GGC's "Top Six" Unresolved Searches

Unfortunately for those who GOOGLE searched for the following phrases listed below, you did not find what you were looking for. Sadly, you settled for (This) Girl's Gone Child: The Blog, and scanned the archives searching for answers you will most likely never find. Your own personal missing link, a key to one undiscovered voyage, a life's expedition turned sour with question marks and ellipsis... A dream shattered with no explanation and more ellipsis... ...

Today I have chosen six unresoved searches to discuss and/or research for the oddballs out there who so kindly and anonymously asked...

...For the brave souls who searched the web with cracked binoculars this is for you:


Search #1. Exciting Handshakes for girls

The following are my all-time top three favorite and most exciting handshakes (for girls.)

1. Girl #1: "Hiya. I'm from the Itty-Bitty-Titty-committee"... (grabs boob with left hand and shakes Girl #2's hand with right.)
Girl #2
: "Nice to meet a fellow member!" (grabs own boob AND friend's boob a la bonding experience.)

2. Girl #1: "Hiya. I'm from the... (shakes Girl#2's hand and tugs at Girl #2's pinky finger as if to milk it) ...Alta Dena Milking service!!!!"

3. Girl #2: "Hey there. How's it hanging!" (shaking hand like normal) "I'm Girl #2 and I'm from... (pulls hand over right shoulder and rests chin firmly on Girl #1's elbow) ...the American Rifle Association!

I hope you find these as exciting as I do. Go on and enjoy.


Search #2: How to talk sweet nothings to Latin woman

I am not myself a Latin woman, so in all fairness I called up Uncle Frank who's close enough. His response? "Feed her while you're talking. The nothings will sound sweeter."


Search #3: I made the stranger suck my boobs

Actually this search brought it's searcher to exactly the right place. Making strangers suck my boobs is something I have been doing for several glorious years.


Search #4: Pictures of uncensored girls vaginas

I have been searching all day and have not been able to find any uncensored vaginas. They have all been censored, unfortunately. Perhaps next time you might want to use a word a little less scientific like, oh, I dunno, Va-goo-goo? Polly Pocket?


Search #5: If I can teach you one thing it's that snails can't crawl backwards

I in fact did not know this and am thrilled at this fact. Enlightened and thrilled. I didn't even know snails could crawl! My life = officially complete.


Search #6. Is there a practice video game which I can play on how to learn on how to change a baby's diaper?

This is by far my favorite question. Great Scott, you're a genius! I'm on the phone with EA Games right now. I'm going to pitch the hell out of that shit. I mean, are you serious? How brill! I would totally play a diaper-changing video game AND I'd enjoy it. A million dollar idea and because you are an anonymous search-er, I am not sharing a dime. Tough luck, ex-lax.

GGC

13 comments:

Domestic Chicky | 7:45 PM

OMG! The pampers relay...The huggies hipcheck...The possibilities are endless!

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that checks those things out...Are you ever boggled when you see someone visited you from Latvia?

motherhooduncensored | 9:23 PM

I'm still laughing at exciting handshakes? People are nuts.

Mona | 12:25 AM

I'd be so good at the diaper-changing-video game I'd own it.

krista | 5:14 AM

Aaah, that was so refreshing. Thanks GGC.

Uncle Dave | 6:44 AM

Bec, thanks for reminding me of the national rifle association handshake. Somehow that shizzle was always funny. Ahhhh childhood memories.

Andrea | 7:32 AM

Dude, that video game? PERFECT! They should have levels, too, for how to handle spit up, then teething, and then what to do when you've traveled half an hour from your house and realize you FORGOT THE DIAPER BAG and your child seems to have exploded his/her hind end. The upper levels should be when they are teenagers. I'd buy it, just for the graphics.

nikki | 8:36 AM

Dude you let strangers suck your boobs too?!??!?! Could you tell me please, how to large boobied women handshake eachother? Hilarious! Thanks!

Her Bad Mother | 9:34 AM

'Strangers suck my boobies' is a far better phrase (and title) than 'Strangers with Candy.' Get on that.

And pitch that video game while you're at it. Could end up the next Pixar project.

J's Mommy | 12:29 PM

Hilarious ... and kinda disturbing at the same time.

mskimkim | 1:54 PM

You are hilarious and gorgeous. I am sooo jealous of your baby too, oh my. Definetly adding you to my links!!!

Bluepaintred | 3:17 PM

omg LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL and LMAO

pure genius

Christina | 5:49 PM

LOVE the diaper video game idea. Can you also have the game teach you how to feed and swaddle a baby as well?

Suburban Turmoil | 7:42 AM

Ha ha! As if changing diapers is that complicated! :D

Let's make it a racecar style game. Can you change a diaper in an off-road vehicle? On a city bus? In a speed boat?