You Say Potato, I Say Something Stupid.

The other day I accidentally called Archer, "little hottie."

In a public place.

Surrounded by other people. Respectable people. Parents. Former-child actors. Strippers.

I'm not sure who heard me utter the words. Whether anyone was listening is beside the point. I heard myself, which was bad enough. Little Hottie? LITTLE HOTTIE? WTF, self? Who are you and what are you doing calling your son, "little hottie?"

I thought fast and did the following:

A. Tried to pretend I said something else.

"...I mean. Um. "Little Scotty! Yes, this is my son, Scott, er Scotty! And look how small he is. I mean, little! He's a little Scotty! A little-bit Scotty...."

B. Explained to Archer in a whisper that although I thought he was an attractive child and very sweet, I didn't think of him as a "little hottie."

C. Placed oversized sunglasses over eyes before exiting the premises sans cart.



I drove home that afternoon in silence. Stereo on mute. Windows up. No making silly faces at Archer in the rear-view mirror. "Sheesh," I thought. "I really need to think before I speak." I tried to remember the last time I even called anyone, "little hottie." Highschool, perhaps? Junior High?

Unfortunately it wasn't the first time I bit my tongue with an oops-nickname. Several months ago I accidentally (I swear I was not conscious of what I was saying) called Archer, "sexy." Ah! Kill me now! PLEASE!

Much to my relief I recently found out that I'm not the only one who accidentally calls our child inappropriate names.

The other day while wrapping Archer up in his towel, fresh out of the bath, the huz called Archer "butt boy." Yes, you heard me. BUTT BOY. As in:

"Come here, butt boy! Let's go get you dressed."

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.


I peeked my head into Archer's room.

"Um, DUDE? Did you just call Archer, butt-boy?"

"What? No."

"Yes you did!"

"I did?"

"Yes! You called him butt boy! Ahahahahahaha. Oh, man."

"No. I called him something else. Bok Choy, I think."

"Bok Choy? Yeah. Nice try."


I suddenly felt slightly better about my "little hottie" incident. Not only is "little hottie" a little less embarrassing than "butt boy" but I had a better (and more stealth) cover than Bok effing Choy.

"By the way, from now on, Archer's name is "Scotty" when we're at Whole Foods on 3rd Street."

And by the grace of all things embarrassing, Butt-Boy Sr. nodded understandably.

That night we went back to calling Archer, Archer. You know, just to be safe. Hopefully it sticks.

GGC

31 comments:

Lux Lisbon | 4:35 AM

i called my 8 year old "sext mama" once. so wrong on so many levels.

Wendy | 5:14 AM

I dont know if this applies, but on one of our many trips of "Amber's public bathroom tour", I asked Amber if she was a dog. You know because a dog pees every 10 minutes at a new spot. Amber does the same thing.

It was loud and in the middle of the Target parking lot. Yes, a woman looked at me and I politely ignored her and pretended she didnt exist. I made a mental note to not call her a dog in public again, even though she was at the stage where she would get on all fours, bark and try to lick us.

Kids the new crazy.

krista | 6:14 AM

This made me laugh out loud. Like for real and not in that stupid "lol" kind of way.

PunditMom | 6:57 AM

I can so relate. Sometimes I can't beleive the stuff that comes out of my mouth when I'm talking to R. She's really hating her nickname right now ... Pumpkin (she had such a cute little round head as a baby).

No, it's not Butt-boy, but she really hates it this time of year ... She's the pumpkinator! Hey, little pumpkin head!

Hopefully she won't kill us in our sleep.

Jonathon | 7:00 AM

Screw 'um! Just 'cause the Whole Foods crowd is all "sensitive" and "organic".

Call him Little Hottie if you want to! Urban zen hippies be damned!

(No offense, Whole Foods crowd. I'm one of you. I just like to judge. Especially on Mondays.)

something blue | 7:53 AM

Way too funny! Now I'm likely going to be calling my daughter Baby Bok Choy. Why do we even bother to give them actual names?

sunshine scribe | 8:18 AM

Oh I almost never call my son by his name and have had a faux pas or two in public. Like when I called him bubble bum and hot lips oh and then there was "Mr. I-Can't-Stop-Grabbing-My-Penis, it's time to go now".

evilynmo | 8:36 AM

I call my daughter lover, it is so weird and I don't know why I do it. Oh well, other infamous names I have called her include:

Suger booger, suger butt, booger butt, etc.

You get the idea...

MotherBumper | 8:37 AM

bok choy - you slay me

I call Bumper a plethora of names and most are quite polite but monkey girl sticks most often even though it seems to offend many based on the looks we get. She can't help it if she has a tail. It's a hard life ;)

foodiemama | 8:44 AM

i can relate...i probably shouldn't share the names we;ve called gus out of sheer embarassment but butt boy was probably one of them too, haha...

Avalon | 9:42 AM

They stick. I started calling my daughter "Bunsie" when she was a baby cause of the cute little buns she had. She's now 22------yup, still Bunsie. I try to refrain from using it in public.

mothergoosemouse | 10:02 AM

I see nothing wrong with "little hottie" or "butt boy" or "bok choy". But then, one of my children is nicknamed after a rodent, and the other is nicknamed after a bird that shits everywhere. I might not be the best judge of what NOT to call your child.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 10:48 AM

If you put it that way, butt-boy-hottie it is! Can't wait to introduce him to the moms at the playground!

Waterfall, meet Butt-Boy. Hee.

kiwidebra | 10:53 AM

Um, yeah, the one that I keep calling Baby Girl is "stinkerdoodle." I'm not sure where that comes from.

We also call her monkey or monkey girl a lot, because with her claw-like fingernails and wiggling, it's like diapering a monkey.

