Every episode of
Momversation is fronted by a different panelist's question. I'm thinking sex is way more exciting to girltalk about than parenting (but that might have something to do with the fact I have a parenting blog and let's be honest, talking about being a mom can get old) so here I go again. The words "pussy," "vagina," and "cockandballs" have been removed by the forces that be but don't worry, the segment is STILL worth watching. Especially because Fable makes a cameo appearance, which, I mean... who doesn't love that?
Today's lovely-lady panelists include Heather from
Dooce, Nataly from
Work-It Mom and Mindy from
The Mommy Blog.
Talk dirty to me, people. How has your sex life changed since having kids? Do you see your body as less sexual? More sexual? Explicit details, please.
52 comments:
"Explicit details, please"?? Nunh-unh. No way. How easy do you think I am? You could at least buy me a drink before asking me to give it up. Sheesh.
Details? Dude, what is sex again? After three kids, I'm not sure I remember. :)
Ok, I want to be on momversation, how do I make that happen?
Great topic, glad you covered it!
There seems to be a place on the Momversation homepage where you can click if you want top guest-star: http://momversation.com
Oooh, good topic. It took a long, long while for us, post-baby, to get to a place where sex was not just a chore or a momentary fascination for me. 3+ years, in fact. Bad episiotomy, "objects shifting in flight" - yes, a too-soft-for-my-comfort belly, and saggier boobs. My swagger was definitely gone... I had no sexual confidence. What helped - for me - was finally starting regular exercise again (walking, jogging, pushups), taking a yoga class (AWESOME), and getting beautifully-tattooed. Now it's much, much better. :)
Hmm, not sure it's appropriate to horn in here (get it? horn in?). Maybe I should wait for a Dadservation forum. Although I will say this: patience and understanding are the keys for any guy post-baby.
I was lucky in that my birth was easy and left me with just one stitch. I was ready for sex again after four weeks, but we waited until the go-ahead at six. It was the longest we'd ever gone, and I think that helped make the transition a little smoother. We both wanted it so badly, by then. Even still, though, the first few times were -- weird. And a little uncomfortable. Even after we got over that, lack of sleep and frustration with the constant on-the-job learning curve of first time parents means we're not always on the same page. I have more nights now where really all I want to do is sleep. Or get the job done quickly.
Things are different, definitely, but still good.
I could talk sex for eons. Sometimes too graphically (as some of my friends would say "ooh..you went that extra step"), but I feel sex should be able to be talked about freely. Its so very obvious it's happening in our hyper-sexualized culture, in the bedroom, and well, we wouldn't be here if not for the act. So I say, talk on.
I've read a lot of moms (both of the new and seasoned variety) perspectives on sex and how it was after vs. before. For me it was a completely different story....
I love sex. Always have and always will. So the 6 week wait was sheer torture. Despite the recovery pain, a clingy infant, and completely fucked outlook on my body those first few months, somehow the urge still found me. I remember a few couple days after we brought home our son, I was staring at my fiance while he was on the computer. Just staring at him like a creep. And this feeling came like, "whoa, you are a MAN! Not only do you bring me joy and pleasure, but you gave us our son." I think it was my first experience with penis envy. Or more likely, penis appreciation.
As soon as I got the green light from the OB, I got back into my usual routine. How?
Quite simply I focused on US. I pushed any mommy thoughts I had in my head at the moment to the backburner and developed a useful ability to switch gears from mom/fiance/kitchen cleaning maven to pleasure seeker. I've always been me, and I always will be. Why let a new addition (as life changing as it is) change my perspectives on sex?
Like you wrote- "Let the baby adapt to you." I took that advice to the fullest. He has changed some things (spontinaety wise, we can't just knock boots if he's throwing a fit), but I feel if he didn't have parents that loved each other (sex being a part of that love), he'd be cheated out of something very important.
This topic also leads me to another though-
Does the gender of your child change the way you view things?
I had a boy so I feel as though boy humour and sex are just natural, the way boys do. But for some reason I have it in my head that if I had a girl, I'd approach sex much differently.
Did you have different views with Archer than Fable?
