Thirty-One Weeks

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Good Monday to you, friends. Today marks my thirty-first week of pregnancy and I'm feeling a little like I might fall over with every step. How women are built to accommodate this kind of insanity is miraculous. And what about those who carry three, four, five or more around in their bodies? A woman's equilibrium is a genius accessory and every week of growth I am more and more in awe of my ability to stand up, sit down, fight fight fight.
I decided, since it's been five weeks since last rocking a unitard, I'd try the sucker on for size (one more time?) hence the above. And below. And whoa. And yes, I took it off promptly after trying it on because the stretching was such that you could see right through it, which is not my favorite look. And also because the crotch split open. Hello. One of the perks of being this huge is that I don't even have to wear a bra anymore. My uterus has expanded in such a way that it now acts as an underwire bra with built in push-up!
seventeen weeks
@ seventeen weeks
nineteen-weeks pregnant
@ 19 weeks
Several of you asked in the comments of my last post, what the hell is up with the floors being so clean? and the answer is: I'M PREGNANT! I am the nestiest nester anyway but when I'm weeks away from giving birth? You'll be damn right shit's gonna be in order! Unfortunately I'm unable to bend at the waist so I've literally been scooting around on my ass picking up after everyone. Which is what I spend my evenings doing (while watching Househunters International, obviously).

It feels strange getting to thirty-one weeks, even though statistically, according to everywhere, the average twin birth happens around 37 weeks. Still, when you listen to doctors tell you "our goal is for you to make it to thirty weeks!" and you do it feels... now what-ish... Especially when you've been experiencing a pretty non-eventful pregnancy thus far.

I feel in a way like this is a bonus round when in reality, the majority of women deliver twins pretty close to term. I didn't know this until recently. I almost ASSUMED I'd be on bed rest by now, or worse... That's the thing about the Internet. It tells you everything you don't want to hear.

Babies were almost four pounds (each) last week, and apparently, thanks to an abundance of fluid, there is still plenty of room for them to grow (and even turn). If by thirty-five weeks Baby A is still breach (both babes are still breach) I'll have to schedule a C-section. Regardless, I'll be delivering in the OR because even if I am able to deliver vaginally, I'll still have to be prepped for surgery just in case of fetal emergency with "B" after "A" arrives. I'm also told I'll have a thousand people in the room with me, which is a very new experience. When I I gave birth to Archer, Hal practically delivered him for me because my EX-OB was "busy" doing a scheduled C and the nurses didn't believe me when we said "HE'S COMING OUT NOW!" (I got a new doctor AND a new hospital after that.) Anyway. I'm preparing myself for a very different experience than the one where I labored quietly with Hal as he cracked jokes about needing Veneers. (At the time he was working on a makeover show and watched hours and HOURS and HOURS of footage each week of women getting veneers.) My husband should win an award for worst labor coach of all time but in a weird way, that's kind of why I love him.

Anyway, while I have your attention, here are three more things to bore you with:

1. Fable started going pee on the potty, which means, she is officially rocking the Dora undies and we could not be more proud of her potty-awesomeness.
2. Hal and I went and saw a movie together, (Crazy Stupid Love is crazy awesome and we loved it) something we won't be able to do pretty soon. (Hal actually joined the Producers Guild just for the perk of getting screeners so we could still "go to the movies" in our living room since we'll never be able to afford to hire a babysitter again.)
3. I decided I can't be bothered with cooking so much as an egg and have us living on takeout, which has never happened before (We are not typically takeout people at all because it's a total waste of money) but I have to admit, it's been fun. And while we're on the subject of food, Hal spent $50 on TWO watermelons last week because the ONLY delicious watermelons we can find (right now) are at Whole Paycheck Foods for $1.89 a pound, which adds up quickly when you're buying 18 pound watermelons and going through one every three days. If we had a mortgage, we'd be taking out a second one just to afford all this fucking watermelon I insist on eating in bulk to keep from dying.
you are what you eat?
I did have ONE bad night of reflux-terrible last week which woke me in the wee hours of the night and sent me running toward the kitchen so that I could plant my entire face in a watermelon. An hour later, I was cured.

Archer had his first drum lesson (go Archer!) this week during which Fable asked if she could start taking guitar lessons. (Girl digs her some guitar.)
She's too young, obviously, but Hal and I had to laugh because our joke about having enough kids to start a family garage band might just be the case. It's just a question of what instruments R&B will want to play.

