The Only Bush I Trust... Er, Not Really.

I'm not a fan of hair anywhere but on my head. It's more than just me being not-so-much-a-fan, honestly. I have a bit of a hair-phobia. Too much body hair makes me nervous, which is why I've never waxed anything but my eyebrows in my life -- no way I could wait the necessary time for pits/pubes/leg hair to grow.

photo credit: fashionablygeek.com

I've been shaving my nether regions since the first sight of pubic hair at fourteen and have never experienced a full bush. Ever. That is until my last pregnancy when I couldn't reach or see the southern tip of my torso, thus leading to hair in places I'd never experienced. Luckily I couldn't see what was going on down there so it didn't bother me so much. Even in the mirror my belly covered my downunda and Hal didn't say anything, probably because we were newly dating (eight months) and were still loving on every idiosyncrasy. Or maybe he was just being nice.

This time around, we're mean to each other a lot more comfortable with one another so the other night when I stripped down to nothing, Hal promptly called me out.

"Nice bush, Bec."

"Shut up. Really, omigawd!?"

I ran out of the room, plucked my MAC compact from my makeup bag and went to see for myself. Sure enough, there it was: a hairy downsouth. I almost fainted. Something had to be done. Like, now.

I do realize that hairless vagoos are somewhat controversial around these parts. Many women believe in the power of "the bush" and that's all fine and cool with me. My inability to deal with pubic hair has more to do with the fact I've never had any, not because I want to look like a pre-pubescent or a pornstar.

Growing up my friends and I all shaved our pubes, and not because "boys wanted us to." It was a harmless bonding experience: Sisterhood of the No-pubes-in-our-pants. And as far as I know, none of us ever grew them out again. For me it has always been very comfortable. I shave when I shave my legs and have never dealt with the red-bumps because I'm *usually* very regular with the razor.

Until recently.

Trying to shave ones "south" is no easy task when you have a basketball hanging over your bikini line. I'm not going into details re: how I managed to pull off a quick vagishave. Let's just say, I needed a little assistance and A LOT of bandaids.

Needless to say, anti-bush pregnant woman might want to take a different approach to their pubic region. (Like, say, dishing out the $40 bucks for a Brazilian.)

Meanwhile, I have an Elmo bandaid in my ass-crack.

GGC

And in other news: My wish to give our baby two middle-names was blown to smithereens by Hal and a little something we married folk like to call "compromise."After weeks of negotiations we have settled on ONE middle-name for our babe.


46 comments:

Backpacking Dad | 2:29 PM

I'm going to need a moment to pick up the pieces of my skull that are now lying around the living room floor.

I was innocently expecting a little love-piece on Archer and some neighborhood plant.

Ok. Skull re-assembled. "Sisterhood of the No-pubes-in-our-pants" was awesome.

Sharon | 2:53 PM

Girl, once you go Brazilian, you'll never go back...seriously.

At 8 months preggo, I still go. I'm sure I'm quite the site waddling in there with my big old belly, but I don't care. Even though I can't see what's going on down there right now, I KNOW that it's down there, and that's enough to make me keep my appointments.

CheekySweetie | 3:01 PM

When I was prego with my oldest daughter, I had a stripper friend that shaved me. No hanky panky, just stripper smooth bits, lol. It was great! And our men in the other room were just sure something was going on, which cracked us up. I was so pregnant I couldn't shave my bush...can you really imagine wanting to have lesbian sex with that? Come on, now. But anyway, what a good friend, huh?

With my youngest daughter, I didn't give a hoot if I looked like Cousin It down there: I had gone to the ER thinking I was in labor, and was sent home after being checked and strapped up to the monitors for a while. A few days later I thought I had something going on down there and suddenly it occurred to me...I forgot to tell the nurse who checked me that I was allergic to latex! I was messed up down there for almost a MONTH. I had no idea how tore up I was until after I had her and my belly went down to not-quite-normal, but-at-least-you-can-see-your-goodies-when-you-go-to-the-bathroom. It was horrid...I called my husband in and he said, "Um, babe, we need to call the nurse." He had no idea because I didn't let him near me the last month. (Because of the allergic reaction, of course.)

