Congratulations. Your Baby is now the Size of a Donkey's Left Scrotum

Pardon the crudeness of this week's posts, but can we please talk real quick about the Babycenter "this week your baby is the size of a ... (fill in the blank with most obscure vegetable you can think of) ... newsletter"?

Because, uh... This week, my baby is the size of a rutabaga. Which, I mean, a rutabaga? Really? I mean, WHY? And who came up with these randomly obscure to the point of comedy, vegetable/fruit measurement concoctions?

And P.S. does anyone know what "the size of a rutabaga" actually means? I mean, besides the obvious random-wtf re: rutabaga, don't rutabagas differ greatly in size? I mean... Take this trifecta, for instance. Which one looks more like my baby this week?


exhibit A: 25 weeks

The one on the left? Right? The one in the foreground looking to have a threesome with the other two?

Dare I look ahead to twenty-six weeks to read about my baby's size-to-vegetable ratiotics*?

Aha! Just as I suspected!

"Your baby is now the size of (I swear to God, it says this) an English Hothouse Cucumber..." Which apparently is TOTALLY CRAZY DIFFERENT from your basic, garden-variety cucumber. Even though, according to google-images, it looks exactly like every other cucumber I've ever seen:

exhibit B: 26 weeks

Nothing like a giant green phallus to get me excited about my sweet little bundle of joy.

Honestly, and I'm pretty sure I can speak for the majority of all pregnant (and non-pregnant) women when I say this: I'd have a better idea re: the size-to-comparison if this week featured a pair of donkey balls.

Just saying.

GGC

*a made-up word pertaining to vegetable/fruit/fetus ratios.

28 comments:

Jennifer | 3:21 PM

It seems like the jump from rutabaga to hot-house cucumber is a lot for one week, doesn't it? Maybe like rutabaga to parsnip would make more sense!?

Backpacking Dad | 3:22 PM

The english cucumber has a thinner skin, so you can just eat it whole without peeling (although I never peel regular cucumbers anyway). This is also why it is usually sold wrapped in a condom..er..plastic.

And it's completely coincidental that I have first post twice in a row. Nap time has shifted.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 3:23 PM

Ah, yes. But if any of it made sense...

Backpacking Dad | 3:23 PM

so much for that.

Mom o'Bean | 3:49 PM

At least the shape of the rutabaga seems kinda babyish, albeit a creepy baby. But a cucumber? English or otherwise, they just don't bring to mind visions of tiny little babies.

Heather | 4:41 PM

Yes, i remember doing the "my baby is this vegetabel this week" updates. So weird, because dont you imagine a little veggie swimming around in there as opposed to a baby??? At least you're past the random bean phase ;)

Maternal Mirth | 5:00 PM

I liked it when they said my baby was the size of an olive ... I felt like a human martini.

andrea | 9:33 PM

Wow, I just had a rutabaga for dinner last night and feel a little guilty about it now.

Rachael | 9:37 PM

One time, one of those things told me that my baby was the size of a Kumquat. First of all, I find that to be the dirtiest sounding fruit name ever. Second, who the hell knows how big that even is? Why do they pick these obscure things... I think they have some kind of vegetarian agenda.

kittenpie | 9:52 PM

Hmm. The babycenter Canada version doesn't give me that, it gives me length and weight.

But yuo know, the English cucumbers are skinnier and less seedy, generally, so there's that...

currently fruitless | 4:28 AM

Maybe if men were in charge of the pregnancy literature, all of the size comparisons would be in relation to the size of various animals' balls. You'd go from gerbils and hamsters up to cocker spaniels and Great Danes, and then maybe horses and elephants.

Hilariously, the first TWO hits on Google say that an elephant's testicles "are about the size of a respectable cantaloupe." The flora comparisons are inescapable, apparently.

BTW, the general ickiness of this comment is mere payback for the bush post. You're welcome.

Lindsee | 7:28 PM

I've been wondering the same thing. My baby is now the size of a honeydew melon or she weighs that much. Do people really have that hard of a time estimating in their mind what 5.5 lbs must be like? I'm 35 weeks (finally). Congrats to you on 25 weeks. Here's hoping the next 15 go by quickly.

Peter Orvetti | 4:04 AM

Do they have non-vegetarian options, i.e. "your baby is the size of a rump roast"?

I used to read your blog quite a bit back when I was "daddyblogging" -- it's nice to see you are still writing!

Elisa | 7:42 AM

ugh. measuring size of fetus with similarities with vegetables. way too cute for my taste.

Liam's Mom - Gina | 9:31 PM

Your posts this week have cracked me up... and this one was the icing on the cake. I am laughing! Excellent title and I totally agree!

Anonymous | 6:27 AM

Hey my baby is the size of an English Cucumber this week! Really I don't get this vegetable:baby ratio thingy, seriously couldn't they have thought of a better comparison?

Candace

Sara | 7:00 AM

My baby is the size of a fig. Weeeeeeeee!

Ali | 7:19 AM

you just know the girl who writes these is sitting back and laughing her ass off right now..
:)

'That Girl' | 7:30 AM

I know..it's probably some sick joke. She's cackling picturing us all frantically googling Kumquats and Rudabagas;staring and squinting and turning our heads slightly, bewildered at the English cucumber comparison.

Meghan Elaine | 9:21 AM

This post made me laugh. I'm going through IVF right now and I hope, hope, hope I am pregnant with a baby the size of a grape tomato soon!

ChefSara | 10:06 AM

totally agree...apparently my baby this week is the size of a "crenshaw melon." i've never even heard of one of those, and I generally consider myself a foodie. Totally random...

Windy | 2:26 PM

That is totally funny! I signed up for so many random email alerts on my first pregnancy that I didn't even realize how ridiculous the ones were from BabyCenter - probably b/c I never even read them just deleted. I am going to totally have to sign up this time around for shits n' gigs.

Mom101 | 3:44 PM

Absolutely hilarious Bec. You could inspire a new generation of parents to stop referring to the baby as "the little bean" and as the "little English hothouse cucumber."

Rolls right off the tongue.

Mandy | 4:22 PM

I always thought those were so random, too. My personal favorite? The prune. I thought so many of the other comparisons were juicy, healthy, ALIVE veggies, at least. But, a prune? It's all shriveled and dead-looking! I was all, PLEASE don't compare my baby to a prune ever again, kthxbai. Eesh.

LiteralDan | 11:05 PM

Well, there goes my kumquat joke-- way to beat me to it, Somebody Else.

Anyway, just let us know when your baby is the size of a celeriac, cause man, do I remember that age.

pamela | 7:00 PM

babycenter.com... gotta love it! those crazy bishes. but seriously i secretly looked forward to getting that email every week. it was like, "oooh, what's going to happen this week!". sorta like watching the weather channel... i can go outside and see the weather, but you know, i'll check online first before i go outside.

Jeni | 10:10 AM

But those aren't rutabagas, those are turnips! Rutabagas are the yellow ones. Somewhat bigger, and much tastier mashed with fried onions.

Anonymous | 10:00 AM

OMG I found this site by sheer accident...and i'm busting a gut...this is awesome....i'm at the almost blueberry....would that be compared to rabbit testies? LMAO. Keep up the posts...love it.