Why I Hate the Suburbs: Episode One

Today, ready for a long day of poolside activity I drove on over to the local Rite Aid to pick up some Swimmer diapers for Arch. I pulled into the parking lot and waved to the man with the great big bag of charcoal to go ahead and cross the street in front of me.

"Go ahead," I said sweetly, humming along to the ster-e-er-e-o.

At first I thought he was waving back as if to say, "thanks" but then he squinted and glared and lifted his arms above his head as if to threaten me. "What the hell is your problem, bitch? Jesus Christ!"

"What?" Um. Are you..."

"We don't need your permission to cross the fucking street, dumb bitch."

"Um... I..."

"Come on kids, get in the car."

That's right. He was a FAAAATHER. He had KIIIIIDS. The children didn't even flinch at his outburst and I was so caught off guard I accidentally bought Archer the Little Mermaid, pink swimmer diapers instead of the blue "for boys" Nemos. He will be spending the week exploring his feminine side (sorry, little dude) and it's all the lifted-Suburban driving, red-mustache rocking, flip-flop Tommy Bahama wearing, Budweiser The King of Beers drinking, asshole in the parking lot with the W sticker on his rear and the softball-coach waddle. Growing up these men were everywhere. Perving on us at Ice Cream socials and pizza joints, drunk at the beach littering their idiocy all over the place, blasting Rush Limbaugh on their way to Wal-Mart.

Our L.A. crazies are far crazier than, well, everyone, but at least they're well-dressed and/or homeless without their dozen kids following them around in the streets. That's just aint cool, dude.

Unfortunately I was not born to be confrontational. I was born to smile and nod and flash a thumbs-up like a proper tourist and then talk shit on my blog, thank you very much.



Kara | 11:49 AM

A. I hate the suburbs, too.

B. Who are these people who can't controll their ass-hat impulses in front of their children?!?

C. What does Archer say/think in 6 or 7 years when another dumbass does this while you're trying to teach him to be polite to everybody, but he's totally old enough to figure out that some people are just pricks and the world usually keep quiet and gives these jerks a larger berth?

D. Why can't we all just get along, dawg?

Anonymous | 12:38 PM

People are crazy lunatics. And I was going to blame it on all the silicone out there - but apparently, they are crazy everywhere - sili or not.

Anonymous | 1:10 PM

Oh, your last statement is me to the T. Inside, I'm boiling, but my damn outside is smiling & taking the pychotic asswipe's crap. Seriously, with people like that, I sometimes think we ought to be censored as to who can reproduce.
He he he... funny... my word verification is "dyrrt". How appropo: "DIRT".

Anonymous | 1:25 PM

Next time.......run him over :)

Anonymous | 1:30 PM

My kids are older and they do hear and see the occasional wacko and their nasty comments. Yes, we have our share of nuts here in Maine.

Over the years this has come to be my standard response:
"Honey, their mom and dad never taught them manners. Yes, he will go to jail if a policeman catches him. He has to take responsibility for his actions, just like you do when you break house rules. Why did he do that? Well, maybe his momma didn't love him."

It's not prefect but it works well for the young ones. The teenagers want more involved answers and they want to know why I don't flip the nut the bird like their dad does. Manners, baby, manners.

Unknown | 2:03 PM

Good for you. I seriously would have started something I shouldn't have. I have a tendency to lose my temper at people like that. UGH.

Unknown | 2:59 PM

Did he also have some sort of Jesus sticker like WWJD or my boss is a carpenter?

I get confused when people act like that. I usually have absolutely no response.

When I am on my bike though, it is another story. When someone talks like that to me I usually give them the bird. Very sweetly mind you. and I always smile when i do it.

Jaelithe | 4:51 PM

I so would have gunned the engine at that point.

No, wait, I would have sat there in the car with a polite smile frozen on my face just like you did, and then AFTER they left I would realize it would have been badass to gun the engine, and then I would suddenly be overcome by guilt for thinking that would have been a badass thing to do, because, after all, it would have scared the poor children.