Now, I'm not pregnant, I just have the biggest ass on anyone on the planet with a waist under 40 inches. Seriously, I should go for a world record. It's hard to maneuver around. Even from the front, it's *that* big.

Sigh.

kittenpie | 3:40 PM

Last time, I religiously continued to go for the bushwaxes, but somewhere along the way, I started taking care of business myself and need I say that all it's getting now is a light trimming because that's all I can reach? Yeah. Well, it's not like I have a lot to worry about anyhow, I'm not a very hairy person, and it's also not like Misterpie is seeing it much right now. Will deal with it later, when I'm not so tired. Maybe this summer?

Heather | 3:43 PM

When I was on bed rest, I had to let myself go. I was only allowed a five minute shower, not nearly enough time to take care of business. I couldn't WAIT to get all cleaned up once I was no longer pregnant.

I think we SoCal girls have a different idea about pubes, too, on account of the bathers we wear year-round.

That picture cracked me up.

Jenn | 3:56 PM

That was hilarious!

Managing around my pregnant torpedo of a belly was a nightmare. I would be in the most compromising, one-legged position trying to de-hair down there. I thought for sure I'd sooner or later slip on a patch of conditioner, and hit the shower floor hard enough to send me into early labor.

I gave up grooming around month 9. All the twisting and contorting kept giving me Braxton-Hicks contractions.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 4:00 PM

Touche, Heather. I don't even think I wore pants until i was eighteen. The rest of the time it was bikinis and flipflops, even on Christmas morning.

Black Hockey Jesus | 4:22 PM

This is probably the best post I've ever read in my entire life.

Patty H. | 5:10 PM

You are nuts! I love it! I don't think I ever would have thought of a woman so openly talking about her pubes, let a lone a mommy-woman! Someday Archer is going to want to read your blog (maybe when he's 20 or so) and will get the great laugh of going back to hear about how his baby sister gave mommy razor burn. Hilarious!

KaritaG | 5:58 PM

You're too funny. It's true though, once you go brazilian you can never go back...I lived in costa rica for a summer and spent most days in a bikini and got hooked on them there, and now I can't stop. It has nothing to do with looking like a child or a pornstar, because god knows I don't look a thing like either...I just like it. It looks good, it feels good. That's it. GREAT POST!

Anonymous | 6:38 PM

i have the same problem!!! i keep shaving though, using the feel method. i don't always get it perfect, but i try real hard. haha.

PunditMom | 6:46 PM

I have two words for your -- laser treatment. Almost permanent and never wax again!

Danielle | 6:51 PM

HAHAHAA! That picture is the grossest! I just gagged!

Mrs. Schmitty | 6:55 PM

Oh how lucky for Elmo! SNORT! Funny post!

stljoie | 8:19 PM

Oh shit...now I know I'm old. The only times I've been shaved is before delivery. I guess I just don't get it. I am an artist that has been figure drawing with models for years and never once has one been bare. I mean the worst was the Tampax string hanging out. I don't find the soft triangle ugly at all and neither does my husband or the we wont talk about how many lovers before him.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 8:56 PM

Okay, seriously? These comments are amazing. I'm dying over here.

merlotmom | 9:15 PM

Okay, I was expecting some political commentary and I got pubes. ANd if that wasn't enough I got that picture. Ewww. I'm still shaking it off. I've always been a shaver but I like to leave a little somethin somethin tween me and my hanky pankies. The one time I went bare there I was busy rubbing myself against every hard surface available - it just felt soooo good. Too good, I let it grow out and have trusted the bush ever since. Keeps me sane.

mothergoosemouse | 9:17 PM

Yeah.

Just...yeah.

Baby in Broad | 9:35 PM

I prefer the no-pubes route myself, but I've always been kind of lazy about keeping up with shaving. Except when I was pregnant. I was obsessive about the pube-shaving. I even managed to shave two days before I delivered. I'm still not sure how I did it, but it CAN be done.

Tiffany | 9:51 PM

Shaved here too. I hate the thought of a bush. (I even like my hubby to trim)

There is something so 70s porn about a big ole bush. Besides, it pokes out the sides of my panties and that freaks me right out.

Oh and Brazilian? The best.

