Paternity Test


Sometimes when it's late at night and Hal and I are holding hands under the covers, trading stories of yesteryear while caressing one another sweetly on the cheek, Hal turns to me...

"Rebecca?" he says. "Are you sure Archer's mine?"

At which point I usually kick him in the face. Okay, so I don't do that. But I do roll my eyes and cross my arms and shake my head and do that whole annoyed sigh/groan thing.

"No, Hal, he's not yours. He's some other dude's I stole away to screw while you and I were hovering about Los Angeles on clouds of spanking-new-love-lust. Arghghhakjshjkadk!"

This isn't a new evening ritual. Hal's been commenting about Archer's "real father" since Archer was born, half-jokingly of course. But there is a small part of him that has doubts. Especially now that Archer refers to Hal not as "Daddy" but as "Hal" ... Nothing like publicly calling his daddy by his first name to justify Hal's reasoning for questioning.

A close friend of mine who also got pregnant after dating her boyfriend a relatively short time also has this issue.

"He asks me all the time if our baby is his. The other day he asked me to take a paternity test! Like the kind they do on Jerry Springer!"

"But she looks exactly like him!" I said.

"I know! He's out of his mind!"

I felt her pain. Except for some reason the whole "are you sure it's mine, baby" thing seems to be something that effects many baby's daddies. I recently spoke to a friend whose pregnancy was planned and her husband often doubts his paternity as well. Especially when he and his wife get into a fight.

"He's the mailman's kid, isn't he?"

Of course, such comments have been made since the beginning of time.

(Can you imagine how it was for Joseph? I mean, God knocked up his wife for Christ sake.* That's waaaay more serious than a mailman. Or even a UPS man for that matter.)

To be honest, I don't blame Hal or any father for having his doubts now and then. Sometimes I look at Archer and wonder if he's mine and I carried him in my body and saw with my own eyes as he exited my body and into the world.

So, yeah. It's weird and I get it. Kind of. But seriously... Really? Really. Are we seriously still having this conversation, two and a half years later? And will we be having it still, in two more years. Please say, no, because.... sighgroansigh. Sigh. Groan.


Because, yes, Hal, unless God impregnated me with the new Messiah, you are the father. Congratulations, babe. He's beautiful and perfect and yours. Now can we please go to bed?


GGC

*
Heh.

23 comments:

dvl | 6:38 PM

who's Hal?


(j/k)

xo

Petunia Face | 6:51 PM

Ha! Right after my daughter was born my husband had the nerve to ask where she got the curly hair. The hair that was curly still with PLACENTA AND MOM JUNK! And this was a planned baby had by means of an unsexy fertility monitor. Ugh. Luckily I was was numb from the neck down with a spinal tap or surely I would have neutered him right then and there.

superblondgirl | 5:27 AM

I used to get that, too, and finally my husband just got the paternity test (mainly b/c his older son via stupid ex-wife really might not have been his and it was driving him insane, and there was, seriously, some kind of two-for-one discount or something). Even now, he still jokes about it, and it's like "dude, you got the TEST. Your brother is a) 15 and b) has a different father, so c) couldn't bet that 1% uncertainty, okay?"

Wendy | 7:25 AM

There was never a doubt, because (like everyone tells me) they look exactly like my husband. It was nice that his mother keeping telling me, after my daughter was born, that she could never deny the baby. You guessed it, because she LOOKS JUST LIKE HER FATHER.

Hey, I wonder if these kids are mine?

Chef's Widow | 8:57 AM

My hubs has said the same thing since Catcher was born (while we were still living in 'sin') and now with the birth of our daughter, Louisiana, I am getting it all over again. She was born last Tuesday and already Jonathon is questioning if he is her daddy. They are spitting images of each other...men are so loco.

