Eighteen Weeks

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A few nights ago I had a dream that I was giving birth in my mother's '90 Previa. I was alone with my mom and OBGYN-Kenobi, in labor like whoa, pushing and breathing and pushing in the passenger seat and then BAM, the first baby came out. But instead of being excited I was like, "No! Shit! I'm not ready! I don't have car seats or a crib! I have a thousand things I still need to do. Here, hold this", passed off my screaming baby, climbed into the driver's seat and drove around town like a crazy person with one twin still in my body screaming, "I'm not going to give birth to the other one until I get my shit together! Where's the nearest Target!!??"

I woke up laughing because the dream was hilarious. The subconscious is a real hoot! But over the last few days, the same anxiety has plagued me. Especially now that I'm really looking pregnant -- double takes in the mirror because pregnancy has finally hit my face. And everywhere else. Which doesn't bother so much (pregnant bodies are beautiful!) as it reminds me that I'm a ticking time bomb and because I'm carrying twins have no idea when I'm going to go off. This is one of the reasons I became obsessed with getting the nursery ready so soon. I even did a load of baby laundry (Fable's newborn clothes) yesterday. I'm only EIGHTEEN WEEKS!
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I've recently taken on more work to compensate for the extra expenses, like, say the new car, gear, keeping the babysitter fifteen-hours a week so I can keep working. And of course, because I'm a human, there are all these things I told myself I HAD to have finished and ready before the babies come but as the weeks pass I am slowly coming to recognize that there's just no way. Sunday night, at 12:30am, I literally collapsed at my laptop trying to finish something due Monday and yesterday, when Hal came home from work I fell asleep while "resting for five minutes" and didn't wake up until 7:30 this morning.

And in my head I'm like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Slow the fuck down and take care of yourself!" But there's another voice that's louder and she's like, "You're not doing enough, you slacker. Take on more! Get up earlier! Do you know what you need to accomplish before October? Or September!??? The babies may come early! Are you ready for THAT?"

That voice is usually one of reason but right now I want to shut her up with a good smack to the face. Except she's right, I'm not ready. I have a lot to do. And like most moms in the world, more often than not, I put myself last. Which is just so backwards and lame. Especially right now when putting myself last is putting all THREE of us last. Not cool. Not fabulous.

It's funny because last week I was like, "hell yeah! I'm on it! Look at me go! Energizer pregnant bunny! Except suddenly it's all catching up to me. I'm slowing down physically. The days are feeling longer and taking care of two children plus carrying two more plus daily blog posts, plus other jobs, commitments are exhausting me all of a sudden. Like the other night when it took me days to finish something I can usually whip out in an evening. Frustrating? Very. Understandable. Hell, yeah! But it's hard to slow down when everything feels like its speeding up around you.

Kind of like driving my mom's Previa through quicksand with one baby hanging out of my vag and the other screaming for me, which is how my dream suddenly ended.

But the anxiety is still with me, at war with voice A, who's like, "Namaste. Downward dog, Bec. Downward dog!" And I'm like, "Okay! I know!" because, okay, I know. I know! So this is me slowing down. So the bell peppers (they're bell peppers this week!) can become heirloom tomatoes, cucumbers, and all of the other vegetables in their garden growth chart.

This is their body now. Even if I've spent the last few months begging to differ.
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I succumb to thee o' pair of body snatchers! Now, if you could, please be kind to my chins, which seem to be multiplying by the hour.

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GGC

41 comments:

Lady Estrogen | 9:29 AM

Those pants have any more give? You'll NEEED it.
I remember sitting, watching TV and hearing my skin tear.
Oh, sorry.. you probably don't want to hear that. LOL

Baby in Broad | 9:32 AM

Tell that loud, nagging voice to fuck right off. She's not the voice of reason at all. You're doing great.

sarah doow | 9:43 AM

I kinda love it when dreams are so straightforward and just invade your head with "Hi! Here's what I'm thinking about right now". One time when I was dealing with a bit of teenage heartbreak I dreamed that I was constantly running from one scene to another, but it was pretty much downhill all the way.

But never mind that, you have the prettiest bump in the land in which to house those bell peppers.

Rachel | 9:47 AM

Pregnancy face=YES. I often spoke of my "pregnancy nose." So much so that one of our writers (I work for a pregnancy magazine) asked what the technical term for it was when she was writing a piece.

Also, "This is their body now." I love that.

Rock on, Rebecca.

Jenny | 9:47 AM

I could have written this post, but you (like always) have done so in a much more eloquent way. I'm 31 weeks with our first child and had the same dreams of the baby coming early and having to run to Target. I am so excited to meet this baby, but feel so unprepared at times and lack energy to do most of it. I struggle with working full-time and still exercising, eating well, and sleeping as much as I need. My inner overachiever, perfectionist is at battle with the giddy, pregnant mama who wants to relax and cherish every moment of this ride.

