Oy Vey- A Pap Shmear!

"Pap Smear" is my least favorite word. Words. Whatever. Pap Shmear makes me feel better. It sounds very Bagel-shopesque. It's fun to say, try it: Pap Shmear. Smear? ECKACKBLEH! I can't even write the word let alone say it.

I always feel a little sad afterward. A little invaded. A wee bit self conscious. And used. I also feel used. I walk a little slower, talk a little lower about the things you cannot show her... (Wait. Am I singing Counting Crows? Somebody please shoot me in the foot. I can't go on!)

Anyway, I always feel a little funny. It didn't make it any easier for me when the nurse sat me down and asked me about my sexual history. She went on to ask the usual questions, similar if not the same as the questions asked before HIV testing. I used to go in for every few months at Out of the Closet, a chain of thrift-stores with HIV testing in the dressing rooms. How convenient! Learn about sexual health while you try on vintage coats!

I answered, like usual, before the nurse very seriously inquired about my symptoms.

"Symptoms?"

"Aren't you here because you think you have chlamydia?"

"GOD No! Jesus H! I'm here for my annual woman-health check-up. I SWEAR! I SWEAR!" Her eyes went wide. "Not that there's anything wrong with the clap," I smiled awkwardly.

"We must have mixed you up with someone else. Sorry."

The nurse handed me a paper gown, and left me to die.

And so I lied there on my back, sad, cold and a very uncomfortable and I waited. I waited to be invaded with cold snapping-objects. I waited to be felt up. I waited for Cervical clamping and I shook.

The doctor knocked, entered the room, said Hello...

...That's when everything went dark. I closed my eyes and went to my happy place. I put my fingers in my ears and went, "la, la, la." I curled my toes in the stirrups and thought of ponies and rainbows. And then bagels. Beautiful bagels. Everything bagels. Shmears for fears! Fruit shmears and lox shmears and light shmears for summer! Then I opened my eyes, forgetting for a moment where I was.

I'm afraid to say that I might never be able to eat a bagel again.

GGC

18 comments:

Eleanor Velasco | 2:04 AM

I hear you. I just had my yearly exam & have to go back - 'there has been a change in the cells' - Uh huh. Great.

Here is a good article - funny, sarcastic, caring, sroll down to 'Pelvic examinations: Are you sitting comfortably?'

http://nhsblogdoc.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_nhsblogdoc_archive.html

Misfit Hausfrau | 5:35 AM

One of my former gynos used to have a poster above the examining table with kittens on it and it said, are you ready for this one? "RELAX!"

sunshine scribe | 5:59 AM

Schmear? Schmear!?! Now you have totally changed that word for me ... thanks Rebecca! :)

I hate it too. My OBGyn has a propensity for bizarre chit chat with me during the whole procedure. It is very disconcerting and it slows her down. I just want to put my fingers in my ear and do the la la la thing too!

ECR | 6:11 AM

That's exactly the way I feel about the dentist.

Kristen | 7:33 AM

My doctor keeps talking through the whole thing, like nothing at all awkward is going on here. It's almost surreal.

Bluepaintred | 9:19 AM

hope the results of your pap go well

I go in for mine on sept 1st cus of this : http://redblogblue.blogspot.com/2006/08/playing-marbles.html

the weirdgirl | 10:33 AM

My OB always makes chit chat too, or talks about the paint job on my toenails... usually to give me shit.

OB: "Oh, nice toenails. When d'ja paint those, two weeks ago?"

ME: "Hey hey, eyes off the toes! You just keep looking at my hoo hoo, mister!"

Of course, it does take my mind off the specula (speculum -sp?). Whatever. I just give him shit back.

Gina | 12:09 PM

OH my, GGC, you've made me laugh out loud once again! This is a painful, true and funny post! You have the best "worst" stories! The clap? Geez! Mixing paperwork in a dr's office ain't good.

something blue | 1:36 PM

Perhaps doctors engage in nervous chit chat because they enjoy Going In as much as we look forward to receiving this check up. Get er done. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Heather | 1:49 PM

My OB had pictures of Brad Pitt and Some Other Hunky Star. I'm not sure, I was always squeezing my eyes shut so I didn't have to look at them. And my OB WAS A WOMAN!

something blue | 2:06 PM

I totally meant to include my original thought. If the doctor offered a bagel buffet maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Emily | 3:06 PM

At the OBGYN's office I'm often asked, "Have you been sexually assaulted?" and I'm like, "Yeah, thanks for noticing," with my most girlish grin.

Her Bad Mother | 5:04 PM

I've never understood why they couldn't come up with a better name for it. Like, Crotch Swipe or something less clinically disgusting.

Crotch Shmear. That's good. Dirty. But good.

petite gourmand | 5:29 PM

oy vey...I live right across the street from a bagel shop.
I may never be able to walk by now without blushing and giggling..
p.s. thanks for the reminder, time to call my doctor and schedule a shmear.
oh boy, I can hardly wait.

screaming girl | 9:09 PM

It is incredible that with all the technology and inventions like the new Victoria's Secret bra released earlier this year, that the same equipment has been used since the beginning of time for annual exams. I need to invent some clamp-like things that are made of rubber and vibrate!

Heather | 9:58 PM

Ow. That's just plain painful to read, and think about. Crap, I suppose I'm supposed to go and be tortured vaginally too, but oh well.

What is with the small talk that male doctors do? That's why I have a female physician. She just does it, and talks to me before and after, when I'm upright and dressed.

Speculum [shudders].

toyfoto | 3:50 AM

I think you just ruined the bagel for me, too. No worries though, I really don't need to eat my entire grains/bread serving amount for the day in one sitting anyhow.

I mean truly: It's a joy to be thrown off a food in such a witty way.

kittenpie | 9:07 PM

this is why I love that y doc has been my doc since I was five - a family one who does full service, smears, baby deliveries, everything. god, I love her. Doesn;t make the thing comfy, but easier to deal with when you;re comfy and familiar with the hand up your business.