Teen Mom Squad!

Mom-group crashing has become a kind of hobby for me as of late. I have several awesome mom-friends but no real posse and so I, um, sort of crash them. I show up. Listen. Smile and nod. Say hello to True-Religion clad offspring. Ponder. Go home. Maybe it's just here in L.A. but on the rare occurrence one stumbles upon an actual mom-group (as opposed to the usual, Nanny Group) one is in for some serious church-giggles.


Yesterday while at a local park with Archer and our friends, (cue Carrie Bradshaw) I couldn't help but wonder if there was even a difference between teen-girl cliques and mom-groups.

Are most moms simply highschool girls with mileage?

The average age for new moms in Los Angeles I believe is 72. I'm not kidding, either. 72 seems about right. Around here, women have children after they retire. From acting. From producing. From gold-digging, so if I can find a new mother under 45, I usually cling to her and hold on for dear-life. Not that there is anything wrong with the 72-year-old Mom-group. They're doing their thing, pushing strollers in motorized carts, etc. I'm the freak after all. I get the funny looks.

One would never know that these moms are 72, though. Plastic surgery has made them ageless, and a little alien-like and they speak as if scripted by the cast of Laguna Beach:

"My son Dax is like soooooo cute in his brand new rugby polo. OMG!"

"Totally hot. Did you get it at Babystyle? I have the SAME one for Max!"

"OMG, Don't look now. Carrie's little boy is driving a kid-size Hummer H2. What is she thinking?"*

"Bitch."

"Total bitch. Doesn't she know about the Hybrid tricycle? My children, Ryder and Storm, each have one."

"So, like, my pediatrician said that his pediatrician said that his pediatrician totally said..."

"No way. My pediatrician's dog's veterinarian's friend's pediatrician's mom said that was totally not true."

"Well I read that if you breastfeed your child until kindergarten that they will be better listeners."

"Well I read that if you breastfeed your husband, HE will be a better listener."

"OMG did you read that in Spock or Spears?"

"Niether. I read it in Spearock, the "new-greatest-coolest-everyone-is-reading-it-book" on shelves!"

"Wow."

"Wow."

"Wow!"

"OMG. Don't look now. DILF alert!"

"He is NOT pushing the rockstar stroller. Such a bugaboo knock-off. Gay men should know better."

"I can't believe his daughter, Waterfall, didn't get into the Webster Private School for infants."

"It's SUCH a great school."

"So, ladies, GATHER around. I just got my photos back from Annie Leibovitz! She took photos of Neruda, did I not tell you?"

"So not fair."

"Well, I have booked Wolfgang Puck to cater Siren's 6-month birthday bash."

"Well I'm pregnant again. With triplets."

"Bitch."

"Bitch."

"Yeah, bitch." (Drops dead from natural causes.)



This may seem like a dramatization, but I'm telling you-- crash a mom-group in West Hollywood and take notes. Then fold the note into a neat origami triangle and slip it into my locker.

And then I'll be like, OMG TOTALLY! I told you! And then you'll be all, bitch, whatevs.

And then I'll like, totally blog about it.

GGC

*I had to agree with her. What was she thinking? The child almost ran Archer over in that thing!!! Bitch.

33 comments:

Anonymous | 12:41 PM

Gah, I know! When I had my daughter, I was all of 20 and didn't find an awesome mom group until I was 22 (we met in the daycare center, go figure). But now, with baby boy, I have no idea where to look. Except, in Chicago, the mom groups are a bit different.

"This neighborhood FINALLY got another Starbucks."

"I know. Where did everyone go before? To that ONE Starbucks? As if."

I like how the yuppies wonder where all the people went. Gentrification? As if.

Heh. I just realized that if I said the daycare center was at State, you'd know where I meant. Ain't the world small?

~Leah

toyfoto | 1:13 PM

Ok ... this one kind of smarts. You know I'm closer to 72 than 22, but you have a point, especially about the bradshawesque retorical thing.

I think most people -- men, women, moms, dads, or not -- are just aged versions of what they were in high school.

Kristi | 1:22 PM

Thanks for reminding me why high school sucked. The good thing about 72 year old mamas is that you and your normal-aged self will look HOT in comparison. So make all the grandma-mama friends you want...and then enjoy years of superficial confidence.

Jonathon | 1:29 PM

This why LA freaks me out.

