Are You There God? It's Me, Sickhead

I'm sick. You're sick. We're all sick. Sick, sick.

I never used to get sick before Archer. Maybe once every five years I'd get a cold but other than that, I've always been pretty healthy. Used to be. Past tense.

Because for the last sixteen and a half months I've been perpetual sick-chick. I'm like that nose in the commercial that walks around on two legs, except I'm clutching a small, sneezing baby nose as I try to entertain (us) by cranking the volume to the ONE children's CD we have. (I don't mean to deprive my child but one seems like more than enough.)

Before Archer was born I could afford to get sick. Shit, man, I looked forward to it! It was a treat! I got to watch High Fidelity a hundred times. I stayed in bed and wore my PJs to walk the dogs and ate a shitload of buttered bread and applied Vicks Vapo rub like moisturizer. Awesome! Being sick was an excuse to buy trashy magazines and eat out of a can. Being sick was an excuse to have dirty hair, sleep until noon and wear (gulp) Ugg Boots.

Ah, yes because in ye olden days, I didn't have to work until 1am five nights a week. I didn't have a toddler-on-the-run (crawl) and have to chase him around the house, wasted on cough syrup, tripping on the side-effects of Tylenol PM, after accidentally taking it instead of the regular. (Has anyone ever fallen asleep face-down in hardwood?) Yes, now I can say I have.

Being sick with a baby/toddler/child is pretty much the same thing as breaking both legs and then being asked to run a marathon. Effing H'ing impossible.

I do not have a staff of seventeen and now that my baby's daddy is back to work and the dogs STILL can't housekeep (WTF, Cooper!?) it's all up to me.

And so I lie here, clad in sweatpants, hair matted to my forehead c/o the grease from last week's hair-product overdose, looking out across a horizon of Legos and Theraflu boxes, drunk on exhaustion, with a brilliant idea:

Moms should be immune to all illness during the first ten years of parenthood.

I would be willing to sacrifice my future health (an entire year of postnasal drip would be a bargain!) for the above request.

Cure me now and keep me healthy until 2015 and I'll never swear again. Or make a left turn without using my blinker. Or take more than one free sample. Or double-dip.

Are you there, God? Goddess? Allah? James Brown? Charlie Brown? I'll worship a false idol if that's what it takes. L. Ron Hubbard?

Because this is me bitching, with ONE child. I can't even begin to know the hardship that is MWSWMTOC. (Mothering While Sick With More Than One Child) I presume it's like running a marathon with two broken legs AND no head.

And so my hat goes off to the headless.

(Sorry about the hair.)



Anonymous | 10:57 PM

Blech! Good luck and good health to you... It can be so hard to take care of yourself when you are sick, and adding a sick baby to the mix makes it that much more difficult!

Skip the Tylenol PM and go for a NeoCitran or NyQuil!

Think non-sneezy thoughts...

the mad momma | 1:05 AM

its funny.. but ever since I had the brat i have been sickly too. i guess the body is just no longer as immune as it was pre-pregnancy... and its really no fun to be a sick mother and son...
get well soon you two..

Birchsprite | 4:08 AM

Take care and hope you are feeling better soon!

Momma Bean | 5:14 AM

Ooh..hope you are feeling better soon. And yes, it sucks MWSWMTOC. Where I used to take a sick day with a migraine or even "just" a head cold, I now go to work and suffer through it, because being at home would so much harder!

Shelli | 7:34 AM

Moms should be immune to all illness during the first ten years of parenthood.

Amen to that. Hope you feel better soon.

Jonathon Morgan | 7:38 AM

I love watching High Fidelity when I'm sick.

Or Grosse Point Blank.

Unknown | 7:45 AM

Praise allah for that one. Being sick with a sick kid is the worst. It's bad when kid gets sick and you KNOW your sickness is inevitable - ex. kid just puked in your hair and grabbed on to you and coughed in your face. How are you not supposed to get sick from that?

Chris | 7:45 AM

When you're sick, having two sick kids isn't much harder than having one sick kid. What's difficult is when you're sick and you have one sick kid and one well kid. That's no fun.

Hope you guys get to feeling better.

Anonymous | 7:46 AM

that was hysterical!! you are so funny. There are people out there with 4-5-6-even 7 kids. Imagine that...

Anonymous | 8:11 AM

That's a helluva bargain. I'm in, if it works.

Chicky Chicky Baby | 8:17 AM

Amen to that sista. I've got a major case of the sickies myself. But can I sleep in and take care of myself? Nooooo.

How long until bedtime? Shit, it's only 11am.

The Bean | 8:35 AM

Oh, my. The rugrat brought home the 24 hour stomach virus last week. Ever try to clean up baby vomit (ew - we had introducted cottage cheese the night before) when you yourself are vomiting? Not easy and not good.

Kat Ogden | 9:00 AM


I have lately wondered why we attribute the spread of the plague to rats. Children are the sweetest little vessel disease could choose to inhabit.

After all, we don't kiss rats and let them stick their dirty fingers in their mouths.

I hope you feel bettter.

Creative-Type Dad | 9:37 AM

Totally agree with you on it being a little fun to be out sick before a kid.

I use to love watching the reruns on TV and playing video games. Now, it's usually with a sick kid who can't say what's wrong...

Anonymous | 10:05 AM

I think the season is upon us! Chance is sick too, just as I was getting over what I had. At least it didn't hit us both at once. I hope you two feel better soon! Hot tea does wonders for congestion, something about the steam helping you drain.

And honey, there is no excuse for wearing Ugg boots.


I KNEW someone would call me on the Ugg boots. Agreed, there is no excuse for wearing Ugg boots BUT I will admit here and now, I do slide on my good ol knee-high Uggs when I feel bleh. Oh and I wore them once or twice out of the house when I was pregnant. Shhhhhh. It's a secret.


P.S. Thanks everyone for the well-wishes and advice. I'm downing tea and we're feeling better today. Wooooohooo!!!

Wendy | 10:45 AM

Couldnt have said it better myself.

Being sick with 2 is basically popping in a video, throwing Cheerios on the floor and letting them drink directly from the water cooler. Whatever happens while mom is asleep is on a need to know basis and mom doesnt need to know.

Anonymous | 11:24 AM

I KNOW! WTF? Being a mom means never enjoying a sick day again. I learned that lesson Christmas night when I got hit with the stomach flu-- going both ends, at the same time (lovely!). Luckily the baby was only seven months old and not really crawling away from me as I shivered in a blankie on the floor. My husband announced that he "HAS to go to work, and just hang in there until after lunch when I'll be home." Which I did, and he was, only when he did crawl home, he also had the ick... and promptly went to bed. Now when I get sick, I remind him how I didn't smother him with a pillow. Hopefully the time will pass quickly for you...

Sandra | 11:54 AM

Oh I remember looking forward to being sick.

But you are so right ... no mother should ever be ill. It is the worst. Ever.

Hope you feel better soon!

kittenpie | 2:27 PM

Oh god, I hear you. This last month-and-a-half has been sick with small periods of less sick. I went to work ONCE this past week, and Pumpkinpie to daycare the same.