Unfortunately for those who GOOGLE searched for the following phrases listed below, you did not find what you were looking for. Sadly, you settled for (This) Girl's Gone Child: The Blog, and scanned the archives searching for answers you will most likely never find. Your own personal missing link, a key to one undiscovered voyage, a life's expedition turned sour with question marks and ellipsis... A dream shattered with no explanation and more ellipsis... ...
Today I have chosen six unresoved searches to discuss and/or research for the oddballs out there who so kindly and anonymously asked...
...For the brave souls who searched the web with cracked binoculars this is for you:
Search #1. Exciting Handshakes for girls
The following are my all-time top three favorite and most exciting handshakes (for girls.)
1. Girl #1: "Hiya. I'm from the Itty-Bitty-Titty-committee"... (grabs boob with left hand and shakes Girl #2's hand with right.)
Girl #2: "Nice to meet a fellow member!" (grabs own boob AND friend's boob a la bonding experience.)
2. Girl #1: "Hiya. I'm from the... (shakes Girl#2's hand and tugs at Girl #2's pinky finger as if to milk it) ...Alta Dena Milking service!!!!"
3. Girl #2: "Hey there. How's it hanging!" (shaking hand like normal) "I'm Girl #2 and I'm from... (pulls hand over right shoulder and rests chin firmly on Girl #1's elbow) ...the American Rifle Association!
I hope you find these as exciting as I do. Go on and enjoy.
Search #2: How to talk sweet nothings to Latin woman
I am not myself a Latin woman, so in all fairness I called up Uncle Frank who's close enough. His response? "Feed her while you're talking. The nothings will sound sweeter."
Search #3: I made the stranger suck my boobs
Actually this search brought it's searcher to exactly the right place. Making strangers suck my boobs is something I have been doing for several glorious years.
Search #4: Pictures of uncensored girls vaginas
I have been searching all day and have not been able to find any uncensored vaginas. They have all been censored, unfortunately. Perhaps next time you might want to use a word a little less scientific like, oh, I dunno, Va-goo-goo? Polly Pocket?
Search #5: If I can teach you one thing it's that snails can't crawl backwards
I in fact did not know this and am thrilled at this fact. Enlightened and thrilled. I didn't even know snails could crawl! My life = officially complete.
Search #6. Is there a practice video game which I can play on how to learn on how to change a baby's diaper?
This is by far my favorite question. Great Scott, you're a genius! I'm on the phone with EA Games right now. I'm going to pitch the hell out of that shit. I mean, are you serious? How brill! I would totally play a diaper-changing video game AND I'd enjoy it. A million dollar idea and because you are an anonymous search-er, I am not sharing a dime. Tough luck, ex-lax.