In This Case I Think TMI Stands For Titty (Milk) Indecency

Tits. Breasts. Boobies. Whatever. Mine sucked at being sucked. As in breastfeeding. Actually they have always sucked at being sucked in any fashion, be it perfunctory or sexual. I have absolutley no feeling in them. My breasts are numb and dead and taking "the short bus to school" these days, after two breast reductions and my pathetic "breast-pumping 4 a smarter child" experience.

"You know... My child is going to be soooo smart now."

I quit after six weeks blah blah. If you've been reading this blog for long enough, you know the story. If not you can click here and here.

The "girls" dried up pretty soon after I stopped pumping. Not that they weren't dry to begin with. Three hours pumping got me four bloody ounces. Bloody in the literal sense, not the bloody wanka! sense. Because I pumped until blood came. And bloody breast milk does not a dinner make. Indeed I was on a failed mission, but a mission nonetheless.

I was so relieved to be done with the whole mess. My tits were mine again. The nightmare had ended... Until.

DuntDuntDUUUUUNT!

The other day my husband bit my boob. I will not get into the specifics because that is beside the point but he bit me hard enough to draw blood.

"You made me bleed!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Look!"

I squeezed the fleshwound, and the blood came oozing out along with...

DuntDuntDuuuuunt!



MILK! Out of my nipples! Return of the bloody sow! In theatres now! Ahhhhhhhh!

Naturally, I screamed. "Whatthefuckdudeholyshitfuckbuddyonafreightrainfromhellohmygod!"

And so did he: "OHMYGODWHATHAVEIDONEJesusChristonacrossunderabridgeahhhhhh!"

Because seriously, I couldn't even breastfeed when I had a baby and here I was, with milk oozing out of me like a fountain.

I squeezed the right one and sure enough... more milk.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUKK KKKKKKKKKKKK KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK???????"

And then I stood in front of the mirror with my hand over my face for ten minutes. And then I squeezed again. OHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!

And again.

"JESSSSSSSUUUUUUS CHRRRIIIISSSST! AHHHHHHHH!"

So I googled "lactation-not-pregnant-wtf?" And pulled up Liz's Lactation Guide.

"OH MY GOD THE BLOGOSPHERE IS SUCH A SMALL WORLD AHHHHHH!"

Apparently it isn't uncommon for milk to come squirting out your tatas when aroused which apparently I am around the clock. Because? If I squeeze them, milk will run. Like right now...

Yup! Milk.


Is it just me?

Am I some sort of freak of nature?

Is it because I'm a hipster parent?

Is milk still coming out of anyone else's teets? (Squeeze them real quick for me. Anything?)

Should I start webcamming myself for the lactation fetishists?

Bueller?

GGC

42 comments:

barbara rushkoff | 1:32 PM

Yes, it is because you are a hipster parent. Were you wearing a Sex Pistols t-shirt? Was it a ringer? Yes, those cause milk leakage TWO YEARS AFTER you give birth.

Erin | 1:43 PM

I am SO not a hipster parent and I was just able to get milk. Who knew?

Welcome back to the world of nursing pads. :) Sorry about that.

the weirdgirl | 2:14 PM

My mom could squeeze milk FOR YEARS after having children! I mean, I'm talking we're all in high school, she hears a baby cry and voila! milk.

Seriously, in another era she would have been a wet-nurse.

Karly | 2:21 PM

You win the award for being the first blogger to ever make me feel myself up. Congrats.

Oh, and no milk...whats wrong with me?

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 2:31 PM

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. Whippin the tits out is what GGC is all about, y'all!

mfk | 2:38 PM

hahahahahaha!!.... extra points for the creative cursing.
ok so I've never had a baby, so can't help you with the milk question (but I squeezed my boob anyway, just for you). just wanted to say this was an awesome post :)

Mamma | 2:45 PM

Stopped nursing a few months ago after nursing for...ever!! But no milk. Sorry. Then again, I'm so not a hipster parent. I live in the 'burbs.

BTW, is that Sherry Stringellow in the second picture? Big modeling career before her time on ER?

Anonymous | 2:45 PM

I breastfed for 3 months, M is now 4 and there is NO milk in these boobies. What gives?
Have you heard about moms selling their breast milk??
http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/parenting/01/26/btsc.cohen.breastmilk/index.html

molly chase | 2:56 PM

I haven't nursed in a year, and I still almost just squeezed a boob. I am clearly too easily influenced.

toyfoto | 4:25 PM

You know what this means don't you? You have mamory memory. Awesome.

MetroDad | 5:48 PM

Just squeezed my hipster parent breasts, Rebecca. Sorry, no milk! You must be a freak of nature!

By the way, there are lactation fetishists? Who knew?

motherofpearl | 6:35 PM

Still gushing, but it was fun to do it for you and not Savvy.

motherofpearl | 6:35 PM
This comment has been removed by the author.
shannon | 7:20 PM

I weaned 18 months ago, and still have milk. Now that I am preggers again it is even worse. I fear I will be menopausal and still lactating.

Bluepaintred | 7:32 PM

so listen, after the BR, is the feeling gone ALL the time or just sometime? after mine, one boob will be all nice and sensitive but the other is a dead fish just flopping around. then the next day its opposite.

freaky weird.

oh and no milk. i didnt get any with any of my babies so I didnt expect to now, but i checked cus I am all for taking every oppertunity to feel myself up

Anonymous | 7:45 PM

Holy Shit. My "baby" is two and I just squeezed milk out of my boob. It makes me want to reverse my husbands vasectomy! I am woman.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 7:56 PM

Thank God I'm not alone in freaksville. Welcome to the club, friend.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 7:57 PM

Oh and BluePaintRed? They're perma-numb. Except there are random places where I can feel a little bit. Mostly it just feels like pinching my elbow. The nerves are all fucked up.