In the meantime, Fable is now the proud owner of BIG GIRL UNDERWEAR, which she has been wearing on her head since Saturday because she claims she is a "poo poo head". (Everyone is a poo-poo head according to Fable.)
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Later that afternoon, she came up with one of the more genius explanations of life, death and farts when rushing to the potty to poop only to excrete a false alarm (ed: a fart). She explained to Archer and me that her poop had died. And THAT'S what a fart is: a dead poop.

"Poor poop," she said.

RIP poop.

Where Archer is the philosopher among us, Fable is the comedienne. She's by the far the funniest person I know and she's not even three yet.
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Time will tell what the babies will dazzle and delight us with, whether it be poop jokes or poetry, dance moves or Rocket Science, botany or freestyle canoe. Can't wait to meet them and find out.
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"I love you baby poo-poo heads!"
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P.S. This. Kills. Me. And this. I mean... seriously? Seriously.



Arnebya | 7:26 AM

Potty before babies is awesome! While you won't be able to say "I only have one in diapers", it's the same in theory, right? I read about the poop that died on Twitter and have been giggling ever since.

Jen | 7:36 AM

I read the fart as dead poop tweet out loud to my husband and four year old son, and my husband almost drove off the road laughing while our son totally got it. Although he doesn't call em farts-they're butt noises. Love it:).

Grumble Girl | 8:03 AM

I'm dying. Your little poo-poo head and guitar lessons, and drum lessons, and crazy-expensive watermelons, and your ginormous self in a now crotch-free unitard looking gorgeous as ever... excellent, my little buttercup. (Heh.)

So excited!!!

Anonymous | 8:11 AM

So much fun seeing your photos! Please tell Fable congrats on being out of diapers. And that she made me laugh. Thank you, JenW

Nakia | 8:13 AM

Just look at the now crotchless unitard as being a convenience. Lol. I just about died when I read about the dead poop. I must say that for being 31 weeks pregnant with twins, your legs are enviously tiny. I'm only 11 weeks now and look more pregnant than any woman at my stage has a right to. I'm almost hoping the dr hears two heartbeats at my next appointment to help explain the fact that I'm already part of the "rubber banding my jeans" club.

Mammy P | 8:18 AM

How are you 31 weeks already?

*head explodes*

There's nothing quite like that sensation of feeling like you've been pregnant for a hundred years and five minutes simultaneously.

You're adorable - at 31 weeks in both cases my belly looked like a heap of blancmange after Zorro had been around.

maribel | 8:18 AM

how far away are you from ventura county? there's these big 99cent stores that have these cabbage sized watermelons for a buck each. you could stock up if u take the drive..i just bought 5 of them..5 bucks!!! you can find them at the camarillo location.

Abi | 8:20 AM

I have been laughing about the dead poop thing ever since I saw it on Twitter.

Any advise on potty training? I'm trying to get my 2nd kid (a boy) potty trained before #3 arrives approx Sept 21st. He's having none of it. *sob*

You look awesome BTW!

tove | 8:25 AM

I get giddy every week when you post! You're so beautiful in all your pregnant awesomeness! xoxo

kittenpie | 8:26 AM

How do you manage to keep getting cuter every week?! Seriously, you rock this preggy business, Bec. Can't wait to meet the new behbehs.


Congratulations to the able-pottied! Fable is looking like such a young lady these days! I just love her sweet pixie features and sense of humor. I don't even know her, and Fable makes my day.

Also, how gorgeous is your belly! I can't believe you're at 31 weeks already. It really seems like you were just announcing your pregnancy.

~ Noelle

Kim | 8:44 AM

So very glad you are doing so well. You look beautiful. I was just wondering if you are requiring a lot more rest these days? Or are you still able to maintain a close to usual very pregnant pace? In other words, has the twin pregnancy slowed you down a lot more than a singleton pregnancy? You seem to be handling it so well.

FM | 9:10 AM

Haha, I love the first picture! You still look hot! When I was thirty-one weeks pregnant with one, I looked like I looked gi-normous, sad and hungry. Pregnancy is not nearly as attractive on me. You are almost there!!!

Stephanie Wilson she/her @babysteph | 9:23 AM

Wow wow wow. You look incredible. I am so excited for you!

Also, I REALLY want to see that movie. Going to try to catch it this week with a friend.


Unknown | 9:41 AM

We saw Crazy Stupid Love this weekend, too! So good and one of my best friends from college was the assistant editor, so I felt very proud of her. Probably our last movie date for a while since baby is coming to a theater near me very soon.