Borat: "I like you. I like sex."
Good Father states"
"I will say this: patience and understanding are the keys for any guy post-baby."
Hey you should change your name to good husband. Also do you give advice to unrealistic husbands?
what webcam do you use?
I'm childless, so I can't contribute to the conversation, but I loved your little ending blurb. "I won't be dancing around in crotchless underwear and pasties..." I'm still laughing.
after the first baby hubs and i were like rabbits. which was especially odd, bc we'd never really been THAT into sex to begin with. i think it maybe had something to do with the fact that any inhibitions i previously had were all but gone. i basically felt like he'd seen all there was to see and if he's still interested then BRING IT ON. haha
after #2 is such a different story though. i really thought things would be great in the sack again afterward, but i have had ZERO sex drive. #2 is 8mo this week and we are just now starting to enjoy each other again. which makes it a little weird since we've been TTC since august.
Ah, you would think that with five kids we would be doing it like rabbits, but no, the sex is scarce and sporadic...the sex drive even more scarce and sporadic
Plus my hubby deploys often so..maybe we should get a rabbit or something like that...or stop having children...:)
It's a kodak zi6 HD camera. All of us momversationalists were given the same cam with tripod so we're all filming from an actual camera not a webcam. :)
My husband and I have never gone more than a week without sex so the thought of waiting 6 weeks after giving birth to my son was outrageous! We waited 6 days. It hurt horribly for me, but he was gentle and we made it through. It took until about 8 weeks for me to fully enjoy it again, probably because we started so soon after me giving birth. I had a relatively easy birth (by that I mean no tearing, etc) so I'm sure that's the only reason it was possible for us to do it so soon. I'm now pregnant with #2, so guess we'll see how another addition adds to the stresses of trying to find the time...
I too am not yet a parent, but thanks for posting this because you've definitely delayed my desire to have one!! I've been seeing these mothers lately and kind of oohing and ahhing, but it really does entail a whole lot more... more than I'm ready for.
I have to agree with goodfather - patience and understanding are the keys for any guy post-baby.
In our case, it was even longer and tramatic since our son came close to death within weeks after birth and spent time in ICU at Children's Hospital 125 miles from home.
About the time we might normally have resumed sex, I vividly remember pacing the halls of the hospital, pushing the IV stand and carrying this little bundle in my hand. I remember carrying on a conversation with God, the gist being that he could take me now, just save this precious little bundle that was our son. It is amazing the intense feelings parenthood can arouse in both sexes.
So it wasn't surprising that sex wasn't the number one priority in that first year for us. But oh what an emotional release it was when it finally happened given all that had gone on!
(Sorry about the novella length comment.)
oh my goodness. These momversation pieces have been great...but this is one that I could not pass up comment-wise...the "pasties" comment was hilarious.
Well, ya know how you read in every "what to expect" book that pregnancy hormones may increase or decrease your libido? Yeah...I got the short end of that stick. I think that the Mr. and myself had "relations" about 3 times the entire time I was pregnant. Reasons? Well...those good ol' hormones led to lots of "all day" sickness, exhaustion, and moodiness in the beginning 4 months. Then, once I was over that...everything had started changing inside my body and sex was SO uncomfortable that I did not enjoy or even appreciate sex. I have to tell ya, I was scared out of my mind as to what sex was going to be like AFTER the baby got here...I was pushing and in labor for four and a half hours (babe got stuck) and then delivered via emergency C-section. So luckily, I didn't have any real changes "down there." After we were given the "go ahead"...hubs and I gave it a shot...and I'm not too shy to say, it was painful but worth it. We have definitely had some amazing post-baby love making. For serious.
So anywho....that's my two cents. And I have to post anonymously...b/c I don't want hubby's boss to find this in his google alerts. ;)
Yes, sex life is totally changed in a million webbed ways. Ex: I was never really a night time sex gal, I always enjoyed the morning sleepy eyed romp and when kiddos crawl into your bed at the blink of dawn, well, those romps are impossible.
