April (not really at all) Fools

I know this was supposed to be an April Fools' jokeversation but the truth is? It wasn't really. Not for me, anyway. (Thanks for rubbing it in, Alice and Eden!)

The last two months I've been allergic to sex. And beyond that, to touch. I need my space and fourteen pillows to even fall asleep and the thought of naked bodies makes me nauseous. Even the sniff of breath (lovely breath included) was sending me over the edge there for a while.

"You were like this with the other ones, too," I've been told by the powers that procreate.

But I don't remember it ever being this bad.

Maybe because there are two people inside me already. Adding one more to the party would max out my capacity.

I have all these friends who are like, "pregnancy makes me so horny! I just want to sex every random dude I see!" which is EXACTLY how I feel about hard boiled eggs right now. I cannot get enough of them.

As for sex? I'd rather watch that Holmes dude inspect dilapidated basements on HGTV for hours on end.

Although, I have to say, Eden's "Irritated Hamster" ALMOST convinced me to remove my Boston Terrier print pajama top the other night. Perhaps if there was a hard boiled egg involved.



Mrs. Jenna | 8:49 AM

I have a construction contractor crush on Mike Holmes. He's so smart! It's like home renovation sex. (That sounds horrible.)

Shelley Senai | 8:50 AM

Boston Terriers? That's my alma mater yo. :)

jasmine | 8:51 AM

Oh man! I am all hard boiled eggs too. Pregnancy can be so odd. As for sex, er.... no thanks, no vacancy.

Amber | 8:54 AM

OMG this had me CRACKING UP with all the bleeping!

Anonymous | 8:57 AM

I also never got that horny bug that so many women report during my pregnancy, but I think that it's because deep down my brain is a pragmatist. "Yes, we could do it right now, which would be only kind of interesting to me OR we could be asleep. Or eating. Or sleep eating. See what I'm getting at here?"

My husband's a real lucky guy. :)

Anonymous | 8:58 AM

You are not alone. It's been very infrequent, and I'm 22 weeks, so any hope of second trimester boost is pretty much gone by now.

My poor husband.

mom2nji | 9:00 AM

I desperately want sex, but I am on pelvic rest and might be the WHOLE PREGNANCY! After 6 losses, its a sacrifice I will make, but I keep dreaming about sex, even o'ing in my sleep!

Glenda | 9:20 AM

I think if having multiples is high risk the sex can wait and you can make up for it after the babies...which you'll have to make date nights... considering you'll have 4 lil munchkins in the house. I'm sure you and Hal will find you way. I think right now it's all about the babies and your health, and if you're not even interested continue with the boiled eggs lol and HGTV ;)

Caroline @ The Feminist Housewife | 9:45 AM

This made me laugh so hard....Hope that you are feeling well in all other regards.

Enjoy some hard boiled eggs. ; )

Abi | 9:50 AM

I'm at 16 weeks. The thought of eating or cooking eggs is still gross. As for the sex... just like food cravings, sex cravings come in spurts. Usually at 2 am when hubby is fast asleep and there's me and my belly, trying to hump him.

Alison | 10:04 AM

Sex was G-R-O-S-S my entire pregnancy, and I'm sorry to say it, but eight months after I had my son, my interest has increased not at all. My poor, poor husband.

And the eggs! My first trimester I would get up in the middle of the night about three times a week and stuff four deviled eggs into my mouth before passing back out. Delightful.

tori | 10:11 AM

I don't blame you. We referred to netherregions as "Orphan Wiener" the whole time I was pregnant :)

Cave Momma | 10:14 AM

O.EM.GEE. I love that. Too hilarious with all the bleeping and the pictures and your faces.

Unknown | 10:41 AM

ug the breath thing is the worst. I had that, nobody could breath anywhere near me or it would be the end, vomit central.

my husband thought i was crazy and the cat that used to snuggle up to my face to sleep got a complex and licked all the fur off his butt in protest. the husband recovered, the cat still gives me the side eye.

wonderchris | 10:51 AM

The look on your face at the end is priceless!! Great momversation!

Abbe | 11:31 AM

Maybe your husband would appreciate a happy ending from time to time. You know, for the sake of the marriage. Out of line? Oops, my bad. :-)

lonek8 | 11:49 AM

Sex made me completely allergic to any kind of physical contact too! I literally had to force myself to let my husband hug me or even give me the smallest peck. And only rarely could I even mange that. I always wondered who are these women who are so horny when they are pregnant? Not the sexiest feeling in the world. no vacancy indeed. Sorry you are feeling in a funk, but it will be over before you know and you'll be ready to get frisky again!

Anonymous | 11:59 AM

tears. rolling down my face. alice bradley is hysterical.

Christy | 12:29 PM

OMG. Most hysterical Momversation EVER!

Unknown | 12:54 PM

I saw that Momversation on Friday. Hilarious! Love your face at the end.

I'm part of the hard-boiled egg/Holmes on Homes club, too. In fact, I'm going to make myself an egg sandwich and sit down to some HGTV right now. Getting all hot and bothered just think about it...

Kim | 1:11 PM

Right there with you. I also cannot tolerate:
1) breath on me
2) anything at all touching my tongue, so that leaves out all other options as well
3) his hands getting anywhere even close to my breasts

I'm 8 months right now, so I think his self esteem is about -500 at this point, which is inevitable when your wife recoils every time you get near her.

Mickey Hanson | 1:52 PM

Why are hard boiled eggs so orgasmic? I've had one bun in my oven for 10 weeks now, but reading your posts make me think I have 2 in there as well! I made egg salad with 6 eggs and ate the whole dang thing for lunch!

Shannon | 2:30 PM

I was like that for both my pregnancies. CLOSED FOR BUSINESS. I mean, I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to want sex. But it just wasn't happening for me. And really, until I finished breastfeeding, my sex drive really didn't come back. No wonder my hubby got the big snip after the second baby! :) All further children will come to our home via adoption!

Janyne | 5:41 PM

I couldn't get enough sexy-time during my first two pregnancies. With the third, however, I might as well have slept in a seperate bed. nothankyou.

sidenote- My husband totally has a man-crush on Mike Holmes.

NodToStyle | 5:51 PM

i loathe using LOL; however, your boiled egg comment just made me laugh out loud. quite the way with words you have.

candace | 6:55 PM

Um you are in the first trimester, non? Nobody wants to be touched in the first or third trimesters. Or in my case the first, second, third and 6 months after baby number 2. Ooop sorry hubbbbby! My dreams however were totally pornographic but my waking body was like funk dat! You will get your swagger back, just give it a year!

Sarah | 7:33 PM

you know, after all those eggs, I don't think I'd want to sleep with you, even in the most literal sense!

stella got her groove back, & you will too.

or this will be the best birth control you've ever hadj


I have seen a few Momversations. That is the BEST. ONE. EVER. Love it beyond love. Condolences on your pregnancy induced abstinence. I had the opposite problem... I'm surprised my baby wasn't born with whiplash. Oh wait, she was. I should alert the docs that I know what causes Torticollis.

Anonymous | 8:09 AM

Thank you for publicly saying that not all women crave LOTS and LOTS of sex while pregnant. I felt like I was the only person that doesn't want it while pregnant.

Cyn | 6:53 PM

GENIUS! That whole momversation was pure genius!!!!

The most genius part was you sitting there looking completely disgusted with everything they were saying. Even if I had been a sex phobe during pregnancy, I think I still would've been cracking up.

Sorry you're not "feeling the love" hopefully you perk up sometime soon :)

Anonymous | 8:20 PM

but you have this to look forward to!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JmA2ClUvUY&feature=player_embedded