The Threesome

This post is rated PG-50 so if you are over 50 (my parents) read at your own risk



This post is about sex. The wondrous act that brought us here in the first place. There are 7981798789729871982931882 articles published weekly about "Sex After Children" "Keeping Your Sex Life Fresh and Exciting" etc, etc, infinity, everywhere from Christian Family Digest to The Economist to MSN news and beyond I'm sure. Not that I read Christian Family Digest or the Economist but I know a couple Christians and one Economist contributor and they told me so.

This post is not about "Keeping Your Sex Life Exciting!" yawn. There are about 56879823791873291832 ways to do that. In my opinion the real problem is keeping the little one(s) out of your bed. And shit, mine isn't even crawling, let alone jumping between Mom and Dad post coitus.

For the first few months Archer slept in our bed between us. It was a cozy little family sandwich and I loved every minute of it, almost. After all, a GGC does have needs, dudes and just because a baby came out my vagoogoo, doesn't mean I'm out of commish. Me and the hub were nervous that sex would be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway after baby. Hard not to think such thoughts during childbirth, especially when they cut your shit so the baby can enter the world without tearing you a new one. Phew!

Dadz: "Doctor? While you're down their sewing her up, feel free to sew a few more stitches, you know... heh, heh."
Me: Yeah, Doctor. Shit, why not!?

We were kidding, kind of.

For the first few months the following conversation took place pretty regularly in le bedroom, baby sleeping soundly on the pillow in the middle of the bed:

"Ahem. How do we? Um, i'm kinda feeling like we should consummate our parenthood. Okay, well why don't we surround him with pillows and, yeah, down here! I'm on the floor and I'm soooooo hot and naked. Seriously. Come down here. Fuck. Was that you're stomach or the baby? Just turn the lullaby music back on and he'll be fine. No, that wasn't him screaming it was me. Waaaaaaaaaah. See? Look at me. Great. Close your eyes then. He's fine. Humpa, humpa, hump. Sounds like he started crying. Great, talk dirty to me now! Shit. I need to buy more diapers. Oh, really? Did you boil the bottles? Never mind. Humpa, hump. Okay, enough. I can't think about anything but the effing h'ing baby right now. I lost it. Maybe later. Um, goodnight. Should be get back into bed? Yeah. (climbing back into bed) Goodnight. Wait, did you see how the baby totally smiled at the photographs on the fridge. Totally, that was so cute. Okay, goodnight. Goodnight. Babe? Yeah. Your tits are leaking all over me right now. Oh, sorry. I'll turn over. Thanks. Goodnight. Goodnight."

These days, Archer is a whopping nine months old and please don't slap me, has slept through the night since two months. Twelve hours straight, kind of. He likes to wake up at 1am when we are getting into bed to play with us and sometimes he is so stinkin cute we refuse to put him in his crib. Refuse. Too cute. Too snuggly. Too cozy in the big bed being sardines. Cut to an hour later. Baby asleep. Mommy and Daddy wide awake and ahem.... AHEM.

The thing about having sex after baby isn't so much being tired (okay, unfair because my kid is a sleeper and not quite at the curios crawler stage, but in my defense I work an average of 14 hours a day so there) but having someone SO on your mind that getting amped for sex can be hard. There is nothing like the cold shower of a dirty thought or sexual fantasy being interrupted by the thought of your child. Humpa, hump. Is baby warm enough? Humpa. Ahhhhhhh, shit! I was never religious and I STILL feel guilty. Pre-pregnancy I was a crazy little freak. Now? I just can't concentrate like I used to. No more spontaneous sex a la carte.

I can't help it. It's the kid's fault. He's too damn cute not to come between us once in a while. Three is a crowd, but I'm okay with it. After all, it could be worse. I could be tearing through the arbitrary pages of Good Housekeeping Magazine searching for "How to Have Sex with your Husband Like you did Before he was your Husband" first-person editorials. At least I still got that. I think.


GGC

16 comments:

Kristen | 4:39 PM

We're just way too concerned with not waking her up - oh who am I kidding - we never get any - maybe tonight *she says after 2 glasses of merlot* (Yes, it's only 6:30pm here).

And Mom-101 - is that what Nate looks like??? TEEHEE

Awesome Mom | 8:53 PM

Try getting it back after having two kids! Even harder. I know the conception date of #2 because we so rarley got to do IT.

mo-wo | 10:11 PM

Remember Dr. Sears says -- "Any room in the home can be a 'love chamber'"..

I think when p-man read that part of the book he wished we had let our Girl Friday sleep in our bed.

And -- thank you for this opportunity to comment, and experience the wicked word ver. du jour "ovgodwwi"!

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 10:53 PM

Did Dr. Sears seriously say, "Love Chamber?" Ew. Scary. Sheesh.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 10:53 PM

Did Dr. Sears seriously say, "Love Chamber?" Ew. Scary. Sheesh.

Mom101 | 6:10 AM

I only just recently started saying, "um, honey? Maybe we should put the baby in the other room this time while we do this." The pitfalls of co-sleeping.

Have we scarred her for life? Whoopsie.

kfk | 8:12 AM

That was a great laugh!

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 10:02 AM

Mom101- Ohhhh, yes. That is exactly what we had to do.

Instead of "scarring them for life" I like to think it's the European approach. Cue La Dolce Vita soundtrack.

kiwidebra | 12:57 PM

You know, for thousands of years, people have been doing the nasty in the same hut, teepee, yurt, etc. with their kids and they all turned out fine. Well, if you ignore things like human genocide and the Dark Ages. Crap! Now I have another thing to distract me when I'm trying to stay in the mood.

tAnYeTTa | 9:54 PM

Love Chamber?!? Ok seriously delete that. LOL just kidding....I'm still jealous over that sleeping through the night business! what the!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok yes our 16 month old still sleeps with us is that why he's always hugging and kissing on people. Geez! LOL

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 11:16 PM

hahahaha! ooooooh! that very well could be :)

kittenpie | 6:10 AM

Oh, I so hear you. I think this is the root of all mommy-brain issues, the fact that we now have a zillion things to be on top of and they all feel like they really matter. How can we be expected to concentrate? Never mind that so often ours has started waking or stirring even in the next room jsut as we were getting into it - v. discouraging. I now mark the occasions in my calendar just to remember that it happens now and then.

Days: we stopped the cosleeping at 10 mos. and she still hugs and kisses everyone - I think it's that age, learning how to make social contact - very sweet.

Dutch | 7:32 AM

so I'm a little late to this discussion, but gosh this was funny. gosh, did I just write the word "gosh"? Who the fuck am I? Anyway.

We do it on the couch. A lot.

the weirdgirl | 2:53 PM

Oh, this is so funny. Between the hotdog comment and the "cut that shit" I almost lost it. You've hit it on the head exactly. I think Keen thinks I'm just not as interested in sex, which isn't true at all. I just never get time to think about it.

Dunn Family | 4:17 PM

Been there, done that...Oh Those Were The Days! Thanks for the story! Brought up some great memories!
Keep Smiling!

grayelephant | 5:54 AM

yup, with my 11 month old son watching us through the slats of his crib with wide eyes (his crib is in our bdrm) is definitely a mood killer!!! and plus, i don't want to traumatize the poor fella!