I think father's can contribute to the sexless feeling that comes with becoming someone's mom too. I gave birth to our third in February (and it's been a long road, actual birth was easy but my uterus gave me a big fuck you afterward which involved mid-evil-like surgery) and last week on my birthday I got cutting boards. Yes, cutting boards. Silly as a birthday gift sounds it contributes to feeling like a sexless domesticate.
DH and I have been together for 9.5 years, married for 7, we've got two kids, and for us, sex is much better after #2 than it ever was after #1. Or even before, for that matter.
Well, it is now that I've weaned #2 and am no longer breastfeeding. TMI, but my breasts play a big role in how much I enjoy sex, and while BF it was really tough to separate the two functions. I wouldn't have given up the 14 months I BF each of my kids, but I'm sure glad to have them back to myself (and DH). Things are great; we're more active now than we ever were as a married couple before kids.
I think for me it also has to do with the fact that I'm using a form of birth control that's just as effective as sterilization... so I've got the freedom to be more spontaneous and without worrying that #3 will happen without us planning it (we're not planning on any more). We only used the barrier method after #1, so there was always in the back on my mind... 'what if it breaks?'
We started back up at 6 weeks PP with #1 and at 10 days PP with #2. I had no tearing or stitches the second time, and the fear of DH and me not knowing what to expect wasn't there; we'd been through The First PP Time before.
Sex is NOT an essential part of our marriage; we've been apart b/c of military obligations for long stretches of time before, and we're stronger in other areas of our relationship. But it's nice to be able to still share that aspect of marriage with each other, and grow more and more comfortable with it as the years go by.
I have to say the whole "wait six weeks" think is very foreign to me, mostly because limiting our view of "sex" to just intercourse was not part of our reality. We never stopped having sex, but we had to be creative. (My hub can accurately quote the page of "What To Expect" where they say that fellatio is always safe during pregnancy). Sometimes we would just talk dirty while he...took care of himself; sometimes I would be involved in one way or another in the taking-care-of part. We just didn't let one aspect of our sexuality being on hold prevent us from being a sexual couple together.
Sure, the whole year after my son was born had its ups and downs, what with clogged ducts, body image issues, and about a million other things...but we tried to work through them as much as possible, and we never let the whole "we can't have sex now" attitude stop us from being sexual as lovers.
TMI...I know. But it's kind of a TMI kinda question.
Thanks for the more interesting topic! We never quite made it 6 weeks over here. After the first baby it was 3.5 weeks and after the second I don't think we lasted 2 weeks. What can I say, we have no restraint.
I was one of those who got the pregnancy hormone libedo boost, and that combined with the fact that my BF is one of those guys who finds the pregnant body to be the hottest of hotness really helped with the self-esteem issues.
When it came to "getting back on the horse" well, yes I felt flabby, but at the same time I figured that if the guy still wanted it after having seen the whole show it couldn't be that bad. There were unexpected perks, like the fact that I suddenly had boobs where none had been before, that we both enjoyed. And as for the act itself, well, it's exciting, like loosing your virginity all over again. You're nervous and a bit sore, but not in a bad way.
Wow, I hope my mom doesn't read your blog!
Sorry, got distracted there.
As for how things have changed overall since having kids: I would say we do it more, but that's probably because before the first kid was born we only saw each other on weekends. Since kid # 2 we don't have sex quite as often, due to time constraints and the remarkable ability our kids have for bursting in or waking up screaming at exactly the wrong moment. But on the whole I would say the closeness has been increased rather than decreased since having kids.
We used sex to induce labor my first three pregnancies and never made it past two weeks with any of the four post partum...I'd say sex ebbs and flows now, but we don't usually go more than 2 weeks without it.
Sex for my husband and myself is no longer the smack down, scream it out baby affair of yesteryear. I hate having to be so quiet and I really hate how flabby my stomach and boobs are now that I've weaned my daughter and lost the baby weight. *sigh*
make the effort, take the time, lock the doors.
i loved reading this post and the comments thread. so true and so honest. but what i want to know is... do your partners read this? mine would not be happy if i blogged about this! he's pretty openminded but not enough for me to post the details online!