Sharon | 9:00 PM

I can still squeeze a drop or three form the gals, and it's been a year.

The hubby enjoyed watching me feel myself up, btw. He sends his gratitude.

Liz | 9:51 PM

AHAHHAHA
That was so funny that I squirted milk out of my nose, not my boob.

Joker The Lurcher | 1:28 AM

oh my! those pictures! ladies reading a book while expressing milk! it is not how i remember the breast pump thing!

Amy | 5:20 AM

Go you for trying so hard. I had a massive breast reduction when I was 18, so I didn't even try. My surgeon told me I wouldn't be able to nurse. My obstetrician confirmed it. A few days after I got home from the hospital I noticed that my left breast was leaking. So I called up the doctor and she told me to go ahead and try if I wanted to, but most likely I wouldn't be able to get enough out to feed the baby and it would leave us both frustrated and me engorged. SO I dropped it.

With #2 I didn't leak at all. I know these days that the breast reductions have come along way and many women are able to breast feed afterward, but mine was pretty massive, with the full removal and reattachment of the nipple. And it was 1994, so they were probably performing it with chopsticks and duct tape.

I know breast feeding is great and I certainly would have if I could have, but my kids are as healthy and happy as any breastfed baby. What sucked (heh) was the constant barrage of women who felt the need to harass and condemn me because I was physically unable to nurse my baby. Apparently, providing nourishment from a bottle is child abuse. I was like, "RELAX! I almost never put vodka in it!"

Christina | 6:07 AM

I can get the tiniest of drops out of both, but then I'm pregnant, so these tatas are gearing up to go again.

But after I had Cordy, my milk supply was pretty pitiful. I was lucky to get an ounce or two out from pumping each time. I was dried up by 6 months.

Mrs. Flinger | 12:17 PM

Oh, lord, I have a post almost just like this from 9 months post partum with the She Child. Breast Reduction, blahblahblah, only got ONE oz of crappy milk ONE time, blahblahblah.

9 months later I could stir my boob in oatmeal and make a freaking meal.

You're not alone.

CJ | 1:46 PM

I BF for nine months, been "dry" since Septebmer, but I can still find a few drops for ya...

Emily | 2:32 PM

Fuck, I am 6 months post weaning and just reading you post made me leak. Yep milk still going strong, if I tried I am sure I could hook up a wet nurse gig.

mothergoosemouse | 5:32 PM

Oh thank god I'm not the only one. But like Mrs. F, they never performed in the office while hooked up to the milker. Just call me Traitor Tits.

Rock the Cradle | 5:48 PM

wiping the tears from my eyes so I can see the bloody keyboard...

Jeezus, me too. Leaky Tits r Us.

PunditMom | 7:41 PM

OMG, those pictures are crazy! No freak of nature -- just normal!

mo-wo | 10:57 PM

Fuck MD has told us all about 6 times about drinking BossLady's breastmilk.

he IS a lactation fetishist.

those pics are priceless.

Tiff | 2:11 PM

I could squeeze drops out for 9 years after my daughter. Now I'm nursing again and I sleep in warm puddles of milk.
~tif

Kelly | 1:06 PM

THAT IS CRAZY!!! That freaks me out about when I stop breast feeding. It is like some crazy karma thing. It doesn't even make sense. boobs are weird, weird, independent creatures.

ewe are here | 3:13 PM

This post scares me.

Heck. I'm 37 weeks this weekend and I DON'T want to see milk coming out of mine, and yet there'd be a good reason for it. Sigh.

MotherBumper | 6:56 PM

Totally not weird, my mom went on for years and I'm headed the same way. Totally with you on the numb stuff. Anyhow, your caption on that first photo really cracked me up. Just what I needed.

Jonathon | 9:53 AM

i spent this whole post checking to make sure I wasn't lactating. my chest feels uncomfortable just thinking about this...

PeanutButtersMum | 5:56 PM

me too! my son is 3. i never breastfed. ever. i can STILL SQUEEZE THE WHITE STUFF OUT! i know! CAAAAAAAA-RAZY!!

Shannon | 5:43 AM

with my first i only nursed for 4 months, but could still get milk 10 years later.

Stephanie T. | 9:35 PM

Am I the only one who's too skeeved out to even try? And I breastfed both my babes until they were over a year old. But the idea of "self expressing" just icks me out for some reason. I never was able to produce much at all with a pump either.

crunchycarpets | 10:54 AM

Ok....now I will never touch or let anyone touch my tits again.

Thank you.

I too was the same no milk, sucked at it all, big failure....

It must be because you are cool.

kittenpie | 4:42 PM

I have heard that most people can make themselves lactate again with a fair degree of ease. Not that I'd want to try it because good god, did my girls produce and I'd hate to start them up again! Eeek!

Cat | 12:12 PM

I'm not a mother so I can't help you with the milk thing, but my boobs are permanently numb. As you say, nerves might be all fucked up and in my case i think the stretch marks around them from when they suddendly arrived to my body are the main cause.

Crazy Baby Lady | 8:41 PM

I stopped breastfeeding my daughter at 6 months and until I got pregnant again when she was 10 months I still had milk and if I squeezed it would hit the wall. When I was pregnant that supply tripled.

I breastfed my son for only a week and I am now 9 weeks pp and still soak shirts in my sleep! I HATE it!