Los Angeles and Me

I just posted something over at Straight From the Bottle. Something that I cannot stop thinking about. My city. This city. Archer's city. The city I defend and bash and love and hate and want to leave. The city that I came to be somebody. The place that has made me. Trained me. Fucked me. Broke my heart. Changed my life. Blessed me:

I am here. In Los Angeles. Where palm trees are carefully placed and planted and we are made to think they grow wild.

After I posted this, I thought maybe I should have posted it here. Because this is my personal blog and this is where everything started. And if it wasn't for this blog, I wouldn't be standing on the threshold of new opportunity. I wouldn't believe in stupid cliches and everything happens for a reason. I believe it now. That I was meant to move here. To quit college and write, even when everyone insisted it was the wrong decision. A bad decision.

Hollywood is not exactly the place people bring their families to settle down. And like everyone else who ended up here in this twisted Mecca of addiction and narcissism, I came here for a dream. I came here to drop out of film school and try to be somebody...
.

When I found out I was pregnant, I had a choice to make. Start a family or focus on my career. Then I decided I would do both. Or at least, try. Because I didn't want to give anything up. Because I was convinced I didn't have to. Because why should I? Because I was in love with Archer long before he had a name and a face and fingers. Because there was nothing that could stop me from doing what I wanted to do my whole life. Something I believed I could do.

And no, Los Angeles is no place to raise a family. But I don't know that anywhere really is. The world is far too big and life is far too short and there are monsters under the beds in every household.

The truth is, It all happened here. In Los Angeles. Where I moved because I had a dream. Because at eighteen, I thought that Los Angeles was for people like me. People who wanted to make something happen. People who's livelihood depended on it. People who worked all night and then went for days without sleep. Without fear. Delusional as all hell, but passionate.

We are HERE. And for now HERE is Los Angeles, and after seven years of working and loving and hating and trying and submitting and needing and doing and dreaming:

Something has happened. Because of Los Angeles. Because of Archer. Because of HERE. And so I remove my hat and quietly thank the palm trees. And the sign. And the Sunset Strip. And all of the things that have brought me here...

And to my knees.

GGC

10 comments:

Leigh C. | 5:03 AM

I feel the same way about New Orleans, especially now.

For a long time, I didn't want to have kids. I especially didn't want to have kids here. In the city that care forgot. In adult Disneyland.

But, hey, here I am. Raising the little guy in a city I love, though it is hard to at this time in its history.

You got me thinking...

Bluepaintred | 5:40 AM

makes me so curious as to what the something that happened is

ECR | 3:23 PM

Sounds like a good place to be.

Kristen | 7:25 PM

Beautiful.

alice | 9:07 PM

oh, i know how you feel. about LA. i feel the same way, even though i've only been here for a year and a half, and i don't have a baby (though i wish i did if only for the fact that i could provide archer with another antisocial playmate), but i agree with you about it being a city where people come to make something happen. everyone always talks about LA as being so "laid back"....when in reality, everyone has at least 15 projects going on at one time and probably wants you to be part of at least three of them.

and i agree with you about it feeling so strongly HERE and NOW and regardless of anything else, THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE. especially because it is a city that there are so many different preconceived notions about. you have to break through that and find your own LA--and something has happened because of los angeles for me, too. there's something about this city that makes things happen, or makes you make things happen. and i don't mean like paris hilton.

anyway--this post resonates with me. and in general, i love your writing, and it's fascinating to read about you and archer, you're exactly the kind of mom i aspire to be if and/or when that happens. and you're a fantastic writer.

Momo | 7:00 AM

nice writing...seriously keep it up! Nothing is so obvious...sometimes so vague...in your lines! That's what I like it...you let the reader to choose anything it is handiest for him...
In 2005 in spring I was unexpected pregnant...I had started being woried about my career and so on...it didn't take too long because I lost that baby ( too weak for a pregnancy...there are moment, like this, when I am thinking what if...

Andrea | 7:14 AM

Congratulations on the something that happened. I hope it's as big as your dreams!

Loved your writing on this post. as usual.

angie | 9:51 PM

Stopped in & read your post at 'Straight From the Bottle.' Where did you get Archer's "A" shirt?! I want one for my daughter (name is Ava)..

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 10:09 PM

Angie-

http://woopsiebaby.com/

Take care!

Mom101 | 8:41 PM

I always turn to you to reassure me that my move out there won't suck. Sometimes I am reassured sometimes I'm not. But I suppose that's because you're so honest - which I way prefer to the alternative.

I wish I could have seen you this week but I never got more than a mile from the airport.