Right now, I'm too tired. If I'm going to lie down, my eyes will be closed. I;'m hoping that will change soon, or at least we might have a few minutes to ourselves soon. Since naptimes are over, too, it's not happening. Maybe over christmas holidays when we can send the girl to daycare and be home alone together? Otherwise, we might need a babysitter and a hotel room. That's the biggest impediment.
I'm not loving the whole loose tummy skin and stretch marks and so on, but I can live with that part once I get rid of some of the post-preg weight and bloat, which is, I have to say, dragging me down a bit right now.
I am the proud mother of a 4 month old baby boy. Sex during my pregnancy stayed about the same as pre-pregnancy(which was about 2-3 times a week). This was mostly because my fiance thinks pregnant girls are hot! I had a very easy birth. We did not make the 6 week mark I think it was about 4 weeks. Now we are having sex at least 3-4times of week!! We always make time to be with each other. It helps me keep my sanity!! Thanks for the interesting topic.
Oh Rebecca, how I adore you. I'm in a different place than the women in this clip for sure. I'm in my sexual evolution right now- I divorced, my kids are 8 and 3.
My question is rather quite the opposite. It's more like: how do I get back to passion for mothering and stop spending so much time wearing pasties and doing lap dances for my lovers.
Polar opposite ends of the spectrum, and to be honest, I think as a mom, the place that I am in with regard to this aspect is more lonley than being a mom who is grappling with her sexuality.
I wrote a little about it on my blog, I mentioned that after my diovorce intimate ecstasy has reverberated into my life and permanently changed the curve of the wind and the beams of the sun so that it feels as though they are speaking directly to me, like gifts from the universe.
I wrote a little about about about how I have come to see sexuality as a fluid state of mind with gifts that run far deeper than this randy experience, or that great orgasm.
I mentioned that I've come to know that there is great wisdom in the body/mind/soul experience of the erotic just as their is wisdom in the mind/body/soul experience of practicing yoga.
I vented a little that I live in a culture that shoves sex down my throat through advertising and media on one hand, yet on the other behaves like a puritanical anti-sex society.
I want to write about how these books like "Women Who Love Sex" and "Sacred Whores and Healers" affirmed me and helped me to reevaluate crippling morality messages and understand sexuality differently.
But I don't. Because it is "inappropriate" or something. because I also write about my children on my blog, and it feels odd to write about both.
I'm glad you and others are talking about this, and video blogging it.
Actually, one of the best tips for surviving the first year of having a newborn was this rule (I'd give credit, but can't remember where I read this):
Rule #1: Mom gets an orgasm first.
Whatever else happens during the day is somehow easier if that rule is followed.
I'm 20 wks pregnant, and sex after childbirth is something I've been wondering about. Sex is already different for us now, because there's this...BELLY in the way, and it's hard to be very active in bed without feeling like I'm crushing the poor thing.
Anyhoo, I'm enjoying reading these comments & learning. Also, I just got your book from Amazon yesterday and am already almost halfway through!
I think we waited nine days before being sexual again, although we didn't have intercourse for a month (and it was probably still too soon). At the beginning we were at it like crazy, the hormones I guess! Then I kinda lost my mojo, with a very difficult baby, the accumulation of sleepless nights, adjusting to life as a family, and returning to work...
He's still ALWAYS after me and although I'm flattered that he still finds me attractive (I wouldn't say my body is destroyed but I'm still 10 pounds heavier, with a lot more "softness" than before), most of the time I'm like: "Seriously? Again?", which is awful and I feel terrible about. It's not that I don't like it anymore but it's just so low on my list of priorities! It's a cerebral thing more than anything else. I find it real hard to shut down my brain of tasks and things to think about, and get in the mood.
I LOVED your wink ;)
I have a 7 mo old and sex still doesn't feel "normal". Physically, it feels almost the same as it did before. A little different, but it no longer hurts.
My big problem is mentally, I'm still not there. I'm breastfeeding and it feels weird for my husband to touch my breasts sexually. And my nipples aren't very sensitive anymore, so it also doesn't feel as good as it used to.
