about how I'm pregnant with a pilgrim, too. And the first trimester + Turkey = Big Time Nappin'.

I think the best time of my whole marriage was the first week after MiniMe was born. I can't wait for that sweet, tender man to come back into my life.

& I'm really trying to get my arse on the elliptical machine, but I'm not being very successful at it. Am staying away from the pie. Oh, & the cocaine. Heather is so great.

Unknown | 9:15 AM

Thanks for this -- my first (and only) pregnancy was much like what yours with Archer sounds like it was -- so it's good to know it won't always be that horrific. :)

Jessi | 11:12 AM

My first pregnancy I was 18. All I heard was how I was too young and was I going to marry the father(cause no one can have a baby without being married right?). My favorite thing ever? My FAMILY. When I started bleeding in my first trimester they said they were disappointed I didn't miscarry because it would have been for the best. I look at my now 8 year old daughter and wonder WHAT THE HELL??

I was on bed rest my entire 3rd trimester due to preeclampsia. I also had morning sickness 8 or the 9 months, the month off? my 5th.. Yup, throwing up does wonderful thing to your BP. I had her at 37 weeks because my blood pressure was at seizure level on medication. That was a fun week recovering in the hospital. At least that water weight was quick to go, I was looking like a pumpkin.

Miz Kizzle | 11:47 AM

Pregnancy stories are women's version of war stories:
";;;and there I was eleven months pregnant weighing 876 pounds and when the labor pains started the car had a flat tire and my husband threw his back out so I had to change it. In the rain!"
Or: "I was in labor for FOUR DAYS with my second. Back labor! And when the baby was born he came out SIDEWAYS!"
BTW, I like the sound the couch made when you flopped down on it.

m | 12:31 PM

Aw. Aww. Awwwwww!! *weep*

m | 12:35 PM

Oh! I wanted to ask this for the longest time, if you're willing to answer -- what does the tattoo across your hip say?

Desiree | 1:49 PM

Awe, what a cute video! Archer must things that's totally rad.

Also, I STILL get asked if we plan on getting married -- MAYBE people, MAYBE!

Jo | 2:04 PM

Oh, I die with this... I too got married at 21 on my second trimester and had a very rough first couple of years. The second pregnancy (I waited a whopping 6 years) was waaay easier for multiple reasons and I cannot believe hubs and I are the happiest we've been 9 years later. The odds were so stacked against us, but I think the fact that he loved my deformed 21-year-old self even though before that all he knew was a young carefree person made all the difference.

Ray | 3:22 PM

Awww, that was a cute clip. And Hal's a sweetheart. =o)

Mrs. Amber F. | 3:48 PM

When I was pregnant I would have the weirdest sex dreams about Mario Lopez. Like, jerry curl, "saved by the bell" Mario Lopez.

Mary@Holy Mackerel | 4:24 PM

I never gained weight in either of my pregnancies. My ass diappeared, and I looked like a flat pancake with a gigantic watermelon hanging off the front. Very very strange. But man, I had good hair.

Lauren From Texas | 5:12 PM

Oh my gosh I hate myself right now. I totally got misty over that video. Lately everything related to anyone else having babies and super-sweet husbands makes me cry. I have a super-sweet husband and we have been married for a year and a half - I want to wait a couple more years to have a baby (hopefully) - but whenever I see a sweet husband (like this morning, I saw a dad TOTALLY DROOLING over his new baby and it was so sweet) - it makes me misty-eyed and I totally look forward to the time when I can see my own sweet husband in action.

Oh, and you did look beautiful. :)

Lauren From Texas | 5:13 PM

I just realized I used "totally" three times in one comment. I'm going to go throw myself off a bridge now... totally.

Maggie May | 5:19 PM

I'm preg with my 3rd and can't believe how different this one is. I threw up violently for the entire first three months, for starters. FUN.
And I have already gained 11 pounds and I"m only 13 weeks. AND I have a spider vein on my leg. Etc. I'm kind of terrified what will morph next.

sarah marie p | 7:43 PM

Nice Smiths reference! That video clip is SO sweet. Oh, and I just finished your book a couple weeks ago and I LOVED it. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Amanda | 7:45 PM

It's the bangs. You look so great with bangs.

I will keep that in mind should I ever bear child. (Note to self: get a hair cut with cute bangs.)