Also, please post more about Fable's potty training! We're trying with our guy since his preschool asks that he's at least marginally trained. Of course he's not very interested. Ugh.

Enough blabbing about me -- you look fabulous and I adore your whole fam!


Thanks, all!

Re: potty-training Fable. We let her come to it on her own... I wrote a post (almost a year ago) about trying to get her interested in potty-training but she had NO interest until recently. Archer was the same way. In my experience, you can't push potty any more than you can push anything... you just make the toilet seem like a party (we got a cool Dora toilet seat) and ask your kid to join you every time YOU use the toilet (sorry, TMI) and eventually, they want to "try" too... We also do naked time in the summer so that helps! One is very aware of their bodily functions when they're peeing on themselves in the grass.

For Fable, one day she just said "I have to poop on the the potty now" and has pooped on the potty ever since. Archer was the same way. One day, he just turned. And of course, when they do you make it into the BIGGEST DEAL EVER and throw a cupcake party and then they're like, "whoa! this is great!"

Anyway, total ramblefest but that's what works for us: keep it friendly, give them some pantless time if you can, talk about bodily functions as a family, make it "cool". Most important thing, I think, is not to pressure them. Good luck!

Anonymous | 9:57 AM

It's always weird commenting somewhere for the first time when you've been reading for a while... Here goes... You're looking F.A.B., I love your photos, your kids are adorable and your writing is great! Oh, and did I mention your sublime mixtape? Gushing over, I swear! ;-)Now, keep on truckin' those babies to the finish line!

Glenda | 10:13 AM

You look amazing and so glad you've made past your goal. R&B continue to grow and I'm sure this experience will be out of this world.

Fable knows she's not going to be the baby much longer so she's stepping up sooner than later. So proud! Congrats Fable!!! way to go!!!

Archer will be the best big brother!!!

Marty J. Christopher | 10:34 AM

That one picture where you're making the crazy, slightly evil face cracks me up. Crotchless unitard = not a bad thing? Kind of works, right?

Anonymous | 10:44 AM

I have absolutely LOVED reading your weekly updates. I have boy/girl twins who will turn 12 next month, and this brings back so many wonderful memories of my own pregnancy. It's amazing that you've made it to 31 weeks with nothing more than reflux to get you down! My doctor took me out of work at 27 weeks just so I could take it easy and get more rest toward the end of my pregnancy, and wouldn't you know it on my last day of work I went into pre-term labor that had me in and out of the hospital (contracting all the while!) for eight weeks. Ugh. Bedrest had me in tears every single day as I couldn't decorate the nursery, shop for baby things, and do all those end-of-pregnancy nesting things I so wanted to do. So I've been living vicariously through your posts, and enjoying watching you relish in the wonder of a twin pregnancy.

I truly hope the remainder of your pregnancy goes just as smoothly and that you can keep cooking those little ones in there as long as possible. It gets damn uncomfortable the bigger you get, but having had one baby at home and another in the NICU, I can tell you that being uncomfortable is a teeny tiny sacrifice if it will help you avoid even a minute in the NICU!

Godspeed to you and your family!


Amber | 10:48 AM

My first thought? You look freakin' FAB! Rock it!

My second thought? $50 for watermelon?!?!?! Heart attack! The neighbor kid around the corner from me was selling them for $5 per whole watermelon. One of the "perks" of living in The South I guess? But $50?! O. M. G!!!

Anyway, I'm glad you found something that will keep the heartburn/reflux at bay! I ate so many Tums during my first pregnancy that they make me gag now. Watermelon would have been SOOO much better!

Dana | 10:48 AM

I delivered my twins at 38 weeks -- in the O.R. There were like 5,000 people in the room because I got there at shift change so both teams were on hand. My A was head down so they let me deliver vaginally. B was breech but she flipped as soon as her brother got out of the way. She came out 12 minutes after him. After the initial holy hell of the crowd and the room, I was able to completely tune out the circus and literally only heard my doctor, the nurse and my husband. I closed my eyes and just went into a deep, quiet place inside.
Related to Fable - my Baby B grew up to be a joker whose favorite song for a while was one she made up after potty training: "Underpants Wearing on the Head!" She would march throughout the house with underpants atop her head chanting the song. Apparently, she and Fable are cut from the same cloth.
And as always, you rock the pregnant look!