PS: You are hillarious.

Hadara | 1:32 PM

Hi GGW - I started reading your blog a long time ago because I saw a link to it in my friend Emery's blog about motherhood. I don't have any kids, but I love reading about your adventures with Archer. And as someone who just moved to LA, this post had me cracking up! I get to wait on these mommy groups when they come to my restaurant on their rare mums' night out and listen to this conversation for two hours! I totally know what you're talking about!

You're an excellent writer, and I really enjoy your blog.

tpon | 1:58 PM

it isn't just LA... the topics may be slightly different, but the tone is always the same.

you made my day today

Fairly Odd Mother | 2:11 PM

OMG, this was SOOO GOOD! I heart Teen Girl Squad.

Unfortunately, even among some of us---ahem----older moms, these cliques exist and sound pretty similar out here in the suburbs (very far from LA).

Excellent names too. Neruda.

Shannon | 2:12 PM

He he he! I can totally realate. A few weeks go there was a mom in her late 40's (and she looked it) dressed in an Ed Hardy get up from head to toe talking like she was at a high school social event. It just about scared me away from our favorite park. Hey are we ever going to play again? Why must you torture yourself with those mommygroup crashes?

dvl | 2:19 PM

hahahaHAHAHAHAHhaha...

i had to come out from lurking because this made me laugh so hard.

these descriptions can just as easily be substituted as the 'overheards' at the local dog parks.

we need another girls' night out. bummed that i missed you at dana's bday party because i got there sooo late. be well.

Sarah | 2:41 PM

It's so nice to know that there are other mommies who aren't fitting into the 'mom groups'.

Alas, where are all the normal mama's???

Anonymous | 2:55 PM

at least your moms dress well, aged as they may be. here in queens we have 3 types of moms. the ones who are still wearing high waisted, tapered leg jeans, the seventeen year olds who will bitch slap you if you look at them cross-eyed and then there is me. I am just in my 30's, dress fairly well, have a wide range of interests but still know today's hip lingo (ha!). i don't want to be a snob but I just don't fit in. I don't want to talk about what I am making for dinner or the best place to go wine tasting. I also don't want to talk about what shaniqua wore to school today or who i saw in da club. *sigh* is there anyone who wants to just shoot the shit and talk about Grey's Anatomy, or how funny our kids can be??

I am thankful for your blog. you make me laugh. you make me realize that i am not alone. and that, like, so totally rocks. ~jjlibra

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 3:59 PM

DVL- You are so right about the dog parks! I once had a woman lecture me about the importance of putting SPF 30 on my dogs' white spots. She was YELLING at me about it on Runyan and I was doing the coo-coo face and I swear she almost punched me!

P.S. Thank you everyone for coming out of hiding to ROTFL and LOL. YOU ARE MY MOM (and Dad) group. LYLAS(B).

ECR | 4:03 PM

OMG, that is so not true. I tried it with my husband and he is totally NOT any smarter.

MotherBumper | 4:39 PM

This is the most funny thing I have read in I don't know how long. Thank you for making laugh so hard that I shot milk out my nose.

Wendy | 8:56 PM

You did it again!! I agree the subjects are different but the cliques are the same.

Jessica | 9:58 PM

This cracks me up, GGC...although I was confused at first - when I initially saw the title, I thought, "Hey - that's me!" (I am 32 and my son is 16)

Cheddarina | 10:51 PM

I feel your pain. Mom's groups here in Florida are all about the prestige of what church you go to, and competitiveness about how good junior is at arts and crafts there. Oh boy. That keeps me coming back every time...coming back to my house, that is!

And, for my part, breastfeeding the hubby *does* make him listen better, just because it's tough to talk with a boob in your mouth. :-)

slow dancing on thin ice | 11:27 PM

I wish I were still in L.A. We're in Austin now. But like you guys we had what I thought was the only unplanned pregnancy in all of Los Angeles. Or so you'd think from people's reaction. And heaven's forbid that I was under thirty. Naturally fertile? Unheard of.

I did find one good mom group but it was through a doula,more of an organized info group than a playgroup. But sheesh it was hard. I dressed up more for playgroups than I ever did for dates.

(I'll update my blog someday when the kid gets over being sick so I'll quit being the creepy nonblog person posting)

Kara | 5:07 AM

This post is precisely why I shy away from crowds of women. At 28, I was the youngest mom in our playgroup by a long shot and the only one who went back to work, and the only one who stopped nursing before the kid was in kindergarten.