The one I feel worst about though, is when I accidentally call her Tom. That makes me feel like mother of the year. Because Tom is our dog. Oops.

Rock the Cradle | 11:01 AM

LMFAO.

I think "peanut butter" became a knickname just because we were afraid something worse might come out one day. Now, we have other problems.

We just realized that we now have a toddler who says:
"Oh Cwap" at particularly appropriate times, like when she's spilled her milk, or dropped a book on the floor.

Now we just have to make sure these things don't happen when her devoted Grandparents are visiting. Right.

I confess. It. Is. All. My. Fault.

Crap.

Meena | 12:56 PM

Bok choy - awesome!

I think we have all been there. Although, I haven't actually called my son "hottie" but I'm sure I've called him something equally inappropriate before!

And while we also haven't called our kids "butt boy" or "butt girl," hubby does call diaper rash cream, "butt cream." So, sure enough our 3 yr old often asks for "butt cream" when his butt is sore!

I about died when my MIL called our son "sexy." But I passed it off as her being from a different country. It happens!

kittenpie | 1:04 PM

My nicknames tend to be the usual - pumpkinn, muffin, monkey, lovekin. BUt her name and one of the cats' start with the same sound, so I sometimes swap... erm.

BUt we call her butt the "tiny heinie" - and it sounds hilarious coming out in the little piping voice of a toddler, let me tell you!

Andrea | 1:20 PM

I've caught myself calling Gabe "googly woogly" or "googly bear" in public, from Monsters, Inc. That chick, Celia, with the snakes for hair and the annoying voice, I think gets into my blood stream and finds her insidious way into my language center and takes over. It's kind of embarrassing.

Some of the things I've accidentally said make "little hottie" not so bad. Like I've said before, I have the sense of humor of a frat boy.

Kell | 1:45 PM

I have called each and every one of my kids 'sexy'.

I called Sonny 'sexy dude' or 'sexy boy' all the time!!!

Kristen | 1:47 PM

I'm dying over Bok Choy. Good lord.

MrsFortune | 2:28 PM

I have to disagree with you ... I think Bok Choy is actually a better cover than little Scotty. Because Bok Choy sounds more like "butt boy" than "Little SCotty" sounds like "little hottie." Just my .02

But at least he didn't call him "ass man," you know, like Kramer's license plate on that one Seinfeld.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 2:37 PM

Assman has not been used. Asshat has. Help.

ECR | 2:57 PM

That is so freaking funny because it's true...it's scary the things that can come out of our mouths. I wasn't going to admit this, but I saw a previous commenter mention it, so I guess I'll come clean, too...I once called my daugher "lover." I was mortified. And my husband was there to hear it. Of course he was.

Jenny | 3:23 PM

Butt-Boy is awesome. Seriously I snorted a little from all the laughter.

Penny | 3:25 PM

Walking through the mall, last year, my three year old ooohed and aaahhhhed all over the long sparkly dresses hanging on the racks in the department store we had to pass through to get to the carpark. As she slinked her chubby toddler fingers through one particularily low-cut black sequence number, I took her hand, raised my eyebrows and gave her the look I'd give my bestfriend if she'd just found perfect newyearseve saint-slut fabric and said, "Yes, that is pretty, now lets go you little tart."

The saleswoman was older.. as in, ancient, as in, back when 'tart' was not only not appropriate, but was downright offensive.

I don't even use tart. Ever.

Except the next time I used it.

(could it get much worse?)

In reference to my boyfriend's 86 year old dolled up Grandmother at Christmas time.

WTF is Tart doing coming out of my mouth?! I must have been an Old-English harlot in my previous life.

Anyway.. I hadn't thought about that embarrassment until I read your post, which by the way made me Laugh Out Loud.

Great story.

I am not even sure how I found you, but if you don't mind, I'll come back to visit.

:)

Jill | 6:32 PM

Eh, if your own momma doesn't think you're a little hottie than who will.

Russell | 1:38 AM

i call hal "assman" in reference to the younger son in that movie, the squid and the whale. i think it was funny how he rebelled through cursing, and his heavy artillery included "assman", of all things. awesome, man.

btw, my word verification was "rqbum". that's aussie for "rqass".

anyway, give mr. bok choy hottie butt boy a big hug and kiss for me.

Her Bad Mother | 1:20 PM

I've used so many inappropriate names - usually involving the butt - that I wouldn't know where to begin. That, and my very bad habit of changing the words to dirty songs and sometimes, um, slipping while I sing to her. That's not so good, especially on line at Starbucks, where you shouldn't really be singing in the first place.

the weirdgirl | 1:22 PM

I don't think it's occurred to me or Keen to listen to what we're calling Chance in public. How bad is that? I know we routinely call him "little butts" and I've called him "molestor" in public, as in when he's trying to hug random little girls. Hmm, maybe I should start paying attention.

But in my defense my parents called me "turd bird" and "monster" in public for years!

metro mama | 5:04 PM

Sometimes I just forget who I'm talking to. The other day, when someone cut us off, I asked Cakes what his fucking problem was. Oops!

Samantha | 11:52 PM

I am literally laughing myself to death here! I have slipped and called one of my twin daughters "lover" but our worst habit (mine and theirs) is calling each other heifers! I'll be like "okay you little heifers, get in the buggy and shut it!" LOL And "butt munch" is a big one too! But the absolute WORST thing is that we call their uhh..pee pee's (for lack of a better word LOL) poonannies! One day I was like "Brat, you are such a poonanny head!" WTH! Who calls their kid by the same name they call their kids privates? sheesh! But we call them both (they are twins) sexy mama's all the time! They are little (almost 4) but they've got big, smartass sense of humors!