I had a moment of clarity a few weeks ago, in a tear-filled argument with my husband about needing help with my ever-growing to-do list. It became clear that my anxiety is about feeling inadequate about what needs to be done. The list never goes away...I always add more things to it. But in reality, I find greater joy in spending time with my amazing, growing family. I don't ever want to be too busy for my husband, my dog, or our future children. Thus, I need to relax on worrying so much about work and household chores. My kids won't care if there is dust on the tv, just that we're watching it together.

I'm due in 9 weeks. We have a crib, car seat, diapers, a few clothes and a lot of love to give. The rest is just details, right?

Abbe | 9:52 AM

So I am probably just a few days ahead of you with my one bell pepper. It's my first (hooray)! But when I read that you were already working on your nursery, I got nervous that I was way, way far behind. We haven't even decided if we're going to move or not before he comes. Yikes. I know time is crunched, but I did just try a prenatal yoga class and found it very relaxing. Maybe that would help you slow down a little. Just breathe.

Dianne | 10:08 AM

Wow. Well, at lest when you get bombarded with people asking if you having twins, you can say yes. Because that sure was fun being asked that when I was pregnant with one. It is so wild to me, I was where you are right now when I found out I was pregnant. Ha!

Dana | 10:12 AM

I get it. I get it. I get it.
I was convinced my twins would come early - like premature early. They did not and I was induced at 38 weeks when I was as big as a rowboat and the babies had reached watermelon status on your vegetable growth chart.
Take care of yourself!

Claire | 10:13 AM

You know it - the only thing you HAVE to do is get those babies here safely. Otherwise everything else is futile.

xoxo

Amelia | 10:19 AM

I cracked up reading that dream...the most literal baby anxiety dream that I had involved me walking with my hand between my legs holding the baby's head in while I walked uphill so fast that my mom wasn't able to keep up all the while yelling over my shoulder, "holy shit! This baby doesn't have any socks yet! We've got to get to the store RIGHT NOW". I told my mom that morning about the dream, and when I got in my car that afternoon to leave my office there was a lifetime supply of infant socks from my mom on the front seat and note that said, "ready now?". Moms are awesome.

At least you're not having dreams about not loving them enough, you know? You'll be ready. Remember that our kids need to see us taking care of ourselves so that they model that behavior as the grow too. Maybe over the next couple of months you can ask yourself, 'would I want (very distant future) pregnant Fable to do what I'm about to do right now?' If it's not good enough for that one day woman, it's not god enough for you, sister. :)

And PS, you're looking totally sassy.

Martini Mom | 10:23 AM

You're doing awesome. And if the babies do come before you're ready, everything will be fine. Turns out, all babies *really* need is diapers and food. (This bit of wisdom brought to you by my neighbor, who had her daughter a month before she was due and was not ready at all.) When my 2nd son was born, his nursery was still a construction zone (it required a bit of remodeling in order to make it baby-friendly) and my delayed kitchen remodel left me without running water and a house that was covered in dust and debris. I ended up spending the first two weeks at my mom's house. Was it ideal? Certainly not. But it all turned out just fine. (Of course, I didn't have twins...)

Downward dog, indeed. You got this!

freckletree. | 10:33 AM

Oh Rebecca, you look so great. I'm a mother of 2yo id girl twins. You've got plenty of time for worrying and running and buying shit. Sit down if you feel like it because honestly, you are about to go through a very difficult time that will teach you that YOU, my dear friend, are even more of a rock-star than you knew. And you'll be fine. But until those tyrants come you need to SIT down. For real. Stock up on your ass-time.

emily bilbrey | 10:45 AM

absolutely hysterical!!! you look beautiful, my dear. and you're ROCKING this! you are amazing! keep on keepin' on!!! <3

wonderchris | 11:03 AM

Those are the cutest bell peppers I've ever seen!!

Glenda | 11:04 AM

You look amazing. Yes, please slow down. Take care of YOU first and the bell peppers. That dream... hilarious!!! I love that the bell peppers will get to wear Fable's clothes. How cute is that?! Love it! I think if you have the nursery ready and all the lil extra's done by the end of August, in case the babies come early you will good to go! So give yourself the 3 month window to get it all done and accomplished and in between all that Slow down! You deserve the rest!!!

Molly | 11:11 AM

Everything is going to be *fine*. The number one thing you need to do is take care of yourself. If you're up to the challenge, then all those material things will work themselves out. Twins sound like an understandably anxiety-inducing prospect--which I think calls for pre-natal yoga, or massage, or a long hot bath!

