I woke up laughing because the dream was hilarious. The subconscious is a real hoot! But over the last few days, the same anxiety has plagued me. Especially now that I'm really looking pregnant -- double takes in the mirror because pregnancy has finally hit my face. And everywhere else. Which doesn't bother so much (pregnant bodies are beautiful!) as it reminds me that I'm a ticking time bomb and because I'm carrying twins have no idea when I'm going to go off. This is one of the reasons I became obsessed with getting the nursery ready so soon. I even did a load of baby laundry (Fable's newborn clothes) yesterday. I'm only EIGHTEEN WEEKS!
I've recently taken on more work to compensate for the extra expenses, like, say the new car, gear, keeping the babysitter fifteen-hours a week so I can keep working. And of course, because I'm a human, there are all these things I told myself I HAD to have finished and ready before the babies come but as the weeks pass I am slowly coming to recognize that there's just no way. Sunday night, at 12:30am, I literally collapsed at my laptop trying to finish something due Monday and yesterday, when Hal came home from work I fell asleep while "resting for five minutes" and didn't wake up until 7:30 this morning.
And in my head I'm like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Slow the fuck down and take care of yourself!" But there's another voice that's louder and she's like, "You're not doing enough, you slacker. Take on more! Get up earlier! Do you know what you need to accomplish before October? Or September!??? The babies may come early! Are you ready for THAT?"
That voice is usually one of reason but right now I want to shut her up with a good smack to the face. Except she's right, I'm not ready. I have a lot to do. And like most moms in the world, more often than not, I put myself last. Which is just so backwards and lame. Especially right now when putting myself last is putting all THREE of us last. Not cool. Not fabulous.
It's funny because last week I was like, "hell yeah! I'm on it! Look at me go! Energizer pregnant bunny! Except suddenly it's all catching up to me. I'm slowing down physically. The days are feeling longer and taking care of two children plus carrying two more plus daily blog posts, plus other jobs, commitments are exhausting me all of a sudden. Like the other night when it took me days to finish something I can usually whip out in an evening. Frustrating? Very. Understandable. Hell, yeah! But it's hard to slow down when everything feels like its speeding up around you.
Kind of like driving my mom's Previa through quicksand with one baby hanging out of my vag and the other screaming for me, which is how my dream suddenly ended.
But the anxiety is still with me, at war with voice A, who's like, "Namaste. Downward dog, Bec. Downward dog!" And I'm like, "Okay! I know!" because, okay, I know. I know! So this is me slowing down. So the bell peppers (they're bell peppers this week!) can become heirloom tomatoes, cucumbers, and all of the other vegetables in their garden growth chart.
This is their body now. Even if I've spent the last few months begging to differ.