Social Climber

Archer wasn't always very social. It probably had something to do with the fact that I was very anti-mommy-and-me in the beginning, therefor spending the bulk of Archer's first two years alone, just the two of us, watching the clouds by our lonesome and eating dirt, playdateless and content in our own just-the-two-of-us world. 

Times of course have changed. Archer and I both have established a core group of people. We're not smoking candy cigs in the back of the bus, clad in proverbial trench coats, anymore. No way. That was SO 2006. We totally have friends now. 

Especially now that Archer's in school. The dude gets invited to more parties than I've been to in my whole life. 

Archer's best friends with the bully in his class, which at first I thought was a good thing. My sweet little innocent Archer would have back-up, should any one try to give him a Pull-Up wedgie. Because if you can't beat 'em...

Now, though, I'm starting to reconsider my stance on Archer's new social status. Archer is quite beloved by his classmates which AWESOME but also? Suspect. Because, everyone knows the popular kids are assholes. 

The thing is? Archer's new BFF is rubbing off on him. He's pushing, hitting and saying things like "EAT IT, MOM! FINISH YOUR BROCOLLI! FINISHHHHHHH IT!!!! And while you're at it DRINK YOU WATER! ALL  OF IT! AHHHH!" 

Not only that? I totally overheard him tell some kid at the park that he "didn't want him to play with him," which WHAT!?? 

Archer's always had a temper but now he's experimenting with assholery and yes, there's a difference. Attitude is for teenagers, not three year-old former softies. And speaking of teenagers, is three and a half too young for PDA? Not for Archer, it seems, who's been busted for it. Twice. 

Apparently Archer has a girlfriend at school and he kisses her. Like, on the mouth. Sometimes without asking her first and she gets pissed. I was told it started out slow like most young romances. At first they just held hands on the playground, sat together at lunch, stood next to one another in line. Now? They've taken it to the next level. Er, Archer has. 

"Archer! I don't want to kiss right now," his girlfriend apparently said after Archer sneaked up on her during storytime and planted one on her without warning. 

"It's sweet," Archer's teachers told me. "We just want to make sure he knows that he can't just kiss someone in the middle of storytime without asking. He has a tendency toward PDA during very inappropriate times. And he REALLY gets into it. They're not what one would call... pecks... "

Yes, folks. Archer's that kid. The one who likes to pin girls down and kiss them for ten whole seconds on the mouth in the middle of story time. Every class has one. I just never thought it would be Archer.  

Apparently, my sweet, little innocent boy isn't so innocent (although he's still incredibly sweet, even when he's lost-his-mind-insane) so for now I'm going to stop worrying about that Pull-Up wedgie. Although if he keeps springing public kisses on girls in class...

I mean...



Anonymous | 10:58 PM

Awwww! He's a little Romeo!

Heza Hekele | 11:03 PM

That's hilarious!

My son's first 'romance' was the other way around...with a girl pursuee. A three year old in his pre-school used to chase him around the playground, reportedly saying, "Bennett, I don't want a long kiss...just a short one!"

Now, in kindergarten, there is a little girl that meets him at the door of his classroom each day...all googly eyed and holding his name tag for him. My son seems oblivious...almost annoyed by the attention. It cracks me up.

Anonymous | 1:54 AM

Take it easy! It's just a phase. And he could be doing far worse thing than telling his mother to finish her brocolli!:)

And, by the way, that last picture was just priceless!!!

Amelia Sprout | 3:40 AM

I'm guessing it is likely a bit of acting out because of there being a new baby around. He should readjust, but if he doesn't, then you just deal with it.

I have no idea why I never thought of story time as a great time to make out. I was all stuck on recess.

Anonymous | 4:34 AM

Really funny story. I gotta tell you, this is just the kind of thing that freaks me out and makes me wonder if I really even want to try to have kids.

I mean it's totally effed up that you have no control over what your child is exposed to! You can bust your ass to teach them all that great stuff then one little kid on the playground can ruin it all. (except the kissing part, i'm totally blaming your husband for that one lol).

Badness Jones | 4:34 AM

Lol! My son is not quite 2, and I'm already worried about having to talk to him about girls...having to get another phone line....the kid is Ferris Bueller. Older girls (5, 6, 7) will swarm around him and follow him around at the playground, hugging and kissing him, and he'll try to join in games that the big boys are playing, no fear at all. He's cute, and he's a dude, and I'm in trouble.

Good luck with Romeo!

April | 7:23 AM

haha. oh, what i have to look forward too...
btw, loved the jewish mom video. in fl it's PROP 2 that needs to be voted down.

Anonymous | 7:38 AM

He's clearly his mother's son. With the kissing on the playground and the constant parties?

C'mon sis! He's you!

Heather | 7:43 AM

I love it. I personally think that he just has personality and spunk. He marches to the beat of a different drum. My middle daughter is a lot like that.

Anonymous | 8:01 AM

In January 2008, a six-year-old girl from Alexander, N.Y., was barred from the school bus for three days for kissing a male classmate while riding the bus.
In 1996, a Brockton, Mass., boy, age 6, was suspended from school for putting his hand in the waistband of a classmate's skirt.
I'd say it's time to have THAT talk. Can Archer pronounce "litigation?"


Anon: I know. Scary stuff. I actually wrote about that a while back, here:

Also wrote about it in my book.

Don't even get me started over the fucked-upness of it all. I will slap some bitches.