Desiree Fawn | 11:11 AM

You are such a gorgeous preggers <3 Just in case you weren't sure. And omg, when those babies fly out I want to hold all four of your kiddos at once and snuggle them.
(I'm not a creeper, I swear it, haha.)

Erin | 11:35 AM

My Gracie was premature and I PANICKED the day the doctor told me she had to come out TODAY! I'm not ready!!! Nothing was going according to my plan.

And none of those things mattered the moment I saw her little scrunched up face.

And none of those things are going to matter for you either.

So just breathe, just breathe.

Chelsea | 11:50 AM

love YOUR PRECIOUS BUMP!

Mary Ruth | 12:01 PM

It doesn't matter if they're two weeks early or two weeks late, you'll never be fully ready - no point in sweating it!


You look great, by the way - pregnancy definitely suits you!

mommica | 12:03 PM

It's so hard to stop! I'm at 38 weeks with baby number two right now and, although my hips hurt so bad I can barely walk, I managed to do all the baby laundry, including cleaning the carseat/bouncy chair/swing covers, pack my hospital bag, clean the kitchen cabinets, clean the refrigerator, work on the nursery, do the dishes several times, and bake cookies this weekend. DO. NOT. RECOMMEND.

makyo | 12:30 PM

My babe was six weeks early, via emergency c three days before Christmas. The nursery wasn't even close to being ready, I didn't have a crib mattress, and I hadn't finished my holiday shopping! We spent Christmas day in the hospital, and the next two weeks were a scramble to get things ready for when she was released from the NICU. It was scary and exciting and stressful and fun and totally, totally worth it. You are awesome and you WILL make it work :)

jamie | 12:34 PM

You are hilarious.

S | 12:52 PM

Somewhere, there's a balance to be met. I don't have a darn clue what that balance is (I'm 5 weeks away from my due date with my 2-year-old daughter's room still a nightmare, which means we can't move the baby into the nursery until it's ready). But you seem closer to achieving this balance than I could ever hope for. You're an inspiration to pregnant ladies everywhere, trust me.

K├Ąthe | 12:53 PM

I'm left feeling like I want to HELP in some way, like, do you need help, here! let me help, oh, how can I help!

I probably can't help. But, you know, in the off chance... I'm here!

Deidre | 2:29 PM

I was born in the back of a subaru.

I think you're pretty amazing. And hearing all that you're taking on makes me want to take a nap - and I'm not even pregnant.

Kailee | 2:40 PM

You look fantastic! For reals. Those bell peppers are lucky little darlings to have such an amazing mother and, yes, despite those anxiety-filled moments you ARE doing an amazing job.

Today, at my 35 week appointment my doctor told me I was half a centimeter dilated AND she could FEEL my son's head.

This made me think that I need hats for the baby. And I went straight on to Etsy to track down some newborn beanies, which of course sent me down the rabbit hole of other assorted adorableness that I convinced myself I NEEEEEEED. Thankfully my husband is there to talk me down from the Etsy ledge and stay on task!

Jaci | 3:29 PM

As a twin mom (#3 & #4), I know it's such a tough balance but keep reminding yourself that your most important job is staying healthy & rested and carrying these twins as long as possible.

But again, I understand it's a balance - it's also smart to get some things done now that you might have saved for the last trimester (in a single pregnancy!) b/c in the last few months you will be in NO condition to be dealing with much of anything. Sorry, I know that is scary to think of but hey, I'm being honest...last trimester = dark times, but oh so worth it in the end!

jessica | 6:26 PM

was watching oprah yesterday and it was about how you never know who's watching her show and what lessons they'll learn and there was one about a lady who left her daughter in the car because she was so busy she forgot her and she died. the lesson was to "slow down". i know we all say ummm, i'd never forget my kid in the car but that was the lady's point- SHE would never forget either, i mean, who does that?? so she wants everyone to slow down because hey, you never know. so listen to that voice and slow the fuck down and don't leave your kids (or give birth to them) in the car.

Jessica | 9:03 PM

I am 16 weeks right now and I'm going through the same thing! I own a small business, so I'm working 24/7 and now that I'm in the second trimester I'm super energized again (comparatively speaking), so I've pushed myself too. And then there are days like this where it's only 9pm and I'm going the fuck to bed because I can't move any more. I'll lay off myself if you do! :)

Sarah | 9:04 PM

You look so 70s and beautiful in those pictures!