Theresa | 11:33 AM

I used to get this question too--until we got the test done. I did not want to hear the same question/comment one more time. He no longer utters the words. The proof is in Caty's face, but seeing it on paper sort of helped.

the weirdgirl | 11:42 AM

Welcome to the reason women were sequestered until their wedding day for hundreds of years.

fidget | 12:07 PM

the Hubster never questioned paternity but i have come thiiiis close to decking his father several times after he's proud exclaimed : There's no denying who that kid's father is. Does he think I whore around in my spare time?

mfk | 12:47 PM

wanna hear a worse story that will make you feel a little better about the situation? yeah you do, don't lie to me:

my mom and dad are both brown haired/ brown eyed, as am I (first kid). my younger brother came out blond/ blue, and the blue eyes stuck. it was a recessive gene, my mom's brothers both have the blond/blue and my dad must have had it from somewhere... but my mom got so much crap from my grandma (dad's mom)... "he doesn't look at all like his father..." etc. and the worst part: unbeknownst to my grandma, it was actually my dad who was cheating on my mom at the time.

ta da!! the paternity question lives on in the most ridiculous of situations. now go to sleep :).

kgirl | 12:48 PM

Not long ago we were all at Ikea, where they had a larger-than-life sized 'lifestyle' photo of a very hot blonde man on the wall of one of the showrooms. Bee walked right over and yelled, 'DADDY!'
Her (real) father has been looking at me suspiciously ever since ;)

Andrea | 12:54 PM

I'm fielding that question about baby 2 and (s)he's not even born yet! Just because it only took one time on a weekend day when Mike was home between week long trips to Dallas for his work doesn't mean I got busy with the milk man.

I don't even like milk. Or have a milk man. And our mailman is a mailwoman.

I do get it, but really? Really? Let's just take my word for it, shall we?

Kian | 1:21 PM

Thank god it's not just my husband who does this!

Tiffany | 3:48 PM

You too huh? What is it about men? I was dating mine for three years before Julia and he still jokes about it. Three kids later the "teasing" still happens.

jennster | 4:38 PM

lmfao. what the hell?!?! that shit is funny.
dude... i have been living under a rock and i JUST HEARD ABOUT YOUR BOOK AND I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU AND WANTED TO TELL YOU CONGRATS AND LICK YOU AND STUFF!!!!! so yeah. :)

mothergoosemouse | 5:50 PM

Tacy has these big bright blue eyes that neither Kyle nor I can trace to either of our families.

So if you ask her where she got her eyes, she'll tell you, "From the mailman."

Anonymous | 7:53 PM

I'm glad you are gracious about this and see humor in it. I swear I could not take that from my husband. That would really piss me off. My girl looks identical to her daddy though and everyone tells her (and him this). So when people ask her who she looks like, she says, "I look like my daddy, but I'm sweet like my mommy." : ) - Missy

Anonymous | 1:57 AM

Funny stuff. My DH and I have never slept with anyone else (pre and post marriage) so that question has never come up.

Liam's Mom - Gina | 12:14 PM

I love this post! This comes up at our house too. And you mentioning your own blood relation cracks me up... I do the same thing.

Cheryll | 6:18 PM

Ok Funny! Sometimes when I am calling for my dad, he says, You cant prove that!

Meems | 7:06 PM

My son has called his dad by his first name since he could speak. It's never bothered him, but we do like to joke about the mailman thing, since he's really a mailman. My son looks completely Mexican while his dad's a blue eyed farm boy.

kittenpie | 3:24 PM

What? That is crazy. If Misterpie asked that, I could only laugh, but then, I know he'd be joking. If he sounded serious? I'd be damn pissed.

Suburban Oblivion | 5:01 AM

If my husband did that? He'd seriously be minus a body part.

Anonymous | 8:55 AM

I have a tiny reason to doubt my husband's paternity to my son but he has no idea. My son has dark eyes and hair just like my husband. I also have dark eyes/hair My ex fiancé (blonde/green eyes) and I slept together one time, which is the same month I got pregnant. I comfort myself saying we're all dark haired/dark eyes. But my ex says they're dominant traits and maybe there is a possibility. He looks just like me. I don't have the courage to get a paternity test.