Lock, Stalk and Sheesh, Today Sucked

Today it was 100 degrees. Let me first just say that I HATE the heat. Hate. Anything upwards of 80 degrees upsets me. This is why Portland and San Francisco are my ideal places to live. San Francisco isn't 100 degrees right now and frankly, I've never been more excited to hit the road for Nor Cal and then Nor West... uh... Am? Am to Can? 

Today was one of those days where Hal and I woke up fighting. I won't even go into what about because seriously, this is getting totally ridiculous. (Cough.) But we pretty much squabbled and argued and rolled our eyes at how lame and idiotic the other was acting until it was time for Hal to hit the road to do tons of shit he needed to do and me to hit the road (with Archer) to go check out my friend Stefanie's book signing. 

Archer's been to my last two signings, under the supervision of my dad who missed my entire reading both times so I should have known taking Archer with me to a giant bookstore to sit still for an hour was not going to happen. 

It didn't of course. I barely was able to congratulate Stef before Archer disappeared into wherever the fuck and I was like "Okay, so see ya! BRB..."

Thirty minutes and one Venti Strawberry-ccino thing later I had tamed the beast. But wait... Never mind. Turned out those Starbucks Strawberry and Cream things are maybe one of the most disgusting horrible things on this planet. Even Archer couldn't stomach it and he eats bugs and rocks so, there you go. 

Pretty soon I was chasing Archer around the bookstore only to find that we were being stalked by a middle-aged, uh, sketchy dude with a backpack. I noticed him following us earlier but I figured the weird-dude was just giving us the evil-eye for being whacked and totally out of control. It turns out he was giving me serial-rapist sex eyes and after thirty-minutes of lurking around bookcases like an insane person, started asking me questions about...uh,  my heritage. Whether or not I was Persian... Eastern European... Uh...  which is kind of funny in retrospect because there is nothing exotic about me. I look like a half-Jewish white-girl. Oy.  
Crazy dude's questions went on until I got nervous. I don't usually get spooked by crazy dudes but suddenly, today, I got scared. Especially when distracted by crazy guy I lost Archer. He ran off but in what direction? "ARCHER!!!" My heart was in my throat. I started panicking that crazy dude might do something, well, crazy.

Finally I found Archer who I grabbed by the hand and marched up to the front of store to buy Stefanie's book, which I had been holding and trying to pay for since I arrived. Archer started screaming. I didn't even care at this point. 

"What? You want a piece of me? Don't FUCK WITH ME! AH!"

In the car on the way home there was traffic. On the 101 there is always traffic and Archer, like every other breathing human hates traffic, thus antagonizing him to scream and throw a full SIGG bottle at my head which was just fucking mean. Oh, man, was that mean. 

I would have threatened to pull over and "park this car this instant" but we were already, well, stopped.

And then? AND THEN?

Upon arriving at home, Archer LOCKED me out of my own house. For 40 MINUTES. I dumped my stuff, went to grab the mail and dude slammed the door on me, laughing all the while. I didn't have my keys.  Or my phone. I had nothing. I had the mail. 

The mail didn't help. 

Shockingly, though? I didn't cry. A true Christmas miracle for a girl who cried during last week's manicure when a 93 year-old woman complimented me on my choice of nail color (it was black) and wasn't being facetious. For whatever reason that moved me. Because little old ladies don't seem like they're supposed to compliment a girl on her black nail-polish but I digress, here I go again

Today, standing in the 100 degree heat, locked out of my own house, with my cherubic son making faces at me from the window, I just sat on my ass and waited. For what? I don't know. I waited for Hal to come home-- to have some kind of psychic episode and KNOW to rush home and let me back in the house. I waited for a dog-walker with a cell-phone. I waited for my mom. I waited for Superman, Batman and Spiderman. I waited for Robin Hood. I even waited for the crazy stalker-guy to pop out of a bush with his backpack full of knives and tape and help me break into my house. 

The last thing I expected was for Archer to figure out how to open the front door himself (a doorknob that most of our friends can't figure out) and let me back in. 

Which of course, he did. He opened the door and welcomed me back into our house. And only after 40 minutes of me picking my nose, thinking, "man, this totally sucks..."

"Yay, Mommy!" he clapped, welcoming me with open arms and a diaper that appeared to have soaked through his shorts. 

I have never been so relieved to be in my house, to change a diaper, I'll tell you what. 

When I called Hal to relay the day's events he sighed and said, "Are you sure you want another kid?"

I thought long and I thought hard and then I said, "Yes, Hal. I do."

Because maybe, just maybe a second child will mean someone ELSE for Archer to lock out of the house beside his mother. 

That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. 


For those of you looking for a hilarious read, may I recommend Stefanie's book, Naptime is the New Happy Hour. I've been reading it all evening and so it's hilarious and kooky and just soooo "Amen, sister" great. Click here to order. 


Anonymous | 10:50 PM

Had to come back and tell you I just finished the book and, seriously, love it so much. I, fit in with the crazy martyr mommy types and it's refreshing to know there's many others like us out there.

I have to tell you that the line "...when I hear the words 'there is no time,' because it isn't true. Anyone who says so doesn't want it bad enough" really struck a chord. I needed to be reminded of that.

Awesome. Really.

