Mother of All Assholes: A Scene

Fade In

INT: LAST WEEK; Beneath the flashing lights of the E! Holiday Christmas party.

GGC sees a familiar face across the bar. She squints and tries to remember how/why she knows the attractive young woman. For the life of her she cannot remember where they have met. Through business? Pleasure? Were they old friends? She waves, anyway.

The MYSTERIOUS YET FAMILIAR GIRL waves back and approaches her, drink in hand.

Hey Rebecca(GGC)! Cheers!

Mysterious yet familiar girl clinks her plastic cup with GGC. GGC tries not to look confused.

It's good to see you I like your dress.

Thank you. So how have you been?

Great. You know, Archer and stuff... Life. Heh. And what about you?

You don't recognize me, do you?

I'm so sorry! I know the face, I just don't, um. WELL...I'm drunk.

I'm your babysitter. I babysit Archer.

Did I say I was drunk? I'm actually wasted. Trashed! Out-of-my-mind hammered.

But the truth was, GGC was dead sober. She bought the MYFG/BABYSITTER a free drink and pretended to pass out in the garnish tray.

I am a terrible mother. The worst. Just awful. I leave my child's life in the hands of people I can't even recognize in public. Shoot me, now. Like a lame horse. OH GAWD, just shoot me now...

Fade Out



Anonymous | 12:41 PM

It happens - it will happen again - example - I am at a concert in a local church. In front of me is a very attractive woman, youngish, slim, dark, madeup - looks great. I recognize her, but I don't recognize her. Mentally, I go through every store in our little town to place her.I move my geography to the next little town and the luck. Senility is at hand... Afterwards, I ask my wife - who was that? Answer - a promimnent actress I see fairly often on a tv soap opera. Don't sweat it - an empty head has no problem -- yours is not empty!

Anonymous | 1:29 PM

I am standing right beside you today, I'm afraid. It's Ittybit's birthday today and I didn't know I was supposed to go to school for her "Special Day." I never looked at the calendar to see the days I was supposed to assist.

- toyfoto

مارية | 3:09 PM our embassy had it's once-a-year party bash and I was seated at the table with some of my coworkers and the DJ. The DJ was at the table for the entire dinner, patiently waiting for his cue to switch to dancing music. At any given time half the table was empty, except that me and him were always still there, chatting from time to time.

A few days later I'm at the local watering hole and we run into thinking, "Hmm...he sure looks familiar, where have I seen HIM before?"

Thanks to my blank stare, my buddy had to explain, in front of the DJ, where I had seen the guy before. yeah I felt dumb.

Leigh C. | 5:00 PM

Okay, let's clarify something:

You are NOT the mother of all assholes, you are Archer's mom, and that little dude, by all accounts and posted pictures, is quite the mensch.

Oh, and another thing...this stuff will happen, guaranteed. You can either let it paralyze you completely, to the point where you will hide to avoid situations where you will have to identify someone (which was my ex-boss), or you take it in stride, chalk it up to some misfiring synapses, reassure the misidentified individual that really, it wasn't them AT ALL, and get on with life.

It's okay, really, it is (pat on back, BIG HUG from moi). Don't go callin' yourself an asshole mama over it. GO GET 'EM!

Unknown | 3:09 AM

Your writing is fabulous as always so please don't take this the wrong way, but what the heck happened to your blog template? There are too many fonts, the pink and grey just look meh. It looks a mess. Everything looks jumbled.

Honestly, it distracts from your brilliant writing style.

ps-i love babble!

Wendy | 5:32 AM

Dont sweat it. I often have panic moments when I cant remember what my daughter is wearing. And I dress her. Why do I panic? Because if she is kidnapped, how will I describe her? Maybe, I should be more concerned that I am constantly thinking that my child will be kidnapped.

I have better one for you. I am in carpool staring at a sweet little girl. I am wondering why I dont see my little girl. Man, that little girl is so sweet. Hey, that is my little girl! Please dont take my mommy card away.

Anonymous | 5:36 AM

No matter how hard I try, I just cannot remember faces. So I know how you feel.

Addicted to Doll Houses

Anonymous | 6:47 AM

Considering how hands-on a mom you are and how little it sounds from your website that you actually employ a babysitter, it's okay not to remember every face.

Besides, she was totally out of context. If you'd seen her at the library for Children's Story Hour, you probably would have known her instantly.

word ver: damgin Makes me chuckle. You weren't drinking gin, were you? Damn gin.

Anonymous | 8:30 AM

Dude, no sweat. I never recognize people out of context. Who's expecting to see the babysitter at some E! party?

mad muthas | 10:01 AM

yep, there's no way you can bluff your way out of that one - other than what you did. or maybe faking epilepsy. or death.
wanted to send you an e-card, but couldn't locate an e-mail addy. come on over to my place and you can send yourself one. not the same, granted. but hey, you can pretend you were falling down drunk when you sent it!
happy holidays

Bluepaintred | 11:46 AM

hehehehehehehheh too funny

Avalon | 12:57 PM

Hey, wait a minute! Has no one picked up on this yet?

You and hubby at the E Christmas party.

Unrecognizable babysitter at same party.


Did soembody forget to watch the Arch man?
Just teasin'!

Unknown | 1:22 PM

Totally understandable - some more organized mother is orgazining gifts for Lyd's class, she passed out a list with five teachers on it... I didn't even know she had five teachers...

motherbumper | 5:20 PM

Oh man, I've done that sort of thing in recent times which ticks me off because I used to have the greatest memory. Swiss cheese memory from sleep deprivation. Good cover, passing out in the garnish tray.

I'm really loving the new look - very pulp fiction.

Anonymous | 8:02 PM

That is classic. But I'd give you a pass - you weren't expecting to see her, especially in a social situation.

Sandra | 10:33 AM

So classic. ESPECIALLY because you were dead sober.

I am loving your new blog by the way ... you rock sista

Gina | 10:44 PM

That is absolutely hilarious... it just is!

The comments are closed on the ghetto holiday card... I LOVE IT! If I was half as creative, I would have thought of that and actually mailed it out. I am so all about broadcasting that I STILL DON'T SLEEP! Going strong for 14 months now. Woo Hoo!

Unknown | 2:15 PM

Teee heee pffffffff! *snorts*

Classic! You're terrible Muriel!

Ive missed you. Your blog has changed! I like it. Hope you had a splendid xmas, a cool yule and have a right on NYE xxx

BabyonBored | 10:19 PM

My question is, why were you sober? What's up with that?