Anonymous | 1:24 AM

I must say I can totally relate. Really. When pregnant with twins I eventually had to write myself notes and post them near my computer or elsewhere that said "when I'm hungry my babies are hungry" or "when I'm tired, my babies need me to rest". It's the only way I could remind myself to put myself first, while trying to work from home and pushing myself hard to get things in order before they arrived. (I ended up with a shortened cervix and on bedrest at 27 weeks, but was not good about that either... cheated a bit, and babies still stayed to 37 weeks luckily, no problems). Try try to prioritize and only allow yourself to "do" for so many hours per day. The rest is beyond your control. You are already doing so much as a mama, so that work needs to be included too. A twin pregnancy will drain your body so much more than a singleton, so be kind to yourself and keep telling yourself that these babies come before ANY "to do" you feel is necessary. (I'm a bad example, as I still wanted to go go go, like you do). I found having a bed in the nursery helped a lot, as I would go there to be still and it kept me very focused on them, and what I needed to do (rest). Also, remember, when they arrive you will not have the luxury to choose to take it easy on yourself or pick and choose what activities should get done. You will be swamped and in the thick of things for months and months... so please try to pamper yourself now, while you can. Fill up your tank b/c you are going to feel quite depleted and you need a lot of reserves available. You may be only 18 weeks but it goes by so quickly! Rest while you can. Everything else can wait. (Except for a bit of organizing, imo, as that keeps one sane when the craziness of newborns takes over your life).
Be good to yourself. You are growing two humans inside of you (and mothering two others on the outside). Your body, mind, and soul need to be put first -- even if you do it in baby steps.

Missy D. | 5:04 AM

I think you look stunningly beautiful.. your belly is so round and perfect!! I read a blog called Pistols and Popcorn (not sure if you do too????) anyways, the mommy blogger has a set of twin boys that are too cute for words... her post from yesterday was called "EXPECTING TWINS? SEVEN OR EIGHT THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW" I thought it was just so appropriate to send the link to you so you can check it out... hope it's helpful! SEE!!! You are not alone... and YOU CAN DO IT!!!

The link is here: http://wp.pistolsandpopcorn.com/?p=2059

Mammy P | 5:20 AM

@freckletree -- I love it "stock up on your ass time"!!

I'm behind all the other ladies... aaaaaaaaaan relax.

ps - you look MAHVELLOUS.

Jill | 7:30 AM

I don't know how you handle it all?! I have one, just one, 2 year old and I feel like my ass is whooped everyday. Also, hated hated hated my pregnancy face which crept down to pregnancy neck. Double chins are not hot.

MichelleS | 8:04 AM

Giraffe knob on sale @ anthropologie! there are aother animal ones, too...
hope it helps....
hang in there!

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=073759&catId=SHOPSALE-FRESHCUTS&pushId=SHOPSALE-FRESHCUTS&popId=SHOPSALE&navAction=jump&navCount=6&sortProperties=price&color=028&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&templateType=E

flyrish | 9:10 AM

That dream is pretty hilarious, but definitely sounds familiar. I've hardly done a thing to prepare for this babe in my belly, so this weekend I'm making myself clear out her room.

You're still gorgeous as ever!

robin | 10:24 AM

You still look beautiful, I don't see extra chins! I could only dream of looking that good in pregnancy-or after! During my last pregnancy I got weird breakout/red splotchiness on (mainly) my left cheek area. The boy is 3 months old now and IT'S STILL THERE! Possibly worse.
But don't you worry. You look great and you totally ARE doing enough!

Anonymous | 3:47 PM

You look super cute! You do. Hear me from NYC telling me you look amazing and your hair is SUPER long and don't cut it!

Elliesee | 6:52 PM

You look beautiful! I am now getting a Mormon feel from your blog :-) the beautiful nursery, the overachievement, but the nesting instinct does powerful things. After Fable I am sure you have plenty of stuff for two girls! I might be jealous of the nursery as I was a "the babies will sleep in my room" type and we just skipped the nursery period.

Kate | 9:32 AM

I'm loving going through your old weekly posts as I approach them. 18 weeks today and my body is too, exploding (http://www.flickr.com/photos/imagespetites/6449370559/). My anxiety about not being ready goes hand in hand with these two little burritos coming into the world too early. I have ultrasounds every two weeks to give the ole' cervix a good once over (or 10x over, as they seem to measure it 1000 times each week). We're finding out the sexes next week Thursday and telling family on Christmas. Some days are "yes! we get to have two babies! This is going to be awesome, and everyone who does it any other way is a SUCKER!" and then the next is "FUCK ME! TWO BABIES AT ONCE? How does this work? No way am I ready for this responsibility. I'm going to be a goddamn mom to TWO humans? oh, and there are humans inside me? STFU!!!" Sigh. Anyway, I'm so glad i have your blog as a resource!