It was just made clear to me that I must retire my UCLA Festival of Books coffee cup. My favorite cup. My lucky, "writer" cup that I have been drinking buttloads of coffee out of since forever. It seems coffee is the culprit for my past week of migraines, dizzy spells and hallucinations. WTF? Can this be happening to me? My one remaining addiction. My sole drug. Gone. GONE!
No more coffee in the morning, afternoon and evening. No more soy lattes from Starbucks. No more iced coffee on a hot day. It's herbal tea for me. Herbal effing tea. I think I'm going to cry.
For some reason, I come from a long line of women who hit their mid-twenties and became hypersensitive to caffeine. It happened to my mother and her mother before her and after the other day's brush with death while driving. (I was convinced I was going in reverse at a stoplight and pressed the gas as not to hit the car behind me and almost rear-ended Kanye West. (Sorry, Kanye. P.S. Nice reems.)
At first I thought it was a brain tumor and that I was dying. I would have been okay with that, but this? This is a catastrophe of monumental proportions.
I NEED MY COFFEE. OH GAWD!
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work until 1am five nights a week, but four hours of sleep and nothing to pick me up? It's kind of like a little slice of hell.
Parenting without coffee is like sex without a penis. Sure there are substitutions but at the end of the day/night/afternoon it's just not the same.
I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm a perma-exhausted Mommykins with serious pinchers (because I'm crabby) and two more hours of work tonight and THERE IS NO CAFFEINE IN MY BODY and tomorrow? NO CAFFEINE THEN, EITHER!
What has happened to me? Stop the madness. It was one thing to pass out after one drink, but a cup of coffee making me mental? It has to be all downhill from here.
I must have done something really bad to deserve this. I should have never stole that Watermelon Bonne Bell chapstick from the drugstore in 7th grade. Karma is a bitch.
I hate you, Celestial Seasonings. You stupid tea-bag.
Whatever. Shut up. Don't even talk to me right now.