Amber | 12:01 AM

i wax and shave when i get too lazy to wax. i let it grow out of sheer laziness lots of times, but blech, much prefer the nekkid to the bushy. i'm with you, body hair of any kind is naaaasty! plus side to waxing the vag and the legs - it grows back so thin and slow, very nice.

Sass E-mum | 1:22 AM

Sorry to break the flow of pube news, but I had to commiserate on your bad luck on the middle names.

Peaches has two! Alice Lucia (her grandmothers' middle names)

Also her dad has two. Slightly less lyrical. Charles Brian.

Oddly both his sisters have to share the same single name. Ann. It's a bone of contention among the sibs that he lucked out with all the middle names.

bmcisfucked | 6:15 AM

i miss your bush.
save me.

Emilee-Ann | 8:35 AM

I understand completely You may be able to you use Nair which is great when you see what you are doing. I would talk to your OB First. I read something on it online, plus no Elmo band aids on your Ass crack. I need to throw it in here that We miss you greatly.

BagLady | 11:53 AM

I do my own brazilians with Nair wax strips ($6 per box)and its really easy. The soothing menthol ones work the best and I use a hair dryer to get them warmer than just rubbing them between my hands. Plus, I can't bear the idea of spreading my legs to a stranger. You don't have to wait until all the hair grows back to keep doing it, either. It's easy to keep things nice and tidy downtown!

Amber | 1:46 PM

oh, also, another do your own braz tip: personally i find that sugar wax works better than regular wax because the sugar only sticks to the hair and not the skin. the one time i used regular wax...yoooowee. not fun. i do my own because the one time i went and got it done i walked away with first and second degree burns. oh yes i did. :|

that girl | 1:53 PM

I'm pretty grossed out by the bush I always keep things nice and neat down there. Not completely bare though unless it's summer time and I'll be wearing a swimsuit.

During the first pregnancy I did really good keeping up w/ it - the last one I just couldn't find the energy to even freak'n care.

Ivy | 3:08 PM

Oh my, this is like the best post evah...I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. My colleagues are probably wondering what I'm reading.

I can totally relate to what Jenn said up above, having to contort or what not in the bathroom to get the biz done. At one point, I asked the hubs to do it for me, but he was scurred to get near my neather region with a razor. So I had to settle for putting a small cosmetic mirror on the side of the tub so that I could navigate...even then getting around my big ole belly was a struggle.

Anonymous | 5:00 PM

GGC - you've inspired me! Immediately after reading your post, I too decided something had to be done. I hope I haven't scarred my 15 month old who was in the bathroom with me at the time - there's no way he can remember that - right? RIGHT???? And just so we're clear, you're talking shaved as in "bald"? Not just a trimmed back strip/triangle and down to the skin on the sides? I had a moment where chafing came to mind, and I thought, "oh crap, now I've done it!" I don't want an incident like your first tampon experience!! Anyhoo, I'm going to wait for my husband to notice and then be nonchalant and say, "IT'S HOT THIS SUMMER!!" I think I'm a little embarrassed and not sure if it looks good yet... Maybe this would be a good offshoot for Whoorl's Hair Thursday blog - HA!

Ali | 5:05 PM

brazilian wax.
hands down.
no question.
forget the razor.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 5:11 PM

Ha, Anon! You are too cute! Yep, bald. Although a little racing stripe never hurt anyone. I dabble in the stripe fo sho. And HAHA Re: Whoorl's hair thursday! GGC's Pube Sunday, perhaps? Although... I'm not sure many people would be up for sending in their BEFORE and AFTER pics. Hm...

Mom o'Bean | 6:51 PM

I've gone both bare and landing strip but have settled into a comfortable routine of controlled isosceles triangle now. However towards the end of my pregnancy I couldn't see anything and gave up on keeping it perfectly shaved and trimmed. Until I was talking to a friend about it and she asked if I was full on ZZ Top down there. A trip to the bathroom with a hand mirror confirmed that the embarrassing (and disgusting) answer was yes. I fixed that situation. Fast. That will NOT happen again.