I assume it will get better as my daughter gets a little older and isn't quite as dependent on me. But then we'll be trying for baby #2 and it starts all over again!
Thanks for posting about such an important topic.
I pretty much have no interest in sex, which is weird 'casue I used to be a real slut.
I think this is a great topic for every mother. My daughter is 14 months old and like Heather we didn't have sex for about 7 months after she was born. I tore fairly medium and had to have stitches and my hormones were all CRAZY. I didn't have the post partum, thank goodness but I felt like I was a machine, breastfeeding and changing diapers.
I didn't have a maternity leave but was able to take my daughter to work with me until she was about 4 months old, which was great. But I didn't have time to think about it. I felt so bad for my husband. When we did finally do the deed, my sex drive kicked in even more than before my daughter. Now my orgasims are GREAT!
I still don't feel very sexy with 20 extra pounds but my husband loves the extra booty.
My sex drive diminished until it was pretty non-existent. I had finally gotten it back, when (much to my husbands dismay) I got pregnant. go figure.
I don't think we've ever gotten back to "normal" and my "baby" is two. :( I was always much more sexual than my husband and as such, was the initiator. But post-baby, I struggled with everything you were talking about... and my libido has just dropped. My husband seems a little weird to me because as other wives complain that their husbands are all over them, mine doesn't seem to have an issue with our current "arrangement"... which works out to three times a month. I miss the old me sometimes... but I don't think he does. :/
For me, after three kids, which include a set of twins, proper lighting (or lack thereof) is key.
My confidence in our sex life post-children is probably evidence that I am diluted and unbalanced. ;) My body isn't even close to what it was, but for whatever reason, I never went through not desiring sex after giving birth. In fact, I had sex three weeks early after both times.
However, a friend of mine went through just that. After six months of not having sex, or I should say having sex once because she forced herself to and then called me afterward crying because she was still in love with her husband and was heartbroken that making love to him was so much like a chore, she decided to go to the doctor.
Her doctor did a blood test on her and determined that her testosterone was really, really low. She then told my friend that it was extremely common after childbirth and, in many cases, either doesn't correct itself or doesn't correct itself quickly. The doctor treated the problem and my friend got back on track.
Pregnancy and caring for newborns is exhausting physically and emotionally. I remember feeling completely disconnected from the world, as though we were living in a foreign country and I was the only person who didn't speak the native language. I slept when my friends were awake and was awake when they were asleep. It took its toll on me in different ways, but sex was never one of its casualties.
Ok, just so you know and can be forewarned...sex on the couch, doesn't work after your kids turn about three. Just trust me on this one. :)
i just watched this at work (with headphones) and gasped LOUDLY when heather mentioned it was 7 months before she & john had sex after leta.
co-sign fleuris: this conversation definitely put the brakes on any "mommy" thoughts i had before watching this video.
yeesh.
pre-baby: I was down for sexin' in random and odd locations and felt very confident about who I was.
post-baby: what's sex? whose body is this?
Seeing myself in the mirror that first time...in the bathroom...the day after the baby was born...stitches and staples and saggy skin and all...was pretty much the biggest downer I've ever had in my life. Especially since my husband had to help me in and out of the shower as well as putting on clothes/girdle thingy and all the other attractive stuff that comes with post-surgery-delivery. My trainwreck of a body was enough to put me OUT of the mood for six weeks. :D
BUT, I have to say...my body is bangin' now. ;) haha. Well...I do still have the scar and the stretch marks (tho they are fading)...but, sex has been great post baby. I never really had body issues before baby (I've always been on the heavier side of the curve of "normal" weight for my height), so luckily, after baby...I'm just as confident in the sack as before.
Yes, lighting is key...but also, try a little tenderness! And...lingerie always does the trick. ;)
Thanks for addressing such an important, and I think, underdiscussed topic, ladies!
For me and husband, since our daughter was born, things have been, as Rebecca said, different - sometimes better, sometimes worse, but definately different. We manage the fatigue, the scheduling, the interruptions, and in someways we are so much closer, and the sex is, therefore, that much better. The fact that this man has helped clean my incision post-c-section and still finds me sexually attractive is both astonishing and incredibly sexy, let me tell you.