Anonymous | 10:51 PM

DON'T fit in with the mommy martyrs. BAD TYPO. BAD.


Ha! I figured. And thank you so much for your words.

Backpacking Dad | 12:02 AM

Ok. Crazy stalker dude with the backpack...TOTALLY WASN'T ME.


And I totally had your day beat (92 degrees on the drive back to Menlo Park from Santa Cruz, stuck on the 17 halfway through the mountains, traffic so bad we had to turn around and go back to Santa Cruz for 2 hours and then take the 1) until Archer locked you out. That was probably more frustrating than moving 1 mile in an hour on the 17.

But it's a close one.

Unknown | 6:27 AM

OK, seriously I've had a week of these days with the toddler mayhem and chaos and I needed this post. You can crack me up with your misery. Sorry, but you do. You are amazing, and make we want to go paint my nails black and sit on my porch for 40 minutes ALONE!


BabyonBored | 10:08 AM

Uh, the "creepy dude" was my HUSBAND. Thanks. Thanks a lot. He was just trying to make conversation.

Seriously, sorry you had such a crap day and thanks for showing up anyway! It was so nice to see your friendly supportive face. And you look amazing.

Anonymous | 12:54 PM

I just finished your book and I LOVED it! My son is much like yours and I could relate to the push and pull of wanting them to develop at their own pace and being pushed into early intervention and speech therapy. Personally I don't think the therapies really helped but they certainly didn't hurt.
He is still my unique and wonderful boy but now we get to hear what is going on inside his beautiful little head! It is amazing however it happened!
Anyway, I read your blog daily and think you are an amazing writer. I started and finished the book in one sitting. I just wanted to say thanks for reminding me and so many others that you can still follow your dreams and be an incredible parent at the same time.
I look forward to hearing about all the wonderful progress Archer will continue to make. You are both so lucky to have each other.
Congratulations on the book and the new baby.

Anonymous | 1:06 PM

i am behind on commenting since my awesome sister was visiting. so congrats on everything (except the traffic and stuff) and Walden- as in Waldenbooks? because that's kind of cute since you have a book and all. Can't wait to find out the new name when the kiddo is born!!

Anonymous | 1:07 PM

!jjlibra (god, i always do that!!!!)

Anonymous | 2:50 PM

you're right, it is really effing hot here and traffic does not make it more fun... spent 15 minutes in a turn lane on PCH yesterday cursing everything around me and NOT. MOVING. although I'm trying to appreciate the sun b/c I know in May/June it'll go back to being gray... April is like this fake summer that just kinda teases you a little.

maybe the new kid on the block will distract Archer so he can't lock you out? ha. probably they'll team up.

Unknown | 7:59 PM

Crap...I was hoping to see you at Stefani's signing. I was so planning on going but I had the cold from hell. Even lost my voice. Spent almost the whole day in bed. Now I'm kind of glad I didn't make it out of the house. Sounds like it was definitely a day to stay in bed. Oh...and I'm not surprised you were stalked in this neighborhood. Well, I mean...you're super-hot...and there are definitely a lot of sketchoids hanging at that particular B&N. YIKES. XO

SciFi Dad | 5:13 AM

First time visitor. I have seen your name "around" (not in a bad way, but at more than a couple sites I read regularly) and found some time to stop by and read.

I think it's pretty cool that you have such an independent son. My daughter won't let me bring the garbage out unless she can stand on the porch and talk to me the whole time (a complicated endeavour in the middle of January north of Toronto).

Mrs. McKenna | 5:41 AM

I locked myself out the first week we lived here, and I did cry. I screamed "HELP" and my neighbor, who I had only met once, came running to help. Luckily I had left the front window open, so he popped out the screen and shoved his 5 year old through the window to let us in the back, and let my daughter out. Only the kid got scared and lost and started crying in the middle of our house because he didn't know what door to open to get to the back porch. After 15 minutes or so the little trooper found his way. y daughter was happy as a clam banging on the window and laughing at me the whole time. There wasn't anything for her to hurt herself on. Now that she's 3 I would have done what you did, although I did finally get a hide-a-key so it won't happen again.

Fraulein | 7:06 AM

Oh my God, that sucks. Glad that it all turned out OK in the end! Meanwhile I am NOT thrilled to hear that it's already 100 degrees out there in L.A., since we are headed to visit my in-laws in Burbank at the end of May...by that point it will probably be 110. Awesome.

Anonymous | 8:38 AM

I just finished that book, right before I started yours!

I also loved her first book. It was great reading for all those hours spent pumping at work.

Anonymous | 1:58 PM

so sorry to hear about such a horrible day - my baby locked in house would have freaked me out! You handled it all with such grace. Can't wait to see you tomorrow in the big OC! Already read the lovely book but will buy another for a gift. xo

Anonymous | 9:11 PM

Trust your instincts with creepy old men in bookstores (or anyone, anywhere). Makes me panic just reading about this. Just made sure that my little one is in bed sleeping.

Anonymous | 1:18 PM

Looking forward to meeting you in Oakland and signing my book! Cant wait


Jaelithe | 8:10 PM

Oh! My son locked me out once. It was not cool.

Unknown | 4:08 PM

According to one of the vintage style sites I've visited, black nail polish was briefly the rage back in the 30's. Perhaps your boss nails reminded that little old lady of herself when she was younger.