Claudia | 9:12 PM

You have one CUTE husband. I think he's was telling the truth - you looked wonderful. Women are always so critical of themselves when they're in the last trimester ;)

Sarah | 4:15 AM

I'm new to your blog and don't know the back story but I agree the voice in the video sounds full of love.

Anonymous | 6:42 AM

Oh, GOd is real!! I was just about to ask you to run a post on marriage, and why stay married. It's been a tough weekend, I need to hear about your "the divorce that wasn't." Why again do we stay married???? BLess you, you read my mind.

Amanda at Cosmos | 6:48 AM

Cute clip! I'm petrified of pregnancy and all that comes with it, particularly the weight gain. :( I'm glad to know it is possible to look smokin' after two kids! Kudos to you.

Ashley | 6:50 AM

Awwwww!!! I love the pregnancy pictures and videos!! And I looooooove your haircut in the first video!!! Too cute! If I ever decided to cut off all my hair, I would totally get it cut like that!!

Paula | 7:29 AM

Last week I posted a link to my favorite blogger, mentioning the adoration I have for your writing and perspective.

Then this post... I too married pregnant, 5 months with twins no less, looking lovely in taffeta. Cheers-ed with a glass of water to my 90+ drunk guests.

Delivered 2 little boys, one to be circ-ed and botched by a med student. We've grown to accept this.

I think I love your blog so much because I find so many ways to relate. It's refreshing. Oprah missed out BIG-TIME!


amanda h. | 7:57 AM

LOVE the preggo shot and the sweet video. :)

Amanda | 9:34 AM

I saw a picture of myself 9 months pregnant, and I believe my reaction was as follows-

"Wholly shit! Oh my god babe, I was an effin' heifer!"

I then patted myself down just to make sure the 55 lbs, yes 55 LBS, had left my body.

My husband- "I know!"
Me- "Whatever, it's not like you never banged fat chicks in college."

I still have about 29 lbs on my hip. He's much more easier on the eyes though.

Amanda | 9:39 AM

P.S.- I am of the mindset that Hal always (and still does) completely loves you.

Good men are amazing. You and I are pretty lucky broads.

EdenSky | 10:54 AM

OK, so feel free to ignore this question, but...Why DID you get married while you were pregnant? You don't really seem like the kind to be shamed into it, and you've made it pretty clear that you have non-traditional feelings about the permanance of marriage and monogamy etc. So why not wait and do it when you're feeling fab?
How did you get past the bitchy little voice that asks whether he's really here for you, or just for the kid? (maybe I'm the only one who hears that) Of course I'm totally supportive of your decision, I'm just curious about what was going through your head at the time.

Kelly | 11:43 AM

Can I tell you how glad I am that someone else got the pregnancy nose?? No one I know got it, but by the end of my pregnancy, I looked like Clinger from MASH. I'm happy to know that I'm not alone!!

Jasmine | 2:10 PM

Well said. I was about damn tired of people asking me if I was having twins.

April | 4:01 PM

you're gorgeous no matter what, but i have to say (i think) you look especially beautiful with your hair pulled out of your face :-)

Loukia | 6:11 PM

You are stunning, you know. And I'm not saying this in a bad way but I did not recognize you in that video at all! I was a whale both pregnancies. I don't know how I didn't break chairs when I sat down. I do NOT miss the weight gain, but I do miss eating whatever the hell I wanted without saying: "I'm going to start my diet tomorrow...."


That clip is fabulous. (And Hal sounds pretty sincere to me.)

Anonymous | 8:24 PM

Ohhhhh now I really miss being preggers! Thanks a lot!!!!

Julie R | 6:35 AM

i'm 4 months pregant and Babycenter says my baby is the size of an avocado this week :)

J.L. Danger | 12:58 PM

ahhh pregnancy sex dreams, I do love those. This is my third (first time we are hitched! Go figure) and I must say that I do not like it. I have gained weight EVERYWHERE this time, and I have a double chin. Gross. I am ready to be done.

Cindy | 10:09 AM

I get the Jeremy Piven thing. I've had a weird thing for him for years.

Anonymous | 3:22 PM

im so glad Im not the only person that gained over "the suggested 25 pounds" during pregnancy. I weighed 215 pounds at full term (i usually weigh about 135) and then just stared at me when i came in.
You give me hope for a second pregnancy that I won't eat everything in sight and MAYBE, just MAYBE look halfway decent.
Thank you.