Anonymous | 8:33 AM

haha, oh man. I hope your school is not lawsuit-happy as mentioned. It doesn't sound like they are, though... it's always the exception to the rule that makes the news.

Good for Archer for having friends. I guess the downside of school is that you have to reinforce how you want him to behave even more strongly at home, since he's getting conflicting messages at school. But there are worse things than being the popular kid... like being the unpopular kid :)

Anonymous | 9:17 AM

A few months ago, the teachers told me Axel was tackling/wrestling with the girls in his class and "kissing" them. I think that just means slobbering on them, at 9 months, but it did give me pause.

Kissing is better than biting or kicking, right, so at least Archer's a lover not a fighter!

Anonymous | 9:23 AM

When I was in 1st grade, there was a group of boys who used to chase me around the playground and try to kiss me. I did not want this affection from them...hence the chasing. I remember telling the playground supervisors/teachers about it and they just thought it was so cute and laughed it off and did nothing about it. I just remember feeling helpless because I did not like what was happening and the grown-ups who were supposed to prevent it from happening didn't do a thing. I still vividly remember it all...I'm not scarred for life or anything like that, I'm just saying, I can relate to what the little girl is going through. I think Archer's teacher probably needs to work on a little discipline when he does that in class...instead of thinking it's cute. I feel for the little girl and I think Archer probably doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. My guess is he's probably acting out the very loving relationship you and Hal have at home. :)

Dianna | 10:03 AM

Wow, I didn't get a full on 10 second kiss until I was way older than 3!!! | 11:26 AM

Oh darling, just wait. This is the first of surprises our babies give us. And the way he acts isn't really a reflection of you (though, it feels that way, doesn't it?) However, the way you react to him WILL make a difference.

My middle son is the romance man. At 6, he already tells me who is "hot" in his class. And he tells me that even though he isn't old enough for a girlfriend (as I have repeated constantly) he knows who he wants for one, if she would only love him back...

I know, right?

Can't you wait to find out who Fable becomes ?? :)

Michele Dawson | 1:36 PM

I have to agree with some of the other posters ... just a phase, especially with a new baby in the house. And maybe he sees everyone so happy kissing on baby sister, so he's gotta find his own girl to kiss on ... :)

Anonymous | 2:11 PM

i have never been so embarrassed as when i had children. this is the first of many. get used to it :)

as a teacher, i hate telling parents that their kids are pains in the ass or doing inappropriate things but it must be done. they need to know so they can talk to them and try to help me with the situation. also, so that if it becomes a big problem they have already been told and can't say "why didn't you come to me earlier?!" i have been accused of picking on certain kids and i have been accused of not keeping parents informed. it all depends on the parent and how much blame they want to put on other people for their child's behavior.

i LOVE that you are taking responsibility and saying hey, i know he's acting like a jerk and i'll work on it. LOVE THAT. i'm sure his teachers really appreciate it too. there should be more moms like you. because honestly, the "oh, he didn't get enough sleep lastnight" excuse can only be used so many times.

Anonymous | 2:13 PM

oh my god just re-read my comment and don't want you to think i'm calling archer a jerk because i'm not!!! i'm just kind of going off of what you said. oh geez. not my intention to offend. quite the contrary.

Steph(anie) | 3:16 PM

Oh, this is all SOOO familiar. Only mine is a girl. I'll probably be a grandmommy before I'm 40. Can I just lock her up?

I'm kidding. Mostly. Talk to him. He'll listen. He knows you care.

Rhea | 4:46 PM

Anon beat me to it.

I was going to say, those teachers are being so cool about it. You're lucky he hasn't been suspended or something, because these days PDA, and forced PDA especially, is so uncool.

Anonymous | 6:52 PM

I had an experience like Jen's, where the adults just giggled and said, "He can't chase you if you won't run!" Well, the alternative was standing still and being kissed by a yucky boy that I disliked.

I'm glad the adults at Archer's school are helping all the kids -- talking to you so you can support the rules at home, and letting the little girl know what she has body sovereignty. It sounds like a very cool place.

The Panic Room | 9:28 PM

He's got moxie!

Kev is 4 and still not talking, so far the only complaint we have received from school is that he is sticking everything in his mouth. At least Archer is being specific :)

Really good post. I am such a worry wart I would lose sleep over the bully friend.

After reading the post and seeing the last image here, it's like Perseus climbing up that hill again with the weight of his world on his back. so priceless.

all the best

The Panic Room | 10:42 PM

Dammit! I meant Sisyphus, as in going to get the rock again. Perseues just carried around the head of Medusa and was made into a really cool movie called Clash of the Titans... which is pretty cool.

regardless of the blunder Archer is an epic kid.

Anonymous | 9:42 AM

It's reasons like THIS that I teach my little girls: "No boys".

Yup, convinced it was/is the right move!

Sus | 9:43 AM

Oh! Just found you on a tip from Waltz in Exile and this is hilarious.

He is "experimenting with assholery" - positively classic. Good, get it out of his system now. :)

kittenpie | 8:16 PM

The I don't wnat to play / you can't come to my party business is standard for preschoolers experimenting with relationships with peers - don't sweat it, just explain why it might hurt someone's feelings.

The kissing - yeah, tricky, because people and schools are so much touchier about this than they were when I was a kid and everyone was chasing each other down and kissing each other under the slides. I agree that the permission part is the important part.