Anonymous | 6:56 PM

I have yet to try waxing below the belt, y'all...I'm just too damned scared. That shit will HURT. I've shaved it all off once (husband did it, omg was it hot! Wild monkey sex for me!) anyway, it was all good and fun 'til that shit started to grow back. I wanted to get naked and shimmy up a pine tree. It was red bump, ingrown hair MISERY for weeks. WTF? Seriously..waxing the bits..how bad is it really?

Mandy | 7:43 PM

mom o'bean - "...full on ZZ Top" I just about spewed my drink.
You're right, GGC, these comments are great~ :-)
And the picture? To DIE for.
GGC's Pube Sunday. ha ha ha ha ha!
I'm THERE.

mfk | 8:59 PM

haha! love it. also a big fan of the landing strip, and yes, also since about 15 :)

Windy | 9:51 PM

OMG I seriously remember the last time I was prego and I used like nine mirrors to see what I was doing. I ended up with ingrowns and razor burn like no ones business but I was not about to be the lady with "full bush" for my delivery. However, little did I know that I would be taken in for an emer-c section and they literally shave everything off with a 15 year old dull men's shaver.

Jessica | 6:24 AM

Rebecca, i found myself excitedly reading this post because for the first time ever i've come across someone who has the exact same issues with hair as me! I'm happy! I feel like way less of a freak now (all my girl friends are really into bush) and i feel like i could do a little dance!

I've never waxed or anything cause like you i don't wanna actually GROW it and i always used to get a bit of razor burn until i took the advice of a stripper and started exfoliating the area with an exfoliating glove. It works a treat! I never had any problems after that.

Should i get knocked up and i think a trip to the waxer will be on the cards though ...

emilie | 8:12 AM

I'm not sure that's the manufacturers intended use of an Elmo bandage. ;)

Anonymous | 11:53 AM

ok - so I am learning lots from these comments. But..um, a band-aid in your ass crack? You shave back there too? HOW?

Anonymous | 1:59 PM

That picture gives me the heebie-jeebies.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 4:37 PM

I shave wherever there is a hair that lives and needs to die. And let's be honest with one another, ladies, sometimes the hairs find a way near/around/into the ass-crack. I will have no hair in or near my ass. Amen. A little spread and shave and POOF! Good as new.

Anonymous | 4:57 PM

look at that.
learn something new every day.

the weirdgirl | 9:45 PM

I'm a wax girl myself, but will shave if needed. Getting a wax done, however, definitely gets rid of any butt or other wandering hairs! And getting rid of those are SO WORTH spreading for strangers, let me tell you.

I honestly can't remember what I did during pregnancy. I think I waxed to a point and then gave up. But my c-section scar was actually made just below my pube line. When the hair grew back in it seriously looked like a smiley mouth and a teen's first straggly 'stache. If I had put on some stick-on googly eyes I could have done my own puppet shows.

I'll try to remember that for next time.

This Must be the Place . . . | 8:46 PM

I literally laid on my back and performed random acts of contortion to shave until the very end. Not a very even job, but I managed to prevent the bushness.

AFTER -- well, that was a different story. With a massive infection from the C-section -- and an open wound for FOUR (count 'em)months, I couldn't shave until the wound healed and/or I could bend over without my guts spilling out. Needless to say, I had the grossest bush ever to have grown. The day I got rid of was one of the best days of my life, a close to second to giving birth to my son.
Hurrah for the sisterhood of bushlessness.

Sara | 8:13 AM

These ARE the best comments ever, seriously. Thanks for the, er, food for thought. Ha!

Anonymous | 3:03 PM

The law firm where I work has a Paris office. Twice or thrice a year I go there on business/pleasure. Who would have thought that the average beautifully attired and carefully made-up female French attorney has huge tufts of armpit hair?
I played racquetball with two such creatures and yikes!
They, on the other hand, found my shaved armpits and those of my other female American colleague to be tres amusee.
I have no idea what they do about their lady parts. I groom mine to a neat, topiary-like appearance. No a weird topiary, a carefully tended one that proclaims, yes, I am a post-pubescent woman and no, I don't want anything hanging out or pinching me when I cross my legs.
BTW, if my husband had made the remark that yours did when I was six months pregnant, that would be the last he would ever see or otherwise experience of the part in question.
I prefer to keep my mate in a mood of humble gratitude at all times.