Pinterest Failures | 5:32 PM

You are one classy dame. I am afraid I would have said something back. I wouldn't have sworn as I wouldn't want kids to har that, but I would have asked him if he was socially retarded.

Sarah Goblot | 8:05 PM

OMG...the suburbs scare me. I'm convinced that there is more youth crime than in the happy go-lucky downtown part of the the city.

Sandra | 6:54 AM

I would have had a hard time holding myself back. I lived in the burbs briefly - we realized 5 minutes after we moved there that we had made a terrrrrible mistake.

ms blue | 10:49 AM

At times like those I feel like a penguin in Madagascar.
"Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave."

I think the bright, cheery face makes them more irate.

Namito | 2:09 PM

The social creature in me says:

"And you have a wonderful smiley day too!"

The sociopath in me says:

"run the fucker over. his kids are better off without him"

Her Bad Mother | 2:22 PM

People like that make me hate great big swaths of the world and I hate them for that.

Anonymous | 5:07 PM

"I was born to smile and nod and flash a thumbs-up like a proper tourist and then talk shit on my blog..."
That's so funny. Funny also because your blogging-personality seems bad-assed and assertive, even your pictures do...Yeah, I can identify. I'm the same way.

kirida | 9:39 PM

Kudos for showing some restraint and not pressing on the gas, like I would.

And when I hear hopeful musings on our children being the "future leaders," it makes me shudder to think that his kids are part of that bunch.

*Tanyetta* | 12:10 AM

wow. are people in the suburbs really like that? so glad I live in the ghetto where we'll run a motha over with the quickness! LOL

the mad momma | 4:27 AM

Maybe you should have stepped on the gas and run him over... i hate it when you go a random act of kindness and people repay you by being dogs.

And yeah.. that is me.. i get mad at people and all i can do is blog abt it.. if i didnt blog i'd get ulcers...

Anonymous | 7:05 AM

It ain't just the suburbs, GGC. My buddy took his son to see "Cars" last week. 11:00 am showing. His son got scared a few times so my buddy decided to pack everything up so they could leave. As he was doing this, some a-hole yelled out, "Hurry up and get the f*ck out of here!" My buddy almost went nuts on the guy but restrained himself because of his child. However, when he looked up at the a-hole, he was shocked to see that the guy was there WITH HIS KIDS!

Man, some people are just f*cking jerks.

Andrea | 7:27 AM

What an ass. And he bred himeslf. That's the super scary part. Too bad you hadn't thought to yell at him that you did give him permission to go instead of just running him down like he deserved. Well, maybe not in front of his kids. Your reaction was classier than mine would have been.

So while I've been ordering Karma around the last couple days, I'll send her to your neck of the woods to take care of some of your light work.

Stacy | 7:32 AM

Some people are just so rude! I don't understand what is happening lately, but it's getting worse. Nobody gives a shit about anybody anymore.


thank YOU very much. good laugh, bec

Anonymous | 7:13 PM

That's the kind of guy that gives dads a bad name. I have the same thing as you, I am not confrontational (at all), but worry about those situations because if I don't model how to be confrontational, how will my kids ever learn? There's got to be a better balance between confronting and not, right?

Anonymous | 7:21 PM

Holy crap. I'm accustomed to hearing people drop f-bombs, but a dad with his children? When you were waving him across? As a signal to him that you saw him and wouldn't suddenly lurch forward?

What a fucking asshole. And unfortunately, it's a situation where you can't very well explain yourself, and you certainly aren't going to yell FUCK YOU out the window (as much as you'd like to).

Anonymous | 12:39 PM

What an ass! I bet you anything he'd had a couple of beers before he got in the car with his kids. I grew up with a couple of those types as neighbors. A couple of them actually tried antagonizing my then boyfriend/now husband in a fight once when they were drunk. (Keen responded with the obligatory "I'm not gonna fight you old man.") Then one of them felt like a real ass when it turned out his son, who was away at boot camp, turned out to be friends with Keen. The other one is STILL a publicly-drunken asshole bigot.