Today was one of those days where Hal and I woke up fighting. I won't even go into what about because seriously, this is getting totally ridiculous. (Cough.) But we pretty much squabbled and argued and rolled our eyes at how lame and idiotic the other was acting until it was time for Hal to hit the road to do tons of shit he needed to do and me to hit the road (with Archer) to go check out my friend Stefanie's book signing.
Archer's been to my last two signings, under the supervision of my dad who missed my entire reading both times so I should have known taking Archer with me to a giant bookstore to sit still for an hour was not going to happen.
It didn't of course. I barely was able to congratulate Stef before Archer disappeared into wherever the fuck and I was like "Okay, so see ya! BRB..."
Thirty minutes and one Venti Strawberry-ccino thing later I had tamed the beast. But wait... Never mind. Turned out those Starbucks Strawberry and Cream things are maybe one of the most disgusting horrible things on this planet. Even Archer couldn't stomach it and he eats bugs and rocks so, there you go.
Pretty soon I was chasing Archer around the bookstore only to find that we were being stalked by a middle-aged, uh, sketchy dude with a backpack. I noticed him following us earlier but I figured the weird-dude was just giving us the evil-eye for being whacked and totally out of control. It turns out he was giving me serial-rapist sex eyes and after thirty-minutes of lurking around bookcases like an insane person, started asking me questions about...uh, my heritage. Whether or not I was Persian... Eastern European... Uh... which is kind of funny in retrospect because there is nothing exotic about me. I look like a half-Jewish white-girl. Oy.
Crazy dude's questions went on until I got nervous. I don't usually get spooked by crazy dudes but suddenly, today, I got scared. Especially when distracted by crazy guy I lost Archer. He ran off but in what direction? "ARCHER!!!" My heart was in my throat. I started panicking that crazy dude might do something, well, crazy.
Finally I found Archer who I grabbed by the hand and marched up to the front of store to buy Stefanie's book, which I had been holding and trying to pay for since I arrived. Archer started screaming. I didn't even care at this point.
"What? You want a piece of me? Don't FUCK WITH ME! AH!"
In the car on the way home there was traffic. On the 101 there is always traffic and Archer, like every other breathing human hates traffic, thus antagonizing him to scream and throw a full SIGG bottle at my head which was just fucking mean. Oh, man, was that mean.
I would have threatened to pull over and "park this car this instant" but we were already, well, stopped.
And then? AND THEN?
Upon arriving at home, Archer LOCKED me out of my own house. For 40 MINUTES. I dumped my stuff, went to grab the mail and dude slammed the door on me, laughing all the while. I didn't have my keys. Or my phone. I had nothing. I had the mail.
The mail didn't help.
Shockingly, though? I didn't cry. A true Christmas miracle for a girl who cried during last week's manicure when a 93 year-old woman complimented me on my choice of nail color (it was black) and wasn't being facetious. For whatever reason that moved me. Because little old ladies don't seem like they're supposed to compliment a girl on her black nail-polish but I digress, here I go again.
Today, standing in the 100 degree heat, locked out of my own house, with my cherubic son making faces at me from the window, I just sat on my ass and waited. For what? I don't know. I waited for Hal to come home-- to have some kind of psychic episode and KNOW to rush home and let me back in the house. I waited for a dog-walker with a cell-phone. I waited for my mom. I waited for Superman, Batman and Spiderman. I waited for Robin Hood. I even waited for the crazy stalker-guy to pop out of a bush with his backpack full of knives and tape and help me break into my house.
The last thing I expected was for Archer to figure out how to open the front door himself (a doorknob that most of our friends can't figure out) and let me back in.
Which of course, he did. He opened the door and welcomed me back into our house. And only after 40 minutes of me picking my nose, thinking, "man, this totally sucks..."
"Yay, Mommy!" he clapped, welcoming me with open arms and a diaper that appeared to have soaked through his shorts.
I have never been so relieved to be in my house, to change a diaper, I'll tell you what.
When I called Hal to relay the day's events he sighed and said, "Are you sure you want another kid?"
I thought long and I thought hard and then I said, "Yes, Hal. I do."
Because maybe, just maybe a second child will mean someone ELSE for Archer to lock out of the house beside his mother.
That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.