However, I have to echo the earlier comments re: breastfeeding. To put it bluntly, I'm having trouble reconciling my breasts and my tits. I love breastfeeding, but it makes sex more or less tits-less, so I'm hoping that will change once baby is weaned.
Thanks again, Becca!
ahhh an awesome topic.. Ok, I have two kids, 10 and 7 (both csections) after my first son I lost my sex drive..i mean LOST like to never be found again, and believe me, I looked for it. But I was young, 18 and this should be easy, but sex was hard, it was hard to get in the mood, it was hard not only because we had a new baby, but because we were newly married and we didnt have the us time we should have had before having a kid..I also felt ugly, and fat, going from 115lbs to lets not say, and going from not having boobs to having these HUGE things that my kid was sucking on all day, the LAST thing I wanted is for my husband to be sucking on them as well. Before I was prego, we could have sex 6 times a day and that wasnt even enough..We also went through some rough years, we were young and tied down but we also loved each other deeply. After our second son, i was a nympho..seriously I couldnt get enough and I didnt care where..in the car, on the porch whatever! then eh, I lost it again.. I think what really helped me, was my husband and I got reconnected, WITHOUT the kids.. it seemed everything was about them, and once we finally focused on one another it rocked! We rocked! we still do.. I think the key is to stay connected to each other.
I know this is totally off topic, but I would love to know the details of your makeup (eyes+lip) in this momversation. You look stunning!!
i've never been tremendously sexual, but the body images post pregnancy have definitely made it worse. in fact, just last night i said to my husband "while my boobs have never been what one would call perky, the sagginess i have now is just downright depressing." And while I've worked hard and lost the pregnancy weight (my son is 4 months) and started making a dent in the 50 lbs i needed to lose pre-pregnancy, i can't help but be insecure about the soft flabbiness and stretch marks.
and then there's the pain. while i only had a small tear, and was given the go-ahead at 6 weeks, it HURT! and it still hurts. when we have sex, i can feel *exactly* where the stitches were, and it's not pleasant. so, all of these things have made me feel even less sexual than i did before, which, to be honest, is not something i ever thought possible.
I know I'm late to the party, but I have to weigh in on this topic, because sex is important!
My body definitely feels less sexual now. Right after my son was born, I was so desperate for some "adult normalcy" that we had sex when Westley was about a month old. It hurt me (and he was worried about hurting me) so it wasn't much fun for either of us. But that was more about needing to connect as non-parent adults/partners than libido.
Now, things are rocky. I don't think I look sexy, so I don't feel sexual. It's hard for me to have orgasms because I'm so aware of my body being different than it was, and most of the time I can't make my mind shut up long enough to concentrate on what feels good. I didn't have any stitches after the birth, but I did tear internally a little and one of my inner labia split--and I feel the scar tissue every time. It doesn't stretch like the skin around it, it doesn't react the same way, and enough lubrication in other places is never enough in the scarred areas. Sex TOTALLY feels different. I'm amazed that people say it doesn't. Even oral sex feels different.
I want my "swagger" back, but it's hard. But it's not something I'm willing to give up.
me and my son's father broke up before I could have sex again (thank God cause he's now under investigation for something horrible) But I met up with a high school flame when Jareth was 3 days old "The One That Got Away" he's divorced and had an at the time 3 year old daughter so the sex after pregnancy thing .... not really new news to him he was understanding Gentle Kind (and if you knew Kevin you would know that he acts like a hard ass former Army man with a purple heart so his friends would be shocked to hear he has a soft side) but as much as he wanted to he waited tell I was ready and said ok I'm comfortable with this Idea I've always been a sexual person as far as that I enjoy sex (I'm not a slut I'm 22 and have more fingers then I've had partners i choose wisely .... well try to... Jareth's dad Probability not such a good pick but hey I got my kid)
and Kevin and I were up and kicking like Jack rabbits so long as the baby was asleep which he was also really helpful with me figuring that all out because I was frustrated a few times and he just gently help me through. good man good good man
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