Anemily | 10:49 AM

Fable's got some good material coming her way-what with the sheer magnitude of baby poop in her near future! You look great!

laura @ hollywood housewife | 12:15 PM

I joined the Producers Guild for the exact same reason.

Totally worth it. :)

erika | 12:24 PM

I'm right behind you! 27 weeks pregnant with twin girls too. I love Mondays, now, thanks very much (and not just because I can download the next True Blood and eat giant bowls of $50 grapes, though that is part of it). Your blog has been super sane-making for me. I've been reading way too many books about twins, so it's super refreshing to hear about your experience. If I read any more advice like "get a wash-and-go haircut and some comfortable footwear", I may become homicidal. Thank you!!

Roxanna (Miguelina) | 12:41 PM


I just wanted to let you know that these updates make me very happy. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Tracey | 12:47 PM

You look insanely beautiful. I miss my bump. Not when i had it but now. And that was my last. You keep rocking it . x

evejolie | 12:52 PM

Hi there,
Just thought I'd comment because a few (almost four!) weeks ago I had twin girls, and I made it 39 weeks! Even though after reading stuff on the internet, I'd convinced myself I'd never make it past 35. So anyway, wanted to tell you that my girls are super healthy and the labor was not bad at all! I hope yours will be the same! Even though I too had to deliver in the OR with a bajillion people around and it was really weird. They also had to use a vacuum to help get the girls out which is an experience that can't really be described...
Also wanted to say that you look awesome and I love reading your blog. I had read your book long ago when I had my first daughter (she's now three) and then I rediscovered and re-read it at the beginning of this pregnancy. I had no idea you had had another child since then, and no idea you were pregnant, let alone with twins! Anyhoo, then a friend told me about your blog and it's been awesome reading about your pregnancy, because I don't know anyone else going through this same twin stuff. So congrats to you and hang in there. Know that it feels really great after the babies are born, if for no other reason than you can bend down again! And see areas of your body again that you thought you never would! ;)

Robyn | 1:05 PM

Just wanted to say that you look absolutely fantastic. Hope the rest of your pregnancy is as uneventful as it has been so far!

Carra Nicholes | 2:06 PM

You are absolutely gorgeous!! You look fantastic even if your unitard is see through :)

I had a baby six weeks ago and I'm so envious of your pregnancy. As much as I love being a mama,isomers so miss being pregnant. Please take a breath and enjoy these last few crazy weeks. I wish someone had told me to relish in those last few weeks. I'm already counting the days until I can get pregnant again...if only caring for a baby were as easy as being pregnant.

I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is as smooth and amazing as these 31 weeks seem to have been.

Tanya | 2:16 PM

I love you! Probably doesn't help AT ALL but still. You are this amazing woman, wife and mother and you look AMAZING BEYOND WORDS!

Archer and Fable are so similar in age and thus stages to my Romeo and Persia that I feel everything you say with heart and jest!

You look beautiful.

Keep on keeping those little girls wrapped up snuggly, put your feet up (while scooting around on your bottom cleaning/nesting), with a watermelon, and enjoy life in the second (you seem to good at doing that).

Tell Fable she is a superstar for even taking the 'dead poop' to the thoughtful lol!!

p.s. if I lived close by I'd drive all over town for watermelon for you because having what you need when other things can't be controlled makes a huge difference. Hal is a star for the watermelon! A star hubby!


Lindsay Schultz | 2:37 PM

Your family is awesome. I can't wait to see what's in store for you.

Whitney | 2:52 PM

I delivered my now 2 week old twin boys at 36 weeks and 4 days by c-section because one was breech and one was transverse. There were a ton of people in the OR with us! Not exactly a very personal birthing experience, but still amazing and so very special, when you hear their cries for the first time and see their adorable faces you forget about all the extra people.

You look amazing for being 31 weeks!! I have no naked belly pictures and probably won't ever have any again. My belly looks like a road map covered in ugly red roads, not something that should be seen by anyone else! You look beautiful! Not much longer! Thank you for sharing your pregnancy journey with us, I look forward to it every week.

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EG | 4:30 PM

Dude, did you accidentally swallow the watermelon whole? Is that what's going on there?

Allison the Meep | 6:54 PM

I realize that I say this pretty much every time I comment and it's the Dept. of Redundancy Dept. at this point, but you look freaking amazing. For realsies.