The funny/sad part is that omeone without kids may thing you're exaggerating here... but you're totally not!

The Mentor Mom | 5:45 AM

OMG, I totally loved this post! How do you keep from laughing out loud when you go to these groups?! I would lose it. When my friends and I get together for our version of "a mommy group," we meet in our sweats/comfy clothes, bras are optional but deodorant is a must. Oh, and you must bring food, lots of food.

kittenpie | 6:53 AM

wow, so the stereeotypes are true, huh?
But 72, you say? You'd think by that point they'd have to adopt one from Africa...

mad muthas | 4:31 PM

i'm sitting here with my mouth wide open - quite tricky actually when you're also laughing fit to bust. hope i'm like that when i'm 72 (i'm not - i just look it. but, hey, this is britain after all)

Stefanie | 8:52 PM

Okay, yes a lot of moms are like that. And I love to make fun of them too. BUT - and I'm not just saying this because I'm 40 with a two-year-old - it has nothing to do with age. Maybe you've noticed something different but shit, Bec, you're being all Tom Leykis about age. A lot of older moms are irritated as shit with the attitudes of the cliquey moms too. I personally could say that most moms I meet of any age have no sense of humor whatsoever. And I mean any age. It just seems like having a baby makes a lot of women infinitely more serious. Which I find intolerable to be around for more than 10 minutes.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 12:14 AM

No hate on my older moms, just making fun of women who should, I dunno, maybe grow into themselves instead of, like, regressing. Maybe?

What ever happened to women becoming more mature with age? The old wise women? And 40 is NOT OLD. These women were OLDOLDOLD. We're talkin, Grandma-mamas and they were not so, um, wise either.

Amanda Keeys | 12:29 AM

Omg I am KILLING myself laughing here. 72 is seriously the new-mama age there?? No wonder they have need of an entourage of Nannies to look after the kidlets.

Alas, there are no mums groups here that I fit into either. Lucky for me, I send the middle two to mum's group with MY mum on friday mornings *cackle of glee*.

PunditMom | 7:22 AM

This is part of my ne theory (really, ask my husband ... when I say it, he just rolls his eye!).

I've decided that all of life is just like high school ... the other moms are the same personalities when being involved in ther kids' schools as they were when they were in school themselves.

The cliques, the cool girls, the ones in charge, the ones who just want to help out a little (that would be me!), etc. But it also applies to the neighborhood we live in ... the cool girls who have all the inside info, the ones who keep to themselves (that would be me), the ones who have so many activities going on you can never find them, etc.

Can I just put my old high insecurities away now?

mothergoosemouse | 10:06 AM

high school girls with more mileage

You're not kidding. I guess I'm gonna be punk rock pariah mom.

the weirdgirl | 10:46 AM

At least if my mom group was like this I could just sit back and laugh (silently). Some of the moms in my group are just a little too perky, a little too rah rah... except when they give you the "you're so weird face" after you've told a story or even just turn around and start talking to someone else.

Highschool is right. So not worth it.

Mrs. Q. | 12:36 PM

Waterfall. Brilliant.

I'm on the outside of my neighborhood's mommypod because I have a 17 mo. old and the rest all have kids in middle school. They are all super N-I-C-E, but I try not to feel like What's-her-face when they carpool and trade brownie recipes... Stupid.

[And the Poo-Poo Haiku? Ewww!??! Is that what I have to look out for now??! Frig.]

braiding mommy | 7:39 AM

Love this post. I so relate - other respectable, married moms are usually weary around me, cause I might steal their (usually moronic) husbands. Didn't want to be a part of their high-end, baby-prep-boutique-shopping, yuppiefied mommy clique anyways. Hmph.

merseydotes | 7:01 AM

OMG - thank you so much for the Homestar Runner clip. Basil and I used to watch Homestar and Strongbad all the time online, and then we forgot about them or something. Seriously, that just made my whole day.

Lacy | 8:14 AM

wow-- i don't know how you survive young momdom in la! When i was there I was enough of a freak just to be married! Congrats, girl-- you're an inspiration!!

scarbie doll | 6:55 PM

Holy fike dude! That's brilliant! Mom Group Squad! You are my hero.