Me in the mirror (days before I found out I was pregnant) September, 2004
The truth was, shallow as it sounds, I missed the party. But parties (as one so quickly learns) never miss you back.
Excerpted below is a post I wrote five years ago when Archer was one-year-old. I was at the time struggling to define who I was as a mother but also as a wife and woman, a Girl Gone Child but also a Child Gone Parent and the following became a sort of mantra for me, a rally of sorts, a "you can do this! you go girl, snap snap!"
Girl's Gone Child is supposed to be the new and improved titty-flashing all nighter, because there is nothing wrong with yesterday. There is nothing wrong with my "before child" blog and my past. There's nothing wrong with the original titty-flashing all nighter or whatever I was doing when I knew people were looking, even though I pretended I did not... There is nothing wrong with who I was. Then plus now equals tomorrow. I have no regrets...
I am not (nor will I ever be) defined by motherhood, but I will wholeheartedly admit that motherhood has inspired and enabled me to define myself.
I would have grown up eventually. I would have been fine, more than fine even. I would have found happiness and love and dot dot dot, but that's not what happened. This is what happened. I got pregnant. I had a baby. I became myself, and THAT is what this blog is all about.
A lot has changed in five years. So much so that I find it slightly terrifying to momentarily revisit the archives, the posts and the pictures and the "remember whens" and yet at its core, this blog is still about the same struggles and joys: the new transitions, firsts and lasts and how every week becomes a milestone, in a pregnancy, childhood, marriage...
Parenthood has become something to fear - like age itself - the responsibility of taking lives into our own hands and raising them. How quickly we forget that we've come this far taking care of ourselves, that sometimes it takes having a child to grow out of being one.
And sure, the view has changed, your reflection no longer defined by what you see in the mirror but instead by what you watch through the windows: a different scene, an even better "party"...
Us in the window (days before I found out I pregnant) February, 2011
...Because this party? This one loves you back.