A Comedy of Air-ors

Archer didn't sleep on the airplane. He didn't want to play with any of his toys either. He didn't want to watch his DVDs or play with his Etch O' Sketch. He didn't want to play with his spinny yoyo thingy or his Magna-Doodle or read any of his books. He didn't want to do anything but try to stand on my face and open and slam the window shade while simultaneously pressing the reading lights on and off. On and off and on and on and, yeah-- for five hours.

Archer, pictured above: the calm before the storm, gate 47A, LAX.

We arrived in Ft. Lauderdale at 5am yesterday morning after THE most uncomfortable flight of all time, exhausted and just plain ol' sad. Because it sucks staying up all night. Especially when you WANT to sleep and you're sick with a week long head cold that (shock!) does not feel any better after a cross-country Red-Eye flight with a titty-twistering toddler who thinks late-night airplane rides mean party-time. Ugh.

I would also like to take this opportunity to let American Airlines know that their decision to play High School Musical 2 on a Red-Eye is by far the lamest most idiotic thing ever. High School Musical 2 is not Red-Eye material. High School Musical 2 should not be screened on a plane at 2am, or anywhere for that matter when the only people who aren't fast asleep are parents of young children not amused by singing, dancing candy-coated tweens. And no offense to Zac Efron, but you're no Shia Labeouf, dude. Not even close.

Oh and the bag? The super-huge way-cute bag that I very proudly fit all of our airplane stuff in? Ha! Well! The damn thing was so heavy that Hal had to carry it to keep it from breaking completely. Because the straps did not appreciate being weighed down by so much unnecessary crap and tore significantly on both sides. The bag was as pathetic and broken as we... Oh, dear.

Of course, this is what I get for having a "plan".... To hell with what I said in my last post. What an amateur I was! An optimistic, naïve, amateur! Next time = No Red-Eye. No giant bag. No nothing.

Our family seen here during happier times: Lot B Shuttle, LAX.

In fact, screw flying. I'm walking home to Los Angeles next week. The thought of another flight makes me want to cry. In fact, I did (cry). On the beach this morning. Right before I passed out in the sand, exhausted, sick and totally beyond frustrated.

Agahkjsdgakjhjdhkjhsflajw acsnau3o828u41op923p1 !!!


...Cross-posted at Straight From the Bottle because I'm lazy and exhausted and am hijacking some neighbor's faulty Internet and have been trying to post this effing blog post for an absurd amount of time because I keep losing signal. And I feel like the Grinch Who Stole Thanksgiving when honestly, I really did want to take this time to post about how thankful I am for everything in my life because I really am thankful and have such tremendous blessings and this year has been so great and I love my family and my friends and 98% of the time, my life. And Thanksgiving is about appreciation and love and eating a shitload of meat (which is, in my vegopinion kind of gross) and family and pilgrims and togetherness and cranberry sauce out of the can (always seemingly better than the homemade stuff) and being thankful. And I truly am. Really. Happy Thanksgiving to all.


Scar | 10:17 PM

i love you. I hope your flight home is much better :) I have much to tell you lady!

L | 12:38 AM

Ever flown to Australia with a 1-year old who's just learned the joy of walking? - NOT NICE.

Don Mills Diva | 7:55 AM

Yikes - Happy Thanksgiving to you. I hear you about the flight. I took Graham to Ireland and back last spring - it was supposed to be a lifelong dream - yada yada yada and it was just so hard and it just kinda sucked and I still feel sad when I think how much better it could have been if I had known then what I know now about traveling with a toddler. Sigh.

Loukia | 8:15 AM

Loved this post... makes me feel so not alone as a mom! Flying and driving with toddlers is never a good thing... poor you!

Anonymous | 11:26 AM


Don't worry, he's at that between age where he can't be pawned off with books and new toys, but those times will soon pass and you will have an awesome little jet-setter on your hands. :) I hope your flight home is just as interesting, but not as frustrating!

PS: You can still be thankful and frustrated at the same time!

Lindsay | 1:00 PM

No two flights are ever the same. Does that make you feel hopeul?
Hope so!
I've flown a lot w/my 15 month-old but I told everyone no more. It was maddening & exhausting. I feel for you.
Good luck on the way back.

kittenpie | 1:14 PM

Ugh. I only hope that having got there, the turkey will heal the sick with it's chicken-like poultry properties, the warm sun and sand will let you rest and relax a bit, and you will be fully mellowed by the time it's time to try again. Oh yeah, and that maybe this time Archer will sleep. Slip him some extra turkey and warm milk first for the tryptophan. That oughta do it.

Anonymous | 4:00 PM

Hal looks so young! Like you robbed the cradle! How's Archer doing with his talking? Next time you want a comfortable, sturdy carry-on bag, get it on etsy. They even make them in the same fabric as the Betseyville one that self-destructed. Maybe it was emo.


Oh, man. Hal wants to hump your leg for saying that Smirkfest. Dude is OLD. Got almost a decade on me. But his skin ees like a baby's bottom.

I don't live here anymore. | 9:24 AM

awe!!! I am in Ft. Lauderdale too!! You picked a great week! Weather is gorgeous! Where ya guys staying? And what brings ya here? Hit me up! xoxo

Jen | 11:09 AM

Ugh, I just took my 11 month old little girl to Italy-ON MY LAP. They gave me the seat that doesn't recline-but the person in front of yours does.
The staff sucked, in fact when I took her for a little walk to calm her down a flight attendant was so rude to me I started crying and then she kept making comments so I called her a bitch. I had to deal with the FBI when I got off the plane. They decided to triple check our customs and we had 3 plane changes-sprinting to catch each plane. A total of 16 hours. So, as drastic or not, I feel your pain.

Shawn | 3:57 PM

Well, if it makes you feel any better, we didn't even take a flight, just a short road trip, and the past three days have been the most miserable in a long time. The only time my two toddlers haven't cried and been miserable is just before bed -- and then they refuse to do that.

I'm grateful, too ... just not this very second. Maybe tomorrow ... maybe next week or maybe next Thanksgiving.

Meemo | 8:55 PM

The last time we flew, I packed us all up in one suitcase. I was so proud until the airline bastards charged me for my suitcase being too heavy.

Good luck on your return trip. Walking would not be fun. It would just extend the hell that is traveling with a toddler.

Anonymous | 9:41 PM

what happened to wanting to stay up till the breaka-breaka dawn? ...oh. right. not on a plane with a kid. gotcha.

hope your flight back goes better...

Fraulein | 7:59 AM

This is why the idea of flying from Boston to L.A. with a 3-year-old fills me with horror. We're not going until spring so I'm just blocking it out of my mind for a couple more months.