And I laughed so hard at all of the Fable/poo stuff because deep down (not even that deep down, actually. My immaturity is pretty surface) I am an 11 year old boy and will never tire of a good poo anecdote.

I can't wait to (interwebs) meet your Lovely Lady Lumps when they arrive!

Alex | 8:10 PM

I'm so glad you've made it so far! Many wishes & hopes & prayers coming your way that the rest of the twins gestation is smooth sailing :-)

Tricia | 8:35 PM

Hooray for Fable. it is wonderful that she acquired this skill before the twins come along. my daughter was barely 2 when my twins were born and i could not find the time or energy to potty train her until she was almost 4. felt like a bad mommy but it is what it is. she is now 9 and seems not to have been traumatized by this. my dear boys turn 7 on 8/23. may the unitard rip

Vanessa | 8:40 PM

I love Mondays because I look forward to seeing how much you (and your baby girls) have grown. I LOVE your belly. It almost doesn't look real, in that awesome way only pregnant bodies can (not look real). The big belly was always my favorite part of my pregnancies. Rock on pregnant woman, rock on.

Anonymous | 9:12 PM

Can you please measure your belly circumference?

My friend went 42 weeks before delivering her twins (first one vaginally, second cesarean)and she claimed her circumference was larger than her height!!!

gemini-girl | 1:46 AM

I gave birth to my girls at 31 weeks- I cant imagine getting any bigger than what I was- so good luck to you!!!


Anonymous | 6:22 AM

Rebecca you are HYSTERICAL.
I love your blog, particularly your Monday posts.
You look amazing, too.

Alexandra | 6:53 AM

I LOVE pregnant women.

You are beautiful.

Anonymous | 10:05 AM

My mom went FORTY full weeks with my twin sister and me! She was induced 40 weeks on the dot because nobody, especially my mom, thought leaving 13 lbs of combined babies in any longer was a good idea. Congrats on 31 weeks!

Anonymous | 1:24 PM

Love that you are a nester! When I was 38 weeks, I climbed up on the back of my couch to clean the window blinds. For some reason, I NEEDED to get rid of every speck of dust. EVERY SINGLE ONE. My husband was really freaked out.

Heidi | 10:56 PM

I know someone else commented this, but I also just saw a whole bunch of watermelons at the 99 Cents Only Store. I live in San Diego...maybe your mom could get them for you on her way up to see you?.

Meg @sleepynewmommy | 9:27 AM

The 3rd picture from the bottom -- the side view of Fable kissing your belly -- is the most precious thing I have seen in a long time. Your family is so beautiful and your words match them. Congrats on making it this far with those girls inside and I hope you find cheaper watermelons soon!

Anonymous | 2:08 PM

I am so, so, so excited to meet these babies!

Kendra in Dayton | 9:53 AM

dead poop. Now that's funny. Will share with my boys as poop and all things gutteral are big funny nowadays.

pennylark | 7:46 PM

So cute. I've been wanting to see "Crazy, Stupid, Love"! Is it weird for me to offer to babysit Archer, Fable, R&B in the future, say if i ever get my butt to LA? For free? Kidding.. kind of! But I would love to meet them.

Stacey | 12:40 PM

How is it you have no stretch marks whatsoever !? Oh the memories this brings back! My twins are 8 and entering the 3rd grade in 10 days. Time really does fly! I wish you all the best.

Kate | 6:53 PM

Oh god... the poop... is dead! Amazing.

I know you are (or were) probably sick of everyone commenting on you not having stretch marks, but seriously WHAT THE FUCK? I'm (moderately?) confident I wouldn't have gotten any if there weren't two super growing twins in side of me (or perhaps just a few) but no. At 27 weeks with 5 lbs of baby in me, in two days time it began to look like a tree was growing in my vagina and it's roots just naturally took over the lower half of my abdomen. I'm not much of a bikini wearer anyway, and just hope they don't get worse but damn woman, you're clearly meant for birthing some babies.

I'm awaiting Baby A's flip any day now. And by awaiting, i mean, begging, pleading Baby A to flip. These will likely be the only children we have less we shell out another 20k to have another set of twins (not in my plans) and my hopes for a vaginal delivery are becoming squashed. I'm hoping to accept it with stride, but right now even talking about my c-section is enough to bring me to tears (but then, cookie monster could probably make me cry)

Thanks for letting me use your comment section as my own personal journal about what I'm going through in my twin pregnancy! Not that you have much of a choice less blocking my comments. It's cathartic